Messin' With Sasquatch

Tay's stepmom makes out of this world beef jerky. It is ten times better than the crap you buy in the stores. I'm totally addicted to it and asked Tay if she would be agreeable to learning how to make it. Her stepmom made me a big gallon ziploc bag a few weeks ago to keep me in jerky until Tay gets up and running.

So, I pretty much forget about it and I'm finishing up mowing the lawn one day when Tay comes up to me and grabs my head and slips a piece of beef jerky in my mouth. "You did a real nice job on the lawn". She kisses me and walks away.

A day or two later, I was changing some burnt out lightbulbs in her kitchen and after I'm done, she does the same thing, while patting me on the head. I'm thinking to myself, "Man, is that beef jerky yummy".

Then it occurs to me after I finish chewing the piece of jerky. I have no idea where the big bag of beef jerky is. And it also occurs to me that it hasn't been beef jerky that I've been eating (well, in reality it has been).

I've been eating fucking Scooby Snacks!

Now, you may be confused by this, by the grim reality hit me like a sledgehammer. Tay was using the beef jerky as a reward after I performed jobs around the house for her without me realizing it. I always knew that men were dumb mammals but what a dope I had been. I was nothing more than a trained circus seal.

So, I asked Tay where the bag of jerky was. She immediately knew that I was on to her.

"You don't get to have the bag."

"What the fuck? That's my beef jerky!"

"And I've been giving it to you"

"Yeah...giving it to me like giving god damned Scooby Snacks to a dog after doing jobs around the house!"

She starts laughing, realizing that she is busted but probably because she had manged to get away with it for three or so days.

She still doesn't surrender the bag even after I throw a tantrum.

"We'll see how much gets done around here while I'm waiting for you to fork over that bag".

"If you want jerky, you'll do what you're told", she jokes.

Thankfully, Tay's daughter, Aussie, who has had her cellphone taken away, finds the bag in Tay's hiding place and gives it to me. I immediately lift her cellphone restriction for her good deed.

All was right with the world, except now I'm out of jerky again.

Brio 122, Bluey's Hail Mary 107.

Well, I shit the diaper in my inaugural fantasy league matchup. Props to Flip for giving me my first lesson in fantasy football. That lesson is that matchups matter. Playing P. Rivers (SD) against the vaunted CHI defense instead of J. Cutler (DEN) against the crappy BUF defense is what cost me the victory.

So, the Hail Mary experiment starts at 0-1. Next up, Cali's DyNasty (0-1).

Diamond Futures

I was watching Bloomberg Financial television this morning when Tay came in the room fresh from her shower. Since she uses propane as an alternative heat source, I teased her by informing her that the October Propane contracts in the futures markets were up 25 cents.

She scanned the TV and noticed that there was a futures market in gold, silver, aluminum and just about anything a person could dream up.

Then she asks, "Is there a futures market in Diamonds?"

Immediately knowing what she's angling at, I reply "No."

"Why not?"

"They're just not a good investment. There's no way of making money in a diamonds market."

"Why is that?", she inquired.

"Because each diamond comes with a woman who will spend your fortune away."

Tay gives me a cross look. I start laughing.

Bluey stock advice: Short October Diamond contracts.

Is Ass Cancer Reversible?

Watching the NY Mets blow a 4 game series to the Filthadelpia Fillies, loaded up my colon with tumors like gumballs in a gumball machine. They basically pissed away a 7 game lead in the division in a span of five days as the Phils cut the Met lead to 2 games.

Then, the Mets swept the Braves and the Phils started losing.

And the Mets won the first two at Cincy for a 5 game win streak as the Phils fell 6 games behind again. I swear to God, this team is going to kill me before the season is over.

Dr. Pedro Martinez was able to excise a few tumors last night with a rusty butter knife but with a month to go, it can go either way.

This team is far better than any National League team and has the offense to rival any World Series opponent. But, I said the same thing last year and they lost to the goddamned Cardinals thanks to one Mr. David Wright.

C'mon guys, get you heads out of my ass and cure me already. 1986 was a long time ago.

Back To School

The Bluey daughters are back to school today. Hard to believe how quickly this summer vanished. Unbelievably all of my girls actually looked forward to returning.

Ausseo is running track, Loni is playing volleyball again, Rebe resumes her basketball career and Kitty is in a new school and goes back to her lessons tickling the ivories.

I gave them the standard advice to stay away from the boys or I'll start digging more holes.

Three Triples In One Day!

There was a minor anomaly on Sunday as Cone's Trucking split a doubleheader with Madelyn's Body Shop (19-12 loss, 14-4 win) in the Men's Washpa Softball League this past Sunday.

Bluey, never known for his footspeed, managed to double his lifetime triples total by going 6 for 6 with a trio of three baggers.

Now you can make the argument that his fat ass should have had three homeruns instead of triples, but nonetheless, quite the feat.

2007 Bluey's Hail Mary Team

Owner: Bluey
GM: Special Ed
Coach: Don Shula

The 2007 WashPa FFL had its' draft on Saturday, Aug 11. The inaugural Hail Mary squad was selected by former Crank Yanker, Special Ed, who secured the services of former Miami Dolphins coach, Don Shula only minutes after the draft ended. Las Vegas handicappers initiate the Hail Mary odds of a championship at 100-1.

The 2007 Hail Mary squad:

QBs: Phillip Rivers (SD), Jay Cutler (DEN)

RBs: Larry Johnson (KC), Brandon Jacobs (NYG), Adrian Peterson (MIN), Ladell Betts (WAS), Reuben Droughns (NYG)

WRs: Marvin Harrison (IND), Chad Johnson (CIN), TJ Houshmandzadeh (CIN), Jerricho Cotchery (NYJ), Wes Welker (NE), Anthony Gonzales (IND)

TE: Randy McMichael (STL)

DEF: New England Patriots

K: Olindo Mare (NE)

The Pot Holder Story

Everybody's better half every once in awhile makes them crazy sometimes. It's just a matter of whether it's the kind of crazy you can deal with over the years or not which determines whether you have a future together.

The cross I have to bear is Tay's insane need to reduce clutter on a never ending basis. Her house is very organized and ordered and you won't find too many nick-nacks (if any) collecting dust at her place. If you want to throw 2 slices of bread into the toaster or need a paper towel, you won't find them on the counter anywhere because they are neatly put away under the cupboards. She just doesn't believe in letting things lay around. Everything has its' place.

Now you're probably thinking to yourself, even Bluey surely isn't going to start complaining about a woman who keeps her house too clean, right?

Those of you who answered no, obviously don't know me too well.

You see, it's bad enough when I can't find a blessed thing in her kitchen. It may take me 10 years to figure out her system and where everthing is. I also can't find anything in my kitchen because she took it upon herself to reorganize it as well.

"Tay, where do I keep the (fill in the blank)?", is probably the most frequently uttered phrase in my own kitchen, so you can probably figure out that I'm so lost in hers.

But this past week, when I was cooking sausages in her stove, I hit my breaking point.

I was making what us Italians call "gravy", when I placed some sweet and hot italian sausages in a little garlic and olive oil in a pyrex dish. The plan was to bake the sausages in the oven and then add them to the gravy. So, I put the oven on 400* and ask Tay where she keeps the potholder. I grab the potholder out of the draw she points me to and place the sausages on the oven rack using the potholder. I go out to the porch to sit and relax while they are cooking.

Ten to fifteen minutes later the sausages need turned over, I return to the kitchen, open up the stove and ....voila!...the pot holder is gone.

"Tay?"

"What?"

"Where is the pot holder?"

"Oh...I put it away."

"Why did you do that? I'm still cooking."

"Sorry, here it is."

