District 9 Stole Two Hours of My Life!

Oh my God, I just wasted two hours of my life! What a horrendous movie. Every once in awhile a movie is released with tons of fanfare and bamboozles the masses. This is one of those movies. The only thing I can imagine is that it is hailed as some sort of allegory on racism. If that's true, it fails miserably and is downright insulting. Don't waste your time if you haven't already seen it...I was so prepared to love this movie, but the story seemed like it came out of the mind of an eight year old. I can't believe peter Jackson associated himself with this tripe.

***WARNING: PLOT SPOILERS***

So, if the fine folks of South Africa made contact with an alien race with technology that far exceeds our own, they'd herd them all together, make no attempt to "connect" with them other than by "evil medical experimentation". Somehow, they''d learn their language, but nothing about their culture or where they came from. Not to mention that no nations other than South Africa would even become involved in the process of housing them.

They'd treat them like children and zoo animals and place them in a walled ghetto with free access to dangerous regional warlords, who apparently trade cat food for alien weapons. You heard it right...they allow the aliens to keep all of their dangerous weapons (not to mention the command module of the mothership, which in 28 years is never found?), or that we have to assume they are building weapons from scratch from garbage and used tin cans or whatever the local warlord gives them (like all the random computer parts).

The aliens are obviously extremely intelligent and dangerous. The movie's super simple plot line involves the relocation of the aliens a couple of miles down the road to...get this...District 10!. No, I am not kidding you.

Officials naively walk up to the dangerous aliens in order to get their signatures to move them, uh, right after flame broiling their babies right in front of them? If you are flame torching their babies, why are you worrying about getting their okay on relocation?

This movie was so incredibly ridiculous and childishly conceived, it's laughable. Does humankind even worry that with the alien technology, another ship arriving to our planet would probably have the capacity to wipe us out? Duh....but I guess we're all a bunch of mad, alien killing retards on this planet...

Notice to alien species...humans only have the capacity to treat your race with dignity for a few years. By year 28, we'll be murdering them and their babies, but we'll have them fill out the proper forms before we do!

Whoa...that IS deep....lol....like two feet of shit deep...

"Obama Joker" Is Offensive

As much as I disagree with President Barack Obama's policies, I can't take folks seriously when they carry around the picture on the left with Mr. Obama done up as the Joker from "The Dark Knight" movie.

US Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart once said "I can't define pornography, but I know it when I see it". I get a pit in my stomach and feel the same way about racism when I see images of the white-face Obama on protest signs. It just doesn't smell right at all. C'mon people, you are better than that.

Lets drop this nonsensical image and concentrate on the issues. God knows there's enough of them without introducing race into the mix. God, I hate even posting this picture on my blog...

First Day Free Ranging!

Churkey's December 26th hatchlings were finally ready for prime time today as we had a nice warm day and there were no longer the extra roosters to harrass them!

At about 4 weeks old, the pair enjoyed stretching their legs outside for the first time and go from the brooder cage in the garage to officially free ranging chickens. Mom showed them how to find bugs and both enjoyed their first worms!

Names are pending. Feel free to offer suggestions.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys...Whatcha Gonna Do?

Two abusive roosters became roasters today much to the relief of all of our hens. They had poor Ginja on the brink of exhaustion. The poor gal wouldn't even return to the coop at night... Bambi (left-6mos) and Orpy (right-9mos) finally pushed the hens too far and they will now become tonight and Tuesday's dinner!

Liar, Liar!

This woman was absolutely prepared to push through the Senate version of the ObamaCare bill in the House right on the heels of the Scott Brown win in Massachusetts.

Much like her claim that failure of passing the stimulus bill was going to result in 500 million jobs lost (there are only 300+M people in the entire US), Nancy isn't too good at math. With large groups of progressives and Stupak ammendment Democrats, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that they would lose more than 4 votes trying to pass it. I'm guessing that they are at least 30-40 votes short.

