BS Poker - Gordo, Fare Thee Well Night!

If you missed Saturday, Nov. 17th's insane incantation of BS Poker, you sure missed a lot.

We had a record attendence. Attendees included Gordo, Gavo, Meersky, Poppinfresh (+Erie), Highmark, Bluey (+Tay), Irish, Griffin, Choder (+Ames), Francois (+Kimee), Cali (+LiLi), Felatio (Aka The Don), and last but certainly not least, all the way from Awahoo, Senor Hamdog.
The night was conceived as a proper send off to Gordo, who is returning to Florida whilst his Pittsburgh crack house in Edgewood/Swissvale is up for sale.

But Highmark might have received the harshest sendoff of all on Saturday night. With 12-13 guys around the table, we chose to dismiss the reverse in order from hand to hand in order to get the cards to everyone as much as possible. Highmark started the night taking cards from Bluey during the first half and ended the night taking them from Gavo. In the end, he felt similar to the mouse on the bottom of the picture above.

Some excerpts from Highmark's salesmen:

Bluey: "I've got a pair of kings and a pair of queens"
Highmark: "I thought you said that you have kings and aces?"
Bluey: "No, did I? Why? Do you want kings and aces?"
Highmark: "Sure (sarcastically)"
Bluey: "Okay, you've got it. A pair of kings and a pair of aces!"

Gavo: "I discarded the lowest high card. I don't know what a straight is, but whatever Irish handed me is legit. But it has an eight in it, now. So it's a straight with an eight. What ever that means. Listen, I'm just giving you what he gave me. Which isn't much. Or maybe it is, but I wouldn't know."
Highmark: "Are you fucking kidding me?"

A shell-shocked Highmark swallowed the cards in both instances.

Bluey (after being handed those cards from Highmark): "bullshit!'
Highmark: (not even trying to sell it because it came from Gavo): "You are right, it's total garbage"

In both instances, Highmark grabbed his throbbing temple with both hands and wished he was back home feeding and diapering his kids.

Even Hamdog was in true form, making all kinds of side bets on the table's action, and adding to Highmark's misery.

Hamdog: "Side bet....... the pair isn't there"
(Highmark loses again)
Hamdog: "See, you owe me a quarter"
Highmark: "I didn't make any fucking bet with you"

All in all, Highmark ended up with 6 totes on his 8's tote board, which included two doubles for three of a kind 8's.

But the night had plenty of action all around the table, which included newbies Cali and Francois.
Even Cupcake showed up for the festivities, holding up a German potato masher and inquiring:

Cupcake: "There is a fuse in here, is this thing real?" (holding the inert WWII German grenade)
Gavo: "No wonder the pollacks lost the war."
Highmark: "Right Cupcake, we play poker with live 70 year old munitions. And me without my mortar round"

Gavo, who is well known for his ability to depreciate hands, didn't turn a straight into a pair of jacks, but offered this tasty downgrade.

Gordo to Gavo : "A ten a seven and a nine"
Gavo to Choder: "A ten a seven and a six"

The quote of the night also came from Gavo who was holding 3 7's before giving them to Highmark: "I actually drew that 4th seven but threw it out because I didn't know how it would improve the hand!"

Other notable lines:
From Gordo: "Don't Fuckin' look at me...","Zieg Heil"
From Choder: "I'm not the Mayor (of Swallower's Row)!"
Traditional Favorites: "Do I want those cards?" , "You want these cards!", "You can't handle the cards!!!!"
From Hamdog, Gavo and Highmark: The Shingles conversation (you had to be there).

We dined on Mineo's pizza and got to watch clips from Gavo's movie as well. And Meersky for once was not a human stop sign. Go figure!

Please feel free to add your memories to the comments section. It may take my abdominal muscles months to heal from laughing so hard. Thanks to all for making the night pure gold!

Click on the video link above for a small taste of the evening. "I'm Not The Mayor"

Just Trying To Be Neighborly!

The other day, a next door neighbor came and asked me to hold her step ladder, so she could replace some light bulbs around her house.

Being the fine Christian I am, of course I obliged and was more than happy to spend as much time as necessary to complete the job.

As I laboriously proceeded from one room to another, we must have replaced about 420 burnt out light bulbs.

You can't say that I don't go the extra mile to help my fellow man (or woman).

I went home, feeling quite good about myself, thinking

For some reason, Tay is upset.

I can't imagine why..........

Special thanks to Gordo for finding this nugget! It's great that we all don't have to work for a living!

Bluey's Hail Mary 130, Flavorfools 116

AP: Bedrock

Bluey's Hail Mary eek out another close win over the Flavorfools to maintain in a second place tie with a record of 6-4.

With LJ out, the Hail Mary also lost Adrian Peterson and things are looking pretty glum if neither running back returns.

The Feud

People who know me, know what a competitive person I am. My fiancée, Tay, is pretty much the same way. One of the things we like to do while we watch Family Feud (which, amazingly, is still on the air!), is see who can come up with the most #1 answers during a given episode. Of course, I dubbed myself the “#1 answer machine” and in the past have routinely dispatched of Tay in previous matchups.

Last night, we we’re watching the Feud and things went horribly wrong. Tay immediately scored a #1 right off the bat and took a 1-0 lead. I didn’t feel too bad though because it was a “chick” question, something having to do with things women wear.

The second question was “Thing that you would want a lifetime supply of”. Tay answered “Money”, which turned out to be the #1 answer by far with 58% responding. I immediately started protesting.

“That is a stupid answer. Asking for a lifetime supply of money is tantamount to having a lifetime supply of just about everything else (except for some ephemeral choices such as happiness, peace or love). That’s fucking bogus!”

“Stop being such a sore loser. I’m up 2-0. Besides, your answer was absolutely ridiculous”

At this time, there is only one more answer left on the board.

“If my answer was so stupid, if it’s up there, will you give me the point for the round?”

“Absolutely”, Tay replied.

And the final answer, garnering 3 votes, was “toilet paper”.

“Yes!!!” (I start laughing uncontrollably)

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“1-1 tie….Yes!!!!”

“That is bullshit. Who in their right mind would say toilet paper?”

“Apparently, there are three other people in the world that appreciate having a clean ass other than me”.

“Unbelievable”, Tay sulks.

In the third round, neither one of us manages a point, but we agree to award half a point for the next highest answer. The category is “things associated with Holland”. I select Windmills (#3), while Tay selects Wooden Shoes (#2). We both are surprised our answers are not #1’s. Tulips is the #1 answer. My secondary answer, Dykes…er…I mean Dikes, comes in at #5. But this puts Tay up 1.5-1 point with one round left.

The question is “Words that rhyme with Nerd”.

Tay shouts Bird and is awarded the #1 answer and apparent victory. More answers are given until only one is left. I immediately go into begging mode because my answer is disgusting.

“Please let me win if my answer is up there. C’mon, there is no way my answer will be on a family show”, I plead.

Tay, caught up in her victory, says “Sure, though there’s not a chance in hell your word is up there. But, if it’s not, you have to give up the other point you won with toilet paper too”. She is incredibly smug thoroughly assured of her victory. I quickly agree to her terms.

No one gets the last answer on the show, so in unison, as usual the crowd reads the final answer not chosen.

“TURD!”

“YES!!!!!! I win, I win (rolling off the bed laughing to the point of choking to death)”

“That doesn’t count…I still win”

“Oh, no you didn’t. You promised. I win! (finally catching my breath)”

Tay is defeated and glum. “You have to give me my win back”.

“No way!”, I childishly respond. “I won fair and square”.

“You did not!”

“I did too. It’s not my fault that you were so sure of victory that you would gamble it away to go for the shutout.”

Tay is still brooding over her loss.

Warriors 182, Bluey's Hail Mary 174.

The Hail Mary again stumble and fail to establish themselves as a legitimate playoff threat, falling back to 5-4, which keeps them in a tie for second place in the North.

The Warriors put a stranglehold on the division at 7-2.

