Happy, Happy Halloween!!!

And to the Hollywood idiots of the world, don't forget to put on the Silver Shamrock masks I sent you before you click on the...Special Halloween Give-Away Link

Kafka and Klendathu Welcome You!

"Happy, happy Halloween...halloween...halloween...., happy, happy halloween....................silver shamrock!"


Just Another Retarded Actor

I have no personal beef with Michael J. Fox specifically. It's just that I cringe whenever actors use their pulpit to comment on political, scientific and social issues.

The problem stems from the fact that most actors don't know jack about anything other than the entertainment business. Using their fame to try to persuade voters on issues that they hardly understand is just as crooked as government representatives buying and selling their votes to support each other's legislation.

Liberal/Conservative issue has nothing to do with it. Do I want Michael J. Fox to tell me how to fix my car, invest my retirement money, or hit a curveball? No, because, chances are he knows next to nothing about any of these three things. But for some reason it doesn't stop the parade of thespian retards from commenting on issues they know nothing about. Next, we'll be listening to Mel Gibson talk about sensitivity and the plight of the Jewish people. These folks should just keep their mouths shut unless they have some sort of significant background from which to draw from. It doesn't help that we have a legion of retards that hang on every breath these people take. So, we are partially to blame for giving these folks this entitlement of power.

Anyway, Mr. Fox stumps for a Missouri Democratic candidate based on the support of a measure written to expand stem cell research which he proclaims the Republican candidate to be against. Of course, his personal battle with Parkinson's disease and a possible stem cell research based cure is the real issue. But Mr. Fox has no idea what he is really supporting and has never even read the legislation which seemingly includes cloning and goes far beyond simple stem cell research.

Fox, now freely admits that he never read the measure. News reports state:
Actor Michael J. Fox taped an ad for McCaskill, who supports the initiative to allow embryonic stem cell research. But on Sunday, Fox admitted he hadn't read the initiative, which opponents say would allow cloning for the purposes of research. Asked about that charge, Fox told ABC's "This Week" that he didn't think those claims were accurate. "I don't think that's true. ... I have to qualify it by saying I'm not qualified to speak on the page-to-page content of the initiative. Although, I am quite sure that I'll agree with it in spirit, I don't know. On full disclosure, I haven't read it, and that's why I didn't put myself up for it distinctly," Fox said.

What a joke. While I am personally against stem cell research utilizing embryos, I have no problem with researchers collecting stem cells from other sources such as umbilical cord blood to utilize for their efforts. I do not feel that stem cell research is going to create "lightning in a bottle" cures to Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and other neurophysical maladies that we are being led to believe by the mainstream media. The research does appear to be novel and could be promising but it is still in it's discovery phase. While I feel strongly on the subject, I also worked as a biochemist for 16 years and feel that I am more than qualified to speak intelligently about stem cell research. Mr. Fox has never even read the full legislative measure, has no true understanding of stem cell technology and yet is still comfortable with broadcasting a message to millions of people trying to sway their vote on a subject he freely admits he doesn't fully understand.

That is just plain irresponsible but not surprising from an actor. I realize that the guy has Parkinson's disease, but that is no excuse for not using better judgement. It was no surprise that the Republicans also lined up a slew of actors to refute Mr. Fox's spot in their own commercial. I'm so sure that they are equally informed as Mr. Fox.

What a bunch of sheep these people think we are. It's downright insulting. But as long as we are a nation addicted to frigging People magazine, they have every means to exploit the nation with their disinfomation.

Hey Michael! You're giving me Parkinson's!


Congratulations...Now You're Fat And Stupid!

I tuned into this show about six weeks ago or so as I was channel surfing and became quite intrigued by it. I promised myself that I would try to watch it but was not overly successful in doing so.

During the first week I saw, I got to watch a bunch of fatties cry about how "they are trying to stay healthy so they can stay alive for their kids". The whole cast started crying at one time or another about this. Of course, being the most sympathetic fat person, I imitated them by crying that "I have to stay alive for my kids", whilst shoving an imaginary twinkie down my gullet for my audience, Poppinfresh and Erie. But apart from the blubbering, the show is actually interesting when you see all the pounds that these people shed. The couple of times I watched it, I was amazed to see the total transformation of a human being before my eyes.

And then the show got real stupid.

Whereas, you'd think that the show would actually reward the biggest "losers", the show "a la Survivor", actually encourages the least successful fatties to kick off the "biggest threat" hard working ones.

The show basically creates two teams of chubs and uses a percentage lost system to decide which team has to vote someone to go home. In the beginning, this usually (and correctly) consisted of the person who dropped the smallest percentage of weight. Now as the show is dwindling down, I think that hypoglycemia is kicking in and making these people retarded. The one team is basing their vote on sex (gals against the guys). They keep a smaller weight loss sow on their squad and send their stud hog home.