So, I pull the pyrex pan out, put down the potholder and start flipping the sausages. It takes me about 30 seconds to accomplish the task. I finish and I open the oven door again and reach for the pot holder.

It is gone again.

"Are you insane?"

"What?"

"Where the hell is the potholder?"

"Oh, sorry, I put it away"

"Christ almighty. Are you purposefully trying to give me cancer? Can you just leave the damn potholder out while I'm cooking and put it away after dinner? Is that too much to ask?"

"I thought you were done with it"

"Would it kill you to just leave the damn thing out for an hour?"

"Sorry"

So, I put the sausages in the oven again and after 10 minutes or so, they are done. The potholder is miraculously still there and I add the sausages to the gravy.

After dinner, I add the leftover sausages back to the pyrex dish to keep them warm in the oven. I tell Tay that I put the sausages back in the oven and that I would be taking them out in a few minutes.

A few minutes later, yep, you guessed it...the potholder is gone again.

I'm thinking to myself. I don't know whether to kiss her for being so cleanly or strangle her for being so incessantly OCD.

I'm still thinking about it.

Squealy McScream

Why, after all these years, did the Pittsburgh Steelers feel they needed a mascot? The team officially broke out the mascot with his new name as picked by some yenta.

I think I like my name better because it will be more suitable when the Steelers are getting ass-raped by the Miami Dolphins. I mean, look at him. He's sure got a purty mouth!

Wouldn't be much better if the team broke down and got body painted cheerleaders instead? Then the fans would start praying for rain and snow.

Can we assume that Mr. Steely McBeam is also unemployed like the rest of Pittsburgh's steelworkers? Rumor has it, he used to be a cage dancer at Pegasus.

Bluey's Fantasy League Return!

First, Bluey and his Ellwood City/Oakmont Rangers lit up the EHL (Existential Hardball League) to the tune of 5 fantasy baseball titles in 10 seasons (1994-2003).

Then, Bluey and his Pitt/SCM Piewizzards rampaged through the FHL, winning 6 fantasy hockey titles (4 of them consecutively) in 10 seasons (1996-2005).

Now as an encore, Bluey will tackle the Gridiron this year as his Hail Mary squad will take the field and look to continue it's fantasy success on a little patch of astroturf in Washington, PA.

Some of its' participants have already began trash talking Bluey's ability to unseat their former champions. Saying that the chance of that happening would be similar to that of an eighty yard hail mary pass with :01 seconds left in the 4th quarter. Thus the inspiration for the team name.

Bluey will be joined by Highmark as the two newest additions in a fantasy football league hosted by Tay's family members, Cali, B and Flav.

Let the punishment begin...

Hudson Park, That's Good Water!

When I was a kid, once in a blue moon, my parents used to buy bottled spring water. The first jug of spring water I ever saw was a half gallon jug of Deer Park. My Dad always said that bottled water was a complete sham because New York City had the purest water in the world with their expensive triple purification process. No one had cleaner water.

My sisters insisted that the Deer Park spring water was so much better than the tap water much to my Dad's chagrin. Other than being colder because it was kept in the fridge, I couldn't taste a difference. One day, when the Deer Park was running out, I had an idea. I filled up the Deer Park container with tap water and jokingly referred to it as "Hudson Park", born and purified out of the sewer that was New York's Hudson River.

My sisters continued to drink the "Hudson Park" without having any idea that they were drinking tap water. It wasn't until dinner one day, that they found out the truth after insisting that Deer Park's water had a better taste than the tap. I told them that I had been refilling the jug for weeks and that the water they had been enjoying was indeed "Hudson Park"! They were deflated and their argument blown out of the water, pun intended.

I guess my point is, paying for water is stupid unless you live in a third world country or have tainted well water. A story in today's news has Aquafina finally having to fully disclose that it's water source is not some distant cool mountain spring but the good old tap. Other brands also will now have to back off claims that their water is extracted from virgin glaciers in the arctic circle as well. It seems that many purified waters on the market share a common source, the tap.

So, stop being gullibulls like my sisters were and sit back, relax and enjoy the cool refreshment of a "Hudson Park", coming from the good folks at the local public water facility who have been turning your toilet and greywater into drinking water for 100 years!

Yummy!

Softball/BBQ Event

We couldn't have asked for better weather this past Saturday as it was in the low 70's with a nice breeze. The field at KO HS was pristine as expected. Fifteen players showed up to enjoy two 7 inning games at 11am.

The games were marked with lots of jovial ribbing and laughter. Participants, please feel free to add your stories to the comment section and I will include them in the body of this blog.

Game 1: Team Tay 14, Team Becky 11.

Team Stacey (Trimpdog, Timmee, Highmark, Meersky, Natey, Tay, Timamigo)

Team Becky (Choder, Hamdog, The Don, Rhino, Becky, B, Gunky, and Bluey)

Game 1 saw Team Tay race out to the early 5-0 lead after 3 innings only to enter the 7th inning with a 11-6 deficit. Team Tay scored 8 runs in their half of the 7th inning to take the lead and upset Team Becky by 3 runs.

Game 2: Team Tay 11, Team Becky 10.

Team Tay (Choder, Rhino, Tay, The Don, B, Gunky, Timamigo)

Team Becky (Timmee, Meersky, Hamdog, Natey, Becky, Trimpdog and Bluey)

Highmark caught as an injury prevented him playing on either side.

Game 2 saw Team Becky race out to an early 5-0 lead, lost it in the middle innings (5-5) and held a 10-5 lead until the 7th inning when Team Tay scored 6 runs in their half of the 7th inning to pin another heartbreaking comeback loss of 11-10 on Team Becky.

Both games were highly competitive and featured late rally victories.

Entertainment was provided by a KO HS female track team member who ran on the adjacent track in a skimpy t-shirt and short shorts. The highlight came when she decided to sit on the track 20 feet away from the field while facing us and proceeded to put on a clinic in flexibility. Rumor has it that Meersky has yet to stop drooling. He tawt he taw her ovaries!

The game marked the triumphant reurn of Hamdog from Columbus, who brought a friend, Rhino to join us. The Don brought his consiglierre, Natey and Timmee L. brought a buddy as well. Also in attendance was Tay's brother Gunky and her cousin B. The usual suspects rounded out the bunch. The game's were a blast and were immediately followed by a BBQ at Bluey's place.

The BBQ featured Highmark's wife and twin progeny, a surprise visit from Francois and his significant other from Redding, the Trimpdog boys, Bluey's gals, Choder's wife, The Don's wife Kay, and Tay's cousin LiLi and husband Cali.

Of course, as usual, the day went entirely too fast. Another softball event is in the plans for August. Thanks to everyone for coming and making the day a special one!

Bluey In Lockdown Mode

(contains no spoilers)

Aussie, Loni, Bebis, Kitty and I went to the midnight opening to pick up our copy of the last Harry Potter novel. We have two more copies being delivered this morning so that Loni, Aussie and I can read it simultaneously.

I've got a softball party/BBQ today, so after that is over, I'll pretty much go into radio silence mode until I finish the book.

Epilogue: Loni has finished the book at 11pm tonight. Although I told her not to say anything, she did give me an overall tone of the book.

I'm about halfway through the book after starting it Saturday night. I'm really bumming that this will be the last one, but realize that the ending of this book may not leave any other choice.

I should finish the book on Monday night.

I Want An Oompa-Loompa, Daddy!

Well, I'm almost through an entire week off with my four daughters, Aussie, Loni, Bebis and Kitty. The endless hum of their wants and desires have expressed a brain cancer similar to what I'd have if I wore a helmet of radiating cellphones 24-7.