Just yesterday, she claimed that they would move forward regardless. Today, she's saying there is no rush. What a moron! Silence is better than outright ignorance, Nancy.

WASHINGTON (AP) - Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Thursday that she lacks the votes to quickly move the Senate's sweeping health overhaul bill through the House, a potentially devastating blow to President Barack Obama's signature issue.

Pelosi, D-Calif., made the comment to reporters after House Democrats held a closed-door meeting at which participants vented frustration with the Senate's massive version of the legislation.

Her concession meant there was little hope for a White House-backed plan to quickly push the Senate-approved health bill through the House, followed by a separate measure making changes sought by House members, such as easing the Senate's tax on higher-cost health plans. Such an approach would be "problematic," she said.

"In its present form without any changes I don't think it's possible to pass the Senate bill in the House," Pelosi said, adding, "I don't see the votes for it at this time."

Pelosi's remarks signaled that advancing health legislation through Congress will likely be a lengthy process — despite Democrats' desire for a quick election-year pivot to address jobs and the economy, which polls show are the public's top concern.

"We're not in a big rush," Pelosi said. "Pause, reflect."

What Can Brown Do For You? A Massachusetts Miracle!

Scott Brown (R) did what was thought to be impossible last night.

As a Republican/Independent, he won the Senate seat claimed by Democrats to be Ted Kennedy's seat.

In doing this, he has, in effect, thwarted the irresponsible ObamaCare bill and will also put an end to dreams of a whole host of bad bills such as Cap and Trade, Stimulus III, Amnesty for Illegals, etc..., not to mention granting terrorists the rights of US citizens.

Americans, as judged by the reaction by voters in blue state, Massachusetts, have finally decided that enough was enough.

Praise Jesus!

This is not to say that Democrats won't continue to press on these bad bills and ram ObamaCare down our throats, but now we know what the ramifications of these actions will be.

It's a great day for America!

Obama's Goose Cooked: Blame Al Franken?

Obviously, Barack Obama has no one to blame but himself, but I'll make the claim that Al Franken provided the ignition to Obama's Titanic collapse. Well, even I admit, that is a bunch of bullshit.

Elected in on a wave of optimism and a thirst for change, Americans chose to look past the fact that President Obama had zero experience tangible to the presidency. No executive experience, less than a year in the Senate and never had to make a payroll in his life. He came in promising to be a bipartisan reformer and that the glow of transparency would expose all Washington, DC politicians for the self serving cronies that they were. Interestingly enough, Nancy Pelosi brought a broom into the House of Representatives when she was announced as Speaker of the House, promising to sweep out all the "political debris" and clean up that branch of government.

We were supposed to get a fresh start and a change in the way things are done in Washington DC's inner sanctum.

It never happened.

Although you can make a case that it is Al Franken's fault. I don't think that I believe this. I sort of think that we would have gotten the same result albeit it may have taken much longer to get here. Instead of taking on massive amounts of water early, we probably would have had a slower leak that would have achieved the same result.

My theory is that once Al Franken was announced as the 60th Democratic senator, the Obama administration huddled up and gave up any illusions of bipartisanship. It saw a supermajority as a once in a lifetime chance to push through every piece of garbage legislation they could. Every Democratic wish list was going to come to fruition by hook or by crook, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. The Republicans were powerless to stop them, they figured. Hell, they didn't even invite Republicans into the chambers to craft the bills. They locked the doors and went it alone. The only lip service they gave to Republicans was to complain about them being the "Party of No".

Problem is...they forgot about the American people and what they wanted. The US citizen is who Obama should have been concerned with, not Republicans. Instead, Obama decides to embrace the lunatic far left wing of the party, who disregard US citizens as mouth breather hate monger racists.

They treat Americans as badly as they treat the Republicans.

