Introducing the "You're Giving Me Cancer" T-Shirt!

I talked with my sister, Vicki, tonight and she assures me that she is the original author of this saying. She firmly believes that stress is the main cause of cancer, hence the phrase (that is mainly uttered towards her two sons).

So, I finally broke down and designed a simple shirt on Zazzle for myself and ordered one. If anyone else is interested, feel free to order one or customize it to your liking. Since I use this saying twenty times a day now, it seemed fitting that I make a shirt. I put the website link to the blog on the back of my shirt, but the shirt is cheaper without it. Feel free to leave the back blank or add your own message.

Zazzle also offered a design for a coffee cup with the same message with a "bluey" interior. Unfortunately, I don't drink coffee.

Any royalties or proceeds from Zazzle will be split between my sister and the American Cancer Society. Enjoy!

http://www.zazzle.com/docbluey

"Why Is Everybody So Fucking Stupid!"

Kim Jong Il said it best in Trey Parker/Matt Stone's Team America: World Police.

What does it take to do a little sabre rattling to put this "asshole" into place? It's good to see Japan growing some gonads and finally putting it's "Flower Power US written constitution" to the test and to start considering pre-emptive strikes on North Korean missle batteries. All the US would have to do is to nudge Japan into re-militarizing, and North Korea and China would both be quaking in their boots.

China should seriously consider joining the Film Actors Guild (F.A.G., oops, I think I just joined Ozzie Guillen in making insensitive homosexual remarks) for their pansy ass stance on North Korea. Nothing like letting global politics getting in the way of doing the right thing.

I think I saw an EW article about actor, Arec Barwdwin, hopping a plane to Pyongyang to aid peace efforts. C'mon China, vote for the sanctions and make Kim Jong Il a little more "ronery".

And don't forget to run out and watch one hell of a funny movie, Team America: World Police. It is a goldmine of funny lines.

"Derka, derka islamic jihad derka."

and I'll leave you with my favorite nuggets from the deleted scenes...

[Deleted Scene] Spottswoode: Team, this is all my fault. I was overzealous in Cairo. I let racism cloud my judgment. I was so sure the ultimate terrorist was Middle Eastern, but I didn't realize he was a goddamn Gook. I'll never be a racist again.

[Deleted Scene] Gary Johnston: I'm leaving. I'm out.
Spottswoode: No, Gary! You can't leave! We need you now, more than ever!
Gary Johnston: Don't you see what's going on out there? Everyone hates us!
Spottswoode: Hey, now, everyone hated Winnie the Pooh, too.
Gary Johnston: No, they didn't!
Spottswoode: Well, I did. That cocksucking bear killed Jack Kennedy!

Missed The Fireworks? Stay Away From The Bright Light!

I don't know about the rest of you, but my Fourth of July evening consisted of pretty much a downpour of rain. Tay and I decided to go see her local fireworks display that was slated to begin at 10 pm. We drove down and parked for a few minutes before we started wondering if they could even shoot off the fireworks in such miserable weather. But, neither of us could remember ever seeing 4th of July fireworks cancelled either.


We noticed that there were a few other parked cars, so we sidled up to one and rolled down our window. It was a cute older couple, probably in their 70's. We asked about the fireworks and they told us that they were there for the show as well but that they heard that the fireworks were not to begin until after the local minor league baseball game.


We drove back to our spot, and after a few minutes I say to Tay, "There's no chance in hell, anybody is playing baseball in this downpour. I don't think the shrivs know what's going on.
Lets go get slushies and come back and wait".



So we get slushies and come back to our spot, open up the back of the vehicle and sit in the back and drink our slushies. After about 20-30 minutes, a car stops and indicates that the ballfield, that sits atop a hill, is deserted and that they just turned off all the lights. I guess we're not going to see a fireworks show after all. I turn towards the car with the elderly couple and then I turn to Tay and utter the following sentence.


"I guess we should go over there and tell them that they're going to have to stay alive another year if they want to see fireworks."


Tay laughs but is horrified.


"I guess that statement pretty much earns my ticket to hell, if I didn't already have one".



"I don't think that you're going to hell. I think that you'll go to heaven but you won't have all the priveledges that other people will have in heaven", Tay reassures.


And then I could picture the scene up in heaven at the pearly gates...


