Ferrandez: I'm In Love With My Glove!

Last night I played catch in bed and slept with her.

No, not Tay. I'm talking about my new softball glove.
She's a Mizuno Envy and I'm doing my best to break her in just right. She's soft and lacy with nice curves and a deep enough pocket to tuck two balls in.

She's also got that new glove smell that I never had growing up in a small village outside Mexicali, Mejico.

You see, we were too poor to afford gloves, so we used pieces of cardboard or whatever we could get our hands on to soften the sting of the ball.

I remember my first glove came from a case of Trojan Magnums. My eighteen siblings and I cut up the cardboard box and made about a dozen ball gloves out of it. My piece of cardboard served me well as over the past twenty years as it was perfectly molded to my palm.

Now, I'm still only 14 years old according to my birth certificate and still have aspirations to get that 4 year 62M contract from an Alzheimer's ridden George Steinbrenner. But, now I have a new glove. And I appreciate her more than others because it took me many years of picking various fruits and vegetables alongside my pal Supermonkey, to be able to afford such a luxury.

I think Tay is jealous of her, so I hide her. But every Sunday now, I'll be showing her off as she'll be flashing leather for all to see. Sweet!

Kennywood's Open!

Happy 10th Birthday shout to my daughter, Kitty!

We celebrated with a day at Kennywood and as always, had a load of fun. Tay, Aussie, Loni, Bebis and I rang in Kitty's birthday with a surprise trip to the amusement park this morning.

By the way, Kennywood's new alien ride, Cosmic Chaos, got a big thumbs down from the girls, who said it was actually pretty painful to ride.

As Granpa says, "Real junk!"

Leaves of Three, Doodlebee!

That's the permutation of the "leaves of three, let it be" quotation that I taught my girls in an effort to keep them away from poison ivy.

For about 12+ years I've managed to stay away from any major outbreak of my arch-nemesis. I certainly didn't get it by going in the woods. My guess is I got it from the dogs, which I'd argue is where most people get it.

Today, I am defeated as my right arm has become a casualty of war. It's so bad I had to cancel the Softball/BBQ event at my place this weekend. Major bummer.

Put Poison Ivy on top of the list of things that give me cancer.

Full Faith and Credit

For my birthday last week, I received several "naughty and nice" coupons from Tay among other things. The coupon above is an example of the "nice" lot.

But, then I started wondering...

What exactly are these coupons worth? So, I decided to perform a little test to see if they were indeed worth the ink and paper they were printed on.

On saturday night, after Tay fell asleep and I was watching TV, I reached into the bureau and extracted a coupon. Then I gently shook her awake.

"Whhhaaatt? huh....what do you want ?

"I've got a coupon"

"What?"

"I've got a coupon"

"Are you kidding me? I'm asleep, leave me alone!"

"But, I've got a coupon (waving it her face). See?"

"Are you crazy, you woke me up for that? I'm tired, I'm going back to sleep!"

"But it was my birthday present. Won't you at least look at it? C'mon, turn on the light."

"I'm going back to sleep"

"Oh, I guess all these coupons are worthless then"

"Hrrrmmmph....okay (turning the light on), lemme see"

She looks at the coupon which calls for one passionate kiss. She honors the coupon and then rolls over and goes back to sleep.

We wake up the next morning.

"I could kill you for waking me up in the middle of the night with a coupon"

And then I proceeded to make my argument:

"You know why a US dollar has worth? Because it is backed by the full faith and credit of the United States government. No matter where I take a US dollar, I know that it will be honored and that I expect to get a certain value from the note. The only reason it is worth something other than the paper and ink that make it up, is that it is universally accepted anywhere you go, even in foreign countries."

"So, what's your point?"

"These Love coupons you gave me, don't exactly have any value except at the Bank of Tay. If they do not have the backing of the full faith and credit of Tay, they are worthless. Yesterday, I tried to redeem one and was very close to being unable to "cash" it."

"You woke me up in the middle of the night!"