They bailed out banks, insurers, and the auto industry unions. They passed a stimulus bill laden with every perceivable Democrat wish list item even though Obama promised to go through the bills line by line and veto earmarks. They passed Cap and Trade in the House in order for Obama to look good in Copenhagen for the Climate meeting. It failed miserably and the bill is almost unpassable as written in the Senate. Obama's Attorney General, Eric Holder, decided to try terrorists, starting with KSM in American courts and granted them the rights of US citizens. He offered us no real reasoning for doing this. I guess Americans aren't smart enough to know the difference. Then came healthcare, the largest piece of garbage that US legislation has ever seen. To get it passed, so many Democratic special interests and politicians had to be bribed just to support it.

And as each cog was added to the machine, concerned Americans started taking to the streets. Just a handful here and there at first, then little by little the Tea Party movement was born and started to grow as spending pushed into the trillions.

Did the President address their concerns? Nope, not at first. First, Obama turned the mainstream media and his staff on them. Calling old men and ladies, stay at home moms, students and many of the middle class who showed up to protest: astroturf of the extreme right wing of the Republican Party. Nancy Pelosi had very unkind words for them. Liberal TV talking heads started calling them "teabaggers". Never thought I'd see the day, that mainstream television would use the term teabagger on the news. Janet Napolitano said that the biggest threat to national security would be our own returning GI's who could be recruited into some sort of ultra right wing army.

I can go on and on and cite so many more Obama administration folks who said similar things. It's truly embarrassing.

The supermajority went to Obama's head and now he's hit an iceberg called Scott Brown, the soon to be senator of Massachusetts, who will replace Ted Kennedy. Democrats are aghast that a Republican is on the verge of winning a senate seat in a place that there hasn't been a sitting Republican senator since the 70's.

But, just like a drunk who is convinced that one more drink will cure the hangover, they look for other ways to push through a healthcare bill that doesn't even garner 40% of the popular vote. Instead, they blame Martha Coakley for not campaigning correctly or not being a good enough candidate. Maybe they are right as Martha makes a comment that the Taliban is no longer in Afghanistan on a day that Kabul is burning from a Taliban offensive. But, in fairness to Coakley, I'd say that Obama is the anchor sinking her campaign.

Even now, Democrats don't see the writing on the wall. The CNN, MSNBC and major networks are presenting this election as angry voters tired of corruption in the state. Under no circumstance is this election a referendum on Obama. Well, they can delude themselves all they want. We know the truth. So do they. They talk about it in the backrooms, believe me.

Scott Brown will win and thwart healthcare, whether by his vote or in a groundswell to fight ObamaCare through the courts.

And in November 2010, a huge amount of Democrats are going to lose their jobs. Not because the Republicans are better candidates but simply because the Democrats decided to shit on rank and file Americans in 2009 to push their agendas, no matter what the cost (jobs, higher taxes).

Americans don't like being railroaded.

Prepare for a major shitstorm on Tuesday and in 2010.

You deserve it!

Say What You Want About Fox News...

The simple fact of the matter is that across the cable new networks, America clearly prefers Fox News by HUGE margins even though the Democrats will have you believe that Conservatism and the Republican Party is dead in the U.S. These numbers (pulled from this past Monday) are apparently indicative of what the numbers have been like for the past eight years. Even if you add up the liberal leaning cable news networks, in many cases they don't touch the ratings on Fox News.

I actually found this to be pretty shocking because I would have believed that people just don't care about issues that are purposefully not covered on left leaning news networks. I'm surprised that many of the liberal pundits are able to stay employed while routinely getting their asses kicked on a nightly basis.

This definitely restores my faith in the overall intelligence of news watchers. I watch the other news channels from time to time and find them to be incredibly lacking and downright insulting. Lazy journalism runs rampant on these networks that mainly broadcast the news that is presented to them as fact. Investigative journalism has been replaced by personal smears and attacks. Sometimes, it is even directed at fellow liberals, such as Joe Liebermann's wife when Joe failed to fall in line on ObamaCare.