After trips to the bowling alley, clothing and shoe stores, restaurants, movies, doctor's appointments, and countless other jaunts, I'm at my limit. Today, I had all four trying to talk me into going out to do their back to school shopping today. They pestered me for damn near two hours.

This has pretty much gone on all week. Every six minutes when one of them ask me for something, I respond in Ms. Veruca Salt's english accent, "I want an oompa-lumpa, daddy!!!!".

I'm usually a rock when it comes to denying the girl's requests for lip gloss, exfoliators, makeup, $6 shampoo and an assortment of crap they don't need, but I'm wearing down. Thank jesus I have company coming over tomorrow. I need a respite from the abuse.

"I want a cow that shits out Cadbury bars and shoots chocolate syrup out of its' milkers, daddy!!!!"

An Inconvenient Truth..."Your Son Is A Junkie!"

Granted, I'm sure Al Gore Senior is happy that his marijuana smoking, pill popping, 100 MPH driving son Al Gore III was driving an eco-friendly Toyota Prius at the time of his arrest by police. But, his tree hugging protege son may have pointed out a simple but inconvenient truth.

Maybe Al should have stopped globe trotting on his global warming speaking engagements and film making tours and stepped aside to do a little parenting over the past 7 years.

Even though this is his second such stop (he was pulled over doing 94 in one of the Carolinas) and that this time he was travelling with a personal stash of grass and five types of pills, I'm sure this will get pooh poohed by the local authorities and the mainstream media (except of course, the NY Post which lives for these stories). As long as the younger Gore keeps up his tree hugging ways, I'm sure he can do no wrong in Papa's eyes.

Next he'll be the reformed environmentalist and in thirty years the Democrats will push him for the presidency because we are a "nation of healing and understanding".

Way to go Junkie!

Sather's Sweet Redemption!

In Glen Sather's first two years as GM of the NY Rangers, I wanted his head on a platter a la John the Baptist.

This past weekend my beloved NY Rangers signed the two best available free agent centers in one fell swoop. In the past, Glen Sather's free agent signings have made me cringe. Coming from tight purse-strings in Edmonton, he spent like a drunken sailor during his first few years in New York which prompted me to actively drum for his dismissal. Then over the next few years, much to my joy and many other Ranger fans annoyance, he traded for draft picks and let the rebuilding process begin. He finally let the rookies play as he started jettisoning big fat unproductive contracts. Only then did the Rangers find some grit and passion for playing a 60 minute game.

After the last productive 2 years, with more impact rookies on the horizon (namely defensemen Marc Staal and Bobby Sanguinetti), Sather finally dusted off the checkbook and not only did he sign marquee names, he signed two proven character guys who know how to win. The Rangers have suddenly become a team that players around the NHL respect and want to play for. Look at Brendan Shanahan. He could have played anywhere but accepted less money to play for the Rangers. We were starting to see a transformation in perception within and outside the team.

Make no mistake, Drury and Gomez were sold on playing together on the Rangers long before Sather pulled out his checkbook. The only reason the Rangers got either of them was because they both wanted to join a franchise on it's way towards the Stanley Cup.

Now whether the Rangers win a Cup in the next few years is debatable. But, what cannot be debated is that this is a team that is going to give other teams fits for 60 minutes every night.
Playing the Rangers is going to be a very unpleasant prospect for the rest of the NHL. They now have the goal scoring that is on par with just about anyone. They have Vezina level goaltending in Lundqvist and potentially another goaltender in the minors (Montoya), who may be just as good and they have a solid defensive core with the best players being under 25 years of age. They are a puck control team who are going to wear out other teams on many nights.

I've been preaching for patience and now is the time to grab for the ring. Sather's coup de grace in free agency will have a huge impact. Not only with the Gomez and Drury addition, but he subtracted them from two of the best eastern conference teams. Also, these guys are leaders and character guys. They play best when the game is on the line and should adeptly deal with the pressures of playing in New York. These guys wanted badly to be here. That's not something you usually get in free agents.

I'm ecstatic that Sather declined to offer 35 year old Michael Nylander a 4 year 20M contract. If you're going to spend 5M a year for a 35-39 year old forward, why not spend an extra couple of million and get players at the top of their game and in their prime?

That feeling I had when the Rangers got Mark Messier...I have that same feeling today. Sather still has some work to do but he's on the right path.

The haze of Alzheimer's has finally lifted from Sather. He finally "gets it". Thank You Jesus!

Gooooooooooooo Rangers!!!

Ferrandez: I'm In Love With My Glove!

Last night I played catch in bed and slept with her.

No, not Tay. I'm talking about my new softball glove.
She's a Mizuno Envy and I'm doing my best to break her in just right. She's soft and lacy with nice curves and a deep enough pocket to tuck two balls in.

She's also got that new glove smell that I never had growing up in a small village outside Mexicali, Mejico.

You see, we were too poor to afford gloves, so we used pieces of cardboard or whatever we could get our hands on to soften the sting of the ball.

I remember my first glove came from a case of Trojan Magnums. My eighteen siblings and I cut up the cardboard box and made about a dozen ball gloves out of it. My piece of cardboard served me well as over the past twenty years as it was perfectly molded to my palm.

Now, I'm still only 14 years old according to my birth certificate and still have aspirations to get that 4 year 62M contract from an Alzheimer's ridden George Steinbrenner. But, now I have a new glove. And I appreciate her more than others because it took me many years of picking various fruits and vegetables alongside my pal Supermonkey, to be able to afford such a luxury.

I think Tay is jealous of her, so I hide her. But every Sunday now, I'll be showing her off as she'll be flashing leather for all to see. Sweet!

Kennywood's Open!

Happy 10th Birthday shout to my daughter, Kitty!

We celebrated with a day at Kennywood and as always, had a load of fun. Tay, Aussie, Loni, Bebis and I rang in Kitty's birthday with a surprise trip to the amusement park this morning.

By the way, Kennywood's new alien ride, Cosmic Chaos, got a big thumbs down from the girls, who said it was actually pretty painful to ride.

As Granpa says, "Real junk!"

Leaves of Three, Doodlebee!

That's the permutation of the "leaves of three, let it be" quotation that I taught my girls in an effort to keep them away from poison ivy.

For about 12+ years I've managed to stay away from any major outbreak of my arch-nemesis. I certainly didn't get it by going in the woods. My guess is I got it from the dogs, which I'd argue is where most people get it.

Today, I am defeated as my right arm has become a casualty of war. It's so bad I had to cancel the Softball/BBQ event at my place this weekend. Major bummer.

Put Poison Ivy on top of the list of things that give me cancer.

Full Faith and Credit

For my birthday last week, I received several "naughty and nice" coupons from Tay among other things. The coupon above is an example of the "nice" lot.

But, then I started wondering...

What exactly are these coupons worth? So, I decided to perform a little test to see if they were indeed worth the ink and paper they were printed on.

On saturday night, after Tay fell asleep and I was watching TV, I reached into the bureau and extracted a coupon. Then I gently shook her awake.

"Whhhaaatt? huh....what do you want ?

"I've got a coupon"

"What?"

"I've got a coupon"

"Are you kidding me? I'm asleep, leave me alone!"

"But, I've got a coupon (waving it her face). See?"

"Are you crazy, you woke me up for that? I'm tired, I'm going back to sleep!"

"But it was my birthday present. Won't you at least look at it? C'mon, turn on the light."

"I'm going back to sleep"

"Oh, I guess all these coupons are worthless then"

"Hrrrmmmph....okay (turning the light on), lemme see"

She looks at the coupon which calls for one passionate kiss. She honors the coupon and then rolls over and goes back to sleep.

We wake up the next morning.