"Okay, I'm here and I'm ready for my wings, Saint Peter".


Jesus himself vaporizes out of thin air next to Saint Peter.


"Are you fucking kidding me?"


"What? Jesus, I didn't know that you cursed".


"Are you fucking kidding me?", he repeats. "You've got some gall showing up at these gates and expecting to get into heaven".


"What?...I was a pretty good person and a great father. Doesn't that count for anything?"


"Do you recall this scene? (and we are taken back to the scene where I just told Tay about the shrivs planning on living another year in order to see fireworks) Your life is chock full of scenes and your insensitive remarks to others."


"C'mon Jesus, I was just having a little fun"


"You see those goddamn escalators that go down? Get your fat ass on them and take a trip where you belong. I can't fucking believe that you had the nerve to show up here. I'm sure they got a gold plated parking space with your name on it, right in the front next to the crip spaces".


"The crip spaces!...pretty funny, Jesus!"


"Okay, okay...pretend I sent you to the escalator and come around to the back gates in about 15 minutes. But don't think that you're getting all the priviledges"


"Okay, I'll only bang the skanky angels. Thanks, Jesus...you the man!


"Sweet Salavation!

Todos En La Familia

By now, everyone is aware of the story in which Chicago White Sox manager, Ozzie Guillen, calls a news reporter a "fag". What made me laugh was Ozzie initial explanation of the comment. He stated that there was a language barrier and that by calling the reporter a "fag", he wasn't calling him a homosexual but merely stating that the reporter lacked manliness. Duh...isn't that what most guys mean when they call another guy a "fag"?



Ozzie said that in his native country of Venezuela, calling a man a "fag" or its' equivalent would only be used to make a point to imply that the reporter should "act like a man" and that the term "fag" was somehow not necessarily a derogatory term for homosexual. The White Sox manager was only challenging the reporter to act like a man.



And for 12 hours, the media seemed to give Ozzie the benefit of the doubt. For a second there, I thought that Ozzie was going to get away with it and I was shocked. I was already starting to scribble in my notepad, "note to self: when making future racial or sexually derogatory remarks, claim to be of South American descent, and blame the language barrier for the blatant mis-understanding. Kind of like a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card.



And then, people got wise and Ozzie got slammed. You just can't blame him for trying I guess.
Maybe, Ozzie has just chosen the wrong career. Maybe the Sox skipper should sign a side deal with Univision to do a remake of a certain classic 70's TV show. It could be called "Todos En La Familia" and he can play a character called Archuro Bunker who sits in his house and insults everyone who walks in the door with a cadre of ethnic, gender and sexual slurs. To add to the zaniness, he can have a live-in son-in-law, who he could constantly refer to as "cabeza de carne". I'm sure he'll be slipping in a few "fags" here and there since that term doesn't seem to offend homosexuals of hispanic descent. Univision is sure to have a hit on their hands.



Lastly, Ozzie is insisting that he refuses to take "sensitivity classes" mandated by MLB, because he would first have to take English classes for the material to be meaningful to him. That kind of implies that it's only possible to be offensive if your native language is english. Something, many of us have suspected for about two decades.



I love Ozzie and I love his brashness and complete honesty, but how about swallowing a dose of common sense and just bite the bullet. Just think of the mileage that Univision could get out of Archuro Bunker in sensitivity training classes in the pilot episode of "Todos En La Familia"!



Who is the Venezuelan Mel Brooks? We'd insist on him directing.

Charles E. Cheese!

Just wanted to give a quick Happy Birthday shout out to my youngest daughter, Kitty. She turned 9 today. We have a visit with a certain oversized rodent coming up to celebrate the event.

And yes, I got her an Ipod shuffle for her birthday as well. Better get started digging that third hole just in case she gets snuffed by Charles E., otherwise known as Chuckie Cheese, for her Ipod.

Holy Cow! The World Just Turned Upside Down!

The conservative religious right chicks makes an argument for choice while the liberal left NOW chicks argue against it? Unbelievable. Who would have thought?

And all it took was a new vaccine, Gardasil, for the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) to expose the hypocrisy in both extreme political points of view.

You just can't buy entertainment like this.

