My newest exploit is designing and building a chicken coop for my daughter, Kitty's chicken, who we call Churkey.
It's about 75% finished and I hope to complete it this week. I'll post a picture of my completed work soon. I'm hoping to win a blue ribbon in Modern Chicken Coop Design at the Washington County fair in 2008.
Tay tells me that there is no such thing. That's a real killjoy since I never won a blue ribbon in my life. I want one bad!
With radical Islam running rampant in a nuclear country, a democracy could possibly put these weapons in the hands of an extremist. Pakistan really needs to step up and take back control of the education of it's young. While under any other circumstance, I would be against this idea, it is evident that the mullahs are raising a population of extremist nuts.
If it does prove out that Islamic fanatics like Al Qaeda are responsible for Bhutto's death, the US and the rest of the world would do well to support Pakistan's President Musharraf and call for the proper education of the future generation of Pakistan. As a nuclear nation, the world has to hold Pakistan responsible to who holds power in that country. A 25% literacy rate is abysmal in a country with the potential for such destruction. It's about time the world makes an effort to educate the masses.
Or the mullahs will continue to generate new generations of suicide bombers and nuts. For the time being, I wouldn't mind seeing the UN and Pakistan cleaning out the tribal areas of Pakistan as a start.
Why is our most sacred holiday whored out for the masses? Can't we make a gift whoring holiday out of Rosh Hashanah or Ramadan instead? No, God forbid we bastardize a Jewish or Islamic holiday.
I think Christians should finally put the silliness surrounding the holiday to rest. I read an article today that puts forth a nice idea for the holiday going forward. Please enjoy.
Let's stick it to the masses and as Christians "keep it real". Peace.
This quote was taken from a news story from last week. It cracked me up. Al Gore threatens the US and China! You just can't beat the cajones on Mr. "I won a Nobel peace prize on the backs of other people's research" Gore. What a jackass!
...I'll Take Away The Internet I Created!" (okay I made up the last part, but I'm still kinda wondering what the US and China's punishment will be if they fail to act on global warming)
Not exactly a surprise to me. Clemens' career was in the toilet when he left the Bosox. It certainly explains his rebirth with the Jays/Astros and Yanks.
How about the Houston Astros, who have to be sick that they just parted with 5 prospects for Miguel Tejada about 2 days before he was outed as well.
People are already talking about how this affects the HOF voting. I think that all these guys should be kept out by the sportwriters and leave it up to their peers, the veteran's committee, to make these selections. Something tells me, that would be devastating to all these guys.
Sportswriters are such fucking saps. I could guarantee that after making a one year statement by leaving them off the ballot, they all will get into the HOF. But in this case, why not leave it up to the players?
The Warriors and Birdmen (both 10-4) won their final matchups to bounce the Marys. Brio was an 8yd reception by Marques Colston short of beating the Birdmen and sending the Hail Mary to the playoffs. Colston dropped two such passes in the last 3 minutes to seal our fate.
So, a 9-5 season and no playoffs. Unbelievable. I'm bitter.
The Hail Mary (8-5, 3rd place -North) continued to make the case for their playoff push by defeating ProDonor (7-6, 2nd place -South). With only one game to go in the regular season, the Hail Mary trails both the Warriors (9-4) and the Birdmen (9-4) by one game.
The Hail Mary close the regular season against DyNasty (5-8). The Warriors play proDonor while the Birdmen visit Brio (9-4, 1st place -South). The Hail Mary holds the tiebreaker versus the Birdmen and would have to outscore the Warriors by 5 points to acheive the tiebreaker advantage.
The Hail Mary (7-5) win their must-win matchup with Blicious to remain 1 game out of 2nd place and a final playoff spot in the Northern Division. The mudbowl in Pittsburgh prevented Blicious WR Heinz Ward from sinking the Hail Mary season.
Next up is Highmark's ProDonor (7-5 2nd place, Southern Division).
The Northern Division's top two teams, Warriors (9-3) and Birdmen (8-4) square off in another matchup that promises to muddy up the playoff picture.
"Dick's Sporting Goods Inc. has agreed to acquire privately held Chick's Sporting Goods for about $40 million in cash and assumption of about $31 million debt. The deal, to be financed using Dick's Sporting's existing credit facility, is expected to add marginally to the company's earnings in fiscal 2008 and is likely to be completed on or before Dec. 31. Chick's operates 15 specialty sporting goods stores in Southern California. Dick's (NYSE:DKS) operates more than 250 stores around the country, including two in the Birmingham area."
I wonder if they'll sell strap-ons.
Mike Shanahan's timeout call to cool off Rob Bironas' 54 yd FG attempt backfired and a missed FG became a 6 pt play when he nailed the rekick.
The Hail Mary face a must win game versus Blicious.
If you missed Saturday, Nov. 17th's insane incantation of BS Poker, you sure missed a lot.
We had a record attendence. Attendees included Gordo, Gavo, Meersky, Poppinfresh (+Erie), Highmark, Bluey (+Tay), Irish, Griffin, Choder (+Ames), Francois (+Kimee), Cali (+LiLi), Felatio (Aka The Don), and last but certainly not least, all the way from Awahoo, Senor Hamdog.
The night was conceived as a proper send off to Gordo, who is returning to Florida whilst his Pittsburgh crack house in Edgewood/Swissvale is up for sale.
But Highmark might have received the harshest sendoff of all on Saturday night. With 12-13 guys around the table, we chose to dismiss the reverse in order from hand to hand in order to get the cards to everyone as much as possible. Highmark started the night taking cards from Bluey during the first half and ended the night taking them from Gavo. In the end, he felt similar to the mouse on the bottom of the picture above.
Some excerpts from Highmark's salesmen:
Bluey: "I've got a pair of kings and a pair of queens"
Highmark: "I thought you said that you have kings and aces?"