My New BATV, DirecTV and My Policy

On Friday night, Tay and I hauled a Sony 60" LCD Projection TV from my office, courtesy of Poppinfresh, and set it up in her livingroom. I call it my big-ass TV.

I've never had a TV larger than 27". I sat there and was absolutely mesmorized. Needless to say, I spent the better part of the weekend watching hockey and football on the huge screen and was pretty useless to Tay. I had just gotten DirecTV a few months ago to get the NFL package, so the timing of the TV was perfect.

And then I called DirecTV to upgrade our standard receiver to an HD receiver. The guy I talked to was pretty annoying and the background noise in his office was deafening. I could barely hear him. I was thinking that DirecTV must be operating sweatshops in Indonesia for their existing customer service lines.

He told me what it would cost. It sounded reasonable and I said "okay, go ahead and ship the bad boy". And then he tells me something else.

"I'm going to have to charge you an additional $50 because you haven't been a customer of ours for that long"

"What?"

"You've only had service for two months, so we will charge you $50 which will be returned to you in $5 increments over the next ten months"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Surely you did a credit check on me when i signed up for service in the first place. I don't see a need for such nonsense."

"Sorry, that's our policy"

"You know what my policy is?"

"No."

"You can go fuck yourself for the $50!"

I hung up the phone. Sure, it was pretty juvenile but it sure felt good. I guess DirecTV must be doing pretty good to treat their existing consumer base so shabbily. I guess paying your first two bills on time is not enough for them to float you a $99 HD receiver.

Well, they can kiss my ass. I'm sure at some point, they'll offer a free upgrade and I won't have to pay a dime. What a bunch of jerkoffs.

Sure, I'm cheap and now I won't have HD for the rest of the NFL season. But I'll be damned if I send DirecTV a $50 loan, so they can provide me with a HD receiver.

How ridiculous.

Bluey's World: 2nd Anniversary

All I can say is wow! I never in a million years thought that I'd be able to keep it going for two years. God knows if anybody is listening, but I'm still talking.

Isn't that what really matters?

Bluey's Hail Mary 155, Donkeypuchers 126

AP: Skeevemont, PA:



The Hail Mary improved to 5-3, by avoiding the donkey punch and administering the "Poke In The Eye", leaving the DPers helpless and vulnerable to further abuse via the "Hail Mary" in last Sunday's matchup.

Next up are the first place Warriors with first place on the line!

"Tay, Will You Marry Me?"

Today, Tay, the girls and I went for a family walk through the woods to a scenic field on top of her Dad's farm overlooking the valley.

I let the girls know earlier the true purpose of this walk, except for Kitty, who was baking with Tay most of the day.

As we neared the top, we stood and took in the breathtaking view on a brisk sunny Sunday afternoon. I turned to Tay and said:

"What a beautiful day. You know what would make this day so much better?"

"No...what?"

I dropped to a knee. "Tay, will you marry me?"

Tay cries for about 2 minutes, then realizes that she hasn't answered me.

"Well?"

"Yes, of course I will!"

Tay cries for another 5 minutes and Tay, Aussie, Loni, Bebis, Kitty and I form one big pack for a group hug and kisses.

Then the girls proceed to dog pile on top of us and start rolling down the hill in celebration.

Aussie snapped a picture of the moment and I will post it soon.

So to all my friends and family, we're engaged!

Triple Cow Office Chair

My company is in the process of moving to a new location. We are all getting new chairs courtesy of Poppinfresh. However, whilst everyone is ordering new leather desk chairs, Erie is pushing for Poppinfresh and as many others she can convince, to get "Pleather" (fake leather) chairs.

When she came into my office to plead her case, she wrote "Save the Cows" on my whiteboard and drew a cowhead.

I told her that I wanted a "triple cow chair".

She asked "What's that?"

"It's a leather chair that three cows had to be sacrificed for to make", I replied.

I then added to her drawing to illustrate how I wanted my finished product to look.

Hence, the triple cow office chair! Of course, the other two heads either ended up in the landfill or could be used as bookends in Poppinfresh's bookcase. I haven't decided yet.

Yabba Dabba Doo! Hail Mary 157, Flavorfools 74

AP: Bedrock, PA:

Bluey's Hail Mary was able to right the ship as Peyton Manning led the troops to a much needed victory in Bedrock versus Freddie's Fools. Flavorfool coach, Mr. Slate called his team's performance disappointing and cancelled tomorrow's scheduled day off. He said that his "soft" team would be putting time in his rock quarry to get in shape for next week.

The Hail Mary improves to 4-3 and now trail division co-leader Warriors and Birdmen (both 5-2) by one game. Four teams, including 4-3 Blicious are vying for the Northern Division's two playoff spots.

Next up on the slate are the Donkeypunchers.

Heads Roll! Hail Mary Sends Jacobs Packing!

After Monday nights' fiasco involving RB Brandon Jacobs' sore vagina on the sidelines, Bluey's Hail Mary GM, Special Ed went into a spittle spraying rage and sent Jacobs candy-ass to ProDonor in a package that brought WR Reggie Wayne.


Even 40pt scorer Wes Welker was caught in the crossfire when he complained about Special Ed getting goop on his game ball. Wes and Donte Stallworth were throw-ins in the deal.

Third party sources involved tell a story of Hail Mary coach, Don Shula, telling Jacobs that the team was 16 yards shy of victory and to "get his fat lazy ass back in the game!". When Jacobs refused, his fate was sealed. Special Ed came screaming into the locker room with a tube of Vagisil after the game to yell at Jacobs, informing him not to expect to be wearing his uniform next week. As Welker walked by the scene, some Vagisil got mistakenly squirted on his game ball and as he started to complain, a scuffle ensued between Special Ed and Welker. Stallworth unfortunately came between them.

The Hail Mary (3-3) are clearly in disarray after their heartbreaking loss to Blicious. Morale is low and management felt a sledgehammer was the best way to bring about a change in attitude in the locker room.

Reggie Wayne comes in to be the Hail Mary WR3, behind Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmandzadeh. New QB Peyton Manning was ecstatic to hear the news of being reunited with his former receiver.

Week 7's match-up against the Flavorfools is critical. A loss pretty much dooms the franchise's inaugural season.

Clash Of The Titans: Blicious 189, Hail Mary 184.

What a matchup! Our two squads finish 1-2 for the week but the Hail Mary are unfortunate enough to run into the steamroller that was Blicious.

Brandon Jacobs shit his pants, needing only 18 points to carry the Hail Mary to victory on Monday night, he exited the game late in the 3rd quarter with a sissy sprained ankle, 16 yards short.

Bluey's Hail Mary experiment falls to 3-3 and Peyton Manning makes his Hail Mary debut against the Flavorfools this coming weekend. It's early, but I'd call it a must win game versus Flav owner, Freddie Flinstone.

Bow Chicka Bow Wow

Remember the Brady Bunch? Remember this song from childhood?

Homo we go,
Les' be on our way.
I love you, you love me
that's homosexuality!

There's a story today running that Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormick) has a new book out today that will touch on some very Brady girl-on-girl action.

If loving you is wrong....

I don't want to be right...

Black and Bluey Durango

I bought a companion used Black 2007 Durango to go with my White 2004 Durango.

I guess you can say that my 2004 Durango was lonely and wanted some lovin'.

Or you could say that with Tay and our four daughters, we finally outgrew the Durango without the third seat.

I actually splurged for a vehicle with 4WD, so now I won't spin tires up tay's driveway or worry about dying in Western PA's snowbelts.

It's main purpose will be winter driving and carting around my five peteys. We've already come up with an idea for the license plate.

5PETEYS

Bluey Drives The Herd!

This past Sunday, I was pulled away from the Dallas-New England game to help herd about 50 or so cattle from Tay and her Dad's property back into the neighbor's pasture.

"The neighbor's cattle broke through the fence and are on Dad's property"

"Really? Did someone call him?

"C'mon, get up. We're going to help dad herd the cattle back onto the neighbor's property."