The back story: HPV is a virus similar to the Herpes simplex virus that produces cold sores. Most sexually active people have the virus but it usually lies dormant in the body. It is thought to be the major contributor to cervical cancer. Now there is a vaccine for HPV. The only problem is that most sexually active adults already have been exposed to HPV. So, for the vaccine to work, the thought is to vaccinate underage girls to protect them from contracting HPV thereby eliminating the risk of a future HPV/cervical cancer link. The thought is to vaccinate 12 year old girls for a disease that is only transmitted sexually. Of course, this has thrown both political sides into an uproar and in a mad dash to take opposite positions, both liberal and conservative women have exposed their true hypocrisies and prove that it is always better to think things through independently to achieve rational solutions. These groups have been polar opposite so long, they've forgotten to let the old noodle do some work.

The liberal women initially wanted the vaccine to be mandatory in order to protect all women from HPV causing cervical cancer.

The conservative women stated that vaccinating girls against a sexually transmitted disease was morally wrong since abstinence should be stressed.

In other words, The conservatives were arguing for "choice" while the liberals were arguing against it. Liberals were arguing that preaching abstinence was folly and that the vaccine should be mandatory, leaving a nation of 12 year olds, capable of choosing an abortion but not the choice of whether they wanted the HPV vaccine or not. HPV has been linked to cervical cancer causation but in no way has been irrefutably proven to actually cause it. Conservatives were so hung up on the moral question, that they felt that immunizing girls for HPV was going to give them a license to go out and become sexually active under the pretense of the vaccine's protection.

I could just see the dialogue between a 12 year old girl and boy.

"I just got back from the doctors office, Billy. They immunized me for some sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer of the cervix."

"What's a cervix?", asks Billy.

"Hell if I know. Want to fuck?"

"Sure Sally."

Unfortunately, what conservatives forgot is that everyone eventually becomes sexually active. If 75% of the population has been exposed to HPV, women better make sure that their future husbands are virgins in order to prevent infection.

Liberals seem to miss the fact that if 75% of women are exposed to HPV, why then do only a very small percentage get cervical cancer. And of these cases, how many are fatal? Does this warrant mass immunization and a preclusion of basic rights, which normally they claim is their first priority?

Do these two political groups think that we are that stupid that we have to blindly follow one or the other and their misguided logic? Do parents have no roles in raising their kids at all or are we just going to let these mindless village idiots raise our kids?

As a scientist and a father of three daughters, there is only a few questions that I need answered.

Is the vaccine safe?

What are possible side effects?

Will there be more research to absolutely prove the HPV/cervical cancer link?

Why do few women with HPV get cervical cancer and most do not?

Is the benefit of mass immunization worth the possible individual risks?

Let's leave the morality and rights arguments to those who aren't smart enough to be asking the right questions. They are only interested in pushing their agenda, no matter how hypocritical.

I never meant this blog to ever get political, but I will say this.

Don't be a slave to your party line, no matter which party you belong to. Use the brain in your head in every instance and don't entrust political groups, organized religions or politicians to spoon feed your positions. They may not purposefully try to be hypocritical, but they all have an agenda to serve. Unfortunately, the truth and the logical reasonable solution are victims to the battle.

Whether you believe God gave you the brain in your head or that it has evolved from primates, please don't forget to use it. I was shaking my head in disbelief as CNBC showed a panel discussion that argued the morality and rights issue of the HPV vaccine, when they should have been tackling questions that really mattered.

Conservatives preaching choice, while liberals were arguing against an individuals' right to choose. Now, I think I've seen it all.

That's what I call "Must See TV".

From the Files Of "I Told You So!": The First Ipod Murder

http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/06/21/ipod.killing.ap/index.html

Well, I guess my blog on the Ipod and Social Darwinism turned out to be a little more than a gallon of hot air after all. Ipods do put kids at risk! Here is the link:

http://docblueysworld.blogspot.com/2005/11/ipod-and-social-darwinism-theory-of.html

Of course, it had to happen in New York, which should come as no surprise. I told you guys and gals that it was only a matter of time before kids started killing each other over these stupid Ipods. What a shame. Now that two of my daughters own them (thanks to my poor parenting and hypocrisy!), I can only say that I am glad that I've already dug holes for them.

Be prepared...be prepared...yodeleheyhey, hehooyodelehehehoo!!!