"I could kill you for waking me up in the middle of the night with a coupon"

And then I proceeded to make my argument:

"You know why a US dollar has worth? Because it is backed by the full faith and credit of the United States government. No matter where I take a US dollar, I know that it will be honored and that I expect to get a certain value from the note. The only reason it is worth something other than the paper and ink that make it up, is that it is universally accepted anywhere you go, even in foreign countries."

"So, what's your point?"

"These Love coupons you gave me, don't exactly have any value except at the Bank of Tay. If they do not have the backing of the full faith and credit of Tay, they are worthless. Yesterday, I tried to redeem one and was very close to being unable to "cash" it."

"You woke me up in the middle of the night!"

"Do you know why sometimes there are runs on a bank because people don't think that their money is safe and want to withdraw it immediately? If enough people try to redeem their accounts at the bank at once, the bank would fail to have enough cash to pay out. Banks don't operate by holding all of their cash in the bank at once. Banks operate on a certain faith that your money is there when you need it. Well, last night, I felt like I had a stack of cash in the Bank of Tay and all of a sudden I realized that it was worthless because the bank may never be open. I had these coupons, but I would have a hard time redeeming them."

"It was the middle of the night!"

"The coupons don't have any time restrictions indicated on them"

"Well, I'm not going to honor them when I'm asleep."

"So, you're saying that the Bank of Tay has a schedule of hours?"

"Yes, when I'm awake...and when I feel like it"

"What!, when you FEEL like it?"

"Pretty much."

"You know how I feel now? I feel like I just went into the bank at 1:50 pm and filled out a withdrawal slip for $40 and stood in the teller's line. There are about 3 or 4 tellers mulling around in the back but none are at the window. So, I wait patiently, for about 5 minutes or so as they stand around the coffee pot and make chit chat. Finally, I get upset and scream, "Is anybody in this godforsaken place gonna fucking help me or what?", and then finally begrudgingly one of the tellers approaches the window with a fucking puss on and asks me what I want. "I'd like to withdraw $40 from my account", "Okay, I'll have to check with the branch manager", then after another 10-15 minutes, I finally get frustrated and yell, "Can someone please help me!". Finally, another teller comes to the window and slides the $40 under the glass and I say "It's about fucking time". Then as I make my way to the door, I open it and hear a hushed voice behind me saying "asshole". As soon as the door closes behind me, I hear the door latch and the sign on the door is switched to CLOSED. That's how I felt last night when I tried to redeem my coupon".

"You are being ridiculous"

"Am I? God forbid I got out the door and realized I needed another 20 bucks. I would have gotten a big "Fuck You" from the bank.

"Honestly!"

"I just want to know that the "currency" I have in my bureau is worth something, that's all. And if it's not, is it transferrable?"

"Transferrable?"

"Yes, if I took my coupons to another "bank" would they honor them and would they be allowed to honor them?"

"What do you mean?"

"If I found myself some mexican honey, say, named Odette. Would I be able to take my coupons and cash them in to the Bank of Odette? And given the exchange rate between the US dollar and the peso, could I expect 20-40% more "services" for my coupon?"

"That is definitely not allowed!"

"Well, then the Bank of Tay needs to stay competitive with other branches and be flexible with her hours. That's all I'm saying."

"What was I thinking when I gave you those coupons?"

"I don't know but I sure got alot of them. And they have no expiration dates."

"Good grief!, let me see those coupons! They're only good for a year"

"Nice try, no deal."

(My name is bluey, I've got a coupon, I've got a coupon shiny and new, I'm going to get me all sorts of "favors", that's what I'm going to do!)

Fatties Rejoice!

Finally! No more chunking out while binge drinking good ol' H2O. Now I can pound down my 8 glasses of water a day without developing cottage cheese ass and blubber flaps. Science finally has a breakthrough that will allow us all to look like Kate Moss as early as this summer.

So drink up and let's all be thin for a change. Now that we don't have to worry about the water weight, scientists can concentrate on making the fat-free pizza and lo-cal fried cheesesticks!

It's truly amazing what morons will buy. Props to Long/Short Capital for bringing this photo to my attention.

The Last Thing I Want To Do Is Start A Race Discussion But...

from ESPN.com, an article quoting Gary Sheffield:

The percentage of African-Americans playing Major League Baseball is at an all-time low and Gary Sheffield says he has a theory why that's the case.

In an interview with GQ magazine that's currently on newsstands, the typically outspoken Tigers designated hitter said Latin players have replaced African-Americans as baseball's most prevalent minority because they are easier to control.

"I called it years ago. What I called is that you're going to see more black faces, but there ain't no English going to be coming out. … [It's about] being able to tell [Latin players] what to do -- being able to control them," he told the magazine.

"Where I'm from, you can't control us. You might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit, but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is. And that's a person that you're going to talk to with respect, you're going to talk to like a man.

"These are the things my race demands. So, if you're equally good as this Latin player, guess who's going to get sent home? I know a lot of players that are home now can outplay a lot of these guys."

According to a 2005 report by the University of Central Florida Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sport, only 8.5 percent of major leaguers were African-American -- the lowest percentage since the report was initiated in the mid-1980s. By contrast, whites comprised 59.5 percent of the majors' player pool, Latinos 28.7 percent and Asians 2.5.


Wow. You would think that when someone is paying you $10M, that they would retain "control" of your professional life. Expect you to conform to the companies' policies and conduct yourself in a manner consistent with the company's goals. Especially, on a baseball team where you are expected to follow the strategies of the coaches to the letter in order to win in a team sport. Obviously, you would have the freedom to turn down the $10M contract.

I won't say that Gary speaks for more than a very small percentage of African-Americans, but these comments speak volumes to an "attitude problem against any authority" in this segment of the population. My personal belief is that this perceived "Uncle Tom Syndrome" is what is really holding back some African-Americans. Being able to mesh with those around us is what makes us successful as a country as well as on an individual level. Looking down upon those who have accepted this notion and having achievied personal success is pathetic.

Life is a team sport, Gary. Your brand of racism is offensive to me and I'm sure the Latin players will have much to say on this topic in the coming days.

What a jackass.

Buccos Win!

Well, some of us go to Pirates games even as they sport their losing record. Sure, I'm not a Pirates fans and I didn't pay for the tickets but Tay, Aussie, Loni, Bebis, Kitty and I enjoyed a nice night out at the ballyard with LiLi and Cal. The weather was beautiful for a night out on the town with overcast skies and a cool breeze. The Pirates won 3-1 over the LA Dodgers.




We got enough Adam LaRoche bobbleheads (8, and courtesy of LaRoche College, which I thought was hilarious) to make $3.47 total on Ebay! What genius in the Pirate organization decides to have a bobblehead night for a new player that only recently started hitting over the Mendoza line?



Okay, okay, what you guys really want to know and what I'm here to report: Hannah won the great pierogi race on Saturday as the Pirate Parrot kept Chester away from the finish line in a dastardly show of interference. Bud Selig, has yet to review and rule on the outcome nor has he indicated if the Parrot would be disciplined by MLB.

Raise the Jolly Roger!

War Is Hell!

An excerpt from today's Wall Street Journal for any interested parties:

One of the first to arrive in the area was Jeff Best, a general manager hired to help head up operations. Mr. Best is a fifth-generation Phelps employee with a background in the military, including experience as a platoon sergeant for a machine-gun unit in the first Gulf War.

Give em' hell Jeffy!

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

An Update to the Josh Hancock story:

Apparently St. Louis Cardinals deceased pitcher, Josh Hancock, wasn't the only asshole in his family. His Dad now has filed a lawsuit against the restaurant that served Josh drinks, the tow truck company, who's flatbed Josh hit and the poor soul who's broken down car was responsible for the tow truck being there in the first place.

