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Bluey Obituary: The Hockey News

Well, with the publication of its most recent issue, it is now official. The Hockey News is dead!

It has been on life support for some time especially after the publication was turned over to pansy-assed editor, Jason Kay. For a while now, THN has been exposing its' readers to stories here and there about the evils of fighting in the sport and excessive contact (hitting) while under the surface, touting the extreme desirability of the European style. Columnist Adam Proteau has been the number one supporter of coddling star players and turning the NHL into the fucking ice capades! As a Canadian publication, I can't believe how they are able to do this without a huge outcry or a total loss of circulation. Maybe Canadians don't believe in "Old Time Hockey" anymore.

This issue has four stories that made me discontinue my THN subsciption outright. I did actually like the story about proper vaginal care (see above magazine cover).

The first one is the cover story. It is written by another "physical contact is ruining hockey" advocate, Ken Campbell. Say what you want about Chris Pronger, but he is one of the twenty best defensemen in NHL history, is a no brainer first selection Hall of Famer and typifies the way the position should be played. However, THN has cowardly chosen to focus on his recent transgression of stepping on a player and his (wife's) request to leave Edmonton, to put his whole career on judicial display to determine whether he is a bad person. They have some fucking gall doing this! Jason Kay should have been fired for even allowing this tripe to be published. Chris Pronger may have a mean streak and is a warrior, but he is NO Chris Simon! The article is pretty much a dog and pony show as they interview his agent, GMs, his family etc... and of course come to (big surprise)...no conclusion. Why? Because they even lack the balls to take a hard stand either way. They end the article with...it could go either way. What a fucking joke! Ken Campbell also pens an open letter to Mr. Pronger stating his disappointment over how Chris' play has "changed" for the worse. What a dick! What's next, try to get Scott Stevens to publicly apologize to Eric Lindros for his clean, concussion causing body check?

The next article is another total nonsense article in which THN tries to get Jeremy Roenick to agree that he "respects" the game so much more now that he is older and has distanced himself from his old rough and tumble days. It reminds me of of "doublespeak" from Orwell's 1984 novel. It's totally apparent to me that Mr. Roenick is just happy to have and talk about his useful role with the San Jose Sharks and THN twists the tone of the story to try to get Jeremy to disavow his style of play of yesteryear. I guess being a power foward is bad too.

Then comes an article with THN asking for the resignation of Patrick Roy as coach of his son, Jonathan's, QMJL team supposedly for encouraging his son to fight the other goalie during a melee. First of all, does anybody have a dad who hasn't asked him to stand up for himself at some point in his life? Patrick Roy denies doing this but even if he did, is he the first coach to encourage fighting in hockey? He received, I think, a five game suspension. I think that is perfectly fine. So, why does THN feel the need to call for Roy's resignation? Since when did THN become a governing body for the sport? Report the news, jackasses. Patrick Roy should not be held up to any higher standards than any other coach. Of course, fighting is a THN "cause", so of course they are going to villify Roy and cry for their own brand of justice.

Mike Brophy also chimes in with a brief article of why he will enjoy the playoffs even under the spectre of goonery that plagues the NHL. This one hit me hard because I actually respect Mike Brophy as a writer and long time contributor to THN. He's one of the reasons I subscribe. He talks about the star players like Ovechkin, Malkin and Crosby as being reasons why the NHL playoffs will be worth it, with the caveat that somehow the NHL has deteriorated in some way in recent years due to the excessively dirty physical play. I don't know what games he's watching and I can only assume that the LSD laced weed he's currently smoking has made him completely forget the 70's and 80's brand of hockey he once extolled the virtues of.

And lastly, editor, Jason Kay, who regularly uses his editorial pulpit to deride the game I love and push his vision of the way hockey should be played. He reminds me of Mike Lupica. He seems to be a frail man who has probably never picked up a hockey stick in his life. Never played the sport but knows everything about it. Do me a favor and fucking resign yourself. Your publication is now as big a joke as you are. Congratulations!