"Do you know why sometimes there are runs on a bank because people don't think that their money is safe and want to withdraw it immediately? If enough people try to redeem their accounts at the bank at once, the bank would fail to have enough cash to pay out. Banks don't operate by holding all of their cash in the bank at once. Banks operate on a certain faith that your money is there when you need it. Well, last night, I felt like I had a stack of cash in the Bank of Tay and all of a sudden I realized that it was worthless because the bank may never be open. I had these coupons, but I would have a hard time redeeming them."

"It was the middle of the night!"

"The coupons don't have any time restrictions indicated on them"

"Well, I'm not going to honor them when I'm asleep."

"So, you're saying that the Bank of Tay has a schedule of hours?"

"Yes, when I'm awake...and when I feel like it"

"What!, when you FEEL like it?"

"Pretty much."

"You know how I feel now? I feel like I just went into the bank at 1:50 pm and filled out a withdrawal slip for $40 and stood in the teller's line. There are about 3 or 4 tellers mulling around in the back but none are at the window. So, I wait patiently, for about 5 minutes or so as they stand around the coffee pot and make chit chat. Finally, I get upset and scream, "Is anybody in this godforsaken place gonna fucking help me or what?", and then finally begrudgingly one of the tellers approaches the window with a fucking puss on and asks me what I want. "I'd like to withdraw $40 from my account", "Okay, I'll have to check with the branch manager", then after another 10-15 minutes, I finally get frustrated and yell, "Can someone please help me!". Finally, another teller comes to the window and slides the $40 under the glass and I say "It's about fucking time". Then as I make my way to the door, I open it and hear a hushed voice behind me saying "asshole". As soon as the door closes behind me, I hear the door latch and the sign on the door is switched to CLOSED. That's how I felt last night when I tried to redeem my coupon".

"You are being ridiculous"

"Am I? God forbid I got out the door and realized I needed another 20 bucks. I would have gotten a big "Fuck You" from the bank.

"Honestly!"

"I just want to know that the "currency" I have in my bureau is worth something, that's all. And if it's not, is it transferrable?"

"Transferrable?"

"Yes, if I took my coupons to another "bank" would they honor them and would they be allowed to honor them?"

"What do you mean?"

"If I found myself some mexican honey, say, named Odette. Would I be able to take my coupons and cash them in to the Bank of Odette? And given the exchange rate between the US dollar and the peso, could I expect 20-40% more "services" for my coupon?"

"That is definitely not allowed!"

"Well, then the Bank of Tay needs to stay competitive with other branches and be flexible with her hours. That's all I'm saying."

"What was I thinking when I gave you those coupons?"

"I don't know but I sure got alot of them. And they have no expiration dates."

"Good grief!, let me see those coupons! They're only good for a year"

"Nice try, no deal."

(My name is bluey, I've got a coupon, I've got a coupon shiny and new, I'm going to get me all sorts of "favors", that's what I'm going to do!)

Fatties Rejoice!

Finally! No more chunking out while binge drinking good ol' H2O. Now I can pound down my 8 glasses of water a day without developing cottage cheese ass and blubber flaps. Science finally has a breakthrough that will allow us all to look like Kate Moss as early as this summer.

So drink up and let's all be thin for a change. Now that we don't have to worry about the water weight, scientists can concentrate on making the fat-free pizza and lo-cal fried cheesesticks!

It's truly amazing what morons will buy. Props to Long/Short Capital for bringing this photo to my attention.

The Last Thing I Want To Do Is Start A Race Discussion But...

from ESPN.com, an article quoting Gary Sheffield:

The percentage of African-Americans playing Major League Baseball is at an all-time low and Gary Sheffield says he has a theory why that's the case.

In an interview with GQ magazine that's currently on newsstands, the typically outspoken Tigers designated hitter said Latin players have replaced African-Americans as baseball's most prevalent minority because they are easier to control.

"I called it years ago. What I called is that you're going to see more black faces, but there ain't no English going to be coming out. … [It's about] being able to tell [Latin players] what to do -- being able to control them," he told the magazine.