What a Grade A jackass. It's really no wonder why Josh was an alcoholic. Obviously, Daddy only looked at him as a frigging meal ticket. And here is Daddy's last chance to raid the gravy train. How pathetic.

Raise The Jolly Roger!

I have a buddy, who shall remain nameless unless he chooses to come forward, who is a Pittsbugh Pirates fan only when the team is over a .500 winning percentage. Well, he didn't exactly put it that way, he said that he wouldn't entertain paying to go to a Pirate game unless said prior condition was met by the franchise.

Granted, the Pirates suck, McClatchey and Littlefield are retards and the Nutting family is only interested in turning a profit with the team. But as a lifelong NY Mets fan, I've suffered through far worse than any Pirate fan can imagine. Between 1974 and 1985, the Mets had some geniunely horrible seasons. I have little or no memories of 1969 of 1973. But as bad as the Mets were, I still went to the games and cheered them on. They were basically lovable losers. I guess a team can only be that when enough fans really care about the team. Let's face it, Pittsburgh is a Steeler town and only have baseball and hockey fans when the winning bandwagon comes around.

But, one thing struck me today as I was looking a the baseball standings and because of it, maybe my friend's .500 rule should be ammended.

The Pirates and their 40M payroll at 22-28 are now a half game better than the 21-28, 220M and growing NY Yankee payroll. So, the Pirates are getting more production than the Yankess at a 180M discount. Shouldn't that be cause to make an exception to the rule?

Yankees suck!!!!! Gooooooo Mets!!!!

Misguided Yenta: Will Work For Food!

I'm really going to try my best, not to dump too much on someone who lost a son in the War on Terror because that would do a tremendous disrespect for Spc Casey Sheehan, who died in service to our country.

After years of stalking George W. Bush in some sort of wacky goal of creating a purpose in her son's death (as if it wasn't already full of purpose), she basically did just the opposite. She alienated her friends and family, did her best to tarnish her son's image as a patriot, ran herself into tremendous debt trying to keep herself in the spotlight, and finally losing just about everything, including her husband.

It's perfectly normal to aggregiously grieve over a son's death. I cannot fault her for that. I also have no problem with her being against the war. That's her own choice and belief of what is right. Again, no problem.

But when she chose to use her son's death to actively put her face in the media to promote her own ideas, that's where a line is drawn. Who knows what her deceased son, Pfc Casey Sheehan really believed. All I know is that if it was me who died, I'd be mortified to know that my mother pulled such stunts to promote her own ideas. I think that is wrong. Unfortunately, this will be Casey Sheehan's legacy. Someone who didn't believe in the war and was a victim of his own government.

Is that true? I don't know. Nobody does. But that's not the legacy I'd want left behind for me.

Thanks Mom. Thanks a lot.

I'm Not Only A Blood Doper...!

I'm also a blackmailing son of a bitch!

Yeah, I'll blame it on my manager, but when push comes to shove, I wanted the whole world to know that Greg LeMond got his package fondled when he was a little boy.

My name is Floyd Landis and I am a fucking cheater and a horrible human being, not to mention a jackass.

Isn't it about time we dismantle professional cycling once and for all? It's filled with the most dishonest and lecherous human beings. Mr. Landis is merely the posterboy for the rest of them.

New York Post Misses The Boat!

Is anybody really shocked to hear that Lindsay Lohan was videotaped snorting cocaine?

A real shocker would be "Lohan Spotted In Church" or "Lohan Sober on a Friday Night!"

I'm also not shocked that Paris Hilton was sentenced to a month and a half of jail time for drunk driving. But, I would be shocked if she actually serves any time. If she does, I'm sure it will be under the watchful eye of "The Simple Life: Penitentiary Days" producers. And millions of idiots will watch it every week.

And because I can't resist, "Brittany is an Adequate Mother", would be another shocker.

I can't believe the retarded lemmings of society actually worship and follow the lives of these three jackasses. The NY Post also needs to re-evaluate what falls into the category of "shocking".

"Lindsay, Paris and Brittany Dead!"...nope...that wouldn't be shocking either. I'd lay money on one of these three tards being dead in the next five years. What a loss!

Thank You Jesus For Sparing The Rest Of Us!

So, not only was St. Louis Cardinals pitcher, Josh Hancock, legally drunk x2 (.157 BAL), smoking pot (a marijuana pipe and about 7 grams of weed were found in his rental), and had previously totalled his vehicle a few days prior, he also was talking on his cellphone at the time of his accident! I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was changing his pants and wolfing down a Big Mac as well.

He basically drove into a stopped flatbed truck from what I understand.

Can anybody possibly feel bad that he's pushing up daisies? Fertilizer and worm food are probably the most productive uses for this waste of flesh. I can only thank god that this human time bomb didn't take anybody else with him.

Good Riddance Jackass! (You've just experienced another Bluey obituary!)

Those Slippery Rock Bred Educators Have Infiltrated My Alma Mater!

It seems that one of those SRU grads got placed in my old school. Read the following Fox News report:

New York City Educator Gets 'F' in English After Poorly Written Note is Sent to Parents
Thursday, May 03, 2007

A New York City educator is in hot water after sending out a scathing note to parents riddled with spelling and grammatical errors.

Michael Levy, a health academy dean at Markham Intermediate School in Staten Island, N.Y., sent home the letter to around 100 eighth graders on Monday after a rowdy food fight in the cafeteria, the Staten Island Advance reported.

In the letter, Levy used "unexcecpable" for "unacceptable," "activates" for "activities" and "caferteria" for "cafeteria."

The letter was also filled with contradictions. Levy wrote that the students would be collectively punished and prohibited from attending the prom and the year-end class trip, according to the Advance. He then wrote that the students' punishments would be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.

The note also promised to bar students from the prom if the letter was not signed by parents and returned to the school.

The school's principal, Emma Della Rocca, said the letter was unauthorized and that Levy would be evaluated at a conference on Friday. But parents are still scratching their heads over the error-filled note.

"I'd be worried that somebody was educating my son that doesn't know how to spell," Lucy Farfan-Narcisse, a parent whose child attends the school, told WCBS-TV. "That would be a great concern."

Dems Fail To Inspire

Well, it's been well over 100 days and besides the Democrats producing nary a viable candidate for the presidency, I think they have still failed to come up with any viable solutions to any of America's other issues, both foreign or domestic.

They have succeeded in wasting taxpayer's money in passing a troops funding bill that had no chance of becoming law.

In my eyes, that's one costly statement and I'm mad as hell that no one else seems to be upset by this.

The Democrats have blown much smoke and have accomplished nothing except giving Al Qaeda hope of an American prescribed and timed pullout of the Middle East.

And to top it off, we get Democratic presidential hopefuls with no chance of winning. Hillary (too divisive), Obama (way too inexperienced but has Oprah's support!) and Edwards (who I liked last go around until he's decided to take all crazy positions to broaden his appeal).

Is this the best the Democrats have? I honestly cannot believe that. Isn't there one centrist with a little common sense that would garner appeal from at least a small percentage of Republican voters? 2008 should be a Democrat grand-slam, but the party still seems to confused over what it wants to be.

At this point, I'm in John McCain's corner. He has clearly shown an ability over the past decade to be able to work with both parties effectively. The only question now is if the Republicans are smart enough to embrace someone who has not always towed the party line.

As for Nancy Pelosi, she has been so ineffective to this point that she should step down as Speaker of the House. As I predicted, she has been incredibly divisive and does nothing but polarize the House, making it incapable of any bipartisan agreement.

I'm not impressed. Somebody convince me already that there is hope from the Dems.

Magic In The Making?