Bluey: "No, did I? Why? Do you want kings and aces?"
Highmark: "Sure (sarcastically)"
Bluey: "Okay, you've got it. A pair of kings and a pair of aces!"
Gavo: "I discarded the lowest high card. I don't know what a straight is, but whatever Irish handed me is legit. But it has an eight in it, now. So it's a straight with an eight. What ever that means. Listen, I'm just giving you what he gave me. Which isn't much. Or maybe it is, but I wouldn't know."
Highmark: "Are you fucking kidding me?"
A shell-shocked Highmark swallowed the cards in both instances.
Bluey (after being handed those cards from Highmark): "bullshit!'
Highmark: (not even trying to sell it because it came from Gavo): "You are right, it's total garbage"
In both instances, Highmark grabbed his throbbing temple with both hands and wished he was back home feeding and diapering his kids.
Even Hamdog was in true form, making all kinds of side bets on the table's action, and adding to Highmark's misery.
Hamdog: "Side bet....... the pair isn't there"
(Highmark loses again)
Hamdog: "See, you owe me a quarter"
Highmark: "I didn't make any fucking bet with you"
All in all, Highmark ended up with 6 totes on his 8's tote board, which included two doubles for three of a kind 8's.
But the night had plenty of action all around the table, which included newbies Cali and Francois.
Even Cupcake showed up for the festivities, holding up a German potato masher and inquiring:
Cupcake: "There is a fuse in here, is this thing real?" (holding the inert WWII German grenade)
Gavo: "No wonder the pollacks lost the war."
Highmark: "Right Cupcake, we play poker with live 70 year old munitions. And me without my mortar round"
Gavo, who is well known for his ability to depreciate hands, didn't turn a straight into a pair of jacks, but offered this tasty downgrade.
Gordo to Gavo : "A ten a seven and a nine"
Gavo to Choder: "A ten a seven and a six"
The quote of the night also came from Gavo who was holding 3 7's before giving them to Highmark: "I actually drew that 4th seven but threw it out because I didn't know how it would improve the hand!"
Other notable lines:
From Gordo: "Don't Fuckin' look at me...","Zieg Heil"
From Choder: "I'm not the Mayor (of Swallower's Row)!"
Traditional Favorites: "Do I want those cards?" , "You want these cards!", "You can't handle the cards!!!!"
From Hamdog, Gavo and Highmark: The Shingles conversation (you had to be there).
We dined on Mineo's pizza and got to watch clips from Gavo's movie as well. And Meersky for once was not a human stop sign. Go figure!
Please feel free to add your memories to the comments section. It may take my abdominal muscles months to heal from laughing so hard. Thanks to all for making the night pure gold!
Click on the video link above for a small taste of the evening. "I'm Not The Mayor"
Being the fine Christian I am, of course I obliged and was more than happy to spend as much time as necessary to complete the job.
As I laboriously proceeded from one room to another, we must have replaced about 420 burnt out light bulbs.
You can't say that I don't go the extra mile to help my fellow man (or woman).
I went home, feeling quite good about myself, thinking
For some reason, Tay is upset.
I can't imagine why..........
Special thanks to Gordo for finding this nugget! It's great that we all don't have to work for a living!
Bluey's Hail Mary eek out another close win over the Flavorfools to maintain in a second place tie with a record of 6-4.
With LJ out, the Hail Mary also lost Adrian Peterson and things are looking pretty glum if neither running back returns.
Last night, we we’re watching the Feud and things went horribly wrong. Tay immediately scored a #1 right off the bat and took a 1-0 lead. I didn’t feel too bad though because it was a “chick” question, something having to do with things women wear.
The second question was “Thing that you would want a lifetime supply of”. Tay answered “Money”, which turned out to be the #1 answer by far with 58% responding. I immediately started protesting.
“That is a stupid answer. Asking for a lifetime supply of money is tantamount to having a lifetime supply of just about everything else (except for some ephemeral choices such as happiness, peace or love). That’s fucking bogus!”
“Stop being such a sore loser. I’m up 2-0. Besides, your answer was absolutely ridiculous”
At this time, there is only one more answer left on the board.
“If my answer was so stupid, if it’s up there, will you give me the point for the round?”
“Absolutely”, Tay replied.
And the final answer, garnering 3 votes, was “toilet paper”.
“Yes!!!” (I start laughing uncontrollably)
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“That is bullshit. Who in their right mind would say toilet paper?”
“Apparently, there are three other people in the world that appreciate having a clean ass other than me”.
“Unbelievable”, Tay sulks.
In the third round, neither one of us manages a point, but we agree to award half a point for the next highest answer. The category is “things associated with Holland”. I select Windmills (#3), while Tay selects Wooden Shoes (#2). We both are surprised our answers are not #1’s. Tulips is the #1 answer. My secondary answer, Dykes…er…I mean Dikes, comes in at #5. But this puts Tay up 1.5-1 point with one round left.
The question is “Words that rhyme with Nerd”.
Tay shouts Bird and is awarded the #1 answer and apparent victory. More answers are given until only one is left. I immediately go into begging mode because my answer is disgusting.
“Please let me win if my answer is up there. C’mon, there is no way my answer will be on a family show”, I plead.
Tay, caught up in her victory, says “Sure, though there’s not a chance in hell your word is up there. But, if it’s not, you have to give up the other point you won with toilet paper too”. She is incredibly smug thoroughly assured of her victory. I quickly agree to her terms.
No one gets the last answer on the show, so in unison, as usual the crowd reads the final answer not chosen.
“YES!!!!!! I win, I win (rolling off the bed laughing to the point of choking to death)”
“That doesn’t count…I still win”
“Oh, no you didn’t. You promised. I win! (finally catching my breath)”
Tay is defeated and glum. “You have to give me my win back”.
“No way!”, I childishly respond. “I won fair and square”.
“You did not!”
