3.27.2006

The Inner Beast

After a Spring Pilgrimage a few years ago, my son, Pimp-n-Playa and I were driving back home along I-90. We were passing the time in customary fashion, bullshitting and checking out the pretty girls in the other cars. That's when we spotted a strawberry blond haired woman, probably about 25-28 years old or so, in the passenger seat of an adjacent vehicle.

Sitting next to her was a prototypical yuppie guy wearing a red polo shirt and you could almost hear the perfect crease in what was probably a wrinkle free tan pair of khaki pants, even though you couldn't see them. I turned to Pimp and we began to craft the following story.

"Look at that smoking hot chick in that car", I said.

"I wouldn't mind banging the fucking bottom out of her", Pimp retorted.

"Look at that guy she's with"

"Why is it all of these fucking hot chicks end up with such fucking nerds?"

"C'mon, son, he seems like a nice guy. In fact he's probably a rocket scientist and the model boyfriend/husband. He probably does anything she asks and gives her anything she asks for. He probably does the dishes and the laundry."

"You're probably fucking right"

"But you know what. Take a closer look at her, son. Look at her eyes"

"Whatyuns mean Dad?"

"Look at her. She's bored to death. Look at her eyes. She's off in space. She may be sitting beside him, but she's not all there. In her mind, she's someplace else."

"What are you fucking talking about?"

"Bear with me on this one. I know that look. Picture a typical day at their house. He probably races home from his job, cooks her dinner and has lit candles on the dining room table, waiting for her to come home. She comes home and is greeted by her nice guy and is pleasantly surprised by his efforts. They enjoy dinner, then he clears the plates and loads the dishwasher, they sit on the porch and talk about what she's interested in for a few hours before retiring for the night. They turn off the lights and quietly make love before falling asleep"

"I don't get it. That actually sounds kind of fucking nice"

"Sure it's nice. That's the problem"

"What the fuck?"

"Look at her. She's fucking bored. What she wants and needs is for him to grab her when she walks in the door, rip open her blouse and start kissing and sucking on her breasts. Then turning her around and bending her over the kitchen island, grabbing the back of her panties and ripping them in half right out of the back of her skirt. Grabbing her by the hair, he mounts her doggy style, gnaws on her neck and starts jackhammering her right in the middle of the kitchen, with her skirt hiked up on her hips. By this time she's so hot and excited that she soaks the kitchen island and is breathless as she comes multiple times. Then he pulls out of her and shoots his load all over her back and then leaves without another word. This is what she's been longing for but too timid to ask her perfect man for. He's satisfied her inner beast"

"Her inner beast?"

"Every woman has an inner beast. Call it her primal, inner slut. If a man doesn't bring out a woman's inner beast, he is doomed to lose her sooner or later. Look at that guy she's with. When he goes down on her for a minute or two before sex, he probably licks a little around the outside before he mounts her missionary style and does his business. He's afraid to stick his head in there and get messy. She needs someone who's going to go in there and go to war with her clit. Doing whatever is necessary to get her off. She needs someone who's going to be a slave to her pussy and love it. I'm sorry, but he's just not that guy"

"Holy shit (laughing his ass off)!"

"She wants someone to take charge, bring out the bad girl's inner beast and leave her totally used, exhausted and wanting more but too sore to even think about it. She wants someone who's willing to spank her ass as he's getting ready to bring it home."

"You are one fucking sick dude (laughing)"

"I'm not saying that she wants that every night or even that frequently at all. But, look into her eyes. She wants the possibility of that kind of passion. Even if it only happens once in a blue moon. She wants to pull herself off that kitchen island, grab her torn shirt and split panties off the floor and use them to rub the redness she feels on her ass and the wetness she's never experienced before between her legs. And as she mindlessly wanders towards the bathroom, she feels like a used little slut. And then she smiles. Because the inner beast has been out for a spin and she didn't have to go somewhere else or to someone else to release it. And it's there in every woman, just waiting to be released. Women may claim to want the sensitive guy, and maybe that's true. But they fantasize at night about the Marlboro man, make no mistake. And this guy sitting next to her just doesn't have it in him. I can tell. And I feel sorry for her."

"That's fucking sad"

"Tell me about it. But eventually she'll find someone to release her inner beast. It's just a matter of time. They all do."

"Y'know, Zap, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that child is just a big pompous buffoon." -Leela

"And which one rocked your world?" - The "Zapster", Zap Brannigan

Love's Labour Lost In Space, Futurama - Season 1, Episode 4.

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