Bluey's Hail Mary 180, JusticeLeagueNow 115

AP: Skeevemont, PA:

The Hail Mary sent the Justice League home crying in their soiled underoos as Bluey's squad pounded said superheroes by 65 points. QB Captain America was repeatedly bitchslapped while Batman and Robin were sodomizing each other and Aquaman on the sidelines.

Their was a brief controversy as the Bluey offense poked Superman in the eye, which kept him from preventing the Hail Mary from stealing the Justice League's defensive signals. Hail Mary backup QB Jay Cutler somehow also managed to get Wonder Woman pregnant from his own sideline while the Green Lantern shit his pants in the 1st quarter and never returned to action.

All in all, a successful day as the Marys beat the sissy marys. The Hail Mary go to 2-1 on the season and next face the WashPA Warriors.

"Oh, warriors!!!!.....come out and play!"

On The Set of "Trapped"

Just wanted to give some props to my buddies Gavo and Hamdog, who continue to work filming their first feature length movie this fall, "Trapped", starring Corbin Bernsen, Tom Atkins and in a small cameo appearance...Bluey!

I was just overjoyed to be able to help and witness parts of the process. The script was written by Gavo, Hamdog, Gav's buddy Ron and Gavo's wife and is, from what I understand, a psychological thriller with plenty of plot twists. The Tribune Review wrote a story recently about the film and it's principals. If you are interested in following the progress of the film making, please see Gavo's OccaBocca blog. There is a link on my blogs' front page.

Guys, all of my best wishes with this film. I can't wait to see the finished product.

Oh, and I guess I should start to figure out the seven degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon to Bluey for cocktail parties, and start assembling a posse of my peeps.

Epilogue: Just in case anyone is interested. Here is the 7 degrees of separation from Bluey to Kevin Bacon.

Bluey "Trapped"
Tom Atkins "Trapped", "Lethal Weapon"
Danny Glover "Lethal Weapon", "Saw"
Cary Elwes "Saw","The Princess Bride"
Robin Wright Penn "The Princess Bride", "Forrest Gump"
Tom Hanks "Forrest Gump", "Apollo 13"
Kevin Bacon "Apollo 13"

also acceptable:

Bluey "Trapped"
Corbin Bernsen "Trapped", "Major League"
Wesley Snipes "Major League", "Rising Sun"
Sean Connery "Rising Sun", "Indiana Jones/Last Crusade"
Harrison Ford "Indiana Jones/Last Crusade", "Apocalypse Now"
Laurence Fishburne "Apocolypse Now", "Mystic River"
Kevin Bacon "Mystic River"

I guess they are right, Kevin Bacon is the center of the universe!

Framed!

Anybody who has kids, understands how important it is as a parent to have some decent detective skills. It always seems that when something gets broken or goes wrong in the house, somehow nobody did it or is responsible.

Unfortunately, my kids don't have a prayer in that department because I was born with crazy good analytical skills. From looking around and talking to them, I can usually figure out the truth and bust them pretty quickly.

This past weekend, Tay and our four daughters, Aussie, Loni, Bebis and Kitty, were enjoying a nice weekend together when Loni came down the stairs crying. I ask her what is wrong and she tells me that she knocked a cup of diet 7-up on the computer keyboard. Immediately, I get annoyed because the biggest rule I have for the computer room is NO FOOD OR DRINK. There is no exceptions. I don't even break that rule...ever.

I ask Loni why there was a drink up there in the first place.

"It wasn't mine daddy, I swear. I'm so sorry for knocking the drink on the keyboard!"

She breaks down in tears and it breaks my heart. I'm fairly confident that even though Loni knocked the drink over, it really wasn't her fault and she was besides herself with grief.

I dismiss Loni, ask her to bring down the keyboard, and start cleaning it by removing all the keys. The whole time I'm talking to Tay about the whole situation to get any ideas she has about who the culprit is.

So, then I call my youngest, Kitty, downstairs and ask her if she brought a drink into the computer room.

"It wasn't me daddy, I would never bring a drink into the computer room".

And you know what, I believed her. She's about as much of a rules nut as I am and I doubt very much that it would have been her. Plus, she's more of an orange-strawberry-banana juice girl. I've rarely seen her drink 7-up, when given a choice.

