Birdmen of Alcatraz 155, Bluey's Hail Mary 145

The Hail Mary (6-5) are on life support after a narrow defeat to the Northern Division's 2nd place team. A win would have made a playoff spot pretty much a no-brainer but the Mary came up short.

Mike Shanahan's timeout call to cool off Rob Bironas' 54 yd FG attempt backfired and a missed FG became a 6 pt play when he nailed the rekick.

The Hail Mary face a must win game versus Blicious.

BS Poker - Gordo, Fare Thee Well Night!

If you missed Saturday, Nov. 17th's insane incantation of BS Poker, you sure missed a lot.

We had a record attendence. Attendees included Gordo, Gavo, Meersky, Poppinfresh (+Erie), Highmark, Bluey (+Tay), Irish, Griffin, Choder (+Ames), Francois (+Kimee), Cali (+LiLi), Felatio (Aka The Don), and last but certainly not least, all the way from Awahoo, Senor Hamdog.
The night was conceived as a proper send off to Gordo, who is returning to Florida whilst his Pittsburgh crack house in Edgewood/Swissvale is up for sale.

But Highmark might have received the harshest sendoff of all on Saturday night. With 12-13 guys around the table, we chose to dismiss the reverse in order from hand to hand in order to get the cards to everyone as much as possible. Highmark started the night taking cards from Bluey during the first half and ended the night taking them from Gavo. In the end, he felt similar to the mouse on the bottom of the picture above.

Some excerpts from Highmark's salesmen:

Bluey: "I've got a pair of kings and a pair of queens"
Highmark: "I thought you said that you have kings and aces?"
Bluey: "No, did I? Why? Do you want kings and aces?"
Highmark: "Sure (sarcastically)"
Bluey: "Okay, you've got it. A pair of kings and a pair of aces!"

Gavo: "I discarded the lowest high card. I don't know what a straight is, but whatever Irish handed me is legit. But it has an eight in it, now. So it's a straight with an eight. What ever that means. Listen, I'm just giving you what he gave me. Which isn't much. Or maybe it is, but I wouldn't know."
Highmark: "Are you fucking kidding me?"

A shell-shocked Highmark swallowed the cards in both instances.

Bluey (after being handed those cards from Highmark): "bullshit!'
Highmark: (not even trying to sell it because it came from Gavo): "You are right, it's total garbage"

In both instances, Highmark grabbed his throbbing temple with both hands and wished he was back home feeding and diapering his kids.

Even Hamdog was in true form, making all kinds of side bets on the table's action, and adding to Highmark's misery.

Hamdog: "Side bet....... the pair isn't there"
(Highmark loses again)
Hamdog: "See, you owe me a quarter"
Highmark: "I didn't make any fucking bet with you"

All in all, Highmark ended up with 6 totes on his 8's tote board, which included two doubles for three of a kind 8's.

But the night had plenty of action all around the table, which included newbies Cali and Francois.
Even Cupcake showed up for the festivities, holding up a German potato masher and inquiring:

Cupcake: "There is a fuse in here, is this thing real?" (holding the inert WWII German grenade)
Gavo: "No wonder the pollacks lost the war."
Highmark: "Right Cupcake, we play poker with live 70 year old munitions. And me without my mortar round"

Gavo, who is well known for his ability to depreciate hands, didn't turn a straight into a pair of jacks, but offered this tasty downgrade.

Gordo to Gavo : "A ten a seven and a nine"
Gavo to Choder: "A ten a seven and a six"

The quote of the night also came from Gavo who was holding 3 7's before giving them to Highmark: "I actually drew that 4th seven but threw it out because I didn't know how it would improve the hand!"

Other notable lines:
From Gordo: "Don't Fuckin' look at me...","Zieg Heil"
From Choder: "I'm not the Mayor (of Swallower's Row)!"
Traditional Favorites: "Do I want those cards?" , "You want these cards!", "You can't handle the cards!!!!"
From Hamdog, Gavo and Highmark: The Shingles conversation (you had to be there).

We dined on Mineo's pizza and got to watch clips from Gavo's movie as well. And Meersky for once was not a human stop sign. Go figure!

Please feel free to add your memories to the comments section. It may take my abdominal muscles months to heal from laughing so hard. Thanks to all for making the night pure gold!

