Tay, The Keys and My Blood Pressure

If anyone doubts that living with "Peteys" can be trying, boy do I have a story for you. These are actual events from this weekend. No names were changed to protect the innocent because there weren't any innocent parties.

After a busy work week, I was looking forward to getting home and relaxing. I only had two Peteys this weekend (Tay and Aussie) and they were planning a trip to the mall to get Aussie a new cell phone. When I got home, Tay had a new haircut that looked really nice and she whipped me up a very tasty stir fry. I sat in front of the TV to watch three episodes of "My Name is Earl". I contemplated taking the blood pressure meds I forgot to take this morning, but I was feeling pretty serene, so I sat back and enjoyed the show and kissed Aussie and Tay goodbye before they left for the mall. Tay took my black Durango as she customarily does instead of driving the white Maidpro Durango after business hours.

About a half hour later, in the middle of watching a rare episode that I haven't seen before, Tay calls.

"Ummm...I can't get the key to unlock the car door. I even tried it manually and it won't turn", Tay informs me.

"That's weird", I thought to myself. The only other time I had this problem was when Tay washed my other set of keys in the washer, but that's a whole 'nother story.

"Before I come get you gals, can you try one thing?" I say.

"Sure", Tay replies.

"Go into the Sears and replace the small battery for the keys. Maybe the battery died. Sears has an automotive section and they should have no problem swapping it out quickly. Call me back if it doesn't work."

"Sure". And I go back to watching the show.

5 minutes later the phone rings again. I get up to answer it. It's Tay again.

"It didn't work".

Being that we have three vehicles, this really isn't a big problem, so I offer to come get them and tell them I'll be there in about 10 minutes.

I get dressed and go outside to Tay's white Durango. I get inside and reach for the keys in the ignition. They are not there.

That's odd, since rural life dictates that all keys must remain in the ignition of vehicles as a matter of principal. I still have issues with that one, having grown up in NYC, but usually my black Durango is the only vehicle on the property in which I bring the keys in the house.

So, I go back in the house to look for the keys. They are nowhere to be found. I'm getting supremely annoyed since the keys are NEVER anyplace else. I call Tay.

"Tay...any idea where the keys are for the white Durango?"

"In the ignition."

"No, they aren't in the car."

"That's odd. Maybe they are in my black coat"

I check it. "Nope"

"The bedroom"

"Nope"

"The Pie safe"

"Nope"

"The kitchen table"

"Nope. Listen, Tay...I already checked all over the house including all your clothes folded on the bed."

"That's odd. I have no idea where they can be. Why don't you take the Trailblazer down to get us."

"Okay"

I hang up and look outside and remember that Tay's Trailblazer, our third vehicle is getting new brakes and we were waiting for Tay to get her registration in the mail so it can be inspected. Tay forgot to send in the registration for a month or two or three and it couldn't get inspected until the registration came back.

"God damned it. Are you kidding me?"

I call Tay back.

"Tay, the Trailblazer isn't here. Isn't it at the shop for brakes?"

"Oh yeah...no...it got the new brakes. It's down the road at Dad's place. It's not inspected but you can still drive it down to get us. Take the Big Red down to Dad's and get it."

I'm starting to get furious but do my best to hide it.

"Okay...see you in 10 minutes."

So, I go into the garage, get in the Big Red and drive through the pitch black woods to Tay's Dad's place. The Trailblazer is sitting behind his garage. I park the Big Red out of the way and get into the Trailblazer.

By now, you can probably guess...No keys in the ignition.

Let me just start by saying, it's a good thing the door and windows were closed in the Trailblazer and that no neighbor lived nearby. The tapestry of obscenies I wove in that vehicle lasted for about 3 whole minutes.

"God damn it!"

...every fucking vehicle on both properties except my truck usually has keys in the ignition. Quads, tractors, backhoe, cars...you name it, there is a key in the ignition. At this point, I am livid. The keys don't seem to be anywhere in the car either.

I call Tay back again.

"There are no keys in the trailblazer either"

"That's odd. I wonder what Dad did with them. Did you check under the mat?"

"Nope...not there"

"Visor"

"Nope, not there"

"Console"

"Tay, these fucking keys are nowhere in the vehicle"

"Ummmm, okay. Lemme think. Dad is out with his wife seeing the Rockettes. Why don't you take his car?"

I look over at her Dad's car.

"What are the chances that the keys are actually inside it at this point?"

"They'll be in there"

I hang up and walk to the vehicle. At this point my blood pressure is probably clocking in at 300 over 180 and my nice peaceful night is ruined.

I get into the car and BINGO, the keys are there!

I call Tay. "Okay, I'm on my way".

Normally (when my blood pressure isn't skyrocketing), my powers of deductive reasoning are fairly acute. Hell, they have to be with all the shit the Peteys pull on a daily basis. Tonight, they were a little off.

But for some reason, driving my Father-in-laws's car was very relaxing. By the time I pulled out of Dad's driveway, my mind was starting to clear. By the time I passed our driveway, I had an epiphany. I solved the riddle, but now I was trying to figure out a tactful way to break it to Tay.

I pick up the blackberry.

"Hello?"

"It's me, Tay. I'm on my way, but I wanted to ask a quick question."

"Okay" Tay replied.

"Is there any chance that you have both sets of Durango keys?"

I bite my lip.

"Lemme check..................uh, yeah, I do"

Then I ask the next obvious question with as much tact as humanly possible given the circumstances. In retrospect, I think I should be up for a 2009 Noble Peace prize for showing remarkable restraint.

"Is there any chance that you tried the white Durango's keys to open the black Durango?"

Not to be mean but I can hear the light going on in Tay's head over the phone line.

"I don't know. Let me go to the car and check"

"Okay, I'm on my way anyway, but call me back", I said.

Two minutes later, the phone rings and I am greeted by Tay's sheepish voice.

"Yeah, that's what I did. We're in the car."

"Okay, good, I'll see you at home."

I take Dad's car back to his house and get in Big Red and take another quick drive through the woods back to our house. I've missed all three episodes of "Earl" and my remaining food is cold. I throw it in the garbage and reach for my BP medication. I pop a double dose.

Ten minutes later, Tay and Aussie walk in the house.

Tay is avoiding eye contact at first but then starts to apologize profusely. I ask her if she was sure that the hairdresser didn't dye her hair blond on the inside earlier in the day.

I tell her that she's gonna have a hell of a weekend of massages to get my blood pressure down.

Peteys!