Which brought me to Bebis and Aussie, who seemed to be doing their very best to avoid me. Bebis can be a little bit of a rebel at times and reminds me so much of myself at that age. She's got a little bit of a devilish streak in her at times. I talk to her and she adamantly denies bringing the drink in the room, but I remain unconvinced. You see, Bebis is more of a water drinker but she wasn't exactly persuasive in her denial.

7-up is Ausssie's favorite drink but she also is the oldest daughter and is pretty responsible. She also denies bringing the drink up to the computer room and sounds convincing.

At this point, I'm perplexed. I bring them all together and ask them together who did it.

"We didn't do it"

"Of course you didn't. Nobody did it! It just magically appeared in the computer room or maybe we got a ghost that likes to drink Cherry 7-up. Is that what you're trying to tell me? If you gals can't follow simple rules, I'm taking computer time away from all of you."

They agree to the ghost part and cringe about losing computer priviledges.

Maybe we do have a thirsty ghost. I'm pretty disappointed in myself because even though I live with the four peteys, they never usually get anything past me. But that turned out to be my problem and why I couldn't solve "The Case of the Soggy Keyboard".

I'll get to that in just a second. I figured that I'd visit the scene of the crime before I gave up. When I was looking around the room, Tay walked in to console me.

"Oh my god!"

"What?", she says.

"You did it!"

"What, no I didn't!"

"You framed the kids!"

You see, that was my mistake. I dont have FOUR PETEYS...I have FIVE PETEYS! That was the error in my deduction.

As I looked around the computer room, there was the box of tomato basil wheat thins that I had been eating in my room the night before. The kids hate those wheat thins. I hadn't used the computer that morning, so there was only one way they got into the computer room. I also had a 7-up drink in my room that I'd bet my left testicle wasn't still there either. Before I got up to check on that drink, I look at Tay.

"You came in here this morning to use the computer while I was making your coffee and cooking your breakfast. You brought the drink and the wheat thins in and left them there."

"I did no........oh, my god.....I did!"

"I know you did. I'm sure if I check for the drink in my bedroom, I'll find it gone"

She is mortified since we had been grilling the kids for an hour and Loni had been in tears.

As I walked into the bedroom, of course the drink is gone. I turn to Tay and say, "You framed the kids!". She throws me on the bed and she tells me that I'm going to keep my big mouth closed.

I start to yell for the girls.

Tay puts a pillow on my head and then tries to shove a sock in my mouth. She is stone cold busted but refuses to come clean. I continue to tease her by calling for the girls. She tries to smother me.

"I can't believe you framed the girls and now you won't come clean"

"They don't need to know anything about this...ever"

And the secret is safe to this point....well, to the girls anyway.

Of course Tay tries to turn it around on me and make an excuse that she was merely cleaning up after me and just happened to leave the stuff in the computer room.

I open my mouth again....

"GIRLS...hhhmmphhhh........!"

Muslims Versus the West

Props to my buddy Blue for finding this video nugget.

Here is a powerful and amazing statement on Al Jazeera television. The woman is Wafa Sultan, an Arab-American psychologist from Los Angeles. I would suggest watching it ASAP because I don't know how long the link will be active. This film clip should be shown around the world repeatedly!

http://switch3.castup.net/cunet/gm.asp?ai=214&ar=1050wmv&ak=nul

And shame on people who continue to believe that the US is somehow responsible for 9/11 or brings this grief upon itself.

Bluey's Hail Mary 160, DyNasty 142.

AP Report, Skeevemont, PA:

Bluey's Hail Mary popped it's WashPa fantasy football cherry by defeating Cali's DyNasty squad by 18 points late last night. The tandem of Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmandzadeh put DyNasty in an early hole that they just came up short of climbing out of. DyNasty RB Laurence Maroney had a final chance to squeeze out the victory but evidently, he must have been caught sleeping with coach's daughter, Chastity Belichick, during the pregame warmups as Bill relegated him to a very minor role.

The Hail Mary improve to 1-1 as DyNasty owner Cali falls to 0-2 and calls for a the replacement of one tear-stained carpet.

Messin' With Sasquatch

Tay's stepmom makes out of this world beef jerky. It is ten times better than the crap you buy in the stores. I'm totally addicted to it and asked Tay if she would be agreeable to learning how to make it. Her stepmom made me a big gallon ziploc bag a few weeks ago to keep me in jerky until Tay gets up and running.