In a game where you are eliminated based on total percentage lost, does it make sense to jettison your "biggest losers", knowing full well that you're just dooming yourself to sending someone home the following week as well?

And doesn't the game want to really protect the "biggest losers"?

Apparently not. So, from here on in, it'll basically be a pissing match between annoying and back stabbing orcas who have no sense of what they are really there for. I think that if that's the way the show is supposed to go, then let's make it real interesting. I think that the winning team each week should get a food item to plant in the dormitory of the other team, to tempt them into falling off the wagon. Why not? If the real hardworking people have no shot to win, could we at least see the uninspired fatties gorge themselves on hidden Krispy Kremes moments before weigh in? It's not like it will cost them their spot if they are in a good alliance.

If this show is dead set on being a sham, then let's see it a full blown sham.

Hell, let's make the whole house (including furniture) edible a la a Gingerbread House. Let's give them round the clock availability to room service and food delivery. Hell, let's put the house between a McDonalds and a Taco Bell.

And forget about the voting. Let's just say that a physician verified coronary event determines who is eliminated.

Now, that's entertainment!


1973: The First Sign That The World Was Getting Too Damn Sensitive About Everything

When I was 7 years old, Topps Chewing Gum, was in the process of distributing their second series of their successful Wacky Packages line of kid's stickers that parodied named brand products. I collected the first series and loved them, I actually enjoyed collecting them more than baseball cards.
I still remember many of my favorite Wacky's, like it was yesterday.
During Topps' second series however, they produced my all time favorite sticker. It was a parody of Ronzoni brand macaroni called "Run Tony". I was lucky enough to get one but stupidly stuck it on one of my school notebooks. I had hoped that I'd have no problem getting a duplicate to save. But this was just before Ronzoni apparently complained to Topps that the sticker was degrading to Italian-Americans. Topps, who were probably skirting copyright laws in the first place, agreed to drop the sticker in the series and I was never able to get a duplicate sticker in subsequent purchases. But this innocent request was the beginning of a societal landslide that was coming.
I grew up in an Italian neighborhood and found nothing degrading about the sticker. I was proud of my Italian heritage and it's not like replacing the "Run Tony" sticker was going to somehow magically free my fellow Italians of the Mafia stigma. Damn, it was just a harmless joke. I guess this was the beginning of the end of people being able to laugh at themselves and the start of an uptight baby boomer generation that would become the most over sensitive and lawsuit generating bunch of SOB's in history.
With every year that passed, more and more things were beginning to be deemed as offensive and taken away. But it didn't stop there. The over-sensitive and over-protective attitudes started to creep into childhood games and activities.
They started taking away all the fun by making kids wear bicycle helmets, which has pretty much kept the majority of kids off bikes in subsequent generations. Hell, my friends and I lived on our bikes as kids. And we lived in New York City! You hardly see too many kids riding bikes anymore.
They started giving everyone trophies for participating in sports and took away all incentive to win. All of a sudden all of our games and the lessons we learned winning and losing them would be changed forever. They took away dodgeball over the years and last week I read a story about a school in Massachusettes banning tag because they are afraid of lawsuits from parents suing when their kids get hurt playing it. Props to Jammer for finding this nugget.
I'm sorry but if I'm a judge sitting on a case for a parent suing over a game of tag, I'm ordering a beheading of the lawsuit happy parent as a message to the rest of this country.
These parents who are "protecting" their kids pretty much by placing them in a plastic bubble are the same ones who allow their children to play ultra violent video games and whose kids can be heard hurling racial slurs and homocidal epithets at anonymous adults on X-box Live, where their stupid parents have no idea what they are doing.
Way to go assbag baby boomer parents. You raised some real trophies of human beings. Kids that can't pick themselves off the ground in the real world. Kids that have no healthy fear of authority. Kids that don't know the sacrifice and hard work that is involved in suceeding in life. Kids that are constantly praised for mediocrity (Can you say 3rd grade graduation? Are you fucking kidding me?).
Jeez, all that because I didn't get another "Run Tony" sticker. I may just need some psychiatric help to help deal with baby boomers and how they changed the world for the worst.
Generation X'ers of the world unite! I'd tell you to raise your children against this prevalent stupidity, but so few of you even have kids. I've done my part with my children and I hope all of you do the same.


David Wright Sucks Again...Big Surprise!

How about a trade of Wright to the Yankees for A-Rod?

At least I'd expect him to suck in the clutch and have no expectations. The Cardinals finally got wise and pitched around Carlos Delgado all night and Wright got one mistake basehit and looked like a chump the entire series.

