4.12.2006

Don Felatio's Eating Problem

I have a buddy named Felatio who has an eating problem.

It's not that he over eats. It's that he usually misses his mouth when he attempts eating. I had the guys over my place one night for poker and we ordered pizza. I walked into the kitchen just in time to observe the following event:

Mr Felatio is talking to a buddy, he folds his slice of pizza and proceeds to miss his entire mouth with the slice. The sauce streaks his cheek and a big chunk of pizza cheese and sauce falls to the kitchen floor. He is totally oblivious to it.

I yell at him and he says, "What???"

"Holy Christ, Felatio, did you get any of that pizza in your mouth?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Look at the floor dude"

Don Felatio sees the pizza and sauce at his feet on the floor.

"I didn't do that!"

"The hell you didn't. I watched the whole thing. You missed your whole mouth and the pizza ended up on the floor!"

You're probably saying to yourself, Bluey's exagerating like he usually does. I'm not, I'm dead serious. How a person can a) miss his open mouth with food and b) be totally unaware that his teeth are chewing emptiness is beyond me.

Don Felatio is one special person indeed in that aspect.

On another occasion, I had the guys over for a Halo night. This time Felatio was eating a bowl of popcorn that I made for him. I'd watch him occasionally since we were in the living room. Apart from the fact that 3 out of every five popcorn pieces missed his mouth, I said to myself, "How big a mess can he make eating popcorn?".

An hour later I found out when we turned the lights on. When he got up off the floor, there was a halo of popcorn around him like a crime scene dead body chalk line. If you looked closely enough, you could make out his body image in the fallen popcorn similar to the shadows of human beings created when the volcano at Pompeii erupted.

I looked at him and said "What the hell are you going to do when you get married? No woman is going to put up with this. Don't you have any nerve endings in your mouth area that tell you that you are missing your piehole?"

Well, Don Felatio is married now and all I can say is thank god I bought him a silver plated eating funnel for his wedding gift. I just may have well saved his marriage!

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