Saving The Lazy River!

Tay and I are superheroes...

We spent the past weekend at Splash Lagoon with our four daughters. While Tay and I enjoy the slide rides sometimes, we're getting to the age where the Lazy River is more our speed. Hell, if they served pina coladas in there, it would be perfect. Ok...maybe not.

If you've ever been to a water park, you probably know the biggest problem with the Lazy River setup.

It isn't even remotely Lazy. Hell, Splash Lagoon renamed it the Lazy, Crazy River!

The Lazy River should be the one place where everyone can relax and float around and enjoy a little serenity.

But what you get is a bunch of brats with tubes around them ramming and splashing people in a mad dash to get around the "track" as fast as possible. I saw a mother with a newborn this weekend almost get upended out of the tube by a group of misfits. The kids never looked back as mommy barely caught her baby from spilling into the drink.

Of course, their idiot parents are nowhere to be found. They unleash their little terrors on the general population with little to no regard to what they are up to. Mostly boys...big surprise there and some surprisingly, just "retarded" adults.

Sure, the lifeguard whistled at them but what exactly does that do...? Absolutely nothing!

Enter Tay and Bluey.

...and we had a plan!

Our plan was to clog up the lazy river, so that the kids had nowhere to go hence frustrating them into leaving the area. Tay and Bluey got a double tube and Kitty and Bebis had singles that helped flank our position. I crouched in my side of the double, so that I could use my feet to position the raft when I wanted. I especially hugged the turns on the inside, forcing the brats to the outside.

I used the turns to turn the Lazy River into a congested freeway, which made the straight aways impossible for the upstarts to navigate. They basically ended up fighting each other to get ahead a few inches. The lifeguards did their part by whistling the kids everytime their tubes rose out of the water into the air.

Most of the time I had my feet up in view of the lifeguards as I "innocently" enjoyed a relaxing ride.

As we rode the turns, Tay would do a "Christmas Story" Santa, going "Ho...Ho...Ho" as she used her feet to gently push the offending kids' tubes at times into the exit ramp as they tried to pass on the outside. They had no idea what was happening. One kid quit in disgust after being forced into the exit pool.

One by one, we'd hear the kids say, "This is really boring, let's go do something else". Tay and I would start chuckling like lunatics as I softly sung songs about "clogging"...

After about an hour of this...something wonderful happened. The Lazy River was "brat-free"! Well, except for me and Tay, that is!

We, then floated for another hour in relative peace. We saved the Lazy River!

Although I think we had much more fun thwarting bratty kids and breaking their spirit! What, does that say about us?

For a few hours, anyway, the Lazy River was actually a lazy river!

When Does It End?

Hey, remember the recent taxpayer's AIG bailout money that had 30+B secretly flow out to Goldman Sachs and foreign banks?

Goldman received about 13B from that AIG payment to be made whole.

Goldman Sachs, now, is theoretically, paying back their TARP bailout now with AIG bailout funds?

Honestly, Is nobody paying attention?

Goldman just robbed the American taxpayer and is getting away with it with blessings from Tim Geithner. Now, Tim Geithner is trying to exercise more power over financial institutions that took bailout money.

I guess the fox (Goldman Sachs) just escaped the coop with a henhouse full of chickens (taxpayer money) with the watchdog's (the Obama administration's) blessing!

Goldman has been made whole on the taxpayer's dime and will probably escape government scrutiny and be exempt from executive pay limitations. How convenient!

If Goldman Returns Aid, Will Others? - General * US * News * Story - CNBC.com
Source: www.cnbc.com
Goldman Sachs is planning to give back its TARP money soon. Very soon, actually — ideally within the next month, according to people involved in the process.

Tay Tay's Brand New Toy: The Honda Big Red!

We've needed a utility vehicle on our 10 acre farm for awhile and Tay Tay's been begging for a John Deere Gator for almost 2 years plus. Everytime we pass a neighbor of ours, she points out the fact that they have TWO freaking John Deere gators!

The first time she did this, I said to her..."What do you need a Gator for?"