So, I pretty much forget about it and I'm finishing up mowing the lawn one day when Tay comes up to me and grabs my head and slips a piece of beef jerky in my mouth. "You did a real nice job on the lawn". She kisses me and walks away.

A day or two later, I was changing some burnt out lightbulbs in her kitchen and after I'm done, she does the same thing, while patting me on the head. I'm thinking to myself, "Man, is that beef jerky yummy".

Then it occurs to me after I finish chewing the piece of jerky. I have no idea where the big bag of beef jerky is. And it also occurs to me that it hasn't been beef jerky that I've been eating (well, in reality it has been).

I've been eating fucking Scooby Snacks!

Now, you may be confused by this, by the grim reality hit me like a sledgehammer. Tay was using the beef jerky as a reward after I performed jobs around the house for her without me realizing it. I always knew that men were dumb mammals but what a dope I had been. I was nothing more than a trained circus seal.

So, I asked Tay where the bag of jerky was. She immediately knew that I was on to her.

"You don't get to have the bag."

"What the fuck? That's my beef jerky!"

"And I've been giving it to you"

"Yeah...giving it to me like giving god damned Scooby Snacks to a dog after doing jobs around the house!"

She starts laughing, realizing that she is busted but probably because she had manged to get away with it for three or so days.

She still doesn't surrender the bag even after I throw a tantrum.

"We'll see how much gets done around here while I'm waiting for you to fork over that bag".

"If you want jerky, you'll do what you're told", she jokes.

Thankfully, Tay's daughter, Aussie, who has had her cellphone taken away, finds the bag in Tay's hiding place and gives it to me. I immediately lift her cellphone restriction for her good deed.

All was right with the world, except now I'm out of jerky again.

Brio 122, Bluey's Hail Mary 107.

Well, I shit the diaper in my inaugural fantasy league matchup. Props to Flip for giving me my first lesson in fantasy football. That lesson is that matchups matter. Playing P. Rivers (SD) against the vaunted CHI defense instead of J. Cutler (DEN) against the crappy BUF defense is what cost me the victory.

So, the Hail Mary experiment starts at 0-1. Next up, Cali's DyNasty (0-1).

Diamond Futures

I was watching Bloomberg Financial television this morning when Tay came in the room fresh from her shower. Since she uses propane as an alternative heat source, I teased her by informing her that the October Propane contracts in the futures markets were up 25 cents.

She scanned the TV and noticed that there was a futures market in gold, silver, aluminum and just about anything a person could dream up.

Then she asks, "Is there a futures market in Diamonds?"

Immediately knowing what she's angling at, I reply "No."

"Why not?"

"They're just not a good investment. There's no way of making money in a diamonds market."

"Why is that?", she inquired.

"Because each diamond comes with a woman who will spend your fortune away."

Tay gives me a cross look. I start laughing.

Bluey stock advice: Short October Diamond contracts.

Is Ass Cancer Reversible?

Watching the NY Mets blow a 4 game series to the Filthadelpia Fillies, loaded up my colon with tumors like gumballs in a gumball machine. They basically pissed away a 7 game lead in the division in a span of five days as the Phils cut the Met lead to 2 games.

Then, the Mets swept the Braves and the Phils started losing.

And the Mets won the first two at Cincy for a 5 game win streak as the Phils fell 6 games behind again. I swear to God, this team is going to kill me before the season is over.

Dr. Pedro Martinez was able to excise a few tumors last night with a rusty butter knife but with a month to go, it can go either way.

This team is far better than any National League team and has the offense to rival any World Series opponent. But, I said the same thing last year and they lost to the goddamned Cardinals thanks to one Mr. David Wright.

C'mon guys, get you heads out of my ass and cure me already. 1986 was a long time ago.

Back To School

The Bluey daughters are back to school today. Hard to believe how quickly this summer vanished. Unbelievably all of my girls actually looked forward to returning.

Ausseo is running track, Loni is playing volleyball again, Rebe resumes her basketball career and Kitty is in a new school and goes back to her lessons tickling the ivories.

I gave them the standard advice to stay away from the boys or I'll start digging more holes.

Three Triples In One Day!