Click on the video link above for a small taste of the evening. "I'm Not The Mayor"

Just Trying To Be Neighborly!

The other day, a next door neighbor came and asked me to hold her step ladder, so she could replace some light bulbs around her house.

Being the fine Christian I am, of course I obliged and was more than happy to spend as much time as necessary to complete the job.

As I laboriously proceeded from one room to another, we must have replaced about 420 burnt out light bulbs.

You can't say that I don't go the extra mile to help my fellow man (or woman).

I went home, feeling quite good about myself, thinking

For some reason, Tay is upset.

I can't imagine why..........

Special thanks to Gordo for finding this nugget! It's great that we all don't have to work for a living!

Bluey's Hail Mary 130, Flavorfools 116

AP: Bedrock

Bluey's Hail Mary eek out another close win over the Flavorfools to maintain in a second place tie with a record of 6-4.

With LJ out, the Hail Mary also lost Adrian Peterson and things are looking pretty glum if neither running back returns.

The Feud

People who know me, know what a competitive person I am. My fiancée, Tay, is pretty much the same way. One of the things we like to do while we watch Family Feud (which, amazingly, is still on the air!), is see who can come up with the most #1 answers during a given episode. Of course, I dubbed myself the “#1 answer machine” and in the past have routinely dispatched of Tay in previous matchups.

Last night, we we’re watching the Feud and things went horribly wrong. Tay immediately scored a #1 right off the bat and took a 1-0 lead. I didn’t feel too bad though because it was a “chick” question, something having to do with things women wear.

The second question was “Thing that you would want a lifetime supply of”. Tay answered “Money”, which turned out to be the #1 answer by far with 58% responding. I immediately started protesting.

“That is a stupid answer. Asking for a lifetime supply of money is tantamount to having a lifetime supply of just about everything else (except for some ephemeral choices such as happiness, peace or love). That’s fucking bogus!”

“Stop being such a sore loser. I’m up 2-0. Besides, your answer was absolutely ridiculous”

At this time, there is only one more answer left on the board.

“If my answer was so stupid, if it’s up there, will you give me the point for the round?”

“Absolutely”, Tay replied.

And the final answer, garnering 3 votes, was “toilet paper”.

“Yes!!!” (I start laughing uncontrollably)

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“1-1 tie….Yes!!!!”

“That is bullshit. Who in their right mind would say toilet paper?”

“Apparently, there are three other people in the world that appreciate having a clean ass other than me”.

“Unbelievable”, Tay sulks.

In the third round, neither one of us manages a point, but we agree to award half a point for the next highest answer. The category is “things associated with Holland”. I select Windmills (#3), while Tay selects Wooden Shoes (#2). We both are surprised our answers are not #1’s. Tulips is the #1 answer. My secondary answer, Dykes…er…I mean Dikes, comes in at #5. But this puts Tay up 1.5-1 point with one round left.

The question is “Words that rhyme with Nerd”.

Tay shouts Bird and is awarded the #1 answer and apparent victory. More answers are given until only one is left. I immediately go into begging mode because my answer is disgusting.

“Please let me win if my answer is up there. C’mon, there is no way my answer will be on a family show”, I plead.

Tay, caught up in her victory, says “Sure, though there’s not a chance in hell your word is up there. But, if it’s not, you have to give up the other point you won with toilet paper too”. She is incredibly smug thoroughly assured of her victory. I quickly agree to her terms.

No one gets the last answer on the show, so in unison, as usual the crowd reads the final answer not chosen.

“TURD!”

“YES!!!!!! I win, I win (rolling off the bed laughing to the point of choking to death)”

“That doesn’t count…I still win”

“Oh, no you didn’t. You promised. I win! (finally catching my breath)”

Tay is defeated and glum. “You have to give me my win back”.

“No way!”, I childishly respond. “I won fair and square”.

“You did not!”

“I did too. It’s not my fault that you were so sure of victory that you would gamble it away to go for the shutout.”

Tay is still brooding over her loss.

Warriors 182, Bluey's Hail Mary 174.

The Hail Mary again stumble and fail to establish themselves as a legitimate playoff threat, falling back to 5-4, which keeps them in a tie for second place in the North.

The Warriors put a stranglehold on the division at 7-2.