"Well, I can drive down and pick up the mail with it."

"Pick up the mail? Are you kidding me? You need an expensive utility vehicle to pick up the mail? Are you nuts? We don't need to spend that much to make sure our mail makes it into the house."

I think that kind of crushed her because she had every opportunity to extol the virtues of having a utility and unfortunately the first thing she blurts out is the 40 yard drive to our mailbox.

At that point, every time she brought it up, I quickly joked about her getting the mail with it. She got to the point where she didn't think that she'd ever get one.

Until today...I surprised her by saying that we should drop by and take a look at a utility vehicle. She suggested the Honda Big Red instead of a Gator. The strange thing about it was that I'd been researching these vehicles for months and came to the same conclusion. Plus, her whole family is a "Honda...til death do us part" type of family.

So, cut to the chase. Tay got the vehicle of her dreams today! She's out with Bebis right now tooling around the farm. God, I think this purchase just turned her into a ten year old kid today. Isn't that awesome? Here are some pics from earlier!

...But In The Process, Tay Busts Her Ass!

Who to better tell this story than Tay herself? Here is Tay's email to her cousin LiLi:

"Read Rich's blog later if you want a good laugh. You'll never believe what he just bought me. I am quite possibly the most spoiled wife. The funny part of the post will be second, I think. I'll give you a heads up...well, you'll know why after reading this

We were at the Honda shop & waiting to fill out paper work, I got tired of walking around so I went to sit on a quad on the showroom floor, I didn't straddle it but just put one foot on the foot pedal & went to sit on it backwards like a bench. I was expecting a big flat seat like our quad so I sat way back, well the seat on those racers are very thin so when I sat down, the seat was like under the bend of my leg & the end of the seat was at like the top of my thigh. It was too late, all my weight was in the sit down mode. I had no balance what so ever & I went rolling ass over tin cup backwards off the quad. It was so fucking funny but I couldn't laugh because the worst part was that on those racer quads, they have big sharp teeth as foot pedals so you dont slip so when I fell down off the other side they cut squarely into my ass. It hurt so fucking bad that I was practically crying but of course also laughing because the showroom was full of people & I knew that everyone saw me. I also cut my middle finger & broke 2 nails. After I got up & got my bearings about me, I went into the bathroom & looked in the mirror & my ass was bleeding, You can see where 3 teeth went in.

How many times did we listen to our parents saying "you're going to fall & bust your ass"? I finally just went & did it myself. Yes, I busted my ass! How's that for a visual??"

Isn't Child Labor Wonderful?

Three of my daughters had CCD this past Sunday. With 10 minutes before we had to be there, I told them that I was going to the car and if they didn't come out in a minute, that I'd leave them home. My youngest daughter, Kitty, was out a minute later. Loni and Bebis were no-shows. Ten minutes later I pulled out of the driveway to drop off Kitty. Loni and Bebis thought they were going to get off scot free.

When I got home about 15 minutes later, I told Loni and Bebis to get their wood carrying clothes on and I proceeded to cut dead logs for the next hour plus. Their job was to pick up everything I cut and stack it in and behind the house, transporting the wood by wagon with the quad. They we're not exactly thrilled.

The job took approximately three hours. What do you think the chances they'll be late the next time are? I'm guessing slim to none.

Government Asleep At The Wheel!

While Barney Frank is obsessing over AIG's 160M bonus payouts to executives, the rest of the Obama team, who promised strict regulation on bailout money, let 90 BILLION walk out the door, with 32 BILLION going to foreign banks!

In essence, the US taxpayer just paid 32 Billion to foreign banks! Add another 13B to Obama's government advisor buddies at Goldman Sachs and instead of an AIG bailout, we got a covert bailout of other institutions, who were probably made whole on our dime.

The biggest recipients of the AIG money were Goldman Sachs at $12.9 billion, and three European banks -- France's Societe Generale at $11.9 billion, Germany's Deutsche Bank at $11.8 billion, and Britain's Barclays PLC at $8.5 billion.