There was a minor anomaly on Sunday as Cone's Trucking split a doubleheader with Madelyn's Body Shop (19-12 loss, 14-4 win) in the Men's Washpa Softball League this past Sunday.

Bluey, never known for his footspeed, managed to double his lifetime triples total by going 6 for 6 with a trio of three baggers.

Now you can make the argument that his fat ass should have had three homeruns instead of triples, but nonetheless, quite the feat.

2007 Bluey's Hail Mary Team

Owner: Bluey
GM: Special Ed
Coach: Don Shula

The 2007 WashPa FFL had its' draft on Saturday, Aug 11. The inaugural Hail Mary squad was selected by former Crank Yanker, Special Ed, who secured the services of former Miami Dolphins coach, Don Shula only minutes after the draft ended. Las Vegas handicappers initiate the Hail Mary odds of a championship at 100-1.

The 2007 Hail Mary squad:

QBs: Phillip Rivers (SD), Jay Cutler (DEN)

RBs: Larry Johnson (KC), Brandon Jacobs (NYG), Adrian Peterson (MIN), Ladell Betts (WAS), Reuben Droughns (NYG)

WRs: Marvin Harrison (IND), Chad Johnson (CIN), TJ Houshmandzadeh (CIN), Jerricho Cotchery (NYJ), Wes Welker (NE), Anthony Gonzales (IND)

TE: Randy McMichael (STL)

DEF: New England Patriots

K: Olindo Mare (NE)

The Pot Holder Story

Everybody's better half every once in awhile makes them crazy sometimes. It's just a matter of whether it's the kind of crazy you can deal with over the years or not which determines whether you have a future together.

The cross I have to bear is Tay's insane need to reduce clutter on a never ending basis. Her house is very organized and ordered and you won't find too many nick-nacks (if any) collecting dust at her place. If you want to throw 2 slices of bread into the toaster or need a paper towel, you won't find them on the counter anywhere because they are neatly put away under the cupboards. She just doesn't believe in letting things lay around. Everything has its' place.

Now you're probably thinking to yourself, even Bluey surely isn't going to start complaining about a woman who keeps her house too clean, right?

Those of you who answered no, obviously don't know me too well.

You see, it's bad enough when I can't find a blessed thing in her kitchen. It may take me 10 years to figure out her system and where everthing is. I also can't find anything in my kitchen because she took it upon herself to reorganize it as well.

"Tay, where do I keep the (fill in the blank)?", is probably the most frequently uttered phrase in my own kitchen, so you can probably figure out that I'm so lost in hers.

But this past week, when I was cooking sausages in her stove, I hit my breaking point.

I was making what us Italians call "gravy", when I placed some sweet and hot italian sausages in a little garlic and olive oil in a pyrex dish. The plan was to bake the sausages in the oven and then add them to the gravy. So, I put the oven on 400* and ask Tay where she keeps the potholder. I grab the potholder out of the draw she points me to and place the sausages on the oven rack using the potholder. I go out to the porch to sit and relax while they are cooking.

Ten to fifteen minutes later the sausages need turned over, I return to the kitchen, open up the stove and ....voila!...the pot holder is gone.

"Tay?"

"What?"

"Where is the pot holder?"

"Oh...I put it away."

"Why did you do that? I'm still cooking."

"Sorry, here it is."

So, I pull the pyrex pan out, put down the potholder and start flipping the sausages. It takes me about 30 seconds to accomplish the task. I finish and I open the oven door again and reach for the pot holder.

It is gone again.

"Are you insane?"

"What?"

"Where the hell is the potholder?"

"Oh, sorry, I put it away"

"Christ almighty. Are you purposefully trying to give me cancer? Can you just leave the damn potholder out while I'm cooking and put it away after dinner? Is that too much to ask?"

"I thought you were done with it"

"Would it kill you to just leave the damn thing out for an hour?"

"Sorry"

So, I put the sausages in the oven again and after 10 minutes or so, they are done. The potholder is miraculously still there and I add the sausages to the gravy.

After dinner, I add the leftover sausages back to the pyrex dish to keep them warm in the oven. I tell Tay that I put the sausages back in the oven and that I would be taking them out in a few minutes.

A few minutes later, yep, you guessed it...the potholder is gone again.

