We've all been to our local Christmas parades. You know, the ones where local businesses, area high school bands, dancing schools, emergency departments (fire, police, ambulance) and town locals take their vehicles, floats and shoes to the streets to celebrate the holiday season. Children gather on both sides of the streets as the parade participants throw candy for them to enjoy. My kids have enjoyed these types of parades since they were toddlers and I've always thought that they were a nice way to kick off the Christmas season.
Two weeks ago, my daughter, Loni, took to the streets as part of the parade in her high school's marching band's procession. We got there and took a place near the beginning of the parade route. The night was cold and crisp but it only added to the ambiance.
Then, enter the FACCC...
Four chubby sub 5 foot tall middle aged women (see picture above for size approximation) with 2 children between them were standing on the curb in front of us. I didn't think anything of it initially. They seemed to be typical middle class Americans and dressed modestly. Nothing about them would have suggested anything out of the norm.
Until the candy started flying, that is...
Usually when the candy gets thrown, the adults will remain on the curb and the children in the audience will move a few feet into the street to grab candy as it is thrown their way. Certainly, not a replacement for Halloween, but enough for the kids to enjoy for the night and maybe a day or two. The candy is usually low quality such as simple lollipops, jolly ranchers, tootsie rolls...you get the picture! Just pocket candy.
The four short rotund women burst into the street with plastic bags. They gather all the candy in sight as they more than meet their quota of bending over for the year. They take every piece of candy that hits the ground in a 12 foot space, even in front of their own children. I stand there shocked and amazed as my children can't even squeeze in to get more than one piece each. I don't think my youngest daughter, Kitty, even got a piece at all! Bebis got a piece because one of their husband's lightning hand picked up a piece right ahead of her. Bebis muttered under her breath and I think he felt embarrassed and offered it to her.
I stood by in awe and was shocked at what I was seeing. I was speechless. Usually, I'd say something but I actually became embarrassed for them as they piled the penny candy into plastic Walmart bags. My kids are twelve to sixteen years of age, so they really were only interested in a piece or two to enjoy during the parade. Given the festive setting, I decided against making a scene and looked on in horror and amusement as they performed their human vaccuum cleaner impression producing burgeoning bags of treats.
Then, when I didn't think it could get any worse, they started a conversation in which they were complaining about the people across the street getting more candy thrown their way. As they protested to the parade participants, my mind was yelling out...
"THE PEOPLE ACROSS THE STREET ARE KIDS!!!! THATS WHY THEY ARE GETTING MORE CANDY, YOU INSUFFERABLE FAT ASSES!!!"
Thankfully, the parade didn't last more than a half hour as I couldn't tear my eyes away from the disgusting scene. I don't think I've ever seen such an embarrassing display in my life.
As we drove home, I muttered under my breath...
"The Fat Assed Candy Collector's Club"
Tay knew exactly what I was talking about and chuckled. I let the girls in on the secret and they all gave their individual accounts of their impressions.
To this day, I am still embarrassed by what I saw and wonder if these women have any idea as to how they would come across to anyone around them? I would imagine that they do this every year...pathetic...
Merry Christmas?
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