Keith Olbermann is a pretentious jackass and Rachel Maddow... I get it...you're gay and feel that anyone who doesn't support the gay right cause of the day, is a bigoted moron. They both claim that the Tea Party movement is funded by Big Pharma/Insurance companies. They also believe that conservatives are a pack of racists for disagreeing with our president's policies. Now, I expect this sort of nonsense from ignoramus Janeanne Garafolo, but it is downright embarrassing coming from a news anchor. Hard to believe that an idea like that doesn't garner them huge ratings. Chris Matthews is an Obama lapdog much like that of the main networks, NBC, CBS and ABC.

Ratings like these show that not all Americans have drank the Kool-Aid and that a growing number are starting to sober up.

As someone who has to read news all day, it's heartening to see folks waking up. When the Soviet Union's Pravda newspaper starts covering stories (see Climategate) that our mainstream media ignores, I find that to be incredibly embarrassing.

25-54 demographic: (L +SD)

Total day: FNC: 418 | CNN: 132 | MSNBC: 95 | HLN: 145

Prime: FNC: 742 | CNN: 166 | MSNBC: 207 | HLN: 205

	5p:	6p:	7p:	8p:	9p:	10p:	11p:
FNC	Beck:	Baier:	Shep:	O'Reilly:	Hannity:	Greta:	O'Reilly:
	709	480	515	932	778	506	445
CNN	Blitzer:	Blitzer:	Tonight:	Brown:	King:	Cooper:	Cooper:
	147	107	121	133	176	188	153
MSNBC	Matthews:	EdShow:	Matthews:	Olbermann:	Maddow:	Olbermann:	Maddow:
	82	82	148	232	208	181	128
HLN	Prime:	Prime:	Issues:	Grace:	Behar:	Grace:	Showbiz:
	74	133	187	305	138	188	148

Data by Nielsen Media Research. Live and same day (DVR) data.

Bebis Turns 15!

We celebrated Bebis' 15th birthday at Red Robin last night.

Ol' Red himself showed up to greet her at the door.

We had a great time and stuffed ourselves so full, that we didn't even have room for the cookie cake!

Happy birthday Bebis!

Reeeeeeeeeeeeed Robin!!!

BioShock: Welcome To Rapture!

I am Andrew Ryan and I am here to ask you a question:
Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow?

No, says the man in Washington; it belongs to the poor.
No, says the man in the Vatican; it belongs to God.
No, says the man in Moscow; it belongs to everyone.

I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something
different. I chose the impossible. I chose...Rapture.

A city where the artist would not fear the censor.
Where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality.
Where the great would not be constrained by the small.
And with the sweat of your brow,
Rapture can become your city as well.

— Andrew Ryan

I spent the New Year's three day weekend immersed in the underwater city of Rapture after picking up BioShock for the Xbox360. All I can say is...Wow! What a great game.

Set in an Ayn Rand dystopian Atlantis-like city underwater, this game comes complete with a wonderful back story, an incredible soundtrack of old songs that paint a ghost of the past and an eerie world where you can just roam the city looking at the poster boards, graffiti and other adornments.

Released in 2007, I finally got around to playing this single player title and it did not disappoint. After three sleepless days, I actually lamented finishing this game. Lots of thrills and an odd assortment of characters and a story that just pulls you in. The weapons were really cool and the genetic mutations (plasmids) were a lot of fun to experiment with for different effects.

BioShock gets an A from me and joins Crackdown and Dead Rising as the gems of the past few years. The feel of the game though is unmatched by any other. It really pulls you into its' world and let you live there if for only a brief period of time.

Yet Another Obama Incompetent

Where does the Obama administration come up with its' merry band of incompetents.

In the first place, a person on the terror watch list gets placed on the no-fly list based on information given by his OWN father. Somehow, he is still able to board the plane because the Dept. of Homeland Security and the State Dept. can't get their heads out of their own asses for two minutes to do their jobs updating new information.

Secondly, these retards then have the gall to tell us afterwards that the system worked. Which I guess means that flyers are responsible for defusing terror incidents on board for themselves.