Ice hockey is a rough and tumble sport with no place for sissies. Guys play with a variety of injuries that would surely sideline them in any other sport. The way things are progressing, six stitches will mean a player will retire to the locker room for the whole evening, like in baseball, instead of just a few minutes for a quick patch job. Used to be, the threat of getting your head bashed in by Marty McSorley kept you from clutching and grabbing Wayne Gretzky. Sure, it was somewhat neanderthal, but it worked. Like pitchers batting in the National League, there are repercussions for hitting batters or pitching inside too much. That is why I hate the DH rule.

Then, the brilliant peaceniks of the NHL came up with the "third man in" rule. This singlehandedly ruined hockey and shaped it's course for years. No longer were players held responsible for their own actions. Target a star and get away scot free! In trying to corral the goons, the NHL put a huge target on stars backs by protecting offending players from retribution. Add to that, the addition of the European style that doesn't work on smaller ice surfaces, hence the proliferation of diving and 20 penalties per game. Now the game has no flow and whoever has the better powerplay will usually win. Games are no longer determined five-on-five as it was meant to be. It's a crying shame and I believe the main reason can be solely blamed on the slow pacification of the game over the years.

But THN has a vision that this is the way hockey should be played and that some day all physical contact will be eliminated. It will be no defense like basketball and the scores will be 20-18.

How beautiful... So long THN, never mind this pillow I'm putting over your head...

"Trapped": MexaFlora Mob Bosses

Gavo's buddy and I on the set of his movie "Trapped", in which we play Mexican mob bosses.

In this scene we get a few good laughs explaining how we got a local business owner to shoot himself in the head

(...then the motherfucking bendejo...he shoots himself in the head...(laughter)...)

and in the following scene we filmed, I get "moiderized".

We had loads of fun filming these scenes last night while downing a couple Dos Equis' . I think Gavo and company have a real winner on their hands! I can't wait for the premiere!

2 Tickets- Pens-Rangers Game 5!

If anybody is interested, I have a pair of tickets I can't use for Game 5. List is $50 each.

Well, that didn't take long. Gavo and wife just swapped them up! GO RANGERS!!!

Grindhouse: Death Proof

I finally saw installment #2 of the Grindhouse series a few days ago. While, it was by no stretch a good movie, I did enjoy it a little better than Planet Terror, based solely on Vanessa Ferlito's ability to wiggle her hips in a tight spot! Too much dialogue and almost no action in this one.

Again, this movie, like it's companion, had little merit and I can't believe they actually called these movies Grindhouse. They were both incredibly shy and tame as far as violence and sex goes in cinema. I have to say I did cheer when the ever annoying Rose McGowan was face planted into the windshield! The only way it could have been better is if it was Rosie Perez.

Buster and Baxter

We accidently ended up with two extra peeps that are a few weeks younger than the "four amigas" Tay and I got last week.

We keep them separate from the older peeps because one of them, who we call "Buster", won't stop pecking the older birds, nor will she accept her place in the pecking order and back down.

Baxter, on the other hand, is a good little peep and very docile in her dealings with the bigger birds in comparison.

We do not know what breed they will be as of yet. I think that they were chick breeding school projects.

Hopefully, this will round out our flock and I don't expect any more additions. I'll have to start the work to add a few more nesting boxes to the coop this weekend.

Canada's #1 World Ranked Olympic Diver

Yes, Pittsburgh's poster boy, Sidney Crosby.

Not only does he play like a little bitch, falling anytime anybody gets near him to defend, the NHL officials continue to coddle him whenever any contact is made.

Martin Straka's phantom penalty in Pittsburgh's Game 1 versus the Rangers is the perfect example of his receiving ridiculous preferential treatment. With under three minutes left in a 4-4 tie in the Stanley Cup playoffs, the refs should be putting away their whistles unless they are damned sure that a penalty actually occurs on the ice.

