Saving The Lazy River!

Tay and I are superheroes...

We spent the past weekend at Splash Lagoon with our four daughters. While Tay and I enjoy the slide rides sometimes, we're getting to the age where the Lazy River is more our speed. Hell, if they served pina coladas in there, it would be perfect. Ok...maybe not.

If you've ever been to a water park, you probably know the biggest problem with the Lazy River setup.

It isn't even remotely Lazy. Hell, Splash Lagoon renamed it the Lazy, Crazy River!

The Lazy River should be the one place where everyone can relax and float around and enjoy a little serenity.

But what you get is a bunch of brats with tubes around them ramming and splashing people in a mad dash to get around the "track" as fast as possible. I saw a mother with a newborn this weekend almost get upended out of the tube by a group of misfits. The kids never looked back as mommy barely caught her baby from spilling into the drink.

Of course, their idiot parents are nowhere to be found. They unleash their little terrors on the general population with little to no regard to what they are up to. Mostly boys...big surprise there and some surprisingly, just "retarded" adults.

Sure, the lifeguard whistled at them but what exactly does that do...? Absolutely nothing!

Enter Tay and Bluey.

...and we had a plan!

Our plan was to clog up the lazy river, so that the kids had nowhere to go hence frustrating them into leaving the area. Tay and Bluey got a double tube and Kitty and Bebis had singles that helped flank our position. I crouched in my side of the double, so that I could use my feet to position the raft when I wanted. I especially hugged the turns on the inside, forcing the brats to the outside.

I used the turns to turn the Lazy River into a congested freeway, which made the straight aways impossible for the upstarts to navigate. They basically ended up fighting each other to get ahead a few inches. The lifeguards did their part by whistling the kids everytime their tubes rose out of the water into the air.

Most of the time I had my feet up in view of the lifeguards as I "innocently" enjoyed a relaxing ride.

As we rode the turns, Tay would do a "Christmas Story" Santa, going "Ho...Ho...Ho" as she used her feet to gently push the offending kids' tubes at times into the exit ramp as they tried to pass on the outside. They had no idea what was happening. One kid quit in disgust after being forced into the exit pool.

One by one, we'd hear the kids say, "This is really boring, let's go do something else". Tay and I would start chuckling like lunatics as I softly sung songs about "clogging"...

After about an hour of this...something wonderful happened. The Lazy River was "brat-free"! Well, except for me and Tay, that is!

We, then floated for another hour in relative peace. We saved the Lazy River!

Although I think we had much more fun thwarting bratty kids and breaking their spirit! What, does that say about us?

For a few hours, anyway, the Lazy River was actually a lazy river!