“I did too. It’s not my fault that you were so sure of victory that you would gamble it away to go for the shutout.”
Tay is still brooding over her loss.
I've never had a TV larger than 27". I sat there and was absolutely mesmorized. Needless to say, I spent the better part of the weekend watching hockey and football on the huge screen and was pretty useless to Tay. I had just gotten DirecTV a few months ago to get the NFL package, so the timing of the TV was perfect.
And then I called DirecTV to upgrade our standard receiver to an HD receiver. The guy I talked to was pretty annoying and the background noise in his office was deafening. I could barely hear him. I was thinking that DirecTV must be operating sweatshops in Indonesia for their existing customer service lines.
He told me what it would cost. It sounded reasonable and I said "okay, go ahead and ship the bad boy". And then he tells me something else.
"I'm going to have to charge you an additional $50 because you haven't been a customer of ours for that long"
"You've only had service for two months, so we will charge you $50 which will be returned to you in $5 increments over the next ten months"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Surely you did a credit check on me when i signed up for service in the first place. I don't see a need for such nonsense."
"Sorry, that's our policy"
"You know what my policy is?"
"You can go fuck yourself for the $50!"
I hung up the phone. Sure, it was pretty juvenile but it sure felt good. I guess DirecTV must be doing pretty good to treat their existing consumer base so shabbily. I guess paying your first two bills on time is not enough for them to float you a $99 HD receiver.
Well, they can kiss my ass. I'm sure at some point, they'll offer a free upgrade and I won't have to pay a dime. What a bunch of jerkoffs.
Sure, I'm cheap and now I won't have HD for the rest of the NFL season. But I'll be damned if I send DirecTV a $50 loan, so they can provide me with a HD receiver.
The Hail Mary improved to 5-3, by avoiding the donkey punch and administering the "Poke In The Eye", leaving the DPers helpless and vulnerable to further abuse via the "Hail Mary" in last Sunday's matchup.
Next up are the first place Warriors with first place on the line!
I let the girls know earlier the true purpose of this walk, except for Kitty, who was baking with Tay most of the day.
As we neared the top, we stood and took in the breathtaking view on a brisk sunny Sunday afternoon. I turned to Tay and said:
"What a beautiful day. You know what would make this day so much better?"
I dropped to a knee. "Tay, will you marry me?"
Tay cries for about 2 minutes, then realizes that she hasn't answered me.
"Yes, of course I will!"
Tay cries for another 5 minutes and Tay, Aussie, Loni, Bebis, Kitty and I form one big pack for a group hug and kisses.
Then the girls proceed to dog pile on top of us and start rolling down the hill in celebration.
Aussie snapped a picture of the moment and I will post it soon.
So to all my friends and family, we're engaged!
When she came into my office to plead her case, she wrote "Save the Cows" on my whiteboard and drew a cowhead.
I told her that I wanted a "triple cow chair".
She asked "What's that?"
"It's a leather chair that three cows had to be sacrificed for to make", I replied.
I then added to her drawing to illustrate how I wanted my finished product to look.
Hence, the triple cow office chair! Of course, the other two heads either ended up in the landfill or could be used as bookends in Poppinfresh's bookcase. I haven't decided yet.
Bluey's Hail Mary was able to right the ship as Peyton Manning led the troops to a much needed victory in Bedrock versus Freddie's Fools. Flavorfool coach, Mr. Slate called his team's performance disappointing and cancelled tomorrow's scheduled day off. He said that his "soft" team would be putting time in his rock quarry to get in shape for next week.
The Hail Mary improves to 4-3 and now trail division co-leader Warriors and Birdmen (both 5-2) by one game. Four teams, including 4-3 Blicious are vying for the Northern Division's two playoff spots.
Next up on the slate are the Donkeypunchers.
Even 40pt scorer Wes Welker was caught in the crossfire when he complained about Special Ed getting goop on his game ball. Wes and Donte Stallworth were throw-ins in the deal.
Third party sources involved tell a story of Hail Mary coach, Don Shula, telling Jacobs that the team was 16 yards shy of victory and to "get his fat lazy ass back in the game!". When Jacobs refused, his fate was sealed. Special Ed came screaming into the locker room with a tube of Vagisil after the game to yell at Jacobs, informing him not to expect to be wearing his uniform next week. As Welker walked by the scene, some Vagisil got mistakenly squirted on his game ball and as he started to complain, a scuffle ensued between Special Ed and Welker. Stallworth unfortunately came between them.
The Hail Mary (3-3) are clearly in disarray after their heartbreaking loss to Blicious. Morale is low and management felt a sledgehammer was the best way to bring about a change in attitude in the locker room.
Reggie Wayne comes in to be the Hail Mary WR3, behind Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmandzadeh. New QB Peyton Manning was ecstatic to hear the news of being reunited with his former receiver.
Week 7's match-up against the Flavorfools is critical. A loss pretty much dooms the franchise's inaugural season.
Brandon Jacobs shit his pants, needing only 18 points to carry the Hail Mary to victory on Monday night, he exited the game late in the 3rd quarter with a sissy sprained ankle, 16 yards short.
Bluey's Hail Mary experiment falls to 3-3 and Peyton Manning makes his Hail Mary debut against the Flavorfools this coming weekend. It's early, but I'd call it a must win game versus Flav owner, Freddie Flinstone.
Homo we go,
Les' be on our way.
I love you, you love me
There's a story today running that Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormick) has a new book out today that will touch on some very Brady girl-on-girl action.
If loving you is wrong....
I don't want to be right...
I bought a companion used Black 2007 Durango to go with my White 2004 Durango.
I guess you can say that my 2004 Durango was lonely and wanted some lovin'.
Or you could say that with Tay and our four daughters, we finally outgrew the Durango without the third seat.
I actually splurged for a vehicle with 4WD, so now I won't spin tires up tay's driveway or worry about dying in Western PA's snowbelts.
