For my birthday last week, I received several "naughty and nice" coupons from Tay among other things. The coupon above is an example of the "nice" lot.
But, then I started wondering...
What exactly are these coupons worth? So, I decided to perform a little test to see if they were indeed worth the ink and paper they were printed on.
On saturday night, after Tay fell asleep and I was watching TV, I reached into the bureau and extracted a coupon. Then I gently shook her awake.
"Whhhaaatt? huh....what do you want ?
"I've got a coupon"
"What?"
"I've got a coupon"
"Are you kidding me? I'm asleep, leave me alone!"
"But, I've got a coupon (waving it her face). See?"
"Are you crazy, you woke me up for that? I'm tired, I'm going back to sleep!"
"But it was my birthday present. Won't you at least look at it? C'mon, turn on the light."
"I'm going back to sleep"
"Oh, I guess all these coupons are worthless then"
"Hrrrmmmph....okay (turning the light on), lemme see"
She looks at the coupon which calls for one passionate kiss. She honors the coupon and then rolls over and goes back to sleep.
We wake up the next morning.
"I could kill you for waking me up in the middle of the night with a coupon"
And then I proceeded to make my argument:
"You know why a US dollar has worth? Because it is backed by the full faith and credit of the United States government. No matter where I take a US dollar, I know that it will be honored and that I expect to get a certain value from the note. The only reason it is worth something other than the paper and ink that make it up, is that it is universally accepted anywhere you go, even in foreign countries."
"So, what's your point?"
"These Love coupons you gave me, don't exactly have any value except at the Bank of Tay. If they do not have the backing of the full faith and credit of Tay, they are worthless. Yesterday, I tried to redeem one and was very close to being unable to "cash" it."
"You woke me up in the middle of the night!"
"Do you know why sometimes there are runs on a bank because people don't think that their money is safe and want to withdraw it immediately? If enough people try to redeem their accounts at the bank at once, the bank would fail to have enough cash to pay out. Banks don't operate by holding all of their cash in the bank at once. Banks operate on a certain faith that your money is there when you need it. Well, last night, I felt like I had a stack of cash in the Bank of Tay and all of a sudden I realized that it was worthless because the bank may never be open. I had these coupons, but I would have a hard time redeeming them."
"It was the middle of the night!"
"The coupons don't have any time restrictions indicated on them"
"Well, I'm not going to honor them when I'm asleep."
"So, you're saying that the Bank of Tay has a schedule of hours?"
"Yes, when I'm awake...and when I feel like it"
"What!, when you FEEL like it?"
"Pretty much."
"You know how I feel now? I feel like I just went into the bank at 1:50 pm and filled out a withdrawal slip for $40 and stood in the teller's line. There are about 3 or 4 tellers mulling around in the back but none are at the window. So, I wait patiently, for about 5 minutes or so as they stand around the coffee pot and make chit chat. Finally, I get upset and scream, "Is anybody in this godforsaken place gonna fucking help me or what?", and then finally begrudgingly one of the tellers approaches the window with a fucking puss on and asks me what I want. "I'd like to withdraw $40 from my account", "Okay, I'll have to check with the branch manager", then after another 10-15 minutes, I finally get frustrated and yell, "Can someone please help me!". Finally, another teller comes to the window and slides the $40 under the glass and I say "It's about fucking time". Then as I make my way to the door, I open it and hear a hushed voice behind me saying "asshole". As soon as the door closes behind me, I hear the door latch and the sign on the door is switched to CLOSED. That's how I felt last night when I tried to redeem my coupon".
"You are being ridiculous"
"Am I? God forbid I got out the door and realized I needed another 20 bucks. I would have gotten a big "Fuck You" from the bank.
"Honestly!"
"I just want to know that the "currency" I have in my bureau is worth something, that's all. And if it's not, is it transferrable?"
"Transferrable?"
"Yes, if I took my coupons to another "bank" would they honor them and would they be allowed to honor them?"
"What do you mean?"
"If I found myself some mexican honey, say, named Odette. Would I be able to take my coupons and cash them in to the Bank of Odette? And given the exchange rate between the US dollar and the peso, could I expect 20-40% more "services" for my coupon?"
"That is definitely not allowed!"
"Well, then the Bank of Tay needs to stay competitive with other branches and be flexible with her hours. That's all I'm saying."
"What was I thinking when I gave you those coupons?"
"I don't know but I sure got alot of them. And they have no expiration dates."
"Good grief!, let me see those coupons! They're only good for a year"
"Nice try, no deal."
(My name is bluey, I've got a coupon, I've got a coupon shiny and new, I'm going to get me all sorts of "favors", that's what I'm going to do!)
5 comments:
I've always said the only institution with lousier hours than banks is the physical side of the institution of marriage. Good luck on cashing those in.
And if I were you, I'd print me up a shitload of counterfeit coupons and keep them handy :)
Bluey,
Sounds like the value of your love coupon is roughly the equivalent value of a Somali Shilling (1137 per US Dollar) or the Mongolian Tugrik (1164 per US Dollar)!
For all the pressure we get from them (and society) to get the "perfect gift" women are traditionally the worst gift givers out there. My lovely and otherwise wonderful wife is a prime example. 2 years ago for Christmas she got me an IPOD nano. What's wrong with that you ask? The next day, before I had a chance to start downloading tunes, she had already downloaded her own songs on it and when you turn it on it says "Kate's IPOD!!!" That's right, she stole my f'ing gift!!!!
Ah shit Bluey, I'm in tears from laughing so hard. The sad thing is, its the damned truth. My wife made up a little note card and wrote "1 Free Massage" on it. Much like in your case, no expiration date, no clarification on the "type" of massage, nothing. I tried cashing it in for an oral massage and got slapped. Where's the justice! Christ, I'm still laughing!
(how's this for irony...my word verification for my comment is as follows isukm.
FYI - This story is not embellished what so ever. Let me just say that this did take place at about midnight & I was indeed sound asleep. I was awakened to the sound of this coupon flapping in my ear & Bluey poking me in the ribs. When I made it clear that I wasn't getting up, he began beating me in the forehead with the coupon, demanding that I "redeem" it immediately.
(Let me stop right there & ask what man on earth could even get away with that much with out getting slapped?)
I wake up, read the coupon & honor it.
That really should have been the end of the whole thing. But you know Bluey...that was just the begining for me.
The next morning I indured what seemed like an endless morning of lectures on the worth of a US dollar, full faith & credit lending, bank hours, Peso's, exchange rates, & more than I cared to hear about how willing Mexican woman are to do the work that American woman won't.
By the time it was all over, I had third degree ear cancer & an awareness of Bluey's Mexican side squeeze, Odette.
So, in closing I just want to say that I am now ready for my ear beating from my fellow wives & girlfriends about my temporary lapse in judgement in giving such a gift. I'm certainly living to regret it & it has only been a week.
God have mercy on my soul!
Tay
Never afraid to say "I told you so", I did tell you he was the wrong type of man to give that kind of gift (I mean power) to. LiLi
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