Deadwood: TV's Best Show

Granted, I don't watch a heck of a lot of TV, so my basis for comparison is pretty weak, but this show eclipsed my love of "The Sopranos" last year.

Unfortunately, this season will be Deadwood's last. All the more reason to enjoy a good thing while it lasts as most of it's stars have already signed on to do other TV shows and movies. This cast was just too good to be kept together.

Who can forget the signature scene in which Swearingen, knife drawn across Bullock's neck in the thoroughfare, while both are fighting in the mud and Bullock's "wife and son" newly pull into town on the stagecoach and happen upon the two unexpectedly.

"Welcome to fucking Deadwood!", exclaims Swearingen to Bullock's family.

You just can't beat this show. Although, I'm sure that the flowery language interspersed between the "cocksuckers" will probably send even the most learned to the dictionary, somehow this show is like crack cocaine for me. Tons of violence, whores and history are interwoven together to craft an amusing tapestry filled with an almost unwieldy number of extremely watchable characters. And the best thing, no fucking Carmela Soprano!

After watching Season 3's second episode last night, this season is shaping up to be a veritable bloodbath! So, sit back and treat yourself to a shot and a whore at the Gem, and enjoy the carnage.

Why has it taken so long for someone to put together a series like this? I'm not a big fan of westerns usually, but this show is for adults what Bruce Campbell's "Adventures of Briscoe County Jr." was for families with kids. Unfortunately, neither will ever be appreciated for their uncanny brilliance.

Rumor has it that a 40-something woman living in the southern US watches Deadwood with her five year old son but it's okay because of her very special bond with him. He especially likes when Trixie is sucking Al's kidney stones out while thumb massaging his prostate.

Sorry, I just couldn't help myself.

Vegetablisberger ("Hey You Guys!")

So, the famed Pittsburgh quarterback dodged a bullet and he seems like he's going to be okay. Maybe a little bit ugly, but okay nonetheless.

Now, it seems like the rest of the city is getting on his case for not wearing a helmet riding his motorcycle. How irresponsible it is given his employment for the city's football team. Now people are talking about bringing back a brain bucket law for cyclists.

I could give two figs about retards that ride motorcycles without helmets. You know who I feel sorry for? The people that have to scoop their brains off the road after they wreck. When you ride a motorcycle on the road, you are basically putting your life in others' hands. That's a simple fact. A helmet law will save some lives but not prevent accidents.

In a world where retards drive cars with cellphones to their heads, applying make-up and eating dinner in the driver seat, why in the world would you float your body above concrete at 55 MPH alongside them? That's basically what you are doing.

Do yourself a favor, buy a car and use your motorcycle for dirt roads. We are raising a nation of idiots behind the wheel who have no attention span. If I had a nickle for every moron I see drifting out of their lane because they are talking on the cellphone, I'd be a millionaire.

Forget a helmet law and let's get a cellphone ban already. If stupid people want to die because they refuse to use personal protection (helmets or seat belts, for that matter), so be it. How about a little protection for the rest of us who are responsible drivers?

Let Social Darwinism cull out the idiots of the world. Let's protect those of us with the sense enough to regard our lives as valuable and worth protecting.

BS Poker, June 9,2007

Attendees (girlfriends/wives): Irish (+the Saint), Meerksy, Handyman, Choder, Ace, Gary (+the Keeper), T-dog (+B-cat), Don Felatio (+Kay), Gavo, Bluey (+Tay), Highmark Blue, Griffin (+Tracer) and Poppinfresh (+Erie).


20 attendees!!! Can you believe it!!! Wow, what a night.


Here are the high(low)lights:


The Handyman makes a surprise appearance.

Meersky brings the previously hospitalized, gimped out, recovering Poppinfresh a wheelchair and proceeds to wheel him around the apartment.

Life-size Barbie's hermaphroditic bulge.

Jesus turns water into wine, Gavo uses German Logic to turn another straight into a three of a kind.

Edgewood/Swissvale revisited with a Highmark generated Itunes epilogue by Stephen Hawking.

The Handyman bringing to light the existence of Highmark's 8 year old crackbaby twins who reside in West Mifflin.

Irish swallowing three 5's, a queen and a room to grow 5 from Ace! Can you say dislocated jaw? Probably the biggest circus seal impression we've ever seen.