I'm thinking to myself. I don't know whether to kiss her for being so cleanly or strangle her for being so incessantly OCD.

I'm still thinking about it.

Squealy McScream

Why, after all these years, did the Pittsburgh Steelers feel they needed a mascot? The team officially broke out the mascot with his new name as picked by some yenta.

I think I like my name better because it will be more suitable when the Steelers are getting ass-raped by the Miami Dolphins. I mean, look at him. He's sure got a purty mouth!

Wouldn't be much better if the team broke down and got body painted cheerleaders instead? Then the fans would start praying for rain and snow.

Can we assume that Mr. Steely McBeam is also unemployed like the rest of Pittsburgh's steelworkers? Rumor has it, he used to be a cage dancer at Pegasus.

Bluey's Fantasy League Return!

First, Bluey and his Ellwood City/Oakmont Rangers lit up the EHL (Existential Hardball League) to the tune of 5 fantasy baseball titles in 10 seasons (1994-2003).

Then, Bluey and his Pitt/SCM Piewizzards rampaged through the FHL, winning 6 fantasy hockey titles (4 of them consecutively) in 10 seasons (1996-2005).

Now as an encore, Bluey will tackle the Gridiron this year as his Hail Mary squad will take the field and look to continue it's fantasy success on a little patch of astroturf in Washington, PA.

Some of its' participants have already began trash talking Bluey's ability to unseat their former champions. Saying that the chance of that happening would be similar to that of an eighty yard hail mary pass with :01 seconds left in the 4th quarter. Thus the inspiration for the team name.

Bluey will be joined by Highmark as the two newest additions in a fantasy football league hosted by Tay's family members, Cali, B and Flav.

Let the punishment begin...

Hudson Park, That's Good Water!

When I was a kid, once in a blue moon, my parents used to buy bottled spring water. The first jug of spring water I ever saw was a half gallon jug of Deer Park. My Dad always said that bottled water was a complete sham because New York City had the purest water in the world with their expensive triple purification process. No one had cleaner water.

My sisters insisted that the Deer Park spring water was so much better than the tap water much to my Dad's chagrin. Other than being colder because it was kept in the fridge, I couldn't taste a difference. One day, when the Deer Park was running out, I had an idea. I filled up the Deer Park container with tap water and jokingly referred to it as "Hudson Park", born and purified out of the sewer that was New York's Hudson River.

My sisters continued to drink the "Hudson Park" without having any idea that they were drinking tap water. It wasn't until dinner one day, that they found out the truth after insisting that Deer Park's water had a better taste than the tap. I told them that I had been refilling the jug for weeks and that the water they had been enjoying was indeed "Hudson Park"! They were deflated and their argument blown out of the water, pun intended.

I guess my point is, paying for water is stupid unless you live in a third world country or have tainted well water. A story in today's news has Aquafina finally having to fully disclose that it's water source is not some distant cool mountain spring but the good old tap. Other brands also will now have to back off claims that their water is extracted from virgin glaciers in the arctic circle as well. It seems that many purified waters on the market share a common source, the tap.

So, stop being gullibulls like my sisters were and sit back, relax and enjoy the cool refreshment of a "Hudson Park", coming from the good folks at the local public water facility who have been turning your toilet and greywater into drinking water for 100 years!

Yummy!

Softball/BBQ Event

We couldn't have asked for better weather this past Saturday as it was in the low 70's with a nice breeze. The field at KO HS was pristine as expected. Fifteen players showed up to enjoy two 7 inning games at 11am.

The games were marked with lots of jovial ribbing and laughter. Participants, please feel free to add your stories to the comment section and I will include them in the body of this blog.

Game 1: Team Tay 14, Team Becky 11.

Team Stacey (Trimpdog, Timmee, Highmark, Meersky, Natey, Tay, Timamigo)

Team Becky (Choder, Hamdog, The Don, Rhino, Becky, B, Gunky, and Bluey)

Game 1 saw Team Tay race out to the early 5-0 lead after 3 innings only to enter the 7th inning with a 11-6 deficit. Team Tay scored 8 runs in their half of the 7th inning to take the lead and upset Team Becky by 3 runs.

Game 2: Team Tay 11, Team Becky 10.