"What? You're kidding right?"

"No, c'mon"

"I ain't no fucking cattle shepherd. I'm from New York City. I don't want to be trampled by cattle"

"C'mon, we'll use the quads and baseball bats to herd them."

"What?......I'm not slamming some cow with a bat! They'll charge and trample me!"

"Will you get up already!"

"Are you serious? They're not even your dad's cattle. Let someone else die for the neighbors' cows."

"C'mon already!"

"Okay."

And so began Bluey's first experience herding Texas Longhorn cattle using multiple quads, as Stacey worked the gates and her dad and I rode quads like horses and were able to herd about 10 or so cattle back onto the neighbors pasture. Thank God I didn't have to use baseball bats but I was worried at one point when Tay's Dad was herding them towards me and I had to guide them to the gate on the quad. I had visions of getting flipped off the quad and gored right in the ass by a few big bulls.

The other 40 cattle proved too stupid to return to their pasture as they streamed by their gate with our last ditch effort. We left the rest for more experienced hands than mine.

And I was able to escape with only one asshole thankfully, but I got my first experience "riding the herd".

Get em up, move 'em out...Rawhide!

Manning A Mary!

AP: Skeevemont, PA:

Bluey's Hail Mary GM, Special Ed pulled off the coup of the trading season by securing the rights of Peyton Manning from JusticeLeagueNow. Peyton will replace former Hail Mary quarterback Phillip Rivers as the new starter. Also included in the deal was Jerricho Cotchery and Marvin Harrison.

Hail Mary coach, Don Shula, expects nothing short of a championship from his new field general. The Hail Mary (3-2) are currently in a four way tie for second place in their division which finds every team sporting over a .500 winning percentage.

Current Hail Mary Roster:
QB Peyton Manning/Jay Cutler/Jason Campbell
RB1 Larry Johnson
RB2 Adrian Peterson/Brandon Jacobs/Maurice Jones-Drew/Ladel Betts
WR1 Chad Johnson
WR2 TJ Houshmandzadeh
WR3 Brandon Marshall/Wes Welker
TE Owen Daniels/Greg Olsen
K Nick Folk
D/ST New England Patriots

Bluey's Hail Mary 118, Birdmen of Alcatraz 106

AP: Alcatraz, CA:

The Hail Mary (3-2) got back in the win column by defeating the Birdmen in a hotly contested game played in the home team's prison yard.

After slugging it out all day Sunday afternoon, it came down to kickers to decide the result. The Hail Mary's Nick Folk outkicked Birdman Robby Gould to seal the victory.

Next up: Ohhhh Blicious!

2007 Fall Pilgrimage: Here Comes The Sun!

During the Spring 2007 pilgrimage, we were unable to field many outdoor activities due to the horribly cold and rainy weather. It rained almost nonstop the whole weekend.

This Fall Pilgrimage more than made up for it as we enjoyed the beautiful 80 degree weather by relaxing beachside, doing some kayaking and getting some swimming in!

Contrary to Las Vegas oddsmakers, Halo 3 did not ruin the pilgrimage, as surprisingly, a very minimal amount of the game was played.

Friday afternoon's golf event saw a nail biting finish as The Don (51) successfully defended his championship edging Sparrow by a stroke, Bluey by 3 and the Handyman by 4. The scores were uncharacteristically atrocious and represented the first time a score in the 50's won the event.

Saturday's Softball event saw the Genuises (Sparrow, Este, Poppinfresh, The Don, rent-a-tard Karlos and Bluey) dominate the SRU Tards (Meersky, Irish, Handyman, Special Ed, Francois and Choder) in a mercy rule shortened 4 inning game, 17-2. Genius hitters were unmerciful as every starter, save Bluey, pounded out at least 5 hits. Este had clutch RBIs just about every trip at bat. Poppinfesh picked up the win, pitching the first inning and Bluey recorded the save, mopping up the final three frames in relief.

Axis and Allies was won by the Allies (Meersky-Russia, Handyman-US, Francois-Britain) over the Irish Nazis (Highmark as Hitler and Irish as Japan).

I missed the Stones and Texas Hold'em tournaments due to painful cramped calf muscles caused by horsing around with the football and the frisbee in Lake Erie with the guys. Someone, please forward the winners, so I can post them for posterity.

Horseshoes were cancelled because everyone feared the Handyman/Bluey connection. We will now go down in Pilgrimage lore as the third tandem to hold the Horseshoe title for at least 1 and a half years while ending their reign undefeated (Meersky/TDog, Meersky/Bluey previously). Handy's miss next Spring will probably end our title run.

Jen was also called multiple times by pilgrimagers which makes any future appearance by Handyman tenuous at best.

All in all, a very relaxing pilgrimage. The nice weather was a great change of pace. For those I missed on Sunday morning, thanks for a wonderful weekend!

Warriors 150, Bluey's Hail Mary 119

The Hail Mary shit the bed this past weekend as their rivals, the Ass Pirates, er...I mean the Warriors came out to play, disposing of Bluey's squad by a score of 150-119.

The Hail Mary return to par at 2-2 on the season. Next up, the Birdmen of Alcatraz.

Mets Are A Bunch Of Choking Pigs!

How the hell do you blow a 7 game lead with 17 games to play? Obviously, we got a lesson by the Mets since no one seemed to be able to do it in over 110 years of baseball history.

Shitty starting pitching, crappy hitting, atrocious defense and a manager who is unwilling to dress down his team all added up to the most pathetic finish to a season ever. Do you think the 1962 Mets could have held that lead? I'm thinking that they would have had just as good a chance.

I'm glad the team didn't can Randolph, I like him. But a lot of the faces on this team better change come next spring. I'm thinking most of their middle relief should go except Sosa, the injured Duaner Sanchez and Feliciano. I'd even trade Wagner if I could. Shoenweiss, Heilman and Mota, I'd send out on a rocket.

I'd also ditch Green and let Gomez and Milledge battle out RF. Can Valentin as well. I'm also pretty tired of trotting Glavine out there. Keep Maine and Perez and build the rest of the rotation from scratch.

The 2007 Mets go on the list of things that give me ass cancer.

Bluey's Hail Mary 180, JusticeLeagueNow 115

AP: Skeevemont, PA:

The Hail Mary sent the Justice League home crying in their soiled underoos as Bluey's squad pounded said superheroes by 65 points. QB Captain America was repeatedly bitchslapped while Batman and Robin were sodomizing each other and Aquaman on the sidelines.

Their was a brief controversy as the Bluey offense poked Superman in the eye, which kept him from preventing the Hail Mary from stealing the Justice League's defensive signals. Hail Mary backup QB Jay Cutler somehow also managed to get Wonder Woman pregnant from his own sideline while the Green Lantern shit his pants in the 1st quarter and never returned to action.

All in all, a successful day as the Marys beat the sissy marys. The Hail Mary go to 2-1 on the season and next face the WashPA Warriors.

"Oh, warriors!!!!.....come out and play!"

On The Set of "Trapped"

Just wanted to give some props to my buddies Gavo and Hamdog, who continue to work filming their first feature length movie this fall, "Trapped", starring Corbin Bernsen, Tom Atkins and in a small cameo appearance...Bluey!

I was just overjoyed to be able to help and witness parts of the process. The script was written by Gavo, Hamdog, Gav's buddy Ron and Gavo's wife and is, from what I understand, a psychological thriller with plenty of plot twists. The Tribune Review wrote a story recently about the film and it's principals. If you are interested in following the progress of the film making, please see Gavo's OccaBocca blog. There is a link on my blogs' front page.

Guys, all of my best wishes with this film. I can't wait to see the finished product.

Oh, and I guess I should start to figure out the seven degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon to Bluey for cocktail parties, and start assembling a posse of my peeps.

Epilogue: Just in case anyone is interested. Here is the 7 degrees of separation from Bluey to Kevin Bacon.