Then, we are told that it's Bush's fault since his systems are still in place. It's funny how as bad as Bush is portrayed to be, we were safe for eight years. If the Dems thought Bush's systems were so bad, is there any particular reason that a year wasn't enough time to replace them? Or is it that the folks in place haven't a clue as to what they are doing?

I choose the latter.

Janet Napolitano says "Derrrrrrrrr!!!"

Honestly, if you are a Democrat who voted for Obama, and you are still riding this train wreck of an administration, you get what you deserve.

We now have a terrorist who knows of others trained with him that has been given Miranda rights instead of being interrogated for possible knowledge of other plots thanks to Eric Holder and another band of retards giving out American rights' like M&Ms from a candy jar.

Now we have no idea if anything is coming next because our terrorist has "the right to remain silent". How convenient. That's an excellent call by the injustice department.

Admittedly, it seemed that Bush made some egregious errors in returning Gitmo Yemenis back home. And what is this administration still saying? It's Bush's fault (which is true), but we HAVE to close Gitmo and are sending the rest of the Yemenis home anyway.

Update:

Today, we find out that a post 9/11 system was in place to warn other planes pilots at the time while they were in the air. It wasn't followed either. So, theoretically, if we had another muliple plane plot, no other pilots were even warned.

These folks haven't a clue as to what they are doing. No fucking clue...

Christmas +1 Peeps!

Churkey hatched two eggs the day after Christmas in single digit weather. The peeps are doing fine and dandy with Mom keeping them warm in the garage.

Here is a picture of Blitzen and Vixen!

I don't normally allow Churkey to sit on eggs in the winter time, but she was pretty adamant and we lost two hens (Salt, a Barred Rock and Barbie, an Easter Egger) this fall. I figured we could use a couple of replacements.

I guess we'll wait to see if they will be egg layers or roasters!

Senate Passes ObamaCare

Merry Christmas to America from your wonderful politicians!

Probably the worst pile of crap legislation we will see in our lifetime.

Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Obama each dropped a steaming turd on us in the name of nationalizing healthcare.

25 million will still be uncovered at what we best a cost of countless trillions when all is said and done.

...and our Fed may be hiding the fact that no one wants to buy our debt anymore. Is it any wonder?

Bring on Cap and Tax, Porkulus II and god knows what other hundreds of billions in government spending. Did anybody notice how much liberal pork went into the defense bill passed last week? Nothing like transparency and an end to earmarks.

A bowel movement that we can believe in! Al Franken turned out to be the laxative the Dems needed to pass their stool.

Kitty's Trip to the Mellon Arena

My youngest daughter, Kitty, loves going to see the Penguins play. She loves it when the Pens win, but her favorite thing seems to be the fights.

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

We watched the Pens demolish the Senators 8-2 on the strength of a Evgeny Malkin hat trick and 2 goal performance by Billy Guerin.

The Pens gave out black Christmas stockings as a giveaway, but most of them found the ice after the hat trick.

We got plenty of practice singing the "WooHoo" song as the Pens scored 5 goals in the 2nd period right below us, to break a 1-1 tie.

do do do do do do do do do do do do....WOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!

Are You Aware That You Are Being Violated At The Grocery Store?

I bet you didn't even have to bend over and grab your ankles at the checkout counter. Food companies and grocery stores have been tag teaming you behind your back...er, or more likely right in front of your face.

Take these two jars of Skippy peanut butter. They are to the naked eye, identical in size and shape.

What it's missing is the following:

SAME GREAT PRICE, NOW WITH 9.5% LESS PEANUT BUTTER!

You see, the difference between the two is a hidden hollowed out bottom cavity that is invisible unless you turn it over and have the old one to compare it to. Now, this Skippy change isn't a new one. It dates back a few years. But companies in droves are routinely changing portion sizes while keeping packaging sizes constant in a stealth attempt to raise prices. I mean, honestly, Skippy could have helped supermarkets save shelf space, but they chose instead to provide you with a free cereal bowl when you turn over the jar.