In sachets Sid McDiverson, Straka never touches him, and voila!, a two minute penalty based only on the fact that Straka diverted his path into the offensive zone.

The NHL is turning into a real cunt league with Sidney as it's obvious queen! Congratulations for ruining hockey Sid! I can't wait for someone to smash your brains into the boards and really earn their two minute penalty, so I can hear the whiny bandwagon hockey fans from Pittsburgh give a collective cry whilst cancelling their season ticket packages in one clear motion.

The Four Amigas!

"Chicken Farmer" Bluey has got some new peeps. We got them from a local chicken farm. They were born on 4/1.

The two brown chicks are Rhode Island Reds and the black chicks are Barred Rocks. All four should become prolific egg layers and at $3 dozen, we should never have to buy overpriced eggs again once they are mature.

Tay and I are making a real effort this summer to become as self sufficient as possible given the huge jump in food prices. Our garden will probably end up being pretty huge.

So, along with his debilitating case of gout, in which his utter inability to drive is thus far preventing his pilgrimage attendence, he may have to contend with not catching the Asian flu while tending to his flock!

Anybody want to take odds on how long it takes before he develops some exotic fowl disease?

Mother-flocking gout!

It's Not The Toe, It's The Toe Knuckle!

Splendid...just splendid! Another case of gout in advance of the spring pilgrimage and the opening of my softball season on Sunday morning. I'm barely able to walk without excruciating pain. I couldn't even put a pair of dress shoes on this morning. And it's on my non-Jesus foot to boot!!!

I blame three people for my ongoing recurrences of gout:

1) My Dad: He must've passed some gout gene to me. He's been in pretty good shape his whole life and suffers regularly from gout. Thanks, Dad. A nice big inheritance might offset some of the pain and suffering!

2) My physician: She knew of my gout recurrences and put me on a diuretic (water pill) anyway for my high blood pressure. Of course, being a biochemist, i should have predicted that the pill would exacerbate the condition, but I'm all about the blaming of others for my problems.

3) My own fat ass: Okay, I'm not all about blaming others, but would it kill me to drop a few pounds?

I'm loading up on colchicine, coffee and cherries!!! Since there is really no good therapeutic drug for gout yet (Savient Pharmaceuticals is working on a new drug, Puricase, that I hope gets approved ASAP!), I hope to god I'm good to go for this weekend!

God-damned Toe-knuckle!

The New X-Files Movie: Monster Tree Alert!

Back in the day, I used to be hooked on the X-Files and watched it religiously with Beukey, Pablo Honey and Teddy Ballgame. Teddy had an interesting method of classifying the episodes.

The two classifications were:

1) Mythology - which involved the long running alien invasion plotline and involved some of the shows more memorable characters such as Cancer Man (or CSM, if you prefer), Fat Tony (as we called him), The Lone Gunman, Deep Throat, X, Well Manicured Man, or Teddy's favorites Krycek and the smoking hot Maria Covarrubias. These episodes were pure gold and I wish that Cris Carter would release them all by themselves in one DVD package.

2) "Monster Tree" - Episodes with some sort of crazy assed monster running around killing people. These episodes were mainly lame except the ones that were made to be funny, such as "Small Potatoes", which is still one of my favorite episodes. Episodes like "New Jersey Devil" were pretty much indicative to this type and were rather ho-hum. The episode "Home" was just downright disturbing and probably ranks up there with the most sickening TV show I ever saw. Teddy called all these creatures "monster trees" and would assess the episode after the first 20 seconds, "oh, goody...another monster tree".

Anyway, they have released details about a new X-files movie and I can already hear teddy moaning....

"Oh, goody another monster tree..."

I Wrote A Song Called...

"I got punched in the face for sticking my nose in other people's business!" (Glenn to Robbie Hart from The Wedding Singer -The Musical). I still piss myself when I hear that original line from the movie (smartly kept in the musical).