Nobody gave the NY Rangers much of a chance to beat the Buffalo Sabres in Round 2 of the Eastern Conference playoffs. Admittedly, after going down two games to none in Buffalo, I was even starting to downgrade my expectations.

Then something magical happened. The Rangers started to figure Buffalo out. Their neutral zone play and relentless forechecking is starting to wear on Buffalo's young talented forwards. If Buffalo had a stud puck moving offensive defenseman, the Ranger gameplan probably wouldn't work, but without time to skate with the puck, the Buffalo forwards are turning the puck over with alarming frequency. This leaves time of puck control decidedly in the Rangers' favor.

Now, I don't know if the Rangers will advance past Buffalo. This series has the makings of a 7 game grindfest. But, unless Buffalo figures out a way to come with speed through the neutral zone into the offensive zone (which they did a few times in the last 10 minutes of Game 4), they are in danger of getting bounced.

And if there is a better goaltender than Henrik Lundquist in the NHL right now, I certainly don't see it. Henrik is absolute money between the pipes.

Lets go Rangers!!!

2007 Spring Pilgrimage

Attendees:

Meersky, Griffin, Tracer, Irish, Gavo, Hamdog, Poppinfresh, Erie, Cupcake, Sparrow, Bluey, Trimpdog, Choder, Ace, and Felatio.

We had some of the nastiest weather for the Spring Pilgrimage as it was rainy and cold and all the fields were pools of mud soup. The only outdoor activity consisted of Griffin, Ace, Sparrow, Poppinfresh and Cupcake braving the elements for a few games of Frisbee golf, which Griffin and Ace won. Cupcake provided the shot of the day in Game One with a long throw that hit the chains but just missed the basket.

Horatio Kiper was in charge of the NFL draft board and kept us up to date on team selections. Bluey's Rangers dropped a pair to the Buffalo Sabres as Erie taunted him all week. Axis and Allies, Munchkin, and Texas Hold'em kept the boys busy. Irish's Germany was able to hold off Griffin (Monty) and Felatio (Patton) in A&A. Ace prevailed in the Stones tournament and Griffin and Irish won the Texas Hold'em games.

Griffin, as usual, kept the troops strong with 3 excellent meals and late night spooning. Meersky had the quote of the weekend with "Sucking cock isn't rocket science". He made a quick save by explaining that servicing a woman is a real talent requiring much more effort and skill. We found out which girls were really skilled enough to be waitressess on the most ridiculous reality show ever recruiting girls for Coyote Ugly bars. Bluey pulled a two-fer making both Ace and Sparrow snarf beer out their noses in separate incidents before getting a "Good Night Choder" for his midnight bedtime.

Playoff hockey and movies also made the weather more palatible. Hobbling around on a broken foot did not cost me any problems as the Sugar Hill Invitational, VBP Horseshoes and the Genius-Tard Softball Classic were all cancelled.

All in all, an enjoyable weekend despite the crappy weather. Please feel free to add your favorite memories in the comments section. I'm sure I missed quite a bit gimping around.

Why Is This Bluey's Favorite Commercial?

I love the Geico Cavemen themed commercials, but my favorite one is the airport commercial.

Maybe I am a racist and the only reason I like this commercial because it is the only politically correct way to express my racism, by acceptably picking on an extinct group of people.

Maybe I just love the Royksopp "Remind Me" jingle.

Maybe it's that goofy bowling shirt and old antique wooden tennis racket that he's carrying.

Maybe it's the utter disgust on his face upon seeing the poster insinuating that he and his cavemen brethren are a bunch of mindless drooling idiots.

While I don't exactly know why I laugh at it, I'm more apt to believe that people in general like to laugh at grossly generalized stereotypes of other groups of people.

Kinda like people referring me to as a filthy greasy spaghetti eating wop.

What does that say about human nature in general? I don't know exactly but what I do know is that I can't stop watching this commercial.

Are You Strong Enough To Shake My Hand?

Sheryl Crow has given nasty creedence to the Seinfeld line, "I don't have a square to spare".

Sheryl surmises that a brilliant idea to curb global warming includes limiting your use of toilet paper to one square after taking a dump. Although she did add the caveat that sometimes 2 or 3 squares could possibly be necessary in times of digestive distress. How mighty white of her.

Is she fucking kidding me? Last I checked, it was in Georgia Pacific and other companies best interests to replant their natural resources to insure having a prosperous future in the paper business. Sheryl makes some crazy argument that somehow deforestation is occurring due to us excessively wiping our asses.

In this world where the irresponsible use of paper products is rampant, is this necessarily the place to cut our paper use?

Do you really want those folks at the Jack-In-The-Box making hamburgers after using their mandated one square in the bathroom? Will people ever really shake hands again? It's always amazed me to see how many people leave the bathroom without washing their hands. Will this number decrease after decreasing their toilet paper supply? I wouldn't take that bet. Do we really want to go back to the unsanitary, diseased cholera days of yesteryear to curb global warming?

It's no wonder Lance Armstrong left her filthy ass.

Sheryl, do us a favor, shut the brain off and spare us of your "ideas" and stick to what you do best, obviously better than all the rest of us...wiping your ass. And for the love of God, please wash your hands before you sign autographs...yuch!

The Infectiousness of Radiohead

I know that I've already extolled the virtues of Radiohead and my love of their music but with YouTube, I can't help but stumble onto new and wonderful versions of their music that I haven't seen before.

And for whatever reason, I just can't get enough of it, it just creeps into my brain.

This first clip is Knives Out. This song just hops into my soul and rattles around. I love this video, which shows the beauty in the construction of such a simple song.

The second clip is a live version of Paranoid Android, which incidentally I first saw Radiohead perform as the opening band live at Star Lake Amphitheatre on August 27th, 1996. It was after The Bends album and yet to be released on OK Computer. This is the song that solidified my love of Radiohead after their perfect The Bends album.

I can't exactly explain why I love this band so much except to say that they cannot be categorized and that their music is free form and incredibly infectious to me.

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7YuhhRMO4Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzSXTMUe0Do

Atlanta Man Gets His Hole Wrecked!

Kari Lehtonen, Atlanta Thrashers' goaltender tried a new goaltening technique (see picture to right), in an effort to quell the New York Rangers potent offense.

The result? Kari is bleeding rectally after giving up 7 goals in Game 3 of the NHL's opening round of the Eastern Coference playoffs.

"Thankfully, Coach is letting me hide on the bench tonight", said a dejected Lehtonen.

Ilya Kovulchuk, Atlanta's premier forward described Lehtonen's demeanor in the locker room. "He was pretty down. I tried my best to score goals without my stick and my gloves off while fighting Sean Avery, but somehow I just couldn't get the puck in the net or backcheck".

"I'm fat and old and well worth the 1st, 2nd and 3rd round picks that Waddy gave up for me", said veteran Keith Tkachuk.

"Mommy!!! My vagina hurts and Marcel is kicking my ass!", girly boy Marian Hossa was overheard exclaiming.

Rumor has it, Johan Hedberg will be wearing a Depends undergarment under his equipment to hide the fact that he'll be shitting himself under the precision Ranger attack.

How long after tonight will Coach Hartley and GM Waddell keep their jobs? I'm guessing they both may be fired by tomorrow afternoon.

Gooooooooooo Rangers!!!!!!

To Future Psychos

Do us all a favor and put a bullet in your own fucking brains before you decide to kill innocent people.

Fucking Ass Cancer Giving Retards!

Jackass Fired! Racism/Sexism Finished!

Anybody who thinks that the firing of jackass extraordinaire, Don Imus, will make the world a better place is delusional.

