Halo 2 Personalities: Part II

(submitted by Irish, embellished and spell-checked by Bluey)

Irish Vehicle Whore:
Battle clad in a gay green shamrock, this kind of player doesn't really try to go for the weapons or the kills, over grabbing the keys to the warthog and driving everyone around from place to place. Typical passenger includes Migrant Mexican blueberry pickers. He's like an Irish Cab driver who can't lay off the vehicles, despite another player having an obvious missile lock and spare rocket for his ass. Usual post game stats read something like this: Kills :1, Assists: 50, Medals: 16*, Life Span: 15 Minutes. If you want to get rid of this player, load coagulation without any vehicles and *poof*, he's gone! This strategy has been used by the Rocket Whore.* In case SeaWall (Spawn Camping Fuck) is wondering, these are "run over" kills medals.

Alaskan Beer Drinkers (AKA The McKenzie Brothers of the Great White North):
I don't know if these guys are Irish, but they sure seem drunk all the time when they play Halo 2. One thing the clan noticed is that you have to turn down your headset volume when the one called Badow screams in his slurred speech. The one called Grip admittedly isn't as bad as his brother, but Badow is known to do some really stupid shit from time to time. (ex run to the wrong base with the flag, or tries to plant the bomb in the wrong place.) Master Chief needs to join the AA at some point to fix this drinking problem. Team play with these two can sometimes be a real experience after they've had a few beers.

Whiskey Playa:
This game type lives in a place called Champagne, Illinois, which shows he also has a serious love for alcohol. This gamer is a perpetual student nicknamed Beeb and has been known to make a mint juleps or two prior to hitting the power button, although a dry martini is not out of line if the juleps is sparse. The drunker he gets, the funnier he is to play with, as he begins to say damn near anything to his teammates, complains about art school, or the crazy bullshit his professors make him do on a weekly basis. The only problem with this type of player is he doesn't play enough, but then again, he's got lots of homework to do. Beebs especially likes forty-something southern broads that live in trailers, especially the Family Gal.

Green-Horn:
This is the person that signed up for X-box live, and maybe uses it 2-3 times per year. They don't play Halo 2 with us much because it intimidates them, or they die all the time. When asked why they don't play much they reply: "All I do is die, and I can't kill anyone. I just suck!" Meanwhile, we all know that this is not so much the result as it is the cause of their suckdom. The reason they suck is because they never play, which causes them to suck, which causes them not to play, which causes them to suck, which causes them not to play..., well, you get the point. I won't mention any names like François, Cupcake, Choder, Specter Zero, etc.

Tank Whore:
This player type lives to hop into the tank and roll over the skulls of those who would dare try to take the tank off of him. He can be found on Coagulation firing the tank gun on innocent spawn victims who happen to pop up around the base. Of course he waits until they are two feet from the base before killing them. He considers this tactic, "giving them half a chance" and thereby relieving himself of the "spawn camping fuck" tag in his own mind. When someone else gets in the tank, he makes it a personal vendetta to recover the tank from the invader. If a person blows up the tank, this player type often seeks revenge. Many boards don't allow for Tanks, which sadden this individual, however he's a capable fighter despite these conditions. His secret wish is for a Tanks on Midship game type.

The Family Gal (submitted by Bluey, no need to get Irish in trouble):
Enjoys watching hermaphroditic porn with her 5-year old son. Claims that her special bond allows them to fully enjoy the medium without it being "inappropriate" as some uneducated cads claim it to be. May or may not live in a trailer depending on who you ask. Henrietta Pussycat makes her wet. The Family Gal can usually be found teaming up with the donkey punched Svetlana in a desperate effort to prove that women can play with the big boys. Unfortunately, she usually ends up as a "snak-pak" and her body pudding can be found littering the game boards. She has a southern drawl and may or may not have a set of balls for a chin.

Halo 2 Personalities: Part I

If you've ever jumped on X-box Live to play Halo 2, you realize that the X-box live community is filled with a whole host of unsavory characters that can make your gaming experience an exquisite torture.

The Halosphere is filled with individuals with little to no social grace and have no place in civilized society. Being called a "motherfucking homo nigger" on a regular basis is commonplace. The safety of anonymity lets the retards of society fully express their Id without any threat of repurcussions. Of course, I am always a total gentleman when I play online. I'm the consummate team player and like to think that I make those around me, better human beings. Unfortunately, I can't say as much for others.