It's main purpose will be winter driving and carting around my five peteys. We've already come up with an idea for the license plate.
"The neighbor's cattle broke through the fence and are on Dad's property"
"Really? Did someone call him?
"C'mon, get up. We're going to help dad herd the cattle back onto the neighbor's property."
"What? You're kidding right?"
"I ain't no fucking cattle shepherd. I'm from New York City. I don't want to be trampled by cattle"
"C'mon, we'll use the quads and baseball bats to herd them."
"What?......I'm not slamming some cow with a bat! They'll charge and trample me!"
"Will you get up already!"
"Are you serious? They're not even your dad's cattle. Let someone else die for the neighbors' cows."
And so began Bluey's first experience herding Texas Longhorn cattle using multiple quads, as Stacey worked the gates and her dad and I rode quads like horses and were able to herd about 10 or so cattle back onto the neighbors pasture. Thank God I didn't have to use baseball bats but I was worried at one point when Tay's Dad was herding them towards me and I had to guide them to the gate on the quad. I had visions of getting flipped off the quad and gored right in the ass by a few big bulls.
The other 40 cattle proved too stupid to return to their pasture as they streamed by their gate with our last ditch effort. We left the rest for more experienced hands than mine.
And I was able to escape with only one asshole thankfully, but I got my first experience "riding the herd".
Get em up, move 'em out...Rawhide!
Bluey's Hail Mary GM, Special Ed pulled off the coup of the trading season by securing the rights of Peyton Manning from JusticeLeagueNow. Peyton will replace former Hail Mary quarterback Phillip Rivers as the new starter. Also included in the deal was Jerricho Cotchery and Marvin Harrison.
Hail Mary coach, Don Shula, expects nothing short of a championship from his new field general. The Hail Mary (3-2) are currently in a four way tie for second place in their division which finds every team sporting over a .500 winning percentage.
Current Hail Mary Roster:
QB Peyton Manning/Jay Cutler/Jason Campbell
RB1 Larry Johnson
RB2 Adrian Peterson/Brandon Jacobs/Maurice Jones-Drew/Ladel Betts
WR1 Chad Johnson
WR2 TJ Houshmandzadeh
WR3 Brandon Marshall/Wes Welker
TE Owen Daniels/Greg Olsen
K Nick Folk
D/ST New England Patriots
The Hail Mary (3-2) got back in the win column by defeating the Birdmen in a hotly contested game played in the home team's prison yard.
After slugging it out all day Sunday afternoon, it came down to kickers to decide the result. The Hail Mary's Nick Folk outkicked Birdman Robby Gould to seal the victory.
Next up: Ohhhh Blicious!
This Fall Pilgrimage more than made up for it as we enjoyed the beautiful 80 degree weather by relaxing beachside, doing some kayaking and getting some swimming in!
Contrary to Las Vegas oddsmakers, Halo 3 did not ruin the pilgrimage, as surprisingly, a very minimal amount of the game was played.
Friday afternoon's golf event saw a nail biting finish as The Don (51) successfully defended his championship edging Sparrow by a stroke, Bluey by 3 and the Handyman by 4. The scores were uncharacteristically atrocious and represented the first time a score in the 50's won the event.
Saturday's Softball event saw the Genuises (Sparrow, Este, Poppinfresh, The Don, rent-a-tard Karlos and Bluey) dominate the SRU Tards (Meersky, Irish, Handyman, Special Ed, Francois and Choder) in a mercy rule shortened 4 inning game, 17-2. Genius hitters were unmerciful as every starter, save Bluey, pounded out at least 5 hits. Este had clutch RBIs just about every trip at bat. Poppinfesh picked up the win, pitching the first inning and Bluey recorded the save, mopping up the final three frames in relief.
Axis and Allies was won by the Allies (Meersky-Russia, Handyman-US, Francois-Britain) over the Irish Nazis (Highmark as Hitler and Irish as Japan).
I missed the Stones and Texas Hold'em tournaments due to painful cramped calf muscles caused by horsing around with the football and the frisbee in Lake Erie with the guys. Someone, please forward the winners, so I can post them for posterity.
Horseshoes were cancelled because everyone feared the Handyman/Bluey connection. We will now go down in Pilgrimage lore as the third tandem to hold the Horseshoe title for at least 1 and a half years while ending their reign undefeated (Meersky/TDog, Meersky/Bluey previously). Handy's miss next Spring will probably end our title run.
Jen was also called multiple times by pilgrimagers which makes any future appearance by Handyman tenuous at best.
All in all, a very relaxing pilgrimage. The nice weather was a great change of pace. For those I missed on Sunday morning, thanks for a wonderful weekend!
The Hail Mary return to par at 2-2 on the season. Next up, the Birdmen of Alcatraz.
Shitty starting pitching, crappy hitting, atrocious defense and a manager who is unwilling to dress down his team all added up to the most pathetic finish to a season ever. Do you think the 1962 Mets could have held that lead? I'm thinking that they would have had just as good a chance.
I'm glad the team didn't can Randolph, I like him. But a lot of the faces on this team better change come next spring. I'm thinking most of their middle relief should go except Sosa, the injured Duaner Sanchez and Feliciano. I'd even trade Wagner if I could. Shoenweiss, Heilman and Mota, I'd send out on a rocket.
I'd also ditch Green and let Gomez and Milledge battle out RF. Can Valentin as well. I'm also pretty tired of trotting Glavine out there. Keep Maine and Perez and build the rest of the rotation from scratch.
The 2007 Mets go on the list of things that give me ass cancer.
The Hail Mary sent the Justice League home crying in their soiled underoos as Bluey's squad pounded said superheroes by 65 points. QB Captain America was repeatedly bitchslapped while Batman and Robin were sodomizing each other and Aquaman on the sidelines.