Fucking heads better roll on this one and I hope Barney Frank pulls his head out of his ass long enough to realize which travesty should take immediate priority!

Of course, the media will probably focus on Frank's rattling over the 160M payout to executives instead of the real issue here. No surprise, you have to go to a foreign source to get a decent account.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/business/world/2266582/Goldman-milks-AIG-bailout

Update: Finally, a day later! The US media jumps into the fray! It's about time!

The NHL On The Brink Of Losing This Fan

I am about an eyelash away from washing my hands of the NHL. As the ball-less Hockey News pundits have been hammering away at just about any physical contact in the sport, thereby turning the NHL into a glorified ice capades, the NHL GMs are now in favor of eliminating any sort of "staged" hockey fight. This is their first step to eliminating fighting in the sport altogether. Once that happens, the NHL will become dead to me. I will forfeit my season tickets and find something else to spend my money on.

In another "unrelated" story, some "geniuses" released this story about youth hockey injuries. Uh...I hope they didn't waste too much money on that one. Pretty soon they'll determine that leg injuries from baseball are mostly caused by running the bases and eliminate running them altogether or figure out that tackling is the number one reason for concussions in football and start handing out waist flags.

Honestly...in the age of pussy'fication of sports, is it any wonder that folks flock to something I have utter disdain for? Ultimate fighting...

Sports figures make an incredible amount of money these days and are more unwilling to shed an ounce of blood for it as time goes by. Modern day gladiators they are not. Winning becomes less important than achieving individual glory. Less seasoned fans who don't know any better justify that the focus of sports should be on keeping the stars healthy rather than keep the competitiveness of the sport intact. Legislating injuries away now seems to be the norm. Stars in the sports play the game without any fear of contact. Guys in the NHL actually skate through the neutral zone with their heads down or with their backs to the play in front of the boards with no fear of getting lit up...it sickens me.

Who ever said that playing sports was safe?

Our sports are slowly being deteriorated by "bitches" who never scraped a knee on concrete, let alone put on a set of pads. If you are offended by this comment...I was talking about Gary Bettman, but you probably qualify as well.

I once dove face first into a metal chain link fence in centerfield to catch a fly ball in little league. I was ugly for a few weeks and I'm pretty sure I got a concussion. I did it because I wanted to win at all costs. That's what sports should be about...sacrificing the body if need be, to win.

Well, those days seem to be long gone and I really thought I'd be writing this type of crotchety article when I was 60, not 43. I guess with the new brand of player out there, my favorite past-times will have to change.

But, this edict will kill hockey anyway. The pseudo fans will be there, but the heart and soul will be gone.

Women's Field Hockey anyone? Now there's a sport I can get behind!

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang at the Benedum

Tay, the girls and I grabbed a quick dinner at TGI Fridays and went to see the musical version of the children's classic movie last night. It was very good and the music was impeccably performed with such classics as "You Two", "Truly Scrumptious", "Toot Sweet", "Hushabye Mountain", Chu Chi Face", "Doll On A Musicbox" and many others.

Great show for the kids! We were dancing in our seats and when Chitty came to life and started driving across the stage and flying, it was incredibly magical!

Let's Roast Some Porky Senators!

How about we build a big bonfire and roast 20 senators for their woefully piggy earmarks added to the most recent spending bills?

I mean, honestly...we really need to weed out these jokers, both Democrats and Republicans. I'm tired of having to pay for their frigging nonsense pet projects.