My New BATV, DirecTV and My Policy

On Friday night, Tay and I hauled a Sony 60" LCD Projection TV from my office, courtesy of Poppinfresh, and set it up in her livingroom. I call it my big-ass TV.

I've never had a TV larger than 27". I sat there and was absolutely mesmorized. Needless to say, I spent the better part of the weekend watching hockey and football on the huge screen and was pretty useless to Tay. I had just gotten DirecTV a few months ago to get the NFL package, so the timing of the TV was perfect.

And then I called DirecTV to upgrade our standard receiver to an HD receiver. The guy I talked to was pretty annoying and the background noise in his office was deafening. I could barely hear him. I was thinking that DirecTV must be operating sweatshops in Indonesia for their existing customer service lines.

He told me what it would cost. It sounded reasonable and I said "okay, go ahead and ship the bad boy". And then he tells me something else.

"I'm going to have to charge you an additional $50 because you haven't been a customer of ours for that long"

"What?"

"You've only had service for two months, so we will charge you $50 which will be returned to you in $5 increments over the next ten months"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Surely you did a credit check on me when i signed up for service in the first place. I don't see a need for such nonsense."

"Sorry, that's our policy"

"You know what my policy is?"

"No."

"You can go fuck yourself for the $50!"

I hung up the phone. Sure, it was pretty juvenile but it sure felt good. I guess DirecTV must be doing pretty good to treat their existing consumer base so shabbily. I guess paying your first two bills on time is not enough for them to float you a $99 HD receiver.

Well, they can kiss my ass. I'm sure at some point, they'll offer a free upgrade and I won't have to pay a dime. What a bunch of jerkoffs.

Sure, I'm cheap and now I won't have HD for the rest of the NFL season. But I'll be damned if I send DirecTV a $50 loan, so they can provide me with a HD receiver.

How ridiculous.

Bluey's World: 2nd Anniversary

All I can say is wow! I never in a million years thought that I'd be able to keep it going for two years. God knows if anybody is listening, but I'm still talking.

Isn't that what really matters?

Bluey's Hail Mary 155, Donkeypuchers 126

AP: Skeevemont, PA:



The Hail Mary improved to 5-3, by avoiding the donkey punch and administering the "Poke In The Eye", leaving the DPers helpless and vulnerable to further abuse via the "Hail Mary" in last Sunday's matchup.

Next up are the first place Warriors with first place on the line!

"Tay, Will You Marry Me?"

Today, Tay, the girls and I went for a family walk through the woods to a scenic field on top of her Dad's farm overlooking the valley.

I let the girls know earlier the true purpose of this walk, except for Kitty, who was baking with Tay most of the day.

As we neared the top, we stood and took in the breathtaking view on a brisk sunny Sunday afternoon. I turned to Tay and said:

"What a beautiful day. You know what would make this day so much better?"

"No...what?"

I dropped to a knee. "Tay, will you marry me?"

Tay cries for about 2 minutes, then realizes that she hasn't answered me.

"Well?"

"Yes, of course I will!"

Tay cries for another 5 minutes and Tay, Aussie, Loni, Bebis, Kitty and I form one big pack for a group hug and kisses.

Then the girls proceed to dog pile on top of us and start rolling down the hill in celebration.

Aussie snapped a picture of the moment and I will post it soon.

So to all my friends and family, we're engaged!

Triple Cow Office Chair

My company is in the process of moving to a new location. We are all getting new chairs courtesy of Poppinfresh. However, whilst everyone is ordering new leather desk chairs, Erie is pushing for Poppinfresh and as many others she can convince, to get "Pleather" (fake leather) chairs.

When she came into my office to plead her case, she wrote "Save the Cows" on my whiteboard and drew a cowhead.

I told her that I wanted a "triple cow chair".

She asked "What's that?"

"It's a leather chair that three cows had to be sacrificed for to make", I replied.

I then added to her drawing to illustrate how I wanted my finished product to look.

Hence, the triple cow office chair! Of course, the other two heads either ended up in the landfill or could be used as bookends in Poppinfresh's bookcase. I haven't decided yet.

Yabba Dabba Doo! Hail Mary 157, Flavorfools 74

AP: Bedrock, PA:

Bluey's Hail Mary was able to right the ship as Peyton Manning led the troops to a much needed victory in Bedrock versus Freddie's Fools. Flavorfool coach, Mr. Slate called his team's performance disappointing and cancelled tomorrow's scheduled day off. He said that his "soft" team would be putting time in his rock quarry to get in shape for next week.