"Where I'm from, you can't control us. You might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit, but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is. And that's a person that you're going to talk to with respect, you're going to talk to like a man.

"These are the things my race demands. So, if you're equally good as this Latin player, guess who's going to get sent home? I know a lot of players that are home now can outplay a lot of these guys."

According to a 2005 report by the University of Central Florida Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sport, only 8.5 percent of major leaguers were African-American -- the lowest percentage since the report was initiated in the mid-1980s. By contrast, whites comprised 59.5 percent of the majors' player pool, Latinos 28.7 percent and Asians 2.5.


Wow. You would think that when someone is paying you $10M, that they would retain "control" of your professional life. Expect you to conform to the companies' policies and conduct yourself in a manner consistent with the company's goals. Especially, on a baseball team where you are expected to follow the strategies of the coaches to the letter in order to win in a team sport. Obviously, you would have the freedom to turn down the $10M contract.

I won't say that Gary speaks for more than a very small percentage of African-Americans, but these comments speak volumes to an "attitude problem against any authority" in this segment of the population. My personal belief is that this perceived "Uncle Tom Syndrome" is what is really holding back some African-Americans. Being able to mesh with those around us is what makes us successful as a country as well as on an individual level. Looking down upon those who have accepted this notion and having achievied personal success is pathetic.

Life is a team sport, Gary. Your brand of racism is offensive to me and I'm sure the Latin players will have much to say on this topic in the coming days.

What a jackass.

Buccos Win!

Well, some of us go to Pirates games even as they sport their losing record. Sure, I'm not a Pirates fans and I didn't pay for the tickets but Tay, Aussie, Loni, Bebis, Kitty and I enjoyed a nice night out at the ballyard with LiLi and Cal. The weather was beautiful for a night out on the town with overcast skies and a cool breeze. The Pirates won 3-1 over the LA Dodgers.




We got enough Adam LaRoche bobbleheads (8, and courtesy of LaRoche College, which I thought was hilarious) to make $3.47 total on Ebay! What genius in the Pirate organization decides to have a bobblehead night for a new player that only recently started hitting over the Mendoza line?



Okay, okay, what you guys really want to know and what I'm here to report: Hannah won the great pierogi race on Saturday as the Pirate Parrot kept Chester away from the finish line in a dastardly show of interference. Bud Selig, has yet to review and rule on the outcome nor has he indicated if the Parrot would be disciplined by MLB.

Raise the Jolly Roger!

War Is Hell!

An excerpt from today's Wall Street Journal for any interested parties:

One of the first to arrive in the area was Jeff Best, a general manager hired to help head up operations. Mr. Best is a fifth-generation Phelps employee with a background in the military, including experience as a platoon sergeant for a machine-gun unit in the first Gulf War.

Give em' hell Jeffy!

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

An Update to the Josh Hancock story:

Apparently St. Louis Cardinals deceased pitcher, Josh Hancock, wasn't the only asshole in his family. His Dad now has filed a lawsuit against the restaurant that served Josh drinks, the tow truck company, who's flatbed Josh hit and the poor soul who's broken down car was responsible for the tow truck being there in the first place.

What a Grade A jackass. It's really no wonder why Josh was an alcoholic. Obviously, Daddy only looked at him as a frigging meal ticket. And here is Daddy's last chance to raid the gravy train. How pathetic.

Raise The Jolly Roger!

I have a buddy, who shall remain nameless unless he chooses to come forward, who is a Pittsbugh Pirates fan only when the team is over a .500 winning percentage. Well, he didn't exactly put it that way, he said that he wouldn't entertain paying to go to a Pirate game unless said prior condition was met by the franchise.

Granted, the Pirates suck, McClatchey and Littlefield are retards and the Nutting family is only interested in turning a profit with the team. But as a lifelong NY Mets fan, I've suffered through far worse than any Pirate fan can imagine. Between 1974 and 1985, the Mets had some geniunely horrible seasons. I have little or no memories of 1969 of 1973. But as bad as the Mets were, I still went to the games and cheered them on. They were basically lovable losers. I guess a team can only be that when enough fans really care about the team. Let's face it, Pittsburgh is a Steeler town and only have baseball and hockey fans when the winning bandwagon comes around.