Bluey asking Gary, "Don't you know that you should never date a girl with a gag reflex?".

Gavo's impression of the Third Reich's Make-A-Wish chapter participants.

Meersky acting octagonally again as the "Human Stop Sign"

Este (Griffin) and Tracer bringing a 40th birthday oversized donut and cinnamon roll and Tracer and Gary trying six times to light the candles with Meersky turning the fan on and off. After 10 minutes and finally getting the two candles lit, Bluey promptly "wishes" for new friends!

Highmark's ignorant, unfeeling and cold remark to a wheelchair bound, "almost deathpool loser" Poppinfresh: "Hey gramps, thanks for coming, try not to shit yourself this time ok?"

Choder ressurects the memory of Mr. Bubbles and hilariously brings him and Gaston back to life.

The Handyman gets a BOG mention for admitting that he knew Gaston's name.

Tay's false teeth and Bluey's comments:"I'm about a week away from kicking Bucky to the curb""You think Tay should get her teeth fixed?""Zip it...Bucky!"

Tracer and Erie dyke out on Bluey's bed.

Women's BS Poker suffrage! The Keeper and Tay become the first chicks to play with the big boys.

Handyman welcomes Gary's Keeper to the NFL without even giving her the benefit of a reacharound.

Ace accuses Tay of not knowing what a straight is, calls her a lying whore and then faces her 10 high straight wrath through Bluey.

Highmark's "F the French" and Griffin's "Are those my balls on your face?" T-shirts.

Meersky advises and praises Bluey about keeping "his pimp hand strong" after Bluey's "Do some dishes while you're in the kitchen" comment to Tay.

Choder slams Don Felatio with AAA, as Tankboy claims they are non-existent!

The Handyman disgustedly throws Tay a quarter as a reward for kissing Bluey. "Hell, if that's not worth a quarter, I don't know what is."

B-cat's hunger solely for T-dog's sausage prompting Bluey to advocate a dumping.

The Keeper is asked why "after 3 weeks of dating Gary, she hasn't gone screaming into the night yet?" and is given the offer and opportunity to dump Gary as she sees fit and is given the power to replace him with another guy to be placed in this group.

Ocho Rios!!!...not!!! Highmark's 8's Tote board count - a disappointing 2.

Irish's multiple bombing campaign over the French Seawall leaving Bluey looking like Zarqawi in the rubble.

Bluey's son, Pimp-N-Playa AWOL and suspected to be dead.

Don Felatio, upon the start of BS Poker, turns to his wife and tells her, "Kay, I told you. Don't ask me about my business", and promptly drives her home before returning to play.

Keep em' coming and I will add any others you wish to document.

Why I Love New York City!

The day after the US finds and kills reputed "goat sodomizer" Zarqawi, the New York Post immediately goes on the offensive and taunts and kicks the man when he's down and out. Let's not even wait until the body is cool before we start the trash talking.

I love it.

"Warm up the virgins" is immediately followed by the headline inside the paper stating "Evil Zarqawi Blown To Hell!" Friggin' priceless.

You have just got to love New Yorkers passion even though they can be incredibly insensitive and rude.

Us New Yorkers want to give a big shout out to Al Qaeda.

"Fuck You and Die!"

The Slingshot...er...The Swingshot at Kennywood

Yesterday, I went to Kennywood with my girlfriend, Tay, and our girls. Poppinfresh and Erie joined us at the park.

Kennywood has a new ride that resembles a slingshot that is called The Swingshot. Unfortunately, the new ride was being worked on all day by maintenance staff and was not opened until we were in the parking lot ready to leave.

My eldest daughter turned to me at some point during the day and asked me, "Dad, why isn't The Swingshot open?"

I looked at her and with a straight face told her, "They have it closed because it keeps launching kids to the other side of the park. They're trying to fix that. Kids keep getting thrown clear across the park into the water below the SkyCoaster."

She looks at me and gives me a frown because she's heard some semblance of this type of story a thousand times.

"Dad!"

Of course we all got a laugh out of it and every time someone asks about the new ride at Kennywood they all get the same story from all of us now.

The Swingshot launches people! It launches people!

Carousel

Anybody remember the sci-fi B movie Logan's Run? You know, the one where once you reach the age of 30, they dressed you in a robe and levitated you in a circle (hence "carousel") while laser beams shot all the 30 year old "shrivs" out of the sky.