Granted, the digging of Imus' hole was long overdue. I could never figure out who listened to him other than 70+ year olds. The only problem I have with his "nappy haired hos" comment he made, was that he directed it at a bunch of college kids. What could they have possibly done to Imus the Shriv to warrant such name calling other than that Imus is an old frustrated bastard? Why pick on a bunch of kids? Whenever you bully those who can't defend themselves, you get what you deserve as far as I'm concerned. Had he called Rosie O'Donnell a fat headed dyke, I'm sure Rosie would have fired back something even more horrible on The View. But Imus chose to cowardly pick on a bunch of kids. To me, that's a no-no. As far as the rascist/sexist overtones, who are we kidding? We hear this kind of shit every day without any repercussions.

Rap music and popular music in general is full of this crap. The Dave Chappelle Show and Sarah Silverman Program (both of which I love), are also full of this brand of racist/sexist humor. We see this type of subject matter appear on our popular movies and TV shows. To a certain extent we have to accept that the freedom of speech means that every once in awhile we are going to hear something that offends us. Does that mean that we should take to the streets and thump our chests at every offense? Christ, has anybody ever watched South Park? If there isn't something to offend everyone on that show, then I'm surprised. But these shows go on and find advertisers.

In my opinion, Imus was an easy target. Rabble rousing criminal, Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson saw someone who could get their faces back in the spotlight. They have acheived nothing more than to get an old man fired from his job. I could give a rat's ass about Imus, but let's see if the gruesome twosome go after the biggest perpetrators of racism and sexism...rap stars. Don't hold your fucking breath because these guys are shams, hell bent on their own self promotion under the guise of making the world a better place.

The Reverend Al and Jesse will continue their hypocritical idiot parade which will do nothing to solve societies ills. But, what do they care? They don't really give a shit about anybody but themselves.

So they brought down Don Imus, who will probably be dead in a year or two anyway. Way to go guys, I can feel that the world is a better place today! Can I get an Amen!

Austeoporosis's 14th Birthday!

No, I'm not celebrating 14 years of bone loss. Bone loss is no laughing matter. But today, my "step-daughter", Austeo turns 14.

Happy Birthday Austeo!

Austeo was spoiled rotten with a hot pink Ipod Nano and an acoustic guitar, rode the bull and danced the "Cotton Eyed Joe" at the Texas Outhouse with her "sistas", Loni, Bebis and Kitty.

Bluey's TV: The Sarah Silverman Program

The Sarah Silverman Show is the new Comedy Central show I am absolutely addicted to. This could quite possibly be one of the most un-PC shows ever to be made. And the best thing about it: the show has absolutely no noble purpose whatsoever! It is totally without any substantial merit. This show could be perceived as the stupidest shows of all time as well, and I would not argue one bit.

And because of this, I give it 5 stars! I love Sarah Silverman and her retarded humor, it's golden.

Some of my favorite quotes from the first season of the show:

Host: I’m sorry but there’s no smoking allowed here.
Sarah: Go tie your balls in a knot, breeder!

Sarah: I'm a full-blooded dyke! And I say "dyke" because I'm like, taking the word back from The Man. Baby, I'm in it to win it. And when I say "it.", I mean "tit," and when I say "tit," I mean "your tit."
Tig: You better watch it. You're getting yourself way over your head.
Sarah: Hmmm, That's funny, 'cause that's where you're ankles are gonna be.

Sarah: If we can put a man on the moon, then we can put a man with AIDS on the moon. And then someday…we can put everyone with AIDS on the moon.

Sarah: (In a Public Service Announcement) Over 50 billion people get HIV everyday. That's one out of three people.

Nurse: Did you ever have a blood transfusion in the 80s?
Sarah: Yeah.
Nurse: (surprised) You did? You had a blood transfusion in the 80s?
Sarah: Oh! (laughs) No, I thought you said, "in Haiti"
Nurse: How long were you in Haiti?
Sarah: Uh...I don't know. That's kinda hard to say I was doing a lot of heroin at the time.

Homeless Man: Spare change?
Sarah: No.(Sarah begins singing again)
Homeless Man: You don't have any spare change?
Sarah: No, don't be a dick!

Sarah: (to a classroom full of kids) “I had to learn the hard way that it is not your sexual orientation, nor your color, or your religion or your race that gets you AIDS. It is your mouth, veins, tushy and vagina.”

Ghost: You must listen to me. This is important, Sarah! Please!
Sarah: Let me ask you something. If you're such a ghost then why don't you talk like (starts moaning like a ghost) this?
Ghost: That is a crude stereotype. Talking like that to a ghost would be like saying the "n word" to a black person.
Sarah: Oh really? Well interrupting a Jewish person while she's urinating is like saying the Holocaust never happened so I guess we're (starts moaning like a ghost) even.

Sarah: I learned so much today, Doug. I learned that orange cough syrup can make your car fly. And I learned that Laura needs a man in her life to feel good about herself. It's sad. Also I learned, whether you're gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know? Because, at the end of the day they're both gross. But mostly I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years. But that younger black women are prostitutes.

Sarah: Laura, stop flirting. Like he's really going to be interested in some sex addict with a tiny vagina.

Sarah: Of course I’ll you move your furniture for a slice of pizza, I’m only human

Sarah: Wait, why wasn’t I invited?
Laura: Well, Natalie said you had some kind of emergency.
Sarah: Yeah, I stubbed my vagina.
Laura: You can stub it?
Sarah: I can, I don’t know about you.

Give the show a whirl. I think that it is an absolute howl. Where else can you get a farting contest that ends in Sarah shitting herself and then sleeping with God (who turns out to be black and an unsatisfying lover by the way).

The show won't cure cancer but is juvenile fun from bang to boom. Quite possibly a potential cancer cure!

Bluey Sidelined, Foul Play Suspected!

Yesterday, while racing my girls and Tay on a running track at twilight, I learned three things:

1. Never run at twilight without contacts in or glasses on.

2. When you turn 40, having footraces against your kids is probably not the smartest activity to be involved in.

3. There just is no trusting that middle daughter, Bebis, who was spotted shortly before race time, placing hurdles in her dad's lane.

Okay, that last point may be unsubstantiated, but never-the-less, I didn't see the hurdle and after I pulled up in a dead heat versus Loni, I went ass over head and broke my ankle.

Even though many evil sonsofbitches are requesting a video of said event to be posted to You Tube, I am emphatically stating that none exists, you heartless bastards.

Feel free to bring over hot meals, massage girls and a bottle to piss in because my stairs will be the death of me. Please bring massage girls after Tay's 9PM bedtime!

Bluey's Gals 3, Bluey and Tootie 2.

My Mom is in town this weekend and last night I took her and my girls to see the NY Rangers-Penguins game at the Mellon arena. Mom was starting to give me ear cancer from her incessant talking, so I figured a nice "quiet" Mellon Arena would give my tired ears a much deserved break.

And then something wonderful happened.

The Rangers score! 1-0 Rangers.

And again. Rangers score! 2-0. At this point my girls are bumming but positive that the Penguins will come back. My mom is thoroughly enjoying the game and my ears are starting the slow healing process.

Then the third period comes.

Now, at this point, you have to know something about my seats at the Mellon Arena. They are positioned right below the goal horn and when it blasts, it is quite deafening. But since the Penguins are getting their sorry asses shut out by King Henry, the horn has been silent.

Then comes the onslaught...Malkin....bbbbbwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Crosby....bbbbbbwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

And then in overtime, Colby "Fucking" Armstrong......bbbbbbwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Bluey's Gals go home elated, positively bouncing down the streets of Pittsburgh and Bluey goes home sad. The echo of the horns buzz in my brain for hours after the game but only provide background to Tootie's incessant buzz.

I love my Mom but she gives me cancer. I think just about anybody out there can appreciate that. Oh, and the Rangers give me cancer sometimes too. But I still love them as well.