But, one thing struck me today as I was looking a the baseball standings and because of it, maybe my friend's .500 rule should be ammended.

The Pirates and their 40M payroll at 22-28 are now a half game better than the 21-28, 220M and growing NY Yankee payroll. So, the Pirates are getting more production than the Yankess at a 180M discount. Shouldn't that be cause to make an exception to the rule?

Yankees suck!!!!! Gooooooo Mets!!!!

Misguided Yenta: Will Work For Food!

I'm really going to try my best, not to dump too much on someone who lost a son in the War on Terror because that would do a tremendous disrespect for Spc Casey Sheehan, who died in service to our country.

After years of stalking George W. Bush in some sort of wacky goal of creating a purpose in her son's death (as if it wasn't already full of purpose), she basically did just the opposite. She alienated her friends and family, did her best to tarnish her son's image as a patriot, ran herself into tremendous debt trying to keep herself in the spotlight, and finally losing just about everything, including her husband.

It's perfectly normal to aggregiously grieve over a son's death. I cannot fault her for that. I also have no problem with her being against the war. That's her own choice and belief of what is right. Again, no problem.

But when she chose to use her son's death to actively put her face in the media to promote her own ideas, that's where a line is drawn. Who knows what her deceased son, Pfc Casey Sheehan really believed. All I know is that if it was me who died, I'd be mortified to know that my mother pulled such stunts to promote her own ideas. I think that is wrong. Unfortunately, this will be Casey Sheehan's legacy. Someone who didn't believe in the war and was a victim of his own government.

Is that true? I don't know. Nobody does. But that's not the legacy I'd want left behind for me.

Thanks Mom. Thanks a lot.

I'm Not Only A Blood Doper...!

I'm also a blackmailing son of a bitch!

Yeah, I'll blame it on my manager, but when push comes to shove, I wanted the whole world to know that Greg LeMond got his package fondled when he was a little boy.

My name is Floyd Landis and I am a fucking cheater and a horrible human being, not to mention a jackass.

Isn't it about time we dismantle professional cycling once and for all? It's filled with the most dishonest and lecherous human beings. Mr. Landis is merely the posterboy for the rest of them.

New York Post Misses The Boat!

Is anybody really shocked to hear that Lindsay Lohan was videotaped snorting cocaine?

A real shocker would be "Lohan Spotted In Church" or "Lohan Sober on a Friday Night!"

I'm also not shocked that Paris Hilton was sentenced to a month and a half of jail time for drunk driving. But, I would be shocked if she actually serves any time. If she does, I'm sure it will be under the watchful eye of "The Simple Life: Penitentiary Days" producers. And millions of idiots will watch it every week.

And because I can't resist, "Brittany is an Adequate Mother", would be another shocker.

I can't believe the retarded lemmings of society actually worship and follow the lives of these three jackasses. The NY Post also needs to re-evaluate what falls into the category of "shocking".

"Lindsay, Paris and Brittany Dead!"...nope...that wouldn't be shocking either. I'd lay money on one of these three tards being dead in the next five years. What a loss!

Thank You Jesus For Sparing The Rest Of Us!

So, not only was St. Louis Cardinals pitcher, Josh Hancock, legally drunk x2 (.157 BAL), smoking pot (a marijuana pipe and about 7 grams of weed were found in his rental), and had previously totalled his vehicle a few days prior, he also was talking on his cellphone at the time of his accident! I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was changing his pants and wolfing down a Big Mac as well.

He basically drove into a stopped flatbed truck from what I understand.

Can anybody possibly feel bad that he's pushing up daisies? Fertilizer and worm food are probably the most productive uses for this waste of flesh. I can only thank god that this human time bomb didn't take anybody else with him.

Good Riddance Jackass! (You've just experienced another Bluey obituary!)

Those Slippery Rock Bred Educators Have Infiltrated My Alma Mater!