Carousel was supposed to be the future's answer to rampant overpopulation which was it's author's future vision. Carousel was what was supposed to preserve the earth's waning natural resources for the next generations to survive.

Now, in 2 days, I turn 40 and I'm not necessarily going to advocate Carousel. Oh, who am I kidding. That's exactly what I'm going to advocate.

You see, we have a hell of a lot of baby boomers. Way more than Generation X and Y can support. They soon will be sucking up all of our country's resources. Hell, yesterday, I was out on the road and it took me an hour and ten minutes to drive 15 miles because every baby booming shriv in the world had their Sunday car out on the road and refused to do more than 15 miles per hour. I say it's time to implement the Carousel for real.

Now, the tricky part. What age do we set as the cut-off for Carousel?

Hmmmm, since I'm turning 40 and the baby boomers are an anomaly that will only require Carousel for a short period of time. Surely it will be repealed before I hit Carousel age.

Let's say 62 and we can repeal Carousel in 20 years, when I reach the tender age of 60. That should cure my road rage and make sure that Social Security and all the maximum benefits are around when I'm a shriv.

So, let's fire up the Carousel and pass me one of those Swift's Irish Baby Roasters, so I can chow down and watch the festivities while also solving the "Irish Problem" all in one fell swoop!

Our First Fight

After 6 months of dating without an altercation, Tay and I were feeling pretty good and I was officially proclaiming myself to be "Mr. Perfect".

That all came tumbling down on Friday with, surprisingly, an insensitive remark from me.

We we're in a store and I was looking at the hair coloring products. I point to the auburn red hair and say, "Hey, look at this color!".

Tay replies, "I dyed my hair that color once, it looked real nice".

Then without skipping a beat, I point to the platinum blonde hair and say...(are you ready for this one???)...

"You can dye your hair blonde and I can fantasize about being with Mothra (my ex-wife)!"

Silence..........and it would remain that way until about 5 minutes later.

God only knows what this woman sees in me. I can be a real jackass.

Can Someone Please Whack This Woman!

Carmela Soprano is starting to give me ass cancer.

It's bad enought that this season of HBO's "Sopranos", should have been called "Brokeback Dago", but the Carmela face time for this season is reaching epic proportion. Last night's 50 minute episode had seemingly 20 minutes of Carmela playing tourist in chesse-eating surrender monkey land (props to groundskeeper Willy) last night. This begs to question, "Who really gives a fuck about Carmela in this show?"

Seasons 1 and 2 of the "Sopranos" are some of the best TV you'll find around, assuming you have a stomach for the violence. The show was edgy, humorous and gripping. Starting in season 3, it seemed that HBO wasn't happy enough with its' 18-45 year old male demographic coupled with lackluster female ratings and made a decision to have the plot revolve more around its' female characters. This was a big mistake in my eyes. I could give two shits about the women characters in this show and feel that the only female characters that matter in the series are Dr. Melfi, whoever Tony is screwing at the time and the Bada Bing girls. All the other female characters should be window dressing at best.

For the past 4 years, we have to suffer through Carmela, Janice, fucking Ginny Sac, and the movie club group of Yentas and their problems living as mob wives.

Who the fuck gives a shit. They know who they married. They don't mind spending the blood money on extravagant shit or eating in fancy restaurants. This isn't "Sex in the City" or "Desperate Housewives". So I ask you, why are they in this show at all? I can't stand any of them and pray they all die and are chopped up at Satriale's almost every episode. As hot as she was, even Adrianna became annoying and I was glad that she was capped even though now she seems to be haunting me from the grave.

Thankfully, Vito, ate a pool cue rectally and put an end to the "Brokeback" plotline. After getting a huge belly laugh seeing him dressed up in leather at the gay bar for the first time, I've actually resorted to changing the channel every time him and "Johnny Cakes" started getting intimate. If that makes me a homophobe, so fucking be it.

Back to Carmela. Other than spitting out the smoking hot Meadow, what exactly does she add to the show except to remind men why they shouldn't ever get married in the first place. All she does is worry, bitch and moan about household issues. I don't watch the "Sopranos" to be reminded what a pain in the ass a wife can be. I have an ex that fills that role.