Team Tay (Choder, Rhino, Tay, The Don, B, Gunky, Timamigo)

Team Becky (Timmee, Meersky, Hamdog, Natey, Becky, Trimpdog and Bluey)

Highmark caught as an injury prevented him playing on either side.

Game 2 saw Team Becky race out to an early 5-0 lead, lost it in the middle innings (5-5) and held a 10-5 lead until the 7th inning when Team Tay scored 6 runs in their half of the 7th inning to pin another heartbreaking comeback loss of 11-10 on Team Becky.

Both games were highly competitive and featured late rally victories.

Entertainment was provided by a KO HS female track team member who ran on the adjacent track in a skimpy t-shirt and short shorts. The highlight came when she decided to sit on the track 20 feet away from the field while facing us and proceeded to put on a clinic in flexibility. Rumor has it that Meersky has yet to stop drooling. He tawt he taw her ovaries!

The game marked the triumphant reurn of Hamdog from Columbus, who brought a friend, Rhino to join us. The Don brought his consiglierre, Natey and Timmee L. brought a buddy as well. Also in attendance was Tay's brother Gunky and her cousin B. The usual suspects rounded out the bunch. The game's were a blast and were immediately followed by a BBQ at Bluey's place.

The BBQ featured Highmark's wife and twin progeny, a surprise visit from Francois and his significant other from Redding, the Trimpdog boys, Bluey's gals, Choder's wife, The Don's wife Kay, and Tay's cousin LiLi and husband Cali.

Of course, as usual, the day went entirely too fast. Another softball event is in the plans for August. Thanks to everyone for coming and making the day a special one!

Bluey In Lockdown Mode

(contains no spoilers)

Aussie, Loni, Bebis, Kitty and I went to the midnight opening to pick up our copy of the last Harry Potter novel. We have two more copies being delivered this morning so that Loni, Aussie and I can read it simultaneously.

I've got a softball party/BBQ today, so after that is over, I'll pretty much go into radio silence mode until I finish the book.

Epilogue: Loni has finished the book at 11pm tonight. Although I told her not to say anything, she did give me an overall tone of the book.

I'm about halfway through the book after starting it Saturday night. I'm really bumming that this will be the last one, but realize that the ending of this book may not leave any other choice.

I should finish the book on Monday night.

I Want An Oompa-Loompa, Daddy!

Well, I'm almost through an entire week off with my four daughters, Aussie, Loni, Bebis and Kitty. The endless hum of their wants and desires have expressed a brain cancer similar to what I'd have if I wore a helmet of radiating cellphones 24-7.

After trips to the bowling alley, clothing and shoe stores, restaurants, movies, doctor's appointments, and countless other jaunts, I'm at my limit. Today, I had all four trying to talk me into going out to do their back to school shopping today. They pestered me for damn near two hours.

This has pretty much gone on all week. Every six minutes when one of them ask me for something, I respond in Ms. Veruca Salt's english accent, "I want an oompa-lumpa, daddy!!!!".

I'm usually a rock when it comes to denying the girl's requests for lip gloss, exfoliators, makeup, $6 shampoo and an assortment of crap they don't need, but I'm wearing down. Thank jesus I have company coming over tomorrow. I need a respite from the abuse.

"I want a cow that shits out Cadbury bars and shoots chocolate syrup out of its' milkers, daddy!!!!"

An Inconvenient Truth..."Your Son Is A Junkie!"

Granted, I'm sure Al Gore Senior is happy that his marijuana smoking, pill popping, 100 MPH driving son Al Gore III was driving an eco-friendly Toyota Prius at the time of his arrest by police. But, his tree hugging protege son may have pointed out a simple but inconvenient truth.

Maybe Al should have stopped globe trotting on his global warming speaking engagements and film making tours and stepped aside to do a little parenting over the past 7 years.

Even though this is his second such stop (he was pulled over doing 94 in one of the Carolinas) and that this time he was travelling with a personal stash of grass and five types of pills, I'm sure this will get pooh poohed by the local authorities and the mainstream media (except of course, the NY Post which lives for these stories). As long as the younger Gore keeps up his tree hugging ways, I'm sure he can do no wrong in Papa's eyes.

Next he'll be the reformed environmentalist and in thirty years the Democrats will push him for the presidency because we are a "nation of healing and understanding".

Way to go Junkie!