Bluey "Trapped"
Tom Atkins "Trapped", "Lethal Weapon"
Danny Glover "Lethal Weapon", "Saw"
Cary Elwes "Saw","The Princess Bride"
Robin Wright Penn "The Princess Bride", "Forrest Gump"
Tom Hanks "Forrest Gump", "Apollo 13"
Kevin Bacon "Apollo 13"

also acceptable:

Bluey "Trapped"
Corbin Bernsen "Trapped", "Major League"
Wesley Snipes "Major League", "Rising Sun"
Sean Connery "Rising Sun", "Indiana Jones/Last Crusade"
Harrison Ford "Indiana Jones/Last Crusade", "Apocalypse Now"
Laurence Fishburne "Apocolypse Now", "Mystic River"
Kevin Bacon "Mystic River"

I guess they are right, Kevin Bacon is the center of the universe!

Framed!

Anybody who has kids, understands how important it is as a parent to have some decent detective skills. It always seems that when something gets broken or goes wrong in the house, somehow nobody did it or is responsible.

Unfortunately, my kids don't have a prayer in that department because I was born with crazy good analytical skills. From looking around and talking to them, I can usually figure out the truth and bust them pretty quickly.

This past weekend, Tay and our four daughters, Aussie, Loni, Bebis and Kitty, were enjoying a nice weekend together when Loni came down the stairs crying. I ask her what is wrong and she tells me that she knocked a cup of diet 7-up on the computer keyboard. Immediately, I get annoyed because the biggest rule I have for the computer room is NO FOOD OR DRINK. There is no exceptions. I don't even break that rule...ever.

I ask Loni why there was a drink up there in the first place.

"It wasn't mine daddy, I swear. I'm so sorry for knocking the drink on the keyboard!"

She breaks down in tears and it breaks my heart. I'm fairly confident that even though Loni knocked the drink over, it really wasn't her fault and she was besides herself with grief.

I dismiss Loni, ask her to bring down the keyboard, and start cleaning it by removing all the keys. The whole time I'm talking to Tay about the whole situation to get any ideas she has about who the culprit is.

So, then I call my youngest, Kitty, downstairs and ask her if she brought a drink into the computer room.

"It wasn't me daddy, I would never bring a drink into the computer room".

And you know what, I believed her. She's about as much of a rules nut as I am and I doubt very much that it would have been her. Plus, she's more of an orange-strawberry-banana juice girl. I've rarely seen her drink 7-up, when given a choice.

Which brought me to Bebis and Aussie, who seemed to be doing their very best to avoid me. Bebis can be a little bit of a rebel at times and reminds me so much of myself at that age. She's got a little bit of a devilish streak in her at times. I talk to her and she adamantly denies bringing the drink in the room, but I remain unconvinced. You see, Bebis is more of a water drinker but she wasn't exactly persuasive in her denial.

7-up is Ausssie's favorite drink but she also is the oldest daughter and is pretty responsible. She also denies bringing the drink up to the computer room and sounds convincing.

At this point, I'm perplexed. I bring them all together and ask them together who did it.

"We didn't do it"

"Of course you didn't. Nobody did it! It just magically appeared in the computer room or maybe we got a ghost that likes to drink Cherry 7-up. Is that what you're trying to tell me? If you gals can't follow simple rules, I'm taking computer time away from all of you."

They agree to the ghost part and cringe about losing computer priviledges.

Maybe we do have a thirsty ghost. I'm pretty disappointed in myself because even though I live with the four peteys, they never usually get anything past me. But that turned out to be my problem and why I couldn't solve "The Case of the Soggy Keyboard".

I'll get to that in just a second. I figured that I'd visit the scene of the crime before I gave up. When I was looking around the room, Tay walked in to console me.

"Oh my god!"

"What?", she says.

"You did it!"

"What, no I didn't!"

"You framed the kids!"

You see, that was my mistake. I dont have FOUR PETEYS...I have FIVE PETEYS! That was the error in my deduction.

As I looked around the computer room, there was the box of tomato basil wheat thins that I had been eating in my room the night before. The kids hate those wheat thins. I hadn't used the computer that morning, so there was only one way they got into the computer room. I also had a 7-up drink in my room that I'd bet my left testicle wasn't still there either. Before I got up to check on that drink, I look at Tay.

"You came in here this morning to use the computer while I was making your coffee and cooking your breakfast. You brought the drink and the wheat thins in and left them there."

"I did no........oh, my god.....I did!"

"I know you did. I'm sure if I check for the drink in my bedroom, I'll find it gone"

She is mortified since we had been grilling the kids for an hour and Loni had been in tears.

As I walked into the bedroom, of course the drink is gone. I turn to Tay and say, "You framed the kids!". She throws me on the bed and she tells me that I'm going to keep my big mouth closed.

I start to yell for the girls.

Tay puts a pillow on my head and then tries to shove a sock in my mouth. She is stone cold busted but refuses to come clean. I continue to tease her by calling for the girls. She tries to smother me.

"I can't believe you framed the girls and now you won't come clean"

"They don't need to know anything about this...ever"

And the secret is safe to this point....well, to the girls anyway.

Of course Tay tries to turn it around on me and make an excuse that she was merely cleaning up after me and just happened to leave the stuff in the computer room.

I open my mouth again....

"GIRLS...hhhmmphhhh........!"

Muslims Versus the West

Props to my buddy Blue for finding this video nugget.

Here is a powerful and amazing statement on Al Jazeera television. The woman is Wafa Sultan, an Arab-American psychologist from Los Angeles. I would suggest watching it ASAP because I don't know how long the link will be active. This film clip should be shown around the world repeatedly!

http://switch3.castup.net/cunet/gm.asp?ai=214&ar=1050wmv&ak=nul

And shame on people who continue to believe that the US is somehow responsible for 9/11 or brings this grief upon itself.

Bluey's Hail Mary 160, DyNasty 142.

AP Report, Skeevemont, PA:

Bluey's Hail Mary popped it's WashPa fantasy football cherry by defeating Cali's DyNasty squad by 18 points late last night. The tandem of Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmandzadeh put DyNasty in an early hole that they just came up short of climbing out of. DyNasty RB Laurence Maroney had a final chance to squeeze out the victory but evidently, he must have been caught sleeping with coach's daughter, Chastity Belichick, during the pregame warmups as Bill relegated him to a very minor role.

The Hail Mary improve to 1-1 as DyNasty owner Cali falls to 0-2 and calls for a the replacement of one tear-stained carpet.

Messin' With Sasquatch

Tay's stepmom makes out of this world beef jerky. It is ten times better than the crap you buy in the stores. I'm totally addicted to it and asked Tay if she would be agreeable to learning how to make it. Her stepmom made me a big gallon ziploc bag a few weeks ago to keep me in jerky until Tay gets up and running.

So, I pretty much forget about it and I'm finishing up mowing the lawn one day when Tay comes up to me and grabs my head and slips a piece of beef jerky in my mouth. "You did a real nice job on the lawn". She kisses me and walks away.

A day or two later, I was changing some burnt out lightbulbs in her kitchen and after I'm done, she does the same thing, while patting me on the head. I'm thinking to myself, "Man, is that beef jerky yummy".

Then it occurs to me after I finish chewing the piece of jerky. I have no idea where the big bag of beef jerky is. And it also occurs to me that it hasn't been beef jerky that I've been eating (well, in reality it has been).

I've been eating fucking Scooby Snacks!

Now, you may be confused by this, by the grim reality hit me like a sledgehammer. Tay was using the beef jerky as a reward after I performed jobs around the house for her without me realizing it. I always knew that men were dumb mammals but what a dope I had been. I was nothing more than a trained circus seal.

So, I asked Tay where the bag of jerky was. She immediately knew that I was on to her.

"You don't get to have the bag."

"What the fuck? That's my beef jerky!"

"And I've been giving it to you"

"Yeah...giving it to me like giving god damned Scooby Snacks to a dog after doing jobs around the house!"

She starts laughing, realizing that she is busted but probably because she had manged to get away with it for three or so days.