To the producers of the show, give me the storyline of the gangsters and forget about the wives. Seeing Carmela walk through Paris for 20 minutes last night made me feel like killing someone.

20 fucking minutes????? Are you kidding me?????

If she isn't murdered in the season finale, I'm going to have to go for a colonoscopy.

By the way, if Carmela climbed up on top of me, I think my balls would ascend and turn into ovaries and I would never come again.

Orange Girl

In a small card shop close to where I work, there is this very attractive gal who works at the counter. Every day on my walk to lunch I look forward to seeing her for strictly eye candy purposes.

She's much too young for me. She's a bleached blonde but she carries it off okay (I'm not much of a fan of blondes, since I've always preferred brunettes, and the fact that my ex is a blonde, doesn't exactly help matters).

Being that I used to work on a college campus, one of my favorite past-times after I was separated, was girlwatching. Nothing perverted or dirty, just enjoying the scenery, you know. My new workplace location doesn't allow that hobby much. It's kind of like birdwatching under water. Every once in a while a bird comes out of nowhere for a dive. So, obviously I enjoy whatever comes my way, including Orangegirl.

The problem with this girl is that her skin is a Chernobyl shade of orange. She looks like she was caught in a radioactive blast zone or dipped in a pool of Iodine. It's pretty obvious that she must be addicted to tanning salons because she really is an unnatural shade of orange. It's a shame, because, other than her un-natural skin color, she is smoking hot.

After all my years, I do not pretend to be an expert on women (far from it) but could someone explain to me why one of this girl's friends wouldn't just tell her how ridiculous she looks in her orange hue? She looks pretty damn close to the color of the Oompa Loompas, and I'm am not exagerating...that much.

Every time I walk by and look into the display window, I'm expecting her to break out into dance and start singing:

"Oompa loompa, doopidy doo,
I've got another message for you
Oompa loompa, doopidy dum,
Do you know where melanoma comes from?"

I guess I was born so dark, I don't know how horrible it must be to be fair skinned. But orange skin??? I don't understand how that's an improvement unless you are auditioning to be a highway traffic cone. Maybe she's a nudist/NRA member and the tanning gives her the required square inches required by state mandates for hunter safety.

Or maybe her parents are Oompa Loompas. I think that her orange glow would delay male orgasm by 13.4 seconds if my research is correct.

Maybe that's why she does it.

Separated At Birth

Does this picture remind anyone of an infamous pilgrimager whose exploits to burn down the cottage is documented in a previous post?

Maybe, if he was wearing his helmet a few years back, he wouldn't have gotten slammed upside his head with a softball bat from one of his special friends and which prompted one of the funniest fictional lines.

"Is he dead???"

After a few minutes out cold, this thick skulled "gymnosperm" lived to tell the tale (although he might have been better off, if he kept it to himself). Well, I for one, salute my all time favorite and funniest pilgrimage members!

Stay gold!

YYYAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!

Bill the Wondermutt!

I had a dog named Shakespeare (nicknamed just plain ol' Bill) that I found on the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere, during a blizzard when I was a junior in college. I almost hit him with my car, as my roomate Beukey and I were driving off campus with kidnapped sorority pledges.

Bill was just a pup, with no tags, that seemingly someone had dropped off and he had serious respiratory problems. I lived in a frathouse, so I back-tracked back to the house and let our frat's pledges clean him up while we were away.

Bill was pretty sick, so I took him to a vet the next day, where he got antibiotics, and I decided to keep him. Bill was the best mutt in the world and loved people. He also didn't seem to have a care in the world and wasn't terribly bright. My frat brothers would do things like putting him up in the cupboard with the dishes where he would just set up camp without a worry about trying to get out. Usually, I would find him sleeping up there an hour later when one of my frat brothers would finally shake their head and realize he wasn't going to cry or even attempt to get free, and would let me know where he was.

Bill was a super cool pet and everybody couldn't help but become attached to him. He had a load of personality.

But, as I said, Bill was no rocket scientist. Hell, sometimes I wondered if his head housed a brain at all. Due to sheer stupidity, he was hit by cars twice with the second coming after he actually ran into the side of a moving car, knocking himself out cold while I watched in utter disbelief. It was after this that Bill acquired his magical powers.