It seems that one of those SRU grads got placed in my old school. Read the following Fox News report:

New York City Educator Gets 'F' in English After Poorly Written Note is Sent to Parents
Thursday, May 03, 2007

A New York City educator is in hot water after sending out a scathing note to parents riddled with spelling and grammatical errors.

Michael Levy, a health academy dean at Markham Intermediate School in Staten Island, N.Y., sent home the letter to around 100 eighth graders on Monday after a rowdy food fight in the cafeteria, the Staten Island Advance reported.

In the letter, Levy used "unexcecpable" for "unacceptable," "activates" for "activities" and "caferteria" for "cafeteria."

The letter was also filled with contradictions. Levy wrote that the students would be collectively punished and prohibited from attending the prom and the year-end class trip, according to the Advance. He then wrote that the students' punishments would be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.

The note also promised to bar students from the prom if the letter was not signed by parents and returned to the school.

The school's principal, Emma Della Rocca, said the letter was unauthorized and that Levy would be evaluated at a conference on Friday. But parents are still scratching their heads over the error-filled note.

"I'd be worried that somebody was educating my son that doesn't know how to spell," Lucy Farfan-Narcisse, a parent whose child attends the school, told WCBS-TV. "That would be a great concern."

Dems Fail To Inspire

Well, it's been well over 100 days and besides the Democrats producing nary a viable candidate for the presidency, I think they have still failed to come up with any viable solutions to any of America's other issues, both foreign or domestic.

They have succeeded in wasting taxpayer's money in passing a troops funding bill that had no chance of becoming law.

In my eyes, that's one costly statement and I'm mad as hell that no one else seems to be upset by this.

The Democrats have blown much smoke and have accomplished nothing except giving Al Qaeda hope of an American prescribed and timed pullout of the Middle East.

And to top it off, we get Democratic presidential hopefuls with no chance of winning. Hillary (too divisive), Obama (way too inexperienced but has Oprah's support!) and Edwards (who I liked last go around until he's decided to take all crazy positions to broaden his appeal).

Is this the best the Democrats have? I honestly cannot believe that. Isn't there one centrist with a little common sense that would garner appeal from at least a small percentage of Republican voters? 2008 should be a Democrat grand-slam, but the party still seems to confused over what it wants to be.

At this point, I'm in John McCain's corner. He has clearly shown an ability over the past decade to be able to work with both parties effectively. The only question now is if the Republicans are smart enough to embrace someone who has not always towed the party line.

As for Nancy Pelosi, she has been so ineffective to this point that she should step down as Speaker of the House. As I predicted, she has been incredibly divisive and does nothing but polarize the House, making it incapable of any bipartisan agreement.

I'm not impressed. Somebody convince me already that there is hope from the Dems.

Magic In The Making?

Nobody gave the NY Rangers much of a chance to beat the Buffalo Sabres in Round 2 of the Eastern Conference playoffs. Admittedly, after going down two games to none in Buffalo, I was even starting to downgrade my expectations.

Then something magical happened. The Rangers started to figure Buffalo out. Their neutral zone play and relentless forechecking is starting to wear on Buffalo's young talented forwards. If Buffalo had a stud puck moving offensive defenseman, the Ranger gameplan probably wouldn't work, but without time to skate with the puck, the Buffalo forwards are turning the puck over with alarming frequency. This leaves time of puck control decidedly in the Rangers' favor.

Now, I don't know if the Rangers will advance past Buffalo. This series has the makings of a 7 game grindfest. But, unless Buffalo figures out a way to come with speed through the neutral zone into the offensive zone (which they did a few times in the last 10 minutes of Game 4), they are in danger of getting bounced.

And if there is a better goaltender than Henrik Lundquist in the NHL right now, I certainly don't see it. Henrik is absolute money between the pipes.

Lets go Rangers!!!

2007 Spring Pilgrimage

Attendees:

Meersky, Griffin, Tracer, Irish, Gavo, Hamdog, Poppinfresh, Erie, Cupcake, Sparrow, Bluey, Trimpdog, Choder, Ace, and Felatio.