Here's a breakdown of the top 20 earmarking senators and the value of their solo earmarks:

1) Sen. Robert Byrd, D-W.Va. -- $122,804,900
2) Sen. Richard Shelby, R-Ala. -- $114,484,250
3) Sen. Kit Bond, R-Mo. -- $85,691,491
4) Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif. -- $76,899,425
5) Sen. Thad Cochran, R-Miss. -- $75,908,475
6) Sen. Lisa Murkowski, R-Alaska -- $74,000,750
7) Sen. Tom Harkin, D-Iowa -- $66,860,000
8) Sen. Jim Inhofe, R-Okla. -- $53,133,500
9) Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Ky. -- $51,186,000
10) Sen. Daniel Inouye, D-Hawaii -- $46,380,205
11) Sen. Patty Murray, D-Wash. -- $39,228,250
12) Sen. Byron Dorgan, D-N.D. -- $36,547,100
13) Sen. Pat Leahy, D-Vt. -- $36,161,125
14) Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill. -- $35,577,250
15) Sen. Bob Casey, D-Pa. -- $27,169,750
16) Sen. Harry Reid, D-Nev. -- $26,628,613
17) Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa. -- $25,320,000
18) Sen. Herb Kohl, D-Wis. -- $23,832,000
19) Sen. Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y. -- $21,952,250
20) Former Sen. Pete Domenici, R-N.M. -- $19,588,625

A New Class of Travelers: Carry-On Retards

They walk up to the airport gate with their suitcase and a backpack that looks like it has a human being stuffed inside. They don't give a fuck how much airplane overhead space they'll take up. They struggle to put an eighty pound 44" suitcase into an overhead compartment. They squash everything already in the compartments, including laptops, in an attempt to fit a suitcase that frankly, SHOULD HAVE FUCKING BEEN CHECKED IN at the check-in counter.

Of course, many of these folks have been doing this for years in an effort to skip the trip to baggage pickup but many have been created by the stupid airlines' new bag charge policies.

Here's a novel thought. Charge the bag fees for the retards who stuff the plane full of their luggage instead of penalizing the rest of us who put our luggage in the proper place on the plane, the fucking cargo hold!

Now, in addtion to squeezing my body into a seat for five hours, my legroom disappears because I had the audacity to carry-on a laptop computer. I'd put it in overhead storage but the folks in the first 10 rows of a 30 row plane used every fucking inch of overhead space! So legs, let me introduce you to my laptop for five fucking hours!

One stupid bitch almost killed an elderly lady by nearly dropping her huge bag on her head because it weighed too much to lift or remove from above.

How difficult is it to check in your bags? Quit being such cheap ass bastards and show a little courtesy to those around you, you fucking inconsiderate jackasses!

You got to love a security system that makes some girl remove her flip flops for a bomb but allows so much luggage to be allowed in the overhead areas. Does that make any sense whatsoever? Not to me.

I'd rather the airlines forced folks to check in EVERYTHING, than continue this nonsense system.

Hey fuckers...if you can't part with your luggage, do the rest of us a favor and drive there yourselves.

We Ko Pa GC: La Cholla

All I can say is wow!

The La Cholla course was very challenging and visually stunning.

Shot a 63 on the front nine and a 57 on the back nine.

Talk about target golfing...

Each hole had lots of sand and the out of bounds was desert.

Awesome, awesome course!

Radisson Fort McDowell Resort

Oh baby...this is the life!

Bluey definitely likes Arizona...

...in the wintertime at least!

Another gorgeous day. I wouldn't feel too bad as a NY Ranger fan sending Nigel Dawes, Peter Prucha and Dmitri Kalinen here in a trade. I think you did those guys a favor!

Of course I haven't run into a hockey fan from Phoenix yet but does that really surprise anyone?

For the record, I haven't run into a Cardinals fan yet either...

Cactus Says F-U: Bluey And Tay Go West!

Tay and I arrived in Arizona earlier this afternoon. It is quite gorgeous and the weather is a temperate 70 degrees with a nice breeze.

Tay has a Maidpro convention and I'm just being a bum. I'm planning on a massage tomorrow and a round of golf at the We-Ko-Pa Cholla course on Saturday.

Unfortunately, it turned out Tay's schedule is booked and the Grand Canyon is 4+ hours away, so we won't have an opportunity to see it this time.

Our resort is surrounded on three sides by an Indian reservation. It is absolutely pristine here only about 15 miles outside of Phoenix.

It doensn't get any better than this. I needed a vacation as I've been getting way too bitter lately.

Now I gotta go find myself a scorpion to scare Tay Tay with. See ya!