I've been playing on X-Box Live on and off sporadically for a year now. Here are a couple of personality types that I've run into during my experiences:

The Balldropper:
The Balldropper is the 8-15 year old kid whose testicles haven't dropped yet. He can be identified by his girlish high screetch as he says things like "I got dibs on the Needler!" and "You took my sniper rifle...give it back!". This is one of the most annoying characters in the game. These little kids curse like sailors and need to be bitchslapped by their retarded parents, who in turn need to be bitchslapped for not being spayed or neutered in the first place.

The Blueberry-Picking Mexican:
The BPM is a real trophy. Because he lives in a warm climate and can't afford air conditioning, he blows a fan directly into his face as he plays. The result, is an insane amount of noise through his mic when he talks. He will consistently call others gay. The peculiar thing is that he often is known to ask other players to suck his dick. He loves riding in Halo vehicles because his blueberry-picking job doesn't afford him the luxury of driving vehicles in real life. He usually can be found driving the warthog or flying the Banshee because he fears the inevitable bitchslapping in hand to hand combat. He's a nice guy but be glad you don't actually have to smell his dirty greasy Mexican ass in person. That is unless he teabags you. It's his signature move. Be glad that the Guardians patrol the US-Mexican border.

The SeaWall (or Spawncamping Fuck-SCF):
The SCF also is not a big fan of hand to hand combat. He is perfectly happy standing 4 miles away from a spawn area with a sniper rifle and waiting an entire 30 minute game to register his 6 kills per game. He is more interested in accumulating medals than actually winning the game. He most looks forward to the game stats at the end so that he can rub the number of medals he got in everyone's face. He spooges over killing defenseless people that have just spawned into the game. The Sea Wall on Zanzibar is soiled beyond cleaning from the amount of time he spends there. No, it's not bird shit, it's SCF jism. The SCF will never admit to his spawn camping and can usually be found in the most obscure place on the board. If he could snipe from space on Headlong, he'd do it.

The Rocket Whore:
This person probably wasn't breast fed enough as an infant and relies on the Rocket Launcher as his pacifier. If you never see the rocket launcher in a thirty minute game, it's because he has the timing down pat to get it every time as soon as it spawns. He wishes that he had the mad skilz of, say...a Bluey, but in the end, he lives by the mantra...One shot, one kill. Psychologists may theorize that he is making up for a deficiency in some area but I'll leave that to the experts. When the rocket whore is not rocket whoring, he's usually sniping (again, one shot...). The rocket whore also knows all kinds of cheat codes to dodge rockets in the slim chance that another player gets to use the weapon. He is known to use the infamous (star,dot, circle, double diamond, left trigger finger) cheat code to have rockets pass right through him.

Henrietta Pussycat:
This fucking weirdo gets off killing people and then in Mr. Roger's Land of Make Believe, Henrietta Pussycat voice says, "meow, meow, killed you meow stupid meowthafucker, meow, meow". Obviously a tortured soul who is probably missing a ballsack due to an unfavourable divorce settlement. Henrietta is a man trapped in a female puppet's body. He probably wears women's panties and rubs his nipples after every kill. Henrietta cannot operate vehicles and has been known to fall out of the Banshee.

The Donkey Punched Svetlana:
This is a Russian chick who thinks she's Ivan Drago and that she can mop the floor with good wholesome American boys. You can find her getting owned on...ASCENSION...as well as countless other boards. What people don't know about her is that it is suspected that she usually hands the controller over to her husband to play while she plays secretary and operates the switchboard. She is extremely susceptible to the donkey punch to the back of the head and prefers you to complete the sodomy after she's dead. She thinks she's a real bad ass but we know better. She's fun to have around and sounds dead sexy with that accent. It's only because the rest of us are beating off to her voice, that she has some stellar games. I can't help thinking about "From Russia With Love", when I'm playing with her.

The Johnny Cash Impersonator:
This guy runs around the board, singing about "his burning ring of fire", while legislating due to his insane rage from grapefruit size hemmorhoids. He's known to pal around with the Rocket whore and it's no wonder "it burns, burns, burns...this ring of fire!". Rumor has it that the two have been seen in a Cleveland hotel together doing the nasty. Mr. I've Been Everywhere also has a soft spot for gay Xbox games such as Championship Poker and more notably, Project Gaythem, where he can be found tooling around circles looking for a boy toy. Mr Cash's singing has been known to make ears bleed and he uses this as a weapon. He also has a strange and sick twisted fetish for claymation and has been known to run a "wererabbit" up the ol' flag pole, if you know what I mean.

To be continued...