The Feud

People who know me, know what a competitive person I am. My fiancée, Tay, is pretty much the same way. One of the things we like to do while we watch Family Feud (which, amazingly, is still on the air!), is see who can come up with the most #1 answers during a given episode. Of course, I dubbed myself the “#1 answer machine” and in the past have routinely dispatched of Tay in previous matchups.

Last night, we we’re watching the Feud and things went horribly wrong. Tay immediately scored a #1 right off the bat and took a 1-0 lead. I didn’t feel too bad though because it was a “chick” question, something having to do with things women wear.

The second question was “Thing that you would want a lifetime supply of”. Tay answered “Money”, which turned out to be the #1 answer by far with 58% responding. I immediately started protesting.

“That is a stupid answer. Asking for a lifetime supply of money is tantamount to having a lifetime supply of just about everything else (except for some ephemeral choices such as happiness, peace or love). That’s fucking bogus!”

“Stop being such a sore loser. I’m up 2-0. Besides, your answer was absolutely ridiculous”

At this time, there is only one more answer left on the board.

“If my answer was so stupid, if it’s up there, will you give me the point for the round?”

“Absolutely”, Tay replied.

And the final answer, garnering 3 votes, was “toilet paper”.

“Yes!!!” (I start laughing uncontrollably)

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“1-1 tie….Yes!!!!”

“That is bullshit. Who in their right mind would say toilet paper?”

“Apparently, there are three other people in the world that appreciate having a clean ass other than me”.

“Unbelievable”, Tay sulks.

In the third round, neither one of us manages a point, but we agree to award half a point for the next highest answer. The category is “things associated with Holland”. I select Windmills (#3), while Tay selects Wooden Shoes (#2). We both are surprised our answers are not #1’s. Tulips is the #1 answer. My secondary answer, Dykes…er…I mean Dikes, comes in at #5. But this puts Tay up 1.5-1 point with one round left.

The question is “Words that rhyme with Nerd”.

Tay shouts Bird and is awarded the #1 answer and apparent victory. More answers are given until only one is left. I immediately go into begging mode because my answer is disgusting.

“Please let me win if my answer is up there. C’mon, there is no way my answer will be on a family show”, I plead.

Tay, caught up in her victory, says “Sure, though there’s not a chance in hell your word is up there. But, if it’s not, you have to give up the other point you won with toilet paper too”. She is incredibly smug thoroughly assured of her victory. I quickly agree to her terms.

No one gets the last answer on the show, so in unison, as usual the crowd reads the final answer not chosen.

“TURD!”

“YES!!!!!! I win, I win (rolling off the bed laughing to the point of choking to death)”

“That doesn’t count…I still win”

“Oh, no you didn’t. You promised. I win! (finally catching my breath)”

Tay is defeated and glum. “You have to give me my win back”.

“No way!”, I childishly respond. “I won fair and square”.

“You did not!”

“I did too. It’s not my fault that you were so sure of victory that you would gamble it away to go for the shutout.”

Tay is still brooding over her loss.