Their was a brief controversy as the Bluey offense poked Superman in the eye, which kept him from preventing the Hail Mary from stealing the Justice League's defensive signals. Hail Mary backup QB Jay Cutler somehow also managed to get Wonder Woman pregnant from his own sideline while the Green Lantern shit his pants in the 1st quarter and never returned to action.
All in all, a successful day as the Marys beat the sissy marys. The Hail Mary go to 2-1 on the season and next face the WashPA Warriors.
"Oh, warriors!!!!.....come out and play!"
I was just overjoyed to be able to help and witness parts of the process. The script was written by Gavo, Hamdog, Gav's buddy Ron and Gavo's wife and is, from what I understand, a psychological thriller with plenty of plot twists. The Tribune Review wrote a story recently about the film and it's principals. If you are interested in following the progress of the film making, please see Gavo's OccaBocca blog. There is a link on my blogs' front page.
Guys, all of my best wishes with this film. I can't wait to see the finished product.
Oh, and I guess I should start to figure out the seven degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon to Bluey for cocktail parties, and start assembling a posse of my peeps.
Epilogue: Just in case anyone is interested. Here is the 7 degrees of separation from Bluey to Kevin Bacon.
Tom Atkins "Trapped", "Lethal Weapon"
Danny Glover "Lethal Weapon", "Saw"
Cary Elwes "Saw","The Princess Bride"
Robin Wright Penn "The Princess Bride", "Forrest Gump"
Tom Hanks "Forrest Gump", "Apollo 13"
Kevin Bacon "Apollo 13"
Corbin Bernsen "Trapped", "Major League"
Wesley Snipes "Major League", "Rising Sun"
Sean Connery "Rising Sun", "Indiana Jones/Last Crusade"
Harrison Ford "Indiana Jones/Last Crusade", "Apocalypse Now"
Laurence Fishburne "Apocolypse Now", "Mystic River"
Kevin Bacon "Mystic River"
I guess they are right, Kevin Bacon is the center of the universe!
Unfortunately, my kids don't have a prayer in that department because I was born with crazy good analytical skills. From looking around and talking to them, I can usually figure out the truth and bust them pretty quickly.
This past weekend, Tay and our four daughters, Aussie, Loni, Bebis and Kitty, were enjoying a nice weekend together when Loni came down the stairs crying. I ask her what is wrong and she tells me that she knocked a cup of diet 7-up on the computer keyboard. Immediately, I get annoyed because the biggest rule I have for the computer room is NO FOOD OR DRINK. There is no exceptions. I don't even break that rule...ever.
I ask Loni why there was a drink up there in the first place.
"It wasn't mine daddy, I swear. I'm so sorry for knocking the drink on the keyboard!"
She breaks down in tears and it breaks my heart. I'm fairly confident that even though Loni knocked the drink over, it really wasn't her fault and she was besides herself with grief.
I dismiss Loni, ask her to bring down the keyboard, and start cleaning it by removing all the keys. The whole time I'm talking to Tay about the whole situation to get any ideas she has about who the culprit is.
So, then I call my youngest, Kitty, downstairs and ask her if she brought a drink into the computer room.
"It wasn't me daddy, I would never bring a drink into the computer room".
And you know what, I believed her. She's about as much of a rules nut as I am and I doubt very much that it would have been her. Plus, she's more of an orange-strawberry-banana juice girl. I've rarely seen her drink 7-up, when given a choice.
Which brought me to Bebis and Aussie, who seemed to be doing their very best to avoid me. Bebis can be a little bit of a rebel at times and reminds me so much of myself at that age. She's got a little bit of a devilish streak in her at times. I talk to her and she adamantly denies bringing the drink in the room, but I remain unconvinced. You see, Bebis is more of a water drinker but she wasn't exactly persuasive in her denial.
7-up is Ausssie's favorite drink but she also is the oldest daughter and is pretty responsible. She also denies bringing the drink up to the computer room and sounds convincing.
At this point, I'm perplexed. I bring them all together and ask them together who did it.
"We didn't do it"
"Of course you didn't. Nobody did it! It just magically appeared in the computer room or maybe we got a ghost that likes to drink Cherry 7-up. Is that what you're trying to tell me? If you gals can't follow simple rules, I'm taking computer time away from all of you."
They agree to the ghost part and cringe about losing computer priviledges.
Maybe we do have a thirsty ghost. I'm pretty disappointed in myself because even though I live with the four peteys, they never usually get anything past me. But that turned out to be my problem and why I couldn't solve "The Case of the Soggy Keyboard".
I'll get to that in just a second. I figured that I'd visit the scene of the crime before I gave up. When I was looking around the room, Tay walked in to console me.
"Oh my god!"
"What?", she says.
"You did it!"
"What, no I didn't!"
"You framed the kids!"
You see, that was my mistake. I dont have FOUR PETEYS...I have FIVE PETEYS! That was the error in my deduction.
As I looked around the computer room, there was the box of tomato basil wheat thins that I had been eating in my room the night before. The kids hate those wheat thins. I hadn't used the computer that morning, so there was only one way they got into the computer room. I also had a 7-up drink in my room that I'd bet my left testicle wasn't still there either. Before I got up to check on that drink, I look at Tay.
"You came in here this morning to use the computer while I was making your coffee and cooking your breakfast. You brought the drink and the wheat thins in and left them there."
"I did no........oh, my god.....I did!"
"I know you did. I'm sure if I check for the drink in my bedroom, I'll find it gone"
She is mortified since we had been grilling the kids for an hour and Loni had been in tears.
As I walked into the bedroom, of course the drink is gone. I turn to Tay and say, "You framed the kids!". She throws me on the bed and she tells me that I'm going to keep my big mouth closed.
I start to yell for the girls.
Tay puts a pillow on my head and then tries to shove a sock in my mouth. She is stone cold busted but refuses to come clean. I continue to tease her by calling for the girls. She tries to smother me.