She still doesn't surrender the bag even after I throw a tantrum.

"We'll see how much gets done around here while I'm waiting for you to fork over that bag".

"If you want jerky, you'll do what you're told", she jokes.

Thankfully, Tay's daughter, Aussie, who has had her cellphone taken away, finds the bag in Tay's hiding place and gives it to me. I immediately lift her cellphone restriction for her good deed.

All was right with the world, except now I'm out of jerky again.

Brio 122, Bluey's Hail Mary 107.

Well, I shit the diaper in my inaugural fantasy league matchup. Props to Flip for giving me my first lesson in fantasy football. That lesson is that matchups matter. Playing P. Rivers (SD) against the vaunted CHI defense instead of J. Cutler (DEN) against the crappy BUF defense is what cost me the victory.

So, the Hail Mary experiment starts at 0-1. Next up, Cali's DyNasty (0-1).

Diamond Futures

I was watching Bloomberg Financial television this morning when Tay came in the room fresh from her shower. Since she uses propane as an alternative heat source, I teased her by informing her that the October Propane contracts in the futures markets were up 25 cents.

She scanned the TV and noticed that there was a futures market in gold, silver, aluminum and just about anything a person could dream up.

Then she asks, "Is there a futures market in Diamonds?"

Immediately knowing what she's angling at, I reply "No."

"Why not?"

"They're just not a good investment. There's no way of making money in a diamonds market."

"Why is that?", she inquired.

"Because each diamond comes with a woman who will spend your fortune away."

Tay gives me a cross look. I start laughing.

Bluey stock advice: Short October Diamond contracts.

Is Ass Cancer Reversible?

Watching the NY Mets blow a 4 game series to the Filthadelpia Fillies, loaded up my colon with tumors like gumballs in a gumball machine. They basically pissed away a 7 game lead in the division in a span of five days as the Phils cut the Met lead to 2 games.

Then, the Mets swept the Braves and the Phils started losing.

And the Mets won the first two at Cincy for a 5 game win streak as the Phils fell 6 games behind again. I swear to God, this team is going to kill me before the season is over.

Dr. Pedro Martinez was able to excise a few tumors last night with a rusty butter knife but with a month to go, it can go either way.

This team is far better than any National League team and has the offense to rival any World Series opponent. But, I said the same thing last year and they lost to the goddamned Cardinals thanks to one Mr. David Wright.

C'mon guys, get you heads out of my ass and cure me already. 1986 was a long time ago.

Back To School

The Bluey daughters are back to school today. Hard to believe how quickly this summer vanished. Unbelievably all of my girls actually looked forward to returning.

Ausseo is running track, Loni is playing volleyball again, Rebe resumes her basketball career and Kitty is in a new school and goes back to her lessons tickling the ivories.

I gave them the standard advice to stay away from the boys or I'll start digging more holes.

Three Triples In One Day!

There was a minor anomaly on Sunday as Cone's Trucking split a doubleheader with Madelyn's Body Shop (19-12 loss, 14-4 win) in the Men's Washpa Softball League this past Sunday.

Bluey, never known for his footspeed, managed to double his lifetime triples total by going 6 for 6 with a trio of three baggers.

Now you can make the argument that his fat ass should have had three homeruns instead of triples, but nonetheless, quite the feat.

2007 Bluey's Hail Mary Team

Owner: Bluey
GM: Special Ed
Coach: Don Shula

The 2007 WashPa FFL had its' draft on Saturday, Aug 11. The inaugural Hail Mary squad was selected by former Crank Yanker, Special Ed, who secured the services of former Miami Dolphins coach, Don Shula only minutes after the draft ended. Las Vegas handicappers initiate the Hail Mary odds of a championship at 100-1.

The 2007 Hail Mary squad:

QBs: Phillip Rivers (SD), Jay Cutler (DEN)

RBs: Larry Johnson (KC), Brandon Jacobs (NYG), Adrian Peterson (MIN), Ladell Betts (WAS), Reuben Droughns (NYG)

WRs: Marvin Harrison (IND), Chad Johnson (CIN), TJ Houshmandzadeh (CIN), Jerricho Cotchery (NYJ), Wes Welker (NE), Anthony Gonzales (IND)

TE: Randy McMichael (STL)

DEF: New England Patriots

K: Olindo Mare (NE)

The Pot Holder Story

Everybody's better half every once in awhile makes them crazy sometimes. It's just a matter of whether it's the kind of crazy you can deal with over the years or not which determines whether you have a future together.

The cross I have to bear is Tay's insane need to reduce clutter on a never ending basis. Her house is very organized and ordered and you won't find too many nick-nacks (if any) collecting dust at her place. If you want to throw 2 slices of bread into the toaster or need a paper towel, you won't find them on the counter anywhere because they are neatly put away under the cupboards. She just doesn't believe in letting things lay around. Everything has its' place.

Now you're probably thinking to yourself, even Bluey surely isn't going to start complaining about a woman who keeps her house too clean, right?

Those of you who answered no, obviously don't know me too well.

You see, it's bad enough when I can't find a blessed thing in her kitchen. It may take me 10 years to figure out her system and where everthing is. I also can't find anything in my kitchen because she took it upon herself to reorganize it as well.

"Tay, where do I keep the (fill in the blank)?", is probably the most frequently uttered phrase in my own kitchen, so you can probably figure out that I'm so lost in hers.

But this past week, when I was cooking sausages in her stove, I hit my breaking point.

I was making what us Italians call "gravy", when I placed some sweet and hot italian sausages in a little garlic and olive oil in a pyrex dish. The plan was to bake the sausages in the oven and then add them to the gravy. So, I put the oven on 400* and ask Tay where she keeps the potholder. I grab the potholder out of the draw she points me to and place the sausages on the oven rack using the potholder. I go out to the porch to sit and relax while they are cooking.

Ten to fifteen minutes later the sausages need turned over, I return to the kitchen, open up the stove and ....voila!...the pot holder is gone.

"Tay?"

"What?"

"Where is the pot holder?"

"Oh...I put it away."

"Why did you do that? I'm still cooking."

"Sorry, here it is."

So, I pull the pyrex pan out, put down the potholder and start flipping the sausages. It takes me about 30 seconds to accomplish the task. I finish and I open the oven door again and reach for the pot holder.

It is gone again.

"Are you insane?"

"What?"

"Where the hell is the potholder?"

"Oh, sorry, I put it away"

"Christ almighty. Are you purposefully trying to give me cancer? Can you just leave the damn potholder out while I'm cooking and put it away after dinner? Is that too much to ask?"

"I thought you were done with it"

"Would it kill you to just leave the damn thing out for an hour?"

"Sorry"

So, I put the sausages in the oven again and after 10 minutes or so, they are done. The potholder is miraculously still there and I add the sausages to the gravy.

After dinner, I add the leftover sausages back to the pyrex dish to keep them warm in the oven. I tell Tay that I put the sausages back in the oven and that I would be taking them out in a few minutes.

A few minutes later, yep, you guessed it...the potholder is gone again.

I'm thinking to myself. I don't know whether to kiss her for being so cleanly or strangle her for being so incessantly OCD.

I'm still thinking about it.

Squealy McScream

Why, after all these years, did the Pittsburgh Steelers feel they needed a mascot? The team officially broke out the mascot with his new name as picked by some yenta.

I think I like my name better because it will be more suitable when the Steelers are getting ass-raped by the Miami Dolphins. I mean, look at him. He's sure got a purty mouth!

Wouldn't be much better if the team broke down and got body painted cheerleaders instead? Then the fans would start praying for rain and snow.

Can we assume that Mr. Steely McBeam is also unemployed like the rest of Pittsburgh's steelworkers? Rumor has it, he used to be a cage dancer at Pegasus.

Bluey's Fantasy League Return!

First, Bluey and his Ellwood City/Oakmont Rangers lit up the EHL (Existential Hardball League) to the tune of 5 fantasy baseball titles in 10 seasons (1994-2003).