David, you fucking blow. Way to cost the Mets a trip to the World Series. I hope your car goes off the road in the snow so I can kidnap you and hobble your dead ass.


Great, now we get to see the Cardinals lose 4-0 to the Tigers, wonderful.


An Open Letter To David Wright

Dear David,

Nothing personal, but your play in the NLCS is giving me ass cancer.

So far, the Mets have been able to get to Game 7 pretty much without you but we need you real bad tonight.

You see, Jeff Suppan is a frigging poser bitch who needs his old ass roughed up big time. Tony LaRussa's Cardinals have no business getting this far, regardless of the fact that our pitching has been decimated by injuries.

C'mon David, you're my man and I would really like to see you line the first pitch you see right up Suppan's rectum for an inside the park homerun. I'm so confident that you'll come through that I Fed-Exed Yader Molina a pair of forceps to help Suppan "give birth" on the mound while you're getting your curtain call.

Go METS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for listening, your #1 fan,
Cockadoodie Bluey


"Oh Pink Motorola Razr...Why Have I Forsaken Thee?"

I just recently renewed my two year cell phone plan with every intention of getting a pink RazR.

Verizon was running a special where I get a free Motorola Razr for signing on for another two years of service. Unfortunately, this offer was for the silver RazR. To get the pink RazR, it would have cost me $30 extra bucks. To those who know me, you can guess what I ended up getting.

Why the fuck would a pink phone cost $30 more than a silver one? I can only think of one reason.Verizon and Motorola think that women are superficial fucking retards.Why else would there be a $30 premium for your choice of color?

The thing that kills me is that the dykes over at the National Organization for Women aren't bringing these two companies to court for such an injustice perpetrated specifically on women. Oh, real lesbians don't like pink...do they? That's just a horrible stereotype perpetrated by the porn industry.

Damn!Here I am, looking forward to getting a pink phone to be a conversation piece and attracting all kinds of weird stares as I whip it out and suddenly now all of my fun isn't going to happen. Goddamn you, cruel world!

I heard that Motorola and Verizon uses the blood of freshly killed baby seal pups and titanium to make the special pink hue found on these phones.

To the braintrust of PETA, please dispatch naked chicks at once to start protesting the pink RazR. I've got $30 burning a hole in my pocket and I could use a bucket of chicken and a side of slaw to ease my pain.


"A-Rod Would Fuck Up A One Car Funeral Procession!", Exclaims An Angered Osama

Apparently, Yankee management is less than pleased with Alex Rodriguez after his plane went skidding off of a runway at Bob Hope Airport in California while failing to yield any fatalities.

"I gave him a boxcutter and told him that there would be no room for him on the 2007 roster, unless he was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for Allah. I promised him a roomful of plump virgins if he could bring his plane down possibly in the middle of the A's-Tigers game or at least at a shopping mall of some sort where capitalist pigs meet to idol worhip. So what happens??? The useless son of an infidel whore, falls and cuts himself with the boxcutter before the plane even takes off and then it skids to a halt to rush him to a hospital. No wonder why the bloated pig can't field a ground ball at third. He's pathetic."

Osama planned on waiving A-Rod after his untimely death, much as he did with Cory Lidle but will now have to look for another opportunity.

A-Rod had no comment other to assure the press that he considers himself part of the "solution".


Bluey: A Marketing Genius?

This is what happens when Tay asks me to help her with marketing materials.

She asked for my input on how to market cleaning services to newlyweds.

I think it's pretty damn effective and will definitely get the attention of the guy who is potentially weighing the benefits of hiring cleaning services.

What guy would say no to this?

Sheer Genius! Brilliant!


Steinbrenner Names Osama As New Yankee GM

In an effort to light a fire under the underachieving New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner announced that Bin Laden would become the Yankee general manager, replacing Brian Cashman, in a 11AM press conference.

"I think that this capitalist pig team has gotten fat and lazy carrying around a 200+M payroll. The players are not responding to Joe Torre and this move will ensure that the players buy into the Yankee jihad against the rest of the infidels in an effort to capture Allah's glory of a MLB trophy", said an excited Osama.

When asked about the future of A-Rod, Osama exclaimed, "We will find some use for this American pig". Bin Laden also said that he would try to revamp the Yankees failed pitching staff as soon as possible.

A few hours later, Yankees pitcher, Corey Lidle, piloted his personal plane into a fifty story apartment complex.


"Herro...I'm Back!"

It'll sure be interesting to see if the U.N. imposes sanctions finally on North Korea after an underground nuclear test. If it fails to do so, it may just be time for the United States to withdraw from the U.N and establish a similar body consisting of their NATO allies.

