Bluey's Gals 3, Bluey and Tootie 2.

My Mom is in town this weekend and last night I took her and my girls to see the NY Rangers-Penguins game at the Mellon arena. Mom was starting to give me ear cancer from her incessant talking, so I figured a nice "quiet" Mellon Arena would give my tired ears a much deserved break.

And then something wonderful happened.

The Rangers score! 1-0 Rangers.

And again. Rangers score! 2-0. At this point my girls are bumming but positive that the Penguins will come back. My mom is thoroughly enjoying the game and my ears are starting the slow healing process.

Then the third period comes.

Now, at this point, you have to know something about my seats at the Mellon Arena. They are positioned right below the goal horn and when it blasts, it is quite deafening. But since the Penguins are getting their sorry asses shut out by King Henry, the horn has been silent.

Then comes the onslaught...Malkin....bbbbbwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Crosby....bbbbbbwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

And then in overtime, Colby "Fucking" Armstrong......bbbbbbwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Bluey's Gals go home elated, positively bouncing down the streets of Pittsburgh and Bluey goes home sad. The echo of the horns buzz in my brain for hours after the game but only provide background to Tootie's incessant buzz.

I love my Mom but she gives me cancer. I think just about anybody out there can appreciate that. Oh, and the Rangers give me cancer sometimes too. But I still love them as well.

Can Bud Selig Be A Bigger Jackass?

I am so fucking irate about the news posted yesterday about Major League Baseball signing an exclusive deal with DirectTV for the rights of the MLB Extra Innings package. The deal is backhanded and smacks of someone in the MLB offices (Selig or Dupay or both?) getting their pockets lined by DirectTV.

The deal is probably meaningless to those who still live in their hometown, but for anyone who is a transplant, this was a fucking stake to the heart of the baseball fan.

Being a New York City native and avid Mets fan, for years I had no option to watch the Mets play except for a game here or there when they were featured on ESPN, TBS or WGN. Then along comes the MLB Extra Innings package and I could watch any Met game of my choosing, as well as any other top matchup of the day. The package was carried by multiple carriers and available to just about anybody, no matter their cable/satelite package. I enjoyed it for the last two years.

Then, some knucklehead gets the bright idea that exclusivity to one cable/satelite company would be more beneficial to baseball and MLB signs a 700M deal with DirectTV to exclusively carry all the MLB games (along with MLB.com), and that DirectTV would also sponsor a new MLB channel including, I guess all the startup costs. Then they turn around and subsidize costs, passing them down the line to the DirectTV subscribers, who in turn will get the pleasure of having the new fledgling station on their cable system that everyone will pay for but only baseball fans will watch.

Bud Selig and the other cronies at MLB signed off on this without even considering a similar deal to the other companies. God only knows who backed the truck up and took kickbacks to agree to such a deal that so obviously screws us transplanted fans.

DirectTV estimates the amount of trnasplanted fans who are interested in this package to be unsubstantial. Those who are unwilling or due to geographical issues, unable to utilize a satelite signal to sign up with DirectTV I guess can go fuck themselves.

So, in other words, Bud Selig has told me to get DirectTV or go fuck myself.

And now he incurs the wrath of Bluey.

Bud, I hope you fucking die tonight and I hope it is a very painful death. Maybe getting caught in a woodchipper or falling into a well and breaking every bone in your body. There'd be enough water to ensure your survival for 10 days or so, but in a hell of a lot of pain. Hell, I'd throw down a Big Mac every other day if it would keep you alive and in pain for a few months. Then your skin would get so waterlogged that it would probably come off like Smucker's jelly and the bugs would probably feast on your decaying flesh. I'm sure your heart would give after a month or two but I wouldn't be that disappointed, since my cruelty only goes so far.

Now, I hear that John Kerry and other politicians are joining the fray. Believe me, they are not doing this out of the kindness of their hearts. Think about it. They are all transplanted baseball fans too, living in DC and forced to watch the pathetic Nationals if they lose their MLB packages.

I'm glad though to hear fans speak up about this, because this is bullshit.

I hope Al Qaeda bombs the MLB and DirectTV corporate office buildings. Hell, maybe I'd be willing to forward them the schematics. Fucking jackasses.

Is it any wonder that baseball has fallen to #2 in this country? You really don't have to look any further than the uneven salary structure to figure that one, but this TV deal shows you the true heart of MLB.

And they are not about the fans.

BS Poker: March 3, The Return Of Mr. Bubbles!