The Hail Mary improves to 4-3 and now trail division co-leader Warriors and Birdmen (both 5-2) by one game. Four teams, including 4-3 Blicious are vying for the Northern Division's two playoff spots.

Next up on the slate are the Donkeypunchers.

Heads Roll! Hail Mary Sends Jacobs Packing!

After Monday nights' fiasco involving RB Brandon Jacobs' sore vagina on the sidelines, Bluey's Hail Mary GM, Special Ed went into a spittle spraying rage and sent Jacobs candy-ass to ProDonor in a package that brought WR Reggie Wayne.


Even 40pt scorer Wes Welker was caught in the crossfire when he complained about Special Ed getting goop on his game ball. Wes and Donte Stallworth were throw-ins in the deal.

Third party sources involved tell a story of Hail Mary coach, Don Shula, telling Jacobs that the team was 16 yards shy of victory and to "get his fat lazy ass back in the game!". When Jacobs refused, his fate was sealed. Special Ed came screaming into the locker room with a tube of Vagisil after the game to yell at Jacobs, informing him not to expect to be wearing his uniform next week. As Welker walked by the scene, some Vagisil got mistakenly squirted on his game ball and as he started to complain, a scuffle ensued between Special Ed and Welker. Stallworth unfortunately came between them.

The Hail Mary (3-3) are clearly in disarray after their heartbreaking loss to Blicious. Morale is low and management felt a sledgehammer was the best way to bring about a change in attitude in the locker room.

Reggie Wayne comes in to be the Hail Mary WR3, behind Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmandzadeh. New QB Peyton Manning was ecstatic to hear the news of being reunited with his former receiver.

Week 7's match-up against the Flavorfools is critical. A loss pretty much dooms the franchise's inaugural season.

Clash Of The Titans: Blicious 189, Hail Mary 184.

What a matchup! Our two squads finish 1-2 for the week but the Hail Mary are unfortunate enough to run into the steamroller that was Blicious.

Brandon Jacobs shit his pants, needing only 18 points to carry the Hail Mary to victory on Monday night, he exited the game late in the 3rd quarter with a sissy sprained ankle, 16 yards short.

Bluey's Hail Mary experiment falls to 3-3 and Peyton Manning makes his Hail Mary debut against the Flavorfools this coming weekend. It's early, but I'd call it a must win game versus Flav owner, Freddie Flinstone.

Bow Chicka Bow Wow

Remember the Brady Bunch? Remember this song from childhood?

Homo we go,
Les' be on our way.
I love you, you love me
that's homosexuality!

There's a story today running that Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormick) has a new book out today that will touch on some very Brady girl-on-girl action.

If loving you is wrong....

I don't want to be right...

Black and Bluey Durango

I bought a companion used Black 2007 Durango to go with my White 2004 Durango.

I guess you can say that my 2004 Durango was lonely and wanted some lovin'.

Or you could say that with Tay and our four daughters, we finally outgrew the Durango without the third seat.

I actually splurged for a vehicle with 4WD, so now I won't spin tires up tay's driveway or worry about dying in Western PA's snowbelts.

It's main purpose will be winter driving and carting around my five peteys. We've already come up with an idea for the license plate.

5PETEYS

Bluey Drives The Herd!

This past Sunday, I was pulled away from the Dallas-New England game to help herd about 50 or so cattle from Tay and her Dad's property back into the neighbor's pasture.

"The neighbor's cattle broke through the fence and are on Dad's property"

"Really? Did someone call him?

"C'mon, get up. We're going to help dad herd the cattle back onto the neighbor's property."

"What? You're kidding right?"

"No, c'mon"

"I ain't no fucking cattle shepherd. I'm from New York City. I don't want to be trampled by cattle"

"C'mon, we'll use the quads and baseball bats to herd them."

"What?......I'm not slamming some cow with a bat! They'll charge and trample me!"

"Will you get up already!"

"Are you serious? They're not even your dad's cattle. Let someone else die for the neighbors' cows."

"C'mon already!"

"Okay."