Can Bud Selig Be A Bigger Jackass?

I am so fucking irate about the news posted yesterday about Major League Baseball signing an exclusive deal with DirectTV for the rights of the MLB Extra Innings package. The deal is backhanded and smacks of someone in the MLB offices (Selig or Dupay or both?) getting their pockets lined by DirectTV.

The deal is probably meaningless to those who still live in their hometown, but for anyone who is a transplant, this was a fucking stake to the heart of the baseball fan.

Being a New York City native and avid Mets fan, for years I had no option to watch the Mets play except for a game here or there when they were featured on ESPN, TBS or WGN. Then along comes the MLB Extra Innings package and I could watch any Met game of my choosing, as well as any other top matchup of the day. The package was carried by multiple carriers and available to just about anybody, no matter their cable/satelite package. I enjoyed it for the last two years.

Then, some knucklehead gets the bright idea that exclusivity to one cable/satelite company would be more beneficial to baseball and MLB signs a 700M deal with DirectTV to exclusively carry all the MLB games (along with MLB.com), and that DirectTV would also sponsor a new MLB channel including, I guess all the startup costs. Then they turn around and subsidize costs, passing them down the line to the DirectTV subscribers, who in turn will get the pleasure of having the new fledgling station on their cable system that everyone will pay for but only baseball fans will watch.

Bud Selig and the other cronies at MLB signed off on this without even considering a similar deal to the other companies. God only knows who backed the truck up and took kickbacks to agree to such a deal that so obviously screws us transplanted fans.

DirectTV estimates the amount of trnasplanted fans who are interested in this package to be unsubstantial. Those who are unwilling or due to geographical issues, unable to utilize a satelite signal to sign up with DirectTV I guess can go fuck themselves.

So, in other words, Bud Selig has told me to get DirectTV or go fuck myself.

And now he incurs the wrath of Bluey.

Bud, I hope you fucking die tonight and I hope it is a very painful death. Maybe getting caught in a woodchipper or falling into a well and breaking every bone in your body. There'd be enough water to ensure your survival for 10 days or so, but in a hell of a lot of pain. Hell, I'd throw down a Big Mac every other day if it would keep you alive and in pain for a few months. Then your skin would get so waterlogged that it would probably come off like Smucker's jelly and the bugs would probably feast on your decaying flesh. I'm sure your heart would give after a month or two but I wouldn't be that disappointed, since my cruelty only goes so far.

Now, I hear that John Kerry and other politicians are joining the fray. Believe me, they are not doing this out of the kindness of their hearts. Think about it. They are all transplanted baseball fans too, living in DC and forced to watch the pathetic Nationals if they lose their MLB packages.

I'm glad though to hear fans speak up about this, because this is bullshit.

I hope Al Qaeda bombs the MLB and DirectTV corporate office buildings. Hell, maybe I'd be willing to forward them the schematics. Fucking jackasses.

Is it any wonder that baseball has fallen to #2 in this country? You really don't have to look any further than the uneven salary structure to figure that one, but this TV deal shows you the true heart of MLB.

And they are not about the fans.

BS Poker: March 3, The Return Of Mr. Bubbles!

(Mama Meersky as seen in Art Studios playing deck circa 1954)

Fresh from his triumphant return from the hamdog residence in Awahoo, Mr. Bubbles was pimping out his oldest ho's for those in attendance to enjoy!

Those attending the festivities included:

The Swallowers: FNG, Officer Mehoff, Mrs. FNG and Choder (as Mayor McCheese of Swallower's Row, who enjoyed residential status but lived in an Upper St. Clair condo as his primary residence). Officer Mehoff and Mrs. FNG served as the King and Queen of the Row.

The Gaggers: Griffin (Grimace), Herr Gavo (The Hamburgler), Irish (Ronald McDonald) and Bluey. Herr Gavo and Cullster served as the Ivory throne rulers of team Gag. Meersky joined later and became what else? The Octagon or the Human Stop sign.

Tracer was also in attendance but refused to choose or preference between swallowing and gagging.

The gang enjoyed some Mineo's pizza, enjoyed Gavo's new short movie entitled "The Shaft", before quite possibly the strangest game of BS Poker broke out. The table divided right down the middle and became a battle between the Swallowers and the Gaggers. An absolute war broke out and continued according to a Mason-Dixon like feud. After about 3 hours of tense play, the table was mixed up and all roads led to a stop sign (Mr. Meersky).

The evening saw much drinking as even Bluey got drunk on sangria (with Choder and Mrs. FNG) and Mrs. FNG couldn't keep a chair under her towards the end of the evening.

The memorable quotes of the night (special thanks to Irish and Griffin, who compiled them):

"Jack's in the army so he's used to fucking guys" Irish?

"The Karma cut" Irish

"I know what a full house is motherfuckers ..." Mrs. FNG

"You should recognize this flag. It roamed around Germany quite a bit", FNG to Herr Gavo as he pointed to the American flag.

"It does not pay to gag on swallowers row", Bluey to Swallowers Row after a gag cost a resident a quarter.

"Jody is mayor gags-a-lot of the town of Swallowers row" Bluey

"There's nothing worse than swallow on swallow crime", Irish after the Swallowers started to eat their own in a series of betrayals.

"They are cheating and they're still losing..." Herr Gavo

"The trust tree has termites." Griffin

"And theres a beaver at the trunk (of the trust tree, reference to Mrs. FNG)" Bluey

"You can join one of us" Officer Mehoff to Griffin
What, so I can be in the majority of the losers?" Griffin

"Swallower's row has just become Windy Knob"

"I was in the woods with my brother that day" Officer Mehoff
"I bet you were!" Bluey

"(According to Meersky) The hooters chicks hit the wall before the deck was even printed" Bluey

"The beaver chased away the termites..., trust has been returned"

"I reinvest... I flush" Herr Gavo on his investments in Swallower's Row.

"He (Officer Mehoff) just ordered Choder to fall on the cock"

And then we brought out the 1954 Art Studios Granny Cards provided by the Octagon. Then all hell broke loose!

"Granny has a tranny" Herr Gavo

"You would squirt blood before you'd squirt semen, if you spanked off to these cards!" Bluey

"That's why the plastic is on there (pic of Bluey's kid)... so you can give her the money shot"

Irish was given a pair of jacks then says to Bluey "pair of sixes". When told by Officer Mehoff that a pair of sixes don't beat a pair of jacks, he gets confused.

Gavin fucks up a straight by "improving it" to 2 aces.

"Is this your first day?" Meersky to Herr Gavo on handing the cards to Bluey rather than Meersky on the deal.

"Is he really retarded? Officer Mehoff to Irish about Gavo.

"Look at Griffin over there...the little mother fucker"

Overall, a very tense but enjoyable night. BS Poker was played until around midnight at least until the festivities were brought down by an episode of "Cops: Skeevemont", and heads started getting cracked.

Now If I Could Only Play Crackdown On My Crackberry!

My name is Bluey.
I got a Crackberry.
I got a Crackberry, shiny and new.
I'm going to play me a whole lot of Crackdown
and check out my email too.

I got a Blackberry for work and boy is it convenient when you are out and about and want to stay in touch with email or need internet information. I've had it for three days and I'm already addicted to it. Now, while I'm playing Crackdown at home, I don't even need to get up from the couch to go upstairs to check my email. I hit pause and it's right there at my fingertips.

What can I say, I'm a major crackwhore every which way I turn. Having a full keyboard with big buttons to send email from the Crackberry is awesome, especially since I suffer from abnormally large digits.

Gotta go and get me a piece of the rock! I've gotta try blogging from the Crackberry next if it's possible.