Last week, Tay made couscous. She had an old box and a new box she purchased recently. She came into the livingroom with both boxes to show me. The two boxes were absolutely identical. One had 12.25 oz and the second box had 6.5 oz...ALMOST A 50% REDUCTION AT THE SAME GREAT PRICE!

So, I've been paying attention now when I go to the store and the practice is widespread on almost all items.

The thing that kills me isn't the bump up in prices. It's how the industry has chosen to raise prices. I guess they really think that we are all THAT stupid. At least they should be honest and post the changes on the label.

GREAT NEW POUR SPOUT, 25% LESS PRODUCT.

NEW ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY PACKAGING, CAN BE ALSO USED AS A CONDOM, WHICH WILL ALSO HELP REDUCE A FAMILY'S FUTURE GROCERY BILLS!

50% LESS ABSORBENT BUT WHAT THE HEY...AREN'T MOPS REUSABLE?

CLEANUP IN AISLE SIX!!!

The FACCC at the Christmas Parade

We've all been to our local Christmas parades. You know, the ones where local businesses, area high school bands, dancing schools, emergency departments (fire, police, ambulance) and town locals take their vehicles, floats and shoes to the streets to celebrate the holiday season.

Children gather on both sides of the streets as the parade participants throw candy for them to enjoy. My kids have enjoyed these types of parades since they were toddlers and I've always thought that they were a nice way to kick off the Christmas season.

Two weeks ago, my daughter, Loni, took to the streets as part of the parade in her high school's marching band's procession. We got there and took a place near the beginning of the parade route. The night was cold and crisp but it only added to the ambiance.

Then, enter the FACCC...

Four chubby sub 5 foot tall middle aged women (see picture above for size approximation) with 2 children between them were standing on the curb in front of us. I didn't think anything of it initially. They seemed to be typical middle class Americans and dressed modestly. Nothing about them would have suggested anything out of the norm.

Until the candy started flying, that is...

Usually when the candy gets thrown, the adults will remain on the curb and the children in the audience will move a few feet into the street to grab candy as it is thrown their way. Certainly, not a replacement for Halloween, but enough for the kids to enjoy for the night and maybe a day or two. The candy is usually low quality such as simple lollipops, jolly ranchers, tootsie rolls...you get the picture! Just pocket candy.

The four short rotund women burst into the street with plastic bags. They gather all the candy in sight as they more than meet their quota of bending over for the year. They take every piece of candy that hits the ground in a 12 foot space, even in front of their own children. I stand there shocked and amazed as my children can't even squeeze in to get more than one piece each. I don't think my youngest daughter, Kitty, even got a piece at all! Bebis got a piece because one of their husband's lightning hand picked up a piece right ahead of her. Bebis muttered under her breath and I think he felt embarrassed and offered it to her.

I stood by in awe and was shocked at what I was seeing. I was speechless. Usually, I'd say something but I actually became embarrassed for them as they piled the penny candy into plastic Walmart bags. My kids are twelve to sixteen years of age, so they really were only interested in a piece or two to enjoy during the parade. Given the festive setting, I decided against making a scene and looked on in horror and amusement as they performed their human vaccuum cleaner impression producing burgeoning bags of treats.

Then, when I didn't think it could get any worse, they started a conversation in which they were complaining about the people across the street getting more candy thrown their way. As they protested to the parade participants, my mind was yelling out...

"THE PEOPLE ACROSS THE STREET ARE KIDS!!!! THATS WHY THEY ARE GETTING MORE CANDY, YOU INSUFFERABLE FAT ASSES!!!"

Thankfully, the parade didn't last more than a half hour as I couldn't tear my eyes away from the disgusting scene. I don't think I've ever seen such an embarrassing display in my life.

As we drove home, I muttered under my breath...

"The Fat Assed Candy Collector's Club"

Tay knew exactly what I was talking about and chuckled. I let the girls in on the secret and they all gave their individual accounts of their impressions.

To this day, I am still embarrassed by what I saw and wonder if these women have any idea as to how they would come across to anyone around them? I would imagine that they do this every year...pathetic...