And so began Bluey's first experience herding Texas Longhorn cattle using multiple quads, as Stacey worked the gates and her dad and I rode quads like horses and were able to herd about 10 or so cattle back onto the neighbors pasture. Thank God I didn't have to use baseball bats but I was worried at one point when Tay's Dad was herding them towards me and I had to guide them to the gate on the quad. I had visions of getting flipped off the quad and gored right in the ass by a few big bulls.

The other 40 cattle proved too stupid to return to their pasture as they streamed by their gate with our last ditch effort. We left the rest for more experienced hands than mine.

And I was able to escape with only one asshole thankfully, but I got my first experience "riding the herd".

Get em up, move 'em out...Rawhide!

Manning A Mary!

AP: Skeevemont, PA:

Bluey's Hail Mary GM, Special Ed pulled off the coup of the trading season by securing the rights of Peyton Manning from JusticeLeagueNow. Peyton will replace former Hail Mary quarterback Phillip Rivers as the new starter. Also included in the deal was Jerricho Cotchery and Marvin Harrison.

Hail Mary coach, Don Shula, expects nothing short of a championship from his new field general. The Hail Mary (3-2) are currently in a four way tie for second place in their division which finds every team sporting over a .500 winning percentage.

Current Hail Mary Roster:
QB Peyton Manning/Jay Cutler/Jason Campbell
RB1 Larry Johnson
RB2 Adrian Peterson/Brandon Jacobs/Maurice Jones-Drew/Ladel Betts
WR1 Chad Johnson
WR2 TJ Houshmandzadeh
WR3 Brandon Marshall/Wes Welker
TE Owen Daniels/Greg Olsen
K Nick Folk
D/ST New England Patriots

Bluey's Hail Mary 118, Birdmen of Alcatraz 106

AP: Alcatraz, CA:

The Hail Mary (3-2) got back in the win column by defeating the Birdmen in a hotly contested game played in the home team's prison yard.

After slugging it out all day Sunday afternoon, it came down to kickers to decide the result. The Hail Mary's Nick Folk outkicked Birdman Robby Gould to seal the victory.

Next up: Ohhhh Blicious!

2007 Fall Pilgrimage: Here Comes The Sun!

During the Spring 2007 pilgrimage, we were unable to field many outdoor activities due to the horribly cold and rainy weather. It rained almost nonstop the whole weekend.

This Fall Pilgrimage more than made up for it as we enjoyed the beautiful 80 degree weather by relaxing beachside, doing some kayaking and getting some swimming in!

Contrary to Las Vegas oddsmakers, Halo 3 did not ruin the pilgrimage, as surprisingly, a very minimal amount of the game was played.

Friday afternoon's golf event saw a nail biting finish as The Don (51) successfully defended his championship edging Sparrow by a stroke, Bluey by 3 and the Handyman by 4. The scores were uncharacteristically atrocious and represented the first time a score in the 50's won the event.

Saturday's Softball event saw the Genuises (Sparrow, Este, Poppinfresh, The Don, rent-a-tard Karlos and Bluey) dominate the SRU Tards (Meersky, Irish, Handyman, Special Ed, Francois and Choder) in a mercy rule shortened 4 inning game, 17-2. Genius hitters were unmerciful as every starter, save Bluey, pounded out at least 5 hits. Este had clutch RBIs just about every trip at bat. Poppinfesh picked up the win, pitching the first inning and Bluey recorded the save, mopping up the final three frames in relief.

Axis and Allies was won by the Allies (Meersky-Russia, Handyman-US, Francois-Britain) over the Irish Nazis (Highmark as Hitler and Irish as Japan).

I missed the Stones and Texas Hold'em tournaments due to painful cramped calf muscles caused by horsing around with the football and the frisbee in Lake Erie with the guys. Someone, please forward the winners, so I can post them for posterity.

Horseshoes were cancelled because everyone feared the Handyman/Bluey connection. We will now go down in Pilgrimage lore as the third tandem to hold the Horseshoe title for at least 1 and a half years while ending their reign undefeated (Meersky/TDog, Meersky/Bluey previously). Handy's miss next Spring will probably end our title run.

Jen was also called multiple times by pilgrimagers which makes any future appearance by Handyman tenuous at best.

All in all, a very relaxing pilgrimage. The nice weather was a great change of pace. For those I missed on Sunday morning, thanks for a wonderful weekend!