Hello...OnStar!

I suffer from chronic road rage but nothing gets my blood boiling in my car more than the OnStar commercials. This is the service you can get with your car where you are GPS tracked everywhere you go and immediately put in touch with a representative if you wreck, so they can call the police or paramedics. Of course they sell the service by selling Fear to morons.

The commercial that drives me up the wall is the one where the woman gets into a fender bender and the OnStar rep asks if she's been hurt.

"I dont know (crying)...I'm bleeding from my head (hysterical)....help (crying profusely)".

I don't know why but every time I hear that commercial, the lady reminds me of Johnny Sac's (from the Sopranos) wife Ginny. She drops her Snickers bar on the floor and in an attempt to retrieve it between her massive legs, she plows into a phone pole and hits her head off the dashboard. The commercial then, in my mind, proceeds from there.

The reason why this commercial makes me want to strangle somebody, is that first of all, the woman is the whiniest bitch in the world. How do you get to middle age being such a big fucking baby? Suck it up already. Of course, this would be OnStar's target audience. People that are afraid of leaving their house alone because god forbid what'll happen to them if they didn't have 24 hour access to help.

If I smashed my car up, I'd be mad (either at my own stupidity or that of another) and I wouldn't be crying to an OnStar rep. How fucking embarrassing. At least drop dead with dignity if that's going to be the case. I think what this generation needs is a little dose of helping yourself in a life/death situation. Why do we feel the need to be tracked by GPS everywhere we go? Most people these days carry a cell phone. Call 911 yourself. If you can't identify to the operator where you are, then you deserve to die.

The other OnStar commercial goes something like this:

Caller (in a southern drawl): Hello, OnStar...

OnStar rep: What can I do for you sir?

Caller: I just locked my 14 children in my vehicle. Can you help me?

OnStar rep: Sure sir, what is your ID number?

Caller: 6729086555

OnStar rep: How did you fit 14 kids in a Chevy Cavalier, sir?

Caller: It wasn't easy.

OnStar rep: 14 kids??? How old are they? Aren't they unable to unlock the door by themselves?

Caller: They range in age from 2 months to 14 years of age.

OnStar rep: Can't the 14 year old unlock the door?

Caller: She would, if she was conscious.

OnStar rep: Say again sir?

Caller: You see, me and my wife flew to Mobile, Alabama to visit relatives and we left the kids in the car in the airport's long term parking lot for two weeks. I told them not to leave the car or I'd whup them. I guess we didn't leave enough food and water. And wouldn'ja know it, I left my keys at the bar last night.

OnStar rep: Ok, sir. You're car should be unlocked now.

Caller: Thanks....ooooweeeeee, my god what a smell. I think a few of them are still alive honey.

OnStar rep: Your welcome sir, Thanks for using Onstar! We're here when you need us!

Put OnStar on the list with the $20 lottery ticket as a stupid waste of money aimed at stupid people.