Merry Christmas?

Kitty's Snowman

My youngest daughter, Kitty, took advantage of our half an inch of snowfall to construct own first snowman of the year on our back deck. She made him so cute with raisins for eyes and a carrot nose!

Game Cam Shots: Pre Hunting Season!

Hunting season is slated to start tomorrow and these are the pictures that my game cam captured while I was in Long Island, NY for Thanksgiving! Hopefully, I can put one of these bad boys in my freezer on Monday!

Sarah Palin and The Keys: Part II

Sarah Palin had a book signing at the Sam's Club in Washington, PA today.

Tay left the house to get on line early. She was #630. There had to be several thousand people there for the book signing.

She called me later to tell me to join her on line and to bring some stuff she needed.

After I hung up, I look at Aussie at ask:

"Is it possible that your Mom took both sets of keys again today?"

"No, I think she put the keys back in the white Durango".

"Could you check?"

Aussie comes back in the house. They aren't in the vehicle. I give a quick look around. I sigh deeply and dial Tay's cell.

"Hello?"

"Tay?"

"Yeah"

"Do you, by any chance, have both sets of keys again?"

"Oh my God....yes I do"

"Okay...see you in 10 minutes"

Aussie and I take the Big Red to Tay's Dad's to take his car to go to the book signing. Did I really expect today to be any different than yesterday?

We got both of our copies signed by Sarah.

Tay, The Keys and My Blood Pressure

If anyone doubts that living with "Peteys" can be trying, boy do I have a story for you. These are actual events from this weekend. No names were changed to protect the innocent because there weren't any innocent parties.

After a busy work week, I was looking forward to getting home and relaxing. I only had two Peteys this weekend (Tay and Aussie) and they were planning a trip to the mall to get Aussie a new cell phone. When I got home, Tay had a new haircut that looked really nice and she whipped me up a very tasty stir fry. I sat in front of the TV to watch three episodes of "My Name is Earl". I contemplated taking the blood pressure meds I forgot to take this morning, but I was feeling pretty serene, so I sat back and enjoyed the show and kissed Aussie and Tay goodbye before they left for the mall. Tay took my black Durango as she customarily does instead of driving the white Maidpro Durango after business hours.

About a half hour later, in the middle of watching a rare episode that I haven't seen before, Tay calls.

"Ummm...I can't get the key to unlock the car door. I even tried it manually and it won't turn", Tay informs me.

"That's weird", I thought to myself. The only other time I had this problem was when Tay washed my other set of keys in the washer, but that's a whole 'nother story.

"Before I come get you gals, can you try one thing?" I say.

"Sure", Tay replies.

"Go into the Sears and replace the small battery for the keys. Maybe the battery died. Sears has an automotive section and they should have no problem swapping it out quickly. Call me back if it doesn't work."

"Sure". And I go back to watching the show.

5 minutes later the phone rings again. I get up to answer it. It's Tay again.

"It didn't work".

Being that we have three vehicles, this really isn't a big problem, so I offer to come get them and tell them I'll be there in about 10 minutes.

I get dressed and go outside to Tay's white Durango. I get inside and reach for the keys in the ignition. They are not there.

That's odd, since rural life dictates that all keys must remain in the ignition of vehicles as a matter of principal. I still have issues with that one, having grown up in NYC, but usually my black Durango is the only vehicle on the property in which I bring the keys in the house.

So, I go back in the house to look for the keys. They are nowhere to be found. I'm getting supremely annoyed since the keys are NEVER anyplace else. I call Tay.

"Tay...any idea where the keys are for the white Durango?"

"In the ignition."

"No, they aren't in the car."

"That's odd. Maybe they are in my black coat"

I check it. "Nope"

"The bedroom"

"Nope"

"The Pie safe"

"Nope"

"The kitchen table"

"Nope. Listen, Tay...I already checked all over the house including all your clothes folded on the bed."

