Smoking Gun: The Magic Bullet Theory, Chapter 1

"Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?
Hey Joe, I said where you goin' with that gun in your hand?
Alright. I'm goin down to shoot my old lady,
you know I caught her messin' 'round with another man."

It was a Saturday sometime this past fall. A beautiful day, sunny, with a nice breeze. Tay and I were sitting on her back deck enjoying the fresh air rousing us to wakefulness after sleeping in. We were chit-chatting when Tay mentioned that she had a paintball gun. She said she kept it loaded for self defense. I kinda chuckled at the notion of a paintball gun used for that purpose but, hey, it's really not that bad of an idea. She also said it was good for shoo-ing away stray dogs, especially when Petey is in heat.

"Go get it", I said. "I want to play with it". Tay obliged.

When I went to use it, it was jammed with paint, so I took it apart and cleaned it until it was in proper working order. Unfortunately, it was also out of CO2. So off to gander Mountain we went to replenish the CO2 and her ammunition.

When we returned, I started squeezing off rounds at propane tanks and tree trunks. I told her how I could not be trusted with a paintball gun because it was a situation similar to that of Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes fame), who said while holding a croquet mallet during a "gentlemanly" game with Hobbes, "I can tell you the temptation to misuse these is awful." Needless to say, I'd pick out a knot in a tree trunk and pretend it was Tay's heiny while she was bent over gardening. I'd squeeze off a few rounds with deadly accuracy, painting the knot green with nary a miss.

Tay turns to me and says, "You've got issues".

"You're just figuring this out now?" I exclaimed.

"How about I take you around on the quad and you can shoot stuff?" Tay offered.

"Really?....

"Sure, let's go" Tay replied, "We'll take Shadow and Petey (her dogs) for a run".

Hot damn, I got the coolest girlfriend. So we mount the quad, loaded for bear. I'm hoping to "paint" a few deer while were out. Put the fear of God into them and maybe they'll actually survive the hunting season. Well, that was my warped justification anyway.

But after a few miles of tooling around, I didn't find much to shoot at, so we pulled over. Tay got off the quad and walked to a gate that housed some of the neighbor's bulls.

She climbed up the gate and leaned over the fence about 20 feet away from me. She was in an incredibly prone position with her gluteal area pointing towards the quad that I was sitting on.

(the sound of a gunshot echoes through the valley)

Tay is hit. Green paint oozes on her inner thigh. She climbs down the gate cursing. She turns around and....

Stay tuned for Chapter 2.