"I can't believe you framed the girls and now you won't come clean"
"They don't need to know anything about this...ever"
And the secret is safe to this point....well, to the girls anyway.
Of course Tay tries to turn it around on me and make an excuse that she was merely cleaning up after me and just happened to leave the stuff in the computer room.
I open my mouth again....
Here is a powerful and amazing statement on Al Jazeera television. The woman is Wafa Sultan, an Arab-American psychologist from Los Angeles. I would suggest watching it ASAP because I don't know how long the link will be active. This film clip should be shown around the world repeatedly!
And shame on people who continue to believe that the US is somehow responsible for 9/11 or brings this grief upon itself.
Bluey's Hail Mary popped it's WashPa fantasy football cherry by defeating Cali's DyNasty squad by 18 points late last night. The tandem of Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmandzadeh put DyNasty in an early hole that they just came up short of climbing out of. DyNasty RB Laurence Maroney had a final chance to squeeze out the victory but evidently, he must have been caught sleeping with coach's daughter, Chastity Belichick, during the pregame warmups as Bill relegated him to a very minor role.
The Hail Mary improve to 1-1 as DyNasty owner Cali falls to 0-2 and calls for a the replacement of one tear-stained carpet.
So, I pretty much forget about it and I'm finishing up mowing the lawn one day when Tay comes up to me and grabs my head and slips a piece of beef jerky in my mouth. "You did a real nice job on the lawn". She kisses me and walks away.
A day or two later, I was changing some burnt out lightbulbs in her kitchen and after I'm done, she does the same thing, while patting me on the head. I'm thinking to myself, "Man, is that beef jerky yummy".
Then it occurs to me after I finish chewing the piece of jerky. I have no idea where the big bag of beef jerky is. And it also occurs to me that it hasn't been beef jerky that I've been eating (well, in reality it has been).
I've been eating fucking Scooby Snacks!
Now, you may be confused by this, by the grim reality hit me like a sledgehammer. Tay was using the beef jerky as a reward after I performed jobs around the house for her without me realizing it. I always knew that men were dumb mammals but what a dope I had been. I was nothing more than a trained circus seal.
So, I asked Tay where the bag of jerky was. She immediately knew that I was on to her.
"You don't get to have the bag."
"What the fuck? That's my beef jerky!"
"And I've been giving it to you"
"Yeah...giving it to me like giving god damned Scooby Snacks to a dog after doing jobs around the house!"
She starts laughing, realizing that she is busted but probably because she had manged to get away with it for three or so days.
She still doesn't surrender the bag even after I throw a tantrum.
"We'll see how much gets done around here while I'm waiting for you to fork over that bag".
"If you want jerky, you'll do what you're told", she jokes.
Thankfully, Tay's daughter, Aussie, who has had her cellphone taken away, finds the bag in Tay's hiding place and gives it to me. I immediately lift her cellphone restriction for her good deed.
All was right with the world, except now I'm out of jerky again.
So, the Hail Mary experiment starts at 0-1. Next up, Cali's DyNasty (0-1).
She scanned the TV and noticed that there was a futures market in gold, silver, aluminum and just about anything a person could dream up.
Then she asks, "Is there a futures market in Diamonds?"
Immediately knowing what she's angling at, I reply "No."
"They're just not a good investment. There's no way of making money in a diamonds market."
"Why is that?", she inquired.
"Because each diamond comes with a woman who will spend your fortune away."
Tay gives me a cross look. I start laughing.
Bluey stock advice: Short October Diamond contracts.
Then, the Mets swept the Braves and the Phils started losing.
And the Mets won the first two at Cincy for a 5 game win streak as the Phils fell 6 games behind again. I swear to God, this team is going to kill me before the season is over.
Dr. Pedro Martinez was able to excise a few tumors last night with a rusty butter knife but with a month to go, it can go either way.
This team is far better than any National League team and has the offense to rival any World Series opponent. But, I said the same thing last year and they lost to the goddamned Cardinals thanks to one Mr. David Wright.
C'mon guys, get you heads out of my ass and cure me already. 1986 was a long time ago.
Ausseo is running track, Loni is playing volleyball again, Rebe resumes her basketball career and Kitty is in a new school and goes back to her lessons tickling the ivories.
I gave them the standard advice to stay away from the boys or I'll start digging more holes.
Bluey, never known for his footspeed, managed to double his lifetime triples total by going 6 for 6 with a trio of three baggers.
Now you can make the argument that his fat ass should have had three homeruns instead of triples, but nonetheless, quite the feat.
GM: Special Ed
Coach: Don Shula
The 2007 WashPa FFL had its' draft on Saturday, Aug 11. The inaugural Hail Mary squad was selected by former Crank Yanker, Special Ed, who secured the services of former Miami Dolphins coach, Don Shula only minutes after the draft ended. Las Vegas handicappers initiate the Hail Mary odds of a championship at 100-1.
The 2007 Hail Mary squad:
QBs: Phillip Rivers (SD), Jay Cutler (DEN)
RBs: Larry Johnson (KC), Brandon Jacobs (NYG), Adrian Peterson (MIN), Ladell Betts (WAS), Reuben Droughns (NYG)
WRs: Marvin Harrison (IND), Chad Johnson (CIN), TJ Houshmandzadeh (CIN), Jerricho Cotchery (NYJ), Wes Welker (NE), Anthony Gonzales (IND)
TE: Randy McMichael (STL)
DEF: New England Patriots
K: Olindo Mare (NE)
The cross I have to bear is Tay's insane need to reduce clutter on a never ending basis. Her house is very organized and ordered and you won't find too many nick-nacks (if any) collecting dust at her place. If you want to throw 2 slices of bread into the toaster or need a paper towel, you won't find them on the counter anywhere because they are neatly put away under the cupboards. She just doesn't believe in letting things lay around. Everything has its' place.