Then, Bluey and his Pitt/SCM Piewizzards rampaged through the FHL, winning 6 fantasy hockey titles (4 of them consecutively) in 10 seasons (1996-2005).

Now as an encore, Bluey will tackle the Gridiron this year as his Hail Mary squad will take the field and look to continue it's fantasy success on a little patch of astroturf in Washington, PA.

Some of its' participants have already began trash talking Bluey's ability to unseat their former champions. Saying that the chance of that happening would be similar to that of an eighty yard hail mary pass with :01 seconds left in the 4th quarter. Thus the inspiration for the team name.

Bluey will be joined by Highmark as the two newest additions in a fantasy football league hosted by Tay's family members, Cali, B and Flav.

Let the punishment begin...

Hudson Park, That's Good Water!

When I was a kid, once in a blue moon, my parents used to buy bottled spring water. The first jug of spring water I ever saw was a half gallon jug of Deer Park. My Dad always said that bottled water was a complete sham because New York City had the purest water in the world with their expensive triple purification process. No one had cleaner water.

My sisters insisted that the Deer Park spring water was so much better than the tap water much to my Dad's chagrin. Other than being colder because it was kept in the fridge, I couldn't taste a difference. One day, when the Deer Park was running out, I had an idea. I filled up the Deer Park container with tap water and jokingly referred to it as "Hudson Park", born and purified out of the sewer that was New York's Hudson River.

My sisters continued to drink the "Hudson Park" without having any idea that they were drinking tap water. It wasn't until dinner one day, that they found out the truth after insisting that Deer Park's water had a better taste than the tap. I told them that I had been refilling the jug for weeks and that the water they had been enjoying was indeed "Hudson Park"! They were deflated and their argument blown out of the water, pun intended.

I guess my point is, paying for water is stupid unless you live in a third world country or have tainted well water. A story in today's news has Aquafina finally having to fully disclose that it's water source is not some distant cool mountain spring but the good old tap. Other brands also will now have to back off claims that their water is extracted from virgin glaciers in the arctic circle as well. It seems that many purified waters on the market share a common source, the tap.

So, stop being gullibulls like my sisters were and sit back, relax and enjoy the cool refreshment of a "Hudson Park", coming from the good folks at the local public water facility who have been turning your toilet and greywater into drinking water for 100 years!

Yummy!

Softball/BBQ Event

We couldn't have asked for better weather this past Saturday as it was in the low 70's with a nice breeze. The field at KO HS was pristine as expected. Fifteen players showed up to enjoy two 7 inning games at 11am.

The games were marked with lots of jovial ribbing and laughter. Participants, please feel free to add your stories to the comment section and I will include them in the body of this blog.

Game 1: Team Tay 14, Team Becky 11.

Team Stacey (Trimpdog, Timmee, Highmark, Meersky, Natey, Tay, Timamigo)

Team Becky (Choder, Hamdog, The Don, Rhino, Becky, B, Gunky, and Bluey)

Game 1 saw Team Tay race out to the early 5-0 lead after 3 innings only to enter the 7th inning with a 11-6 deficit. Team Tay scored 8 runs in their half of the 7th inning to take the lead and upset Team Becky by 3 runs.

Game 2: Team Tay 11, Team Becky 10.

Team Tay (Choder, Rhino, Tay, The Don, B, Gunky, Timamigo)

Team Becky (Timmee, Meersky, Hamdog, Natey, Becky, Trimpdog and Bluey)

Highmark caught as an injury prevented him playing on either side.

Game 2 saw Team Becky race out to an early 5-0 lead, lost it in the middle innings (5-5) and held a 10-5 lead until the 7th inning when Team Tay scored 6 runs in their half of the 7th inning to pin another heartbreaking comeback loss of 11-10 on Team Becky.

Both games were highly competitive and featured late rally victories.

Entertainment was provided by a KO HS female track team member who ran on the adjacent track in a skimpy t-shirt and short shorts. The highlight came when she decided to sit on the track 20 feet away from the field while facing us and proceeded to put on a clinic in flexibility. Rumor has it that Meersky has yet to stop drooling. He tawt he taw her ovaries!

The game marked the triumphant reurn of Hamdog from Columbus, who brought a friend, Rhino to join us. The Don brought his consiglierre, Natey and Timmee L. brought a buddy as well. Also in attendance was Tay's brother Gunky and her cousin B. The usual suspects rounded out the bunch. The game's were a blast and were immediately followed by a BBQ at Bluey's place.

The BBQ featured Highmark's wife and twin progeny, a surprise visit from Francois and his significant other from Redding, the Trimpdog boys, Bluey's gals, Choder's wife, The Don's wife Kay, and Tay's cousin LiLi and husband Cali.

Of course, as usual, the day went entirely too fast. Another softball event is in the plans for August. Thanks to everyone for coming and making the day a special one!

Bluey In Lockdown Mode

(contains no spoilers)

Aussie, Loni, Bebis, Kitty and I went to the midnight opening to pick up our copy of the last Harry Potter novel. We have two more copies being delivered this morning so that Loni, Aussie and I can read it simultaneously.

I've got a softball party/BBQ today, so after that is over, I'll pretty much go into radio silence mode until I finish the book.

Epilogue: Loni has finished the book at 11pm tonight. Although I told her not to say anything, she did give me an overall tone of the book.

I'm about halfway through the book after starting it Saturday night. I'm really bumming that this will be the last one, but realize that the ending of this book may not leave any other choice.

I should finish the book on Monday night.

I Want An Oompa-Loompa, Daddy!

Well, I'm almost through an entire week off with my four daughters, Aussie, Loni, Bebis and Kitty. The endless hum of their wants and desires have expressed a brain cancer similar to what I'd have if I wore a helmet of radiating cellphones 24-7.

After trips to the bowling alley, clothing and shoe stores, restaurants, movies, doctor's appointments, and countless other jaunts, I'm at my limit. Today, I had all four trying to talk me into going out to do their back to school shopping today. They pestered me for damn near two hours.

This has pretty much gone on all week. Every six minutes when one of them ask me for something, I respond in Ms. Veruca Salt's english accent, "I want an oompa-lumpa, daddy!!!!".

I'm usually a rock when it comes to denying the girl's requests for lip gloss, exfoliators, makeup, $6 shampoo and an assortment of crap they don't need, but I'm wearing down. Thank jesus I have company coming over tomorrow. I need a respite from the abuse.

"I want a cow that shits out Cadbury bars and shoots chocolate syrup out of its' milkers, daddy!!!!"

An Inconvenient Truth..."Your Son Is A Junkie!"

Granted, I'm sure Al Gore Senior is happy that his marijuana smoking, pill popping, 100 MPH driving son Al Gore III was driving an eco-friendly Toyota Prius at the time of his arrest by police. But, his tree hugging protege son may have pointed out a simple but inconvenient truth.

Maybe Al should have stopped globe trotting on his global warming speaking engagements and film making tours and stepped aside to do a little parenting over the past 7 years.

Even though this is his second such stop (he was pulled over doing 94 in one of the Carolinas) and that this time he was travelling with a personal stash of grass and five types of pills, I'm sure this will get pooh poohed by the local authorities and the mainstream media (except of course, the NY Post which lives for these stories). As long as the younger Gore keeps up his tree hugging ways, I'm sure he can do no wrong in Papa's eyes.

Next he'll be the reformed environmentalist and in thirty years the Democrats will push him for the presidency because we are a "nation of healing and understanding".

Way to go Junkie!

Sather's Sweet Redemption!

In Glen Sather's first two years as GM of the NY Rangers, I wanted his head on a platter a la John the Baptist.

This past weekend my beloved NY Rangers signed the two best available free agent centers in one fell swoop. In the past, Glen Sather's free agent signings have made me cringe. Coming from tight purse-strings in Edmonton, he spent like a drunken sailor during his first few years in New York which prompted me to actively drum for his dismissal. Then over the next few years, much to my joy and many other Ranger fans annoyance, he traded for draft picks and let the rebuilding process begin. He finally let the rookies play as he started jettisoning big fat unproductive contracts. Only then did the Rangers find some grit and passion for playing a 60 minute game.