We had some of the nastiest weather for the Spring Pilgrimage as it was rainy and cold and all the fields were pools of mud soup. The only outdoor activity consisted of Griffin, Ace, Sparrow, Poppinfresh and Cupcake braving the elements for a few games of Frisbee golf, which Griffin and Ace won. Cupcake provided the shot of the day in Game One with a long throw that hit the chains but just missed the basket.

Horatio Kiper was in charge of the NFL draft board and kept us up to date on team selections. Bluey's Rangers dropped a pair to the Buffalo Sabres as Erie taunted him all week. Axis and Allies, Munchkin, and Texas Hold'em kept the boys busy. Irish's Germany was able to hold off Griffin (Monty) and Felatio (Patton) in A&A. Ace prevailed in the Stones tournament and Griffin and Irish won the Texas Hold'em games.

Griffin, as usual, kept the troops strong with 3 excellent meals and late night spooning. Meersky had the quote of the weekend with "Sucking cock isn't rocket science". He made a quick save by explaining that servicing a woman is a real talent requiring much more effort and skill. We found out which girls were really skilled enough to be waitressess on the most ridiculous reality show ever recruiting girls for Coyote Ugly bars. Bluey pulled a two-fer making both Ace and Sparrow snarf beer out their noses in separate incidents before getting a "Good Night Choder" for his midnight bedtime.

Playoff hockey and movies also made the weather more palatible. Hobbling around on a broken foot did not cost me any problems as the Sugar Hill Invitational, VBP Horseshoes and the Genius-Tard Softball Classic were all cancelled.

All in all, an enjoyable weekend despite the crappy weather. Please feel free to add your favorite memories in the comments section. I'm sure I missed quite a bit gimping around.

Why Is This Bluey's Favorite Commercial?

I love the Geico Cavemen themed commercials, but my favorite one is the airport commercial.

Maybe I am a racist and the only reason I like this commercial because it is the only politically correct way to express my racism, by acceptably picking on an extinct group of people.

Maybe I just love the Royksopp "Remind Me" jingle.

Maybe it's that goofy bowling shirt and old antique wooden tennis racket that he's carrying.

Maybe it's the utter disgust on his face upon seeing the poster insinuating that he and his cavemen brethren are a bunch of mindless drooling idiots.

While I don't exactly know why I laugh at it, I'm more apt to believe that people in general like to laugh at grossly generalized stereotypes of other groups of people.

Kinda like people referring me to as a filthy greasy spaghetti eating wop.

What does that say about human nature in general? I don't know exactly but what I do know is that I can't stop watching this commercial.

Are You Strong Enough To Shake My Hand?

Sheryl Crow has given nasty creedence to the Seinfeld line, "I don't have a square to spare".

Sheryl surmises that a brilliant idea to curb global warming includes limiting your use of toilet paper to one square after taking a dump. Although she did add the caveat that sometimes 2 or 3 squares could possibly be necessary in times of digestive distress. How mighty white of her.

Is she fucking kidding me? Last I checked, it was in Georgia Pacific and other companies best interests to replant their natural resources to insure having a prosperous future in the paper business. Sheryl makes some crazy argument that somehow deforestation is occurring due to us excessively wiping our asses.

In this world where the irresponsible use of paper products is rampant, is this necessarily the place to cut our paper use?

Do you really want those folks at the Jack-In-The-Box making hamburgers after using their mandated one square in the bathroom? Will people ever really shake hands again? It's always amazed me to see how many people leave the bathroom without washing their hands. Will this number decrease after decreasing their toilet paper supply? I wouldn't take that bet. Do we really want to go back to the unsanitary, diseased cholera days of yesteryear to curb global warming?

It's no wonder Lance Armstrong left her filthy ass.

Sheryl, do us a favor, shut the brain off and spare us of your "ideas" and stick to what you do best, obviously better than all the rest of us...wiping your ass. And for the love of God, please wash your hands before you sign autographs...yuch!