Now you're probably thinking to yourself, even Bluey surely isn't going to start complaining about a woman who keeps her house too clean, right?
Those of you who answered no, obviously don't know me too well.
You see, it's bad enough when I can't find a blessed thing in her kitchen. It may take me 10 years to figure out her system and where everthing is. I also can't find anything in my kitchen because she took it upon herself to reorganize it as well.
"Tay, where do I keep the (fill in the blank)?", is probably the most frequently uttered phrase in my own kitchen, so you can probably figure out that I'm so lost in hers.
But this past week, when I was cooking sausages in her stove, I hit my breaking point.
I was making what us Italians call "gravy", when I placed some sweet and hot italian sausages in a little garlic and olive oil in a pyrex dish. The plan was to bake the sausages in the oven and then add them to the gravy. So, I put the oven on 400* and ask Tay where she keeps the potholder. I grab the potholder out of the draw she points me to and place the sausages on the oven rack using the potholder. I go out to the porch to sit and relax while they are cooking.
Ten to fifteen minutes later the sausages need turned over, I return to the kitchen, open up the stove and ....voila!...the pot holder is gone.
"Where is the pot holder?"
"Oh...I put it away."
"Why did you do that? I'm still cooking."
"Sorry, here it is."
So, I pull the pyrex pan out, put down the potholder and start flipping the sausages. It takes me about 30 seconds to accomplish the task. I finish and I open the oven door again and reach for the pot holder.
It is gone again.
"Are you insane?"
"Where the hell is the potholder?"
"Oh, sorry, I put it away"
"Christ almighty. Are you purposefully trying to give me cancer? Can you just leave the damn potholder out while I'm cooking and put it away after dinner? Is that too much to ask?"
"I thought you were done with it"
"Would it kill you to just leave the damn thing out for an hour?"
So, I put the sausages in the oven again and after 10 minutes or so, they are done. The potholder is miraculously still there and I add the sausages to the gravy.
After dinner, I add the leftover sausages back to the pyrex dish to keep them warm in the oven. I tell Tay that I put the sausages back in the oven and that I would be taking them out in a few minutes.
A few minutes later, yep, you guessed it...the potholder is gone again.
I'm thinking to myself. I don't know whether to kiss her for being so cleanly or strangle her for being so incessantly OCD.
I'm still thinking about it.
I think I like my name better because it will be more suitable when the Steelers are getting ass-raped by the Miami Dolphins. I mean, look at him. He's sure got a purty mouth!
Wouldn't be much better if the team broke down and got body painted cheerleaders instead? Then the fans would start praying for rain and snow.
Can we assume that Mr. Steely McBeam is also unemployed like the rest of Pittsburgh's steelworkers? Rumor has it, he used to be a cage dancer at Pegasus.
Then, Bluey and his Pitt/SCM Piewizzards rampaged through the FHL, winning 6 fantasy hockey titles (4 of them consecutively) in 10 seasons (1996-2005).
Now as an encore, Bluey will tackle the Gridiron this year as his Hail Mary squad will take the field and look to continue it's fantasy success on a little patch of astroturf in Washington, PA.
Some of its' participants have already began trash talking Bluey's ability to unseat their former champions. Saying that the chance of that happening would be similar to that of an eighty yard hail mary pass with :01 seconds left in the 4th quarter. Thus the inspiration for the team name.
Bluey will be joined by Highmark as the two newest additions in a fantasy football league hosted by Tay's family members, Cali, B and Flav.
Let the punishment begin...
My sisters insisted that the Deer Park spring water was so much better than the tap water much to my Dad's chagrin. Other than being colder because it was kept in the fridge, I couldn't taste a difference. One day, when the Deer Park was running out, I had an idea. I filled up the Deer Park container with tap water and jokingly referred to it as "Hudson Park", born and purified out of the sewer that was New York's Hudson River.
My sisters continued to drink the "Hudson Park" without having any idea that they were drinking tap water. It wasn't until dinner one day, that they found out the truth after insisting that Deer Park's water had a better taste than the tap. I told them that I had been refilling the jug for weeks and that the water they had been enjoying was indeed "Hudson Park"! They were deflated and their argument blown out of the water, pun intended.
I guess my point is, paying for water is stupid unless you live in a third world country or have tainted well water. A story in today's news has Aquafina finally having to fully disclose that it's water source is not some distant cool mountain spring but the good old tap. Other brands also will now have to back off claims that their water is extracted from virgin glaciers in the arctic circle as well. It seems that many purified waters on the market share a common source, the tap.
So, stop being gullibulls like my sisters were and sit back, relax and enjoy the cool refreshment of a "Hudson Park", coming from the good folks at the local public water facility who have been turning your toilet and greywater into drinking water for 100 years!
The games were marked with lots of jovial ribbing and laughter. Participants, please feel free to add your stories to the comment section and I will include them in the body of this blog.
Game 1: Team Tay 14, Team Becky 11.
Team Stacey (Trimpdog, Timmee, Highmark, Meersky, Natey, Tay, Timamigo)
Team Becky (Choder, Hamdog, The Don, Rhino, Becky, B, Gunky, and Bluey)
Game 1 saw Team Tay race out to the early 5-0 lead after 3 innings only to enter the 7th inning with a 11-6 deficit. Team Tay scored 8 runs in their half of the 7th inning to take the lead and upset Team Becky by 3 runs.
Game 2: Team Tay 11, Team Becky 10.
Team Tay (Choder, Rhino, Tay, The Don, B, Gunky, Timamigo)
Team Becky (Timmee, Meersky, Hamdog, Natey, Becky, Trimpdog and Bluey)
Highmark caught as an injury prevented him playing on either side.