After the last productive 2 years, with more impact rookies on the horizon (namely defensemen Marc Staal and Bobby Sanguinetti), Sather finally dusted off the checkbook and not only did he sign marquee names, he signed two proven character guys who know how to win. The Rangers have suddenly become a team that players around the NHL respect and want to play for. Look at Brendan Shanahan. He could have played anywhere but accepted less money to play for the Rangers. We were starting to see a transformation in perception within and outside the team.

Make no mistake, Drury and Gomez were sold on playing together on the Rangers long before Sather pulled out his checkbook. The only reason the Rangers got either of them was because they both wanted to join a franchise on it's way towards the Stanley Cup.

Now whether the Rangers win a Cup in the next few years is debatable. But, what cannot be debated is that this is a team that is going to give other teams fits for 60 minutes every night.
Playing the Rangers is going to be a very unpleasant prospect for the rest of the NHL. They now have the goal scoring that is on par with just about anyone. They have Vezina level goaltending in Lundqvist and potentially another goaltender in the minors (Montoya), who may be just as good and they have a solid defensive core with the best players being under 25 years of age. They are a puck control team who are going to wear out other teams on many nights.

I've been preaching for patience and now is the time to grab for the ring. Sather's coup de grace in free agency will have a huge impact. Not only with the Gomez and Drury addition, but he subtracted them from two of the best eastern conference teams. Also, these guys are leaders and character guys. They play best when the game is on the line and should adeptly deal with the pressures of playing in New York. These guys wanted badly to be here. That's not something you usually get in free agents.

I'm ecstatic that Sather declined to offer 35 year old Michael Nylander a 4 year 20M contract. If you're going to spend 5M a year for a 35-39 year old forward, why not spend an extra couple of million and get players at the top of their game and in their prime?

That feeling I had when the Rangers got Mark Messier...I have that same feeling today. Sather still has some work to do but he's on the right path.

The haze of Alzheimer's has finally lifted from Sather. He finally "gets it". Thank You Jesus!

Gooooooooooooo Rangers!!!

Ferrandez: I'm In Love With My Glove!

Last night I played catch in bed and slept with her.

No, not Tay. I'm talking about my new softball glove.
She's a Mizuno Envy and I'm doing my best to break her in just right. She's soft and lacy with nice curves and a deep enough pocket to tuck two balls in.

She's also got that new glove smell that I never had growing up in a small village outside Mexicali, Mejico.

You see, we were too poor to afford gloves, so we used pieces of cardboard or whatever we could get our hands on to soften the sting of the ball.

I remember my first glove came from a case of Trojan Magnums. My eighteen siblings and I cut up the cardboard box and made about a dozen ball gloves out of it. My piece of cardboard served me well as over the past twenty years as it was perfectly molded to my palm.

Now, I'm still only 14 years old according to my birth certificate and still have aspirations to get that 4 year 62M contract from an Alzheimer's ridden George Steinbrenner. But, now I have a new glove. And I appreciate her more than others because it took me many years of picking various fruits and vegetables alongside my pal Supermonkey, to be able to afford such a luxury.

I think Tay is jealous of her, so I hide her. But every Sunday now, I'll be showing her off as she'll be flashing leather for all to see. Sweet!

Kennywood's Open!

Happy 10th Birthday shout to my daughter, Kitty!

We celebrated with a day at Kennywood and as always, had a load of fun. Tay, Aussie, Loni, Bebis and I rang in Kitty's birthday with a surprise trip to the amusement park this morning.

By the way, Kennywood's new alien ride, Cosmic Chaos, got a big thumbs down from the girls, who said it was actually pretty painful to ride.

As Granpa says, "Real junk!"

Leaves of Three, Doodlebee!

That's the permutation of the "leaves of three, let it be" quotation that I taught my girls in an effort to keep them away from poison ivy.

For about 12+ years I've managed to stay away from any major outbreak of my arch-nemesis. I certainly didn't get it by going in the woods. My guess is I got it from the dogs, which I'd argue is where most people get it.

Today, I am defeated as my right arm has become a casualty of war. It's so bad I had to cancel the Softball/BBQ event at my place this weekend. Major bummer.

Put Poison Ivy on top of the list of things that give me cancer.

Full Faith and Credit

For my birthday last week, I received several "naughty and nice" coupons from Tay among other things. The coupon above is an example of the "nice" lot.

But, then I started wondering...

What exactly are these coupons worth? So, I decided to perform a little test to see if they were indeed worth the ink and paper they were printed on.

On saturday night, after Tay fell asleep and I was watching TV, I reached into the bureau and extracted a coupon. Then I gently shook her awake.

"Whhhaaatt? huh....what do you want ?

"I've got a coupon"

"What?"

"I've got a coupon"

"Are you kidding me? I'm asleep, leave me alone!"

"But, I've got a coupon (waving it her face). See?"

"Are you crazy, you woke me up for that? I'm tired, I'm going back to sleep!"

"But it was my birthday present. Won't you at least look at it? C'mon, turn on the light."

"I'm going back to sleep"

"Oh, I guess all these coupons are worthless then"

"Hrrrmmmph....okay (turning the light on), lemme see"

She looks at the coupon which calls for one passionate kiss. She honors the coupon and then rolls over and goes back to sleep.

We wake up the next morning.

"I could kill you for waking me up in the middle of the night with a coupon"

And then I proceeded to make my argument:

"You know why a US dollar has worth? Because it is backed by the full faith and credit of the United States government. No matter where I take a US dollar, I know that it will be honored and that I expect to get a certain value from the note. The only reason it is worth something other than the paper and ink that make it up, is that it is universally accepted anywhere you go, even in foreign countries."

"So, what's your point?"

"These Love coupons you gave me, don't exactly have any value except at the Bank of Tay. If they do not have the backing of the full faith and credit of Tay, they are worthless. Yesterday, I tried to redeem one and was very close to being unable to "cash" it."

"You woke me up in the middle of the night!"

"Do you know why sometimes there are runs on a bank because people don't think that their money is safe and want to withdraw it immediately? If enough people try to redeem their accounts at the bank at once, the bank would fail to have enough cash to pay out. Banks don't operate by holding all of their cash in the bank at once. Banks operate on a certain faith that your money is there when you need it. Well, last night, I felt like I had a stack of cash in the Bank of Tay and all of a sudden I realized that it was worthless because the bank may never be open. I had these coupons, but I would have a hard time redeeming them."

"It was the middle of the night!"

"The coupons don't have any time restrictions indicated on them"

"Well, I'm not going to honor them when I'm asleep."

"So, you're saying that the Bank of Tay has a schedule of hours?"

"Yes, when I'm awake...and when I feel like it"

"What!, when you FEEL like it?"

"Pretty much."

"You know how I feel now? I feel like I just went into the bank at 1:50 pm and filled out a withdrawal slip for $40 and stood in the teller's line. There are about 3 or 4 tellers mulling around in the back but none are at the window. So, I wait patiently, for about 5 minutes or so as they stand around the coffee pot and make chit chat. Finally, I get upset and scream, "Is anybody in this godforsaken place gonna fucking help me or what?", and then finally begrudgingly one of the tellers approaches the window with a fucking puss on and asks me what I want. "I'd like to withdraw $40 from my account", "Okay, I'll have to check with the branch manager", then after another 10-15 minutes, I finally get frustrated and yell, "Can someone please help me!". Finally, another teller comes to the window and slides the $40 under the glass and I say "It's about fucking time". Then as I make my way to the door, I open it and hear a hushed voice behind me saying "asshole". As soon as the door closes behind me, I hear the door latch and the sign on the door is switched to CLOSED. That's how I felt last night when I tried to redeem my coupon".

"You are being ridiculous"

"Am I? God forbid I got out the door and realized I needed another 20 bucks. I would have gotten a big "Fuck You" from the bank.