Tay and I went to see the last performance of The Wedding Singer at the Benedum Center in Pittsburgh tonight. Overall, it was a very enjoyable show except for an unexpectedly disappointing and weak ending two scenes. Instead of the heart warming "Grow Old With You" ballad from Rob to Julia on a plane, we get a crazy scene inside of a Vegas "White House" wedding chapel, where there are several 80's personality look alikes that have to be introduced to be recognized. Pretty lame as the song gets broken into two halves and is a weak rendition to boot.

The musical was devoid of the 80's soundtrack but had some fun original music scores. I really thought that it would be a detraction, but it really wasn't. All of the funny one liners were kept intact including Robbie's "Ode to his ex-fiancee Linda". The Boy George character was hilarious, even without his missed "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?" scene. It was a also a nice tribute to the 80's. God, us Generation X'ers are getting old!!!

Anyway, if anybody gets a chance to see this show down the road, I'd recommend it highly! It's no West Side Story, but it's a lot of fun! I'm officially training Tay to do Linda's dance moves on Robbie's bed at home for me...wow!!!

Release The Hounds!!!

"The horses are out of the barn"

"I dropped the kids off at the pool"

"The train has pulled out of the station"

"Full release!"

Thank you Jesus for giving us Sunsweet prune juice!

Although my ass still burns like Gollum falling into Mt. Doom's lava in Lord of the burning O-Rings. "I fell into a burning ring of fire...

My Blue Ribbon?

I'm just a simple boy from New York City.

I never attended 4-H or the Future Farmers of America meetings as a boy.

So, when my daughter, Kitty, received a pair of chickens, Arrowhead and Pancho, last spring from school, I knew that I'd eventually have to build a coop when they were full grown. Pancho never was healthy and he perished only a few days later, but Arrowhead, now renamed Churkey is doing just fine and laying 4-5 eggs per week!

So after 6 months of internet research and careful planning, I designed the coop that I wanted. Tay was highly skeptical of my design plans and referred to my throw together hoopie coop that I made out Aussie's old wooden bedframe. The one that I threw together on the fly to keep Arrowhead safe from the dog, cat and other predators when she was a chick. Tay and her family were less than kind regarding the merits of that structure.

Whenever I would show Tay, my new design ideas, she would roll her eyes and ask me why I just didn't bring her dad's old coop up to her house or buy one from a farm outlet. That made me even more determined.

So, $250 in supplies later, architectual plans in hand, I retreated to the garage to begin my project. And two months later, everyone is impressed...even Tay's Dad. I'm actually a little shocked as it came together better than even I ever thought it would. It has a perching pole inside the 2nd floor, nesting boxes for egg laying and a shingled roof. Now, we'll probably add another chick or two this spring to fully utilize it.

So, now that the hard part is over I got to thinking. Just because I grew up in NYC doesn't mean I can't live every boy's rural dream of winning a blue ribbon. I've won plenty of trophys in my life but no blue ribbons. I asked Tay to contact the local fairs to see if there is an entry division for farm structures or coop design. She laughed at me and told me there wasn't.

"Are you kidding me? They have people's baked goods, crappy needlepoint and so many other lame ass bullshit there. It's a farm fair, people show off their tractors for god's sake, why wouldn't they have a division for miscellaneous farm structures?"

"You're being ridiculous. I can't call the fair people. They'll laugh at me."

"I want a blue ribbon and yes, you will call them."

Stay tuned for the conclusion as the fairs are scheduled for the late summer. Will Bluey get his precious Blue Ribbon? Or will the Man kill his dreams?

More Of The Rat Cats!

Scott Schoenweiss: Please Die Already!

...or at least develop left arm cancer. You have been singlehandedly killing the Mets for two years now. You suck! Please retire or ask for a trade and do us Mets fans a favor. It just goes to show, any lefty with a pulse can pitch in the majors.

Add Aaron Heilman to my deathwish list too. He is pathetic. I'm starting to commiserate with the "Fire Willie Randolph" crowd. He is atrocious and for some reason, he is in love with using both these guys as much as possible.