Game 2 saw Team Becky race out to an early 5-0 lead, lost it in the middle innings (5-5) and held a 10-5 lead until the 7th inning when Team Tay scored 6 runs in their half of the 7th inning to pin another heartbreaking comeback loss of 11-10 on Team Becky.
Both games were highly competitive and featured late rally victories.
Entertainment was provided by a KO HS female track team member who ran on the adjacent track in a skimpy t-shirt and short shorts. The highlight came when she decided to sit on the track 20 feet away from the field while facing us and proceeded to put on a clinic in flexibility. Rumor has it that Meersky has yet to stop drooling. He tawt he taw her ovaries!
The game marked the triumphant reurn of Hamdog from Columbus, who brought a friend, Rhino to join us. The Don brought his consiglierre, Natey and Timmee L. brought a buddy as well. Also in attendance was Tay's brother Gunky and her cousin B. The usual suspects rounded out the bunch. The game's were a blast and were immediately followed by a BBQ at Bluey's place.
The BBQ featured Highmark's wife and twin progeny, a surprise visit from Francois and his significant other from Redding, the Trimpdog boys, Bluey's gals, Choder's wife, The Don's wife Kay, and Tay's cousin LiLi and husband Cali.
Of course, as usual, the day went entirely too fast. Another softball event is in the plans for August. Thanks to everyone for coming and making the day a special one!
(contains no spoilers)
Aussie, Loni, Bebis, Kitty and I went to the midnight opening to pick up our copy of the last Harry Potter novel. We have two more copies being delivered this morning so that Loni, Aussie and I can read it simultaneously.
I've got a softball party/BBQ today, so after that is over, I'll pretty much go into radio silence mode until I finish the book.
Epilogue: Loni has finished the book at 11pm tonight. Although I told her not to say anything, she did give me an overall tone of the book.
I'm about halfway through the book after starting it Saturday night. I'm really bumming that this will be the last one, but realize that the ending of this book may not leave any other choice.
I should finish the book on Monday night.
After trips to the bowling alley, clothing and shoe stores, restaurants, movies, doctor's appointments, and countless other jaunts, I'm at my limit. Today, I had all four trying to talk me into going out to do their back to school shopping today. They pestered me for damn near two hours.
This has pretty much gone on all week. Every six minutes when one of them ask me for something, I respond in Ms. Veruca Salt's english accent, "I want an oompa-lumpa, daddy!!!!".
I'm usually a rock when it comes to denying the girl's requests for lip gloss, exfoliators, makeup, $6 shampoo and an assortment of crap they don't need, but I'm wearing down. Thank jesus I have company coming over tomorrow. I need a respite from the abuse.
"I want a cow that shits out Cadbury bars and shoots chocolate syrup out of its' milkers, daddy!!!!"
Maybe Al should have stopped globe trotting on his global warming speaking engagements and film making tours and stepped aside to do a little parenting over the past 7 years.
Even though this is his second such stop (he was pulled over doing 94 in one of the Carolinas) and that this time he was travelling with a personal stash of grass and five types of pills, I'm sure this will get pooh poohed by the local authorities and the mainstream media (except of course, the NY Post which lives for these stories). As long as the younger Gore keeps up his tree hugging ways, I'm sure he can do no wrong in Papa's eyes.
Next he'll be the reformed environmentalist and in thirty years the Democrats will push him for the presidency because we are a "nation of healing and understanding".
Way to go Junkie!
This past weekend my beloved NY Rangers signed the two best available free agent centers in one fell swoop. In the past, Glen Sather's free agent signings have made me cringe. Coming from tight purse-strings in Edmonton, he spent like a drunken sailor during his first few years in New York which prompted me to actively drum for his dismissal. Then over the next few years, much to my joy and many other Ranger fans annoyance, he traded for draft picks and let the rebuilding process begin. He finally let the rookies play as he started jettisoning big fat unproductive contracts. Only then did the Rangers find some grit and passion for playing a 60 minute game.
After the last productive 2 years, with more impact rookies on the horizon (namely defensemen Marc Staal and Bobby Sanguinetti), Sather finally dusted off the checkbook and not only did he sign marquee names, he signed two proven character guys who know how to win. The Rangers have suddenly become a team that players around the NHL respect and want to play for. Look at Brendan Shanahan. He could have played anywhere but accepted less money to play for the Rangers. We were starting to see a transformation in perception within and outside the team.
Make no mistake, Drury and Gomez were sold on playing together on the Rangers long before Sather pulled out his checkbook. The only reason the Rangers got either of them was because they both wanted to join a franchise on it's way towards the Stanley Cup.
Now whether the Rangers win a Cup in the next few years is debatable. But, what cannot be debated is that this is a team that is going to give other teams fits for 60 minutes every night.
Playing the Rangers is going to be a very unpleasant prospect for the rest of the NHL. They now have the goal scoring that is on par with just about anyone. They have Vezina level goaltending in Lundqvist and potentially another goaltender in the minors (Montoya), who may be just as good and they have a solid defensive core with the best players being under 25 years of age. They are a puck control team who are going to wear out other teams on many nights.
I've been preaching for patience and now is the time to grab for the ring. Sather's coup de grace in free agency will have a huge impact. Not only with the Gomez and Drury addition, but he subtracted them from two of the best eastern conference teams. Also, these guys are leaders and character guys. They play best when the game is on the line and should adeptly deal with the pressures of playing in New York. These guys wanted badly to be here. That's not something you usually get in free agents.
I'm ecstatic that Sather declined to offer 35 year old Michael Nylander a 4 year 20M contract. If you're going to spend 5M a year for a 35-39 year old forward, why not spend an extra couple of million and get players at the top of their game and in their prime?
That feeling I had when the Rangers got Mark Messier...I have that same feeling today. Sather still has some work to do but he's on the right path.
The haze of Alzheimer's has finally lifted from Sather. He finally "gets it". Thank You Jesus!