"Honestly!"

"I just want to know that the "currency" I have in my bureau is worth something, that's all. And if it's not, is it transferrable?"

"Transferrable?"

"Yes, if I took my coupons to another "bank" would they honor them and would they be allowed to honor them?"

"What do you mean?"

"If I found myself some mexican honey, say, named Odette. Would I be able to take my coupons and cash them in to the Bank of Odette? And given the exchange rate between the US dollar and the peso, could I expect 20-40% more "services" for my coupon?"

"That is definitely not allowed!"

"Well, then the Bank of Tay needs to stay competitive with other branches and be flexible with her hours. That's all I'm saying."

"What was I thinking when I gave you those coupons?"

"I don't know but I sure got alot of them. And they have no expiration dates."

"Good grief!, let me see those coupons! They're only good for a year"

"Nice try, no deal."

(My name is bluey, I've got a coupon, I've got a coupon shiny and new, I'm going to get me all sorts of "favors", that's what I'm going to do!)

Fatties Rejoice!

Finally! No more chunking out while binge drinking good ol' H2O. Now I can pound down my 8 glasses of water a day without developing cottage cheese ass and blubber flaps. Science finally has a breakthrough that will allow us all to look like Kate Moss as early as this summer.

So drink up and let's all be thin for a change. Now that we don't have to worry about the water weight, scientists can concentrate on making the fat-free pizza and lo-cal fried cheesesticks!

It's truly amazing what morons will buy. Props to Long/Short Capital for bringing this photo to my attention.

The Last Thing I Want To Do Is Start A Race Discussion But...

from ESPN.com, an article quoting Gary Sheffield:

The percentage of African-Americans playing Major League Baseball is at an all-time low and Gary Sheffield says he has a theory why that's the case.

In an interview with GQ magazine that's currently on newsstands, the typically outspoken Tigers designated hitter said Latin players have replaced African-Americans as baseball's most prevalent minority because they are easier to control.

"I called it years ago. What I called is that you're going to see more black faces, but there ain't no English going to be coming out. … [It's about] being able to tell [Latin players] what to do -- being able to control them," he told the magazine.

"Where I'm from, you can't control us. You might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit, but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is. And that's a person that you're going to talk to with respect, you're going to talk to like a man.

"These are the things my race demands. So, if you're equally good as this Latin player, guess who's going to get sent home? I know a lot of players that are home now can outplay a lot of these guys."

According to a 2005 report by the University of Central Florida Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sport, only 8.5 percent of major leaguers were African-American -- the lowest percentage since the report was initiated in the mid-1980s. By contrast, whites comprised 59.5 percent of the majors' player pool, Latinos 28.7 percent and Asians 2.5.


Wow. You would think that when someone is paying you $10M, that they would retain "control" of your professional life. Expect you to conform to the companies' policies and conduct yourself in a manner consistent with the company's goals. Especially, on a baseball team where you are expected to follow the strategies of the coaches to the letter in order to win in a team sport. Obviously, you would have the freedom to turn down the $10M contract.

I won't say that Gary speaks for more than a very small percentage of African-Americans, but these comments speak volumes to an "attitude problem against any authority" in this segment of the population. My personal belief is that this perceived "Uncle Tom Syndrome" is what is really holding back some African-Americans. Being able to mesh with those around us is what makes us successful as a country as well as on an individual level. Looking down upon those who have accepted this notion and having achievied personal success is pathetic.

Life is a team sport, Gary. Your brand of racism is offensive to me and I'm sure the Latin players will have much to say on this topic in the coming days.

What a jackass.

Buccos Win!

Well, some of us go to Pirates games even as they sport their losing record. Sure, I'm not a Pirates fans and I didn't pay for the tickets but Tay, Aussie, Loni, Bebis, Kitty and I enjoyed a nice night out at the ballyard with LiLi and Cal. The weather was beautiful for a night out on the town with overcast skies and a cool breeze. The Pirates won 3-1 over the LA Dodgers.




We got enough Adam LaRoche bobbleheads (8, and courtesy of LaRoche College, which I thought was hilarious) to make $3.47 total on Ebay! What genius in the Pirate organization decides to have a bobblehead night for a new player that only recently started hitting over the Mendoza line?



Okay, okay, what you guys really want to know and what I'm here to report: Hannah won the great pierogi race on Saturday as the Pirate Parrot kept Chester away from the finish line in a dastardly show of interference. Bud Selig, has yet to review and rule on the outcome nor has he indicated if the Parrot would be disciplined by MLB.

Raise the Jolly Roger!

War Is Hell!

An excerpt from today's Wall Street Journal for any interested parties:

One of the first to arrive in the area was Jeff Best, a general manager hired to help head up operations. Mr. Best is a fifth-generation Phelps employee with a background in the military, including experience as a platoon sergeant for a machine-gun unit in the first Gulf War.

Give em' hell Jeffy!

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

An Update to the Josh Hancock story:

Apparently St. Louis Cardinals deceased pitcher, Josh Hancock, wasn't the only asshole in his family. His Dad now has filed a lawsuit against the restaurant that served Josh drinks, the tow truck company, who's flatbed Josh hit and the poor soul who's broken down car was responsible for the tow truck being there in the first place.

What a Grade A jackass. It's really no wonder why Josh was an alcoholic. Obviously, Daddy only looked at him as a frigging meal ticket. And here is Daddy's last chance to raid the gravy train. How pathetic.

Raise The Jolly Roger!

I have a buddy, who shall remain nameless unless he chooses to come forward, who is a Pittsbugh Pirates fan only when the team is over a .500 winning percentage. Well, he didn't exactly put it that way, he said that he wouldn't entertain paying to go to a Pirate game unless said prior condition was met by the franchise.

Granted, the Pirates suck, McClatchey and Littlefield are retards and the Nutting family is only interested in turning a profit with the team. But as a lifelong NY Mets fan, I've suffered through far worse than any Pirate fan can imagine. Between 1974 and 1985, the Mets had some geniunely horrible seasons. I have little or no memories of 1969 of 1973. But as bad as the Mets were, I still went to the games and cheered them on. They were basically lovable losers. I guess a team can only be that when enough fans really care about the team. Let's face it, Pittsburgh is a Steeler town and only have baseball and hockey fans when the winning bandwagon comes around.

But, one thing struck me today as I was looking a the baseball standings and because of it, maybe my friend's .500 rule should be ammended.

The Pirates and their 40M payroll at 22-28 are now a half game better than the 21-28, 220M and growing NY Yankee payroll. So, the Pirates are getting more production than the Yankess at a 180M discount. Shouldn't that be cause to make an exception to the rule?

Yankees suck!!!!! Gooooooo Mets!!!!

Misguided Yenta: Will Work For Food!

I'm really going to try my best, not to dump too much on someone who lost a son in the War on Terror because that would do a tremendous disrespect for Spc Casey Sheehan, who died in service to our country.

After years of stalking George W. Bush in some sort of wacky goal of creating a purpose in her son's death (as if it wasn't already full of purpose), she basically did just the opposite. She alienated her friends and family, did her best to tarnish her son's image as a patriot, ran herself into tremendous debt trying to keep herself in the spotlight, and finally losing just about everything, including her husband.

It's perfectly normal to aggregiously grieve over a son's death. I cannot fault her for that. I also have no problem with her being against the war. That's her own choice and belief of what is right. Again, no problem.

But when she chose to use her son's death to actively put her face in the media to promote her own ideas, that's where a line is drawn. Who knows what her deceased son, Pfc Casey Sheehan really believed. All I know is that if it was me who died, I'd be mortified to know that my mother pulled such stunts to promote her own ideas. I think that is wrong. Unfortunately, this will be Casey Sheehan's legacy. Someone who didn't believe in the war and was a victim of his own government.

Is that true? I don't know. Nobody does. But that's not the legacy I'd want left behind for me.

Thanks Mom. Thanks a lot.