Thats right, I said magical powers.

You see, after Bill bumped his noggin on the side of that car, he acquired the power to teleport himself from place to place. No, I'm not joking.

For example, one day, my roommate, Beukey and I were studying for finals. The door to our room was closed and Bill was fast asleep on my bed. Usually he would sleep on my bed and every once in a while climb up on Beukey's bed. In our room, my mattress was on the floor and surrounded by two walls on two sides, a couch and a dresser on a third side and the only open side was at the foot of the bed. That's where our reclining chair was where I was studying. The recliner basically cut off half of the foot of the bed area and when I was sitting in it with my feet up on the couch (as I customarily sat), nothing could squeeze through without climbing over the top of my legs.Well, anyway, we're in there studying and Beukey asks what Bill was doing. I tell him that he's asleep on my bed but when I turn to look, he's gone!

"He was just there a second ago".

"What are you talking about?" Beukey inquired.

"He's gone. Bill's gone."

"Quit fucking around"

"I'm not. He is not on my bed anymore"

"Yeah, right"

"I'm absolutely serious, dude, he disappeared!"

Beuckey gets up off his bed to look and lo and behold he confirms, Bill has vanished.

"That's not possible", Beukey says.

"Tell me about it, I'm all fucking spooked now"

"The door is closed and we would have seen him leave"

"Christ, Beukey, he would have had to climb over the top of me and grow a quick opposible thumb to turn the doorknob to get out. He must have teleported out, like they do on Star Trek. Hell, maybe when he got hit by that car last week, he acquired magical powers"

We sat there in silence mulling the possibilities when we heard a sniffing sound outside the door. I got up and sure enough, it was Bill "The Amazing Teleporting Canine".

To this day, Beukey and I would swear on a stack of bibles and I would swear on my children that Bill teleported out of the room that day.

They say that humans only use less than 5% of their brains. I'm sure that Bill used less than 1% of his little pea brain. But they say that the mysteries held in the unused portion of our brains offer limitless potential for future development and usage such as telekinesis, etc...I think that accident tapped an area in Bill's brain that allowed him the power to teleport. Sure enough, whenever I wanted to scold him, he would be nowhere to be found.

Coincidence????

Stevie Ray Vaughan: A Blues Legend

I was put onto this clip of SRV doing "Texas Flood" earlier today.

When I was in college, I was a huge SRV fan. Unfortunately, SRV was killed in a helicopter accident while in the midst of a comeback tour in 1990. It has been awhile since I have listened to his albums (Step By Step, being my personal favorite).

I have no idea why I have gone so long since listening to this master of the blues. Please sit back, relax, put your feet up and let the ghost of SRV take you away for awhile.

This is one soulful nugget of the true spirit of Stevie Ray. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=490OveFwa_A&search=texas%20flood

An Extra Two Minutes (To Come)

This past pilgrimage, a bunch of us guys were watching some non-sensical show on E or some other channel about the sexiest people.

As we held court for a half hour over who was hot, who hit the wall etc...etc..., my buddy T-Dog offered an interesting opinion.

He claimed that if he didn't respect the job that a woman did, that he would find her less sexy. I was pretty perplexed by this because this type of opinion is usually reserved for women, who will find a man more attractive based on his success, charisma or confidence.

Us dumb mammals (men) don't usually put too much stock in what a woman does. If she's hot, she's hot regardless of what she does. I can't say I put any thought into the success of her job, when considering whether I find her attractive or whether I'd sleep with her.

So, being thus perplexed, I asked T-Dog to explain."If I don't consider an actress good at her profession, I wouldn't find her as sexy", T-dog explained.

"What???"

"If she's a poor actress, I would find her less attractive", T-dog further elaborated.

"What the hell does that mean? She's either hot or she isn't. We're talking about actresses here that could easily be supermodels."

"I'm just saying that I'd find them less attractive"

"So, let me get this straight. I think Jessica Alba is hot but I think that she is a terrible actress (which I do, by the way). The fact that I find her less sexy means what, exactly? That if I was sleeping with her that it would take me an extra two minutes to come?"

T-Dog rolls his eyes at me. I think I made my point. Of course, throughout the rest of the show, I beat my point to death as I estimate the extra amount of time needed to come for the remaining women on the list.

I can be a real ass at times.