(Mama Meersky as seen in Art Studios playing deck circa 1954)

Fresh from his triumphant return from the hamdog residence in Awahoo, Mr. Bubbles was pimping out his oldest ho's for those in attendance to enjoy!

Those attending the festivities included:

The Swallowers: FNG, Officer Mehoff, Mrs. FNG and Choder (as Mayor McCheese of Swallower's Row, who enjoyed residential status but lived in an Upper St. Clair condo as his primary residence). Officer Mehoff and Mrs. FNG served as the King and Queen of the Row.

The Gaggers: Griffin (Grimace), Herr Gavo (The Hamburgler), Irish (Ronald McDonald) and Bluey. Herr Gavo and Cullster served as the Ivory throne rulers of team Gag. Meersky joined later and became what else? The Octagon or the Human Stop sign.

Tracer was also in attendance but refused to choose or preference between swallowing and gagging.

The gang enjoyed some Mineo's pizza, enjoyed Gavo's new short movie entitled "The Shaft", before quite possibly the strangest game of BS Poker broke out. The table divided right down the middle and became a battle between the Swallowers and the Gaggers. An absolute war broke out and continued according to a Mason-Dixon like feud. After about 3 hours of tense play, the table was mixed up and all roads led to a stop sign (Mr. Meersky).

The evening saw much drinking as even Bluey got drunk on sangria (with Choder and Mrs. FNG) and Mrs. FNG couldn't keep a chair under her towards the end of the evening.

The memorable quotes of the night (special thanks to Irish and Griffin, who compiled them):

"Jack's in the army so he's used to fucking guys" Irish?

"The Karma cut" Irish

"I know what a full house is motherfuckers ..." Mrs. FNG

"You should recognize this flag. It roamed around Germany quite a bit", FNG to Herr Gavo as he pointed to the American flag.

"It does not pay to gag on swallowers row", Bluey to Swallowers Row after a gag cost a resident a quarter.

"Jody is mayor gags-a-lot of the town of Swallowers row" Bluey

"There's nothing worse than swallow on swallow crime", Irish after the Swallowers started to eat their own in a series of betrayals.

"They are cheating and they're still losing..." Herr Gavo

"The trust tree has termites." Griffin

"And theres a beaver at the trunk (of the trust tree, reference to Mrs. FNG)" Bluey

"You can join one of us" Officer Mehoff to Griffin
What, so I can be in the majority of the losers?" Griffin

"Swallower's row has just become Windy Knob"

"I was in the woods with my brother that day" Officer Mehoff
"I bet you were!" Bluey

"(According to Meersky) The hooters chicks hit the wall before the deck was even printed" Bluey

"The beaver chased away the termites..., trust has been returned"

"I reinvest... I flush" Herr Gavo on his investments in Swallower's Row.

"He (Officer Mehoff) just ordered Choder to fall on the cock"

And then we brought out the 1954 Art Studios Granny Cards provided by the Octagon. Then all hell broke loose!

"Granny has a tranny" Herr Gavo

"You would squirt blood before you'd squirt semen, if you spanked off to these cards!" Bluey

"That's why the plastic is on there (pic of Bluey's kid)... so you can give her the money shot"

Irish was given a pair of jacks then says to Bluey "pair of sixes". When told by Officer Mehoff that a pair of sixes don't beat a pair of jacks, he gets confused.

Gavin fucks up a straight by "improving it" to 2 aces.

"Is this your first day?" Meersky to Herr Gavo on handing the cards to Bluey rather than Meersky on the deal.

"Is he really retarded? Officer Mehoff to Irish about Gavo.

"Look at Griffin over there...the little mother fucker"

Overall, a very tense but enjoyable night. BS Poker was played until around midnight at least until the festivities were brought down by an episode of "Cops: Skeevemont", and heads started getting cracked.

Now If I Could Only Play Crackdown On My Crackberry!

My name is Bluey.
I got a Crackberry.
I got a Crackberry, shiny and new.
I'm going to play me a whole lot of Crackdown
and check out my email too.

I got a Blackberry for work and boy is it convenient when you are out and about and want to stay in touch with email or need internet information. I've had it for three days and I'm already addicted to it. Now, while I'm playing Crackdown at home, I don't even need to get up from the couch to go upstairs to check my email. I hit pause and it's right there at my fingertips.

What can I say, I'm a major crackwhore every which way I turn. Having a full keyboard with big buttons to send email from the Crackberry is awesome, especially since I suffer from abnormally large digits.

Gotta go and get me a piece of the rock! I've gotta try blogging from the Crackberry next if it's possible.