While Russia and China are talking a big game about this underground test, I believe that their only reason is to avoid the placement of US nukes in Japan and South Korea. If our little "ronery" buddy escapes sanctions this time, I think it pretty much invalidates the U.N. and it's potential role in diplomacy between nations.

The U.N.'s unwillingness to take a stand or to become involved in many places around the world where there are heinous human rights violations, has made the body an absolute joke. It just may be time to walk away and let the rest of the world talk until they are blue in the face, resolving nothing.

I think sitting in on the U.N. charade actually weakens our position in the world. Maybe a little healthy fear of not knowing what the US will do in response to these events will shake a few idiots from the tree.


Assuming The Laws Of Physics Do Not Apply

There is a universal saying in Guydom that every man in the world has uttered at one time or another in his life. That saying is: "If I could suck my own dick, I wouldn't leave the house". We've chuckled at that phrase at the expense of women for years. But, is it really true?

If you can assume that the laws of physics didn't apply and that it was possible, how many men would really suck their own dicks for pleasure?

My hypothesis was pretty simple. I would have expected that when push comes to shove, about 95+% of men would pretty much back off that statement and be horrified at the reality of blowing themselves and that the universal statement was nothing but a load of hot air blown by men for generations.

So, I took a scientific poll of pilgrimagers to get to the truth. The questions were as follows:

Assuming the laws of physics didn't apply and you could suck your own dick, would you?

If the question was answered YES, then the followup questions were:
How much of a gap in difference between sucking your own dick and sucking another random dick was there? Was it a hop, skip, jump away or was it a wide gulf away (meaning that performing the act was just another acceptable act of masturbation)?

Is it okay to swallow?

If the question was answered NO, then the followup questions were:Why not? How much of a gap? Care to comment on swallowing?

After conducting an extensive poll of about 15 guys, I was pretty amazed to find out that about 26.6% (4/15) heterosexual men (okay, I couldn't exactly verify this), would indeed perform the deed on themselves.

I got a wide varying range of answers on whether the act was comparable to what would normally be considered a homosexual activity. Some men were disgusted by the prospect while others saw a huge difference between pleasing themselves and another man. Only one respondent said that it was okay to swallow 6.66% the throat yogurt.

Overall, a very interesting research study on an age old adage. My hypothesis failed and more men that I anticipated were indeed serious about "never leaving the house".


The 2006 Fall Pilgrimage

The weather is beautiful, the football field is a swamp, the dodgeball court is strewn with fallen leaves and the lake is looking cold but maybe just warm enough to jump in.

The Fall pilgrimage begins tonight with festivities beginning about 7pm or so.

Be there or be gay!

Oh Yeah...and GOOOOOO METS!!!!


Are They Kidding?

When I read stories of KFC growing chickens in small cages, farmers producing veal by placing young calves in a box, industries spraying perfumes and soaps in bunnies eyes or furriers killing animals for their pelts, I get a smile on my face.

Is is because I'm a heartless bastard? Well, I'd like to think not, but maybe.

No. The reason that I get a jolt out of these stories because it means that we're about to get a protest of naked chicks. Naked chicks in boxes and cages, you get the picture! For some strange reason PETA seems to believe that convincing their hot female membership that getting naked will really get the message out and bring awareness to PETA's issues and result in positive changes. I don't know how they exactly sell that pitch but I almost want to go out and abuse animals myself, just to get the naked protesting.

Hmmm...let's see. I want KFC to stop doing something that I find offensive. So, I send a couple of hot naked chicks to their place of business to protest. Of course, it draws a huge crowd and then, at lunchtime, people have got to eat?...don't they? A couple of drumsticks and a side of cole slaw later, it's back to ogling the naked chicks. Wash it down with another cup of Coke and bang! Another successful day of protesting.

Maybe one day, PETA will get wise and really send some nasty old skanks to get naked for their ads and protests. Then people may take notice of their plight and lose their appetite for the Colonel's extra crispy formula.

I guess that makes too much sense. Oh well.

Bring on more naked chicks. I can almost feel myself turning into a PETA convert (well, okay, that's a blatant lie, but how will they ever know?)

Bad Company...And I Ain't Denying It

CNN posted this picture in today's story of George Michael and his most recent brush with the law.

Apparently, this is supposed to be a recent picture of George on tour. I say bollocks to that! I know who this really is.

Another Separated At Birth candidate!!!

This "singer" goes by the alias of Pablo Honey, once scored a hit with "Radioactive" with Jimmy Page and can be found carrying the mail until his favorite show, Card Sharks comes on the Gameshow network at 2PM.

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