"That's odd. I have no idea where they can be. Why don't you take the Trailblazer down to get us."

"Okay"

I hang up and look outside and remember that Tay's Trailblazer, our third vehicle is getting new brakes and we were waiting for Tay to get her registration in the mail so it can be inspected. Tay forgot to send in the registration for a month or two or three and it couldn't get inspected until the registration came back.

"God damned it. Are you kidding me?"

I call Tay back.

"Tay, the Trailblazer isn't here. Isn't it at the shop for brakes?"

"Oh yeah...no...it got the new brakes. It's down the road at Dad's place. It's not inspected but you can still drive it down to get us. Take the Big Red down to Dad's and get it."

I'm starting to get furious but do my best to hide it.

"Okay...see you in 10 minutes."

So, I go into the garage, get in the Big Red and drive through the pitch black woods to Tay's Dad's place. The Trailblazer is sitting behind his garage. I park the Big Red out of the way and get into the Trailblazer.

By now, you can probably guess...No keys in the ignition.

Let me just start by saying, it's a good thing the door and windows were closed in the Trailblazer and that no neighbor lived nearby. The tapestry of obscenies I wove in that vehicle lasted for about 3 whole minutes.

"God damn it!"

...every fucking vehicle on both properties except my truck usually has keys in the ignition. Quads, tractors, backhoe, cars...you name it, there is a key in the ignition. At this point, I am livid. The keys don't seem to be anywhere in the car either.

I call Tay back again.

"There are no keys in the trailblazer either"

"That's odd. I wonder what Dad did with them. Did you check under the mat?"

"Nope...not there"

"Visor"

"Nope, not there"

"Console"

"Tay, these fucking keys are nowhere in the vehicle"

"Ummmm, okay. Lemme think. Dad is out with his wife seeing the Rockettes. Why don't you take his car?"

I look over at her Dad's car.

"What are the chances that the keys are actually inside it at this point?"

"They'll be in there"

I hang up and walk to the vehicle. At this point my blood pressure is probably clocking in at 300 over 180 and my nice peaceful night is ruined.

I get into the car and BINGO, the keys are there!

I call Tay. "Okay, I'm on my way".

Normally (when my blood pressure isn't skyrocketing), my powers of deductive reasoning are fairly acute. Hell, they have to be with all the shit the Peteys pull on a daily basis. Tonight, they were a little off.

But for some reason, driving my Father-in-laws's car was very relaxing. By the time I pulled out of Dad's driveway, my mind was starting to clear. By the time I passed our driveway, I had an epiphany. I solved the riddle, but now I was trying to figure out a tactful way to break it to Tay.

I pick up the blackberry.

"Hello?"

"It's me, Tay. I'm on my way, but I wanted to ask a quick question."

"Okay" Tay replied.

"Is there any chance that you have both sets of Durango keys?"

I bite my lip.

"Lemme check..................uh, yeah, I do"

Then I ask the next obvious question with as much tact as humanly possible given the circumstances. In retrospect, I think I should be up for a 2009 Noble Peace prize for showing remarkable restraint.

"Is there any chance that you tried the white Durango's keys to open the black Durango?"

Not to be mean but I can hear the light going on in Tay's head over the phone line.

"I don't know. Let me go to the car and check"

"Okay, I'm on my way anyway, but call me back", I said.

Two minutes later, the phone rings and I am greeted by Tay's sheepish voice.

"Yeah, that's what I did. We're in the car."

"Okay, good, I'll see you at home."

I take Dad's car back to his house and get in Big Red and take another quick drive through the woods back to our house. I've missed all three episodes of "Earl" and my remaining food is cold. I throw it in the garbage and reach for my BP medication. I pop a double dose.

Ten minutes later, Tay and Aussie walk in the house.

Tay is avoiding eye contact at first but then starts to apologize profusely. I ask her if she was sure that the hairdresser didn't dye her hair blond on the inside earlier in the day.

I tell her that she's gonna have a hell of a weekend of massages to get my blood pressure down.

Peteys!