Bluey's 10 New Year's Resolutions:

10. Spend more time figuring out what the buttons do on my new Xbox360 wireless controller. (Where's the diamond?) Also, get my Xbox live account switched over so I can start the year fresh by irritating Supermonkey with fresh racial taunts.

9. Try to get back into double digits for the number of alcohol containing drinks consumed for the year. Woody's sip of champagne at midnight on New Year's eve only got him to nine for the year!

8. Use the word "smegma" more often in daily conversation. Smegma is a Bluey originated word from back in the day that referred to an offensive looking and smelling unidentified substance. Smegma is brought to you by the letter S.

Authors note: Apparently Bluey was full of hot air when he laid claim to the derivation of the word smegma. Please refer to the following Wikipedia link:(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smegma#Smegma_in_popular_culture

Thanks to Choder for pointing out this fallacy! Although, I'd argue against it, it's use in a Monty Python skit when I was three years old, pretty much voids any claim I can make. I still plan to use the word more but hope that the Monty Python troupe members that are still alive get ass cancer for stealing my pre-school material.

7. Finding an actual "Pigsknuckle Paradise" restaurant and taking my kids there as punishment for giving me cancer over the three of them never being able to settle on a restaurant.

6. Refusing to wash my hockey equipment until I am a walking open bottle of vinegar in the locker room, thereby forcing my hockey team to finally free up the #6 jersey for me (I currently wear #16, because some callous individual refuses to part with it).

5. Get a new dartboard for selecting stocks.

4. Spend less time with Tay, weaning her off the overdose of Vitamin R that I seemed to provide her in 2006. Allowing her to provide me with more home-cooked meals. This goes hand in hand with her resolution (not taking me for granted). This will put our relationship in my comfort zone of having a personal slave who caters to my every whim. (Yes!)

3. Invent a device that turns off my hearing for the times that I am visiting my mother. If I am unsuccessful, I may just be the first person to ever die from cochlea cancer.

2. Attach a snowplow blade to the front of my Durango, so that I can just plow "shrivs" and morons using cellphones in their cars, out of my way when I'm driving.

1. Put the same sort of computer answering service on my cellphone that the utilities companies have on their customer "help" lines. (If you really need to talk to Bluey, please press 9 now). This way I can go all of 2007 without taking any phone calls. I'm starting to use 200 minutes regularly each month and I'm not happy about it. At this rate, the radiowaves from my phone will give me brain cancer by 2014.

Happy New Year to all!

Hopefully we can all avoid getting cancer for at least one more year!