We Have Rats!

Early in the morning sometime before dawn, our cat, Luna, spit out four little rats. She's a tiny cat and she's been bursting for about two weeks.

Here is the first picture of momma cat and her little ratlings!

Anybody wanting a kitty in a few months, put in your requests! First come, first served!

Wong's Wok promised to take any animals we can't find a home for. Or, there's always the river...

Momma and babies are doing just fine. It never ceases to amaze me how animals figure out how to care for their babies going on just instinct.

BS Poker: April 5

We had a nice turnout for pre-pilgrimage BS Poker! Choder tried his best to abdicate his position of Mayor of Swallower's Row and a very unlikely Meersky made a late surge in the polls to shed his octagonal chains and make a late try for the post. In the end, the position was very much up in the air.

All in all, a very entertaining evening!

Attendees: Bluey/Tay, Irish, Choder, Meersky, Cali/LiLi, Poppinfresh/Erie, Griffin/Tracer, Francois/Kimi.

Rikku: A Matrix by Forbidden Machina

Years ago I had a post touting the day that we invented a virtual Matrix environment for the elderly to happily live out the end of their days in a virtual world. You would live out the rest of your life in perpetual youth and vitality.

Many couples set aside one person each in which they ever got a chance to sleep with, that their spouse would be okay with. For example, for Tay's cousin LiLi, that would probably be someone like Michael Buble.

God knows I always tease Tay about letting me have a one night stand if I ever had a chance with a 19 year old gymnast. But that's not what I really want. I'm a little more sick and twisted than that.

But now I have another idea. When I am in a coma with terminal cancer, I want to be hooked up with "forbidden machina" PS2 that would put me in a virtual world with Rikku from Final Fantasy X.

Yes, this sick fuck would rather have a virtual cartoon character than a "real" virtual woman. Would Tay go for that or would that be considered cheating?

McCain Chooses Joe Lieberman as his VP!

Okay, so I'm a little late on my April Fool's joke, but how great would it be for John McCain to go to former Democrat, now Independent Lieberman on the Far Right's candy asses?

Of course it's never a good idea to infuriate your own party's most vocal contingent but I actually think that this would be a good idea and actually posed this pairing to my buddy Gavo's father-in-law a year or so back.

I like McCain because he brings a good conservative base with ideals to reach across the aisle and unite most Americans utilizing some nonpartisan common sense to each issue. He is not one to tow the party line like a robot. Joe Lieberman has those same sensibilities and it's no suprise that the two men have great respect for each other.

America finally needs a nonpartisan pairing to break the costly deadlock that the extreme left and right of each party have plagued our country with. Let's face it. America is a democracy that is being torn apart by the civil war between the nuts on both extremes. It's time to for those of us with some brains and common sense to shake hands and get these politicians to work for us instead of doing our fighting for minority held ideals.

The Wall Street Journal actually mentioned Lieberman as being on McCain's list of 20 possible VP candidates. I, for one, would like to see some critical independent problem solving occur in this country instead of this endless tug of war. Chop the wings off our parties already!

Aussie's A Ranger Jinx As Well!

I took Aussie to the Pens-Rangers game last night for her birthday trip to the Mellon Arena. The cartoonists were there and we sat for a quick sketch. Aussie cheered on the Pens and was mortified by my "Lets Go Rangers!" chants. It was all for naught as Aussie cheered the Pens on to a 3-1 victory. Ranger-killer Evgeny Malkin figured prominently again.

It was Aussie's first trip to the arena and she will definitely return again, but maybe not when the Pens play my precious Rangers. All in all a good time had by all!

Oh and by the way, I did roll my ankle on the walk back to the trolley and Aussie fibbed that I didn't, which made Tay doubt the need of a massage on my "Jesus foot" later in the day. The "Jesus Foot" story, however, is for another post.

My ankle is recovering fine, no thanks to the non-believing Tay Tay.