It's Official: I'm A Crack"Whore"

Last night, Poppinfresh and I played Crackdown on his Xbox360. I think I have found my most favorite game ever.

The premise is that you are a genetically engineered cop that improves skills throughout the game until you are pretty much a Superman. Your task is to clean up the streets which is infested with gangs. Any collateral damage done to citizens in not only forgiven but encouraged.

You can scale tall buildings and open up a can of whoop ass by bludgeoning gang members with your weapons. It kills them even faster than shooting them. There is so much explosive shit to blow up that it is ridiculous in a beautiful way. Because the world is pretty much wide open, you are not led by the nose through the game (which is my biggest pet peeve). You are free to pretty much hunt for whatever bad guy you want whenever. It's basically one big sandbox. And unlike other games, there are a multitude of options for how to attack a hideout and many ways to destroy those inside and outside of it. It's very similar to GTA but everything is open for business right off the bat.

I feel like an artist with a blank canvas when I play this game. Needless to say, my copy is being delivered next week (my first purchase of an xbox360 game!). I have a feeling that I'll be playing this game as much as the crack hoe's go looking for some "rock". I'm addicted.

As I played it last night, there was a common theme I kept hearing from the police chief.

"Do not kill civilians!"

Then I'd turn around and kill one gang member and be instantly forgiven.

"Excellent work!"

Of course, killing only civilians will stunt your powering up, but hey, sometimes I don't like the way that fucking pedestrian is looking at me.

Awesome game! Highly recommended. Bluey gives it a 5 out of 5 stars!

Dig A Hole: She's Starting To Stink Too.

And I'm not talking solely about Anna Nicole Smith's rotting corpse.

I'm talking about the non-stop 24 hour a day news coverage of her, her family, and her 28 current lovers who claim to have helped create the noxious brew of semen in her that produced her daughter.

Dig a Hole on the whole 9 yards already! Is it any wonder that she's starting to stink? She probably smelled just as bad when she was alive.

I Propose New $5 Bills/Greeting Cards

Tay gets mad whenever I tell her that Valentine's Day is a made-up holiday perpetuated by greeting card/flower and jewelry companies to prey on women's relationship insecurities and to steal men's money.

The gist seems to be: the better the card, the bigger the gift, the more numerable the roses, the more love her man has for her. In fact, Valentine's Day, to me, seems like the best opportunity for a scoundrel to hoodwink his concubine for another year. Treat her like garbage for 355 days and then sweep in with the swag on February 14th and buy yourself another year.

Granted, that's a pretty cynical view but I really think that Valentine's day is a huge scam. You can make an argument that a man really gets little from this day except much anxiety over how his honey perceives his celebration of it. With that said, there has been a groundswell of support from men for Steak and a BJ day for men which is supposed to be a reciprocal holiday that grants men a nice steak dinner and a BJ from his honey to reward him for being such a wonderful partner.

But that's not even what I set out to talk about. Can someone tell me why a greeting card costs $5 in many stores? Nowhere else can you get so little value for $5 in cash. The average greeting card is probably worth about 10 cents and there was a time not long ago that you could get a nice card for a buck or two.
Now that they are $5 a pop, I propose that the US Treasury changes the five dollar bill in order to leave space on it for a greeting.

Face it. Wouldn't you much rather get a $5 bill from someone with a message on it than a $5 card that will be thrown away in a week, if not in five minutes after reading. Kids hate cards as well. Why do we bother? Let's put the rapists at Hallmark etc... out of business and stop the nonsense. Not to mention, we'd be saving countless trees.

Let's go back to making our own cards. Computers can pump one out in about a minute and it would be customized to fit your needs. But if you don't have the time, just write on a $5 bill and send it on to me. It's environmentally friendly and recycleable as I spend it. Hell, let's just create message space on all denominations and put greeting card companies out of business for good.

Plus, how funny would it be to read other people's greeting cards or to see if you actually get back one of your own card ten years later?

Whore With Big Jugs Dies

A slut who got famous by getting naked in Playboy and for riding an eighty year old man like Seabiscuit after marrying him for his money, died yesterday.

You've just experienced a "Bluey Obituary" where I write all that is needed to be said when an otherwise useless person officially becomes worm food. Enough said, re-read the headline if absolutely necessary.

C'mon Fatty, Slide Over A Smidge, Won't Ya?

My girls are real big into the movie "Titanic". Even though it is a real chick flick, I do enjoy watching the boat go down (Big surprise, huh?). I do have a variety of issues with the movie that annoy the hell out of me.

First of all, take a look at the picture on the right above. There's plenty of room for both of them on that floating piece of wood. Maybe if Rose would have skipped a few desserts, Jack would still be alive. Maybe not, but it would have given him a fighting chance anyway. Not that I mind Leonardo DiCaprio becoming fishfood in the movie but Mr. Cameron please, either make the raft smaller or let him die on top of the raft. The way it goes makes me believe that Rose was a self centered bitch who murdered Jack by not making room for him on that huge piece of wood.

Of course, my feelings are justified at the end of the movie when my blood pressure rockets through the roof as Rose, a shriveled up old hag (see photo on top left), takes a piece of history, the blue heart diamond, and tosses it into the sea. Fuck knows why she does this except maybe to prove that a woman's heart indeed, is as deep as the ocean.

When I watch this scene, I truly wish that I was on the boat standing behind her. I would run up to her, snatch the diamond, and then grab her by the ankles and whip her ass right over the railing before she knows what's even happening to her. Then I'd watch her sorry ass drown in the cold water much like the death she gave Jack.

Then I'd put that piece of jewelry where it belongs, in a god damned museum. As if two stupid people's 2 day love affair was worth one millionth of the value of an artifact supposedly crafted for Louis XIV or whatever fictional hogwash they make up in the movie.

A woman's heart is as deep as the ocean....please....to quote Lionel Barrymore, "sentimental hogwash!".

It Puts The Lotion In The Basket...

...Or Else It Gets The Hose Again.

Boy, does Tay get creeped out whenever I say that phrase around the house. Oh yeah, that and when I tuck my package in and play with my nipple rings.

Chicks! Go figure.

God Damned Global Warming!

With days like the last few, with temperatures soaring in the high single digits, I don't know how this world is going to survive a toasty 10 degrees when we finally get there. My tumors feel like ice cubes clanking inside a tea glass.

Al Gore and the rest of the enviro-wackos can kiss my ass. While I understand the fundamental tenets of global warming theory, I remain in the undecided corner with the majority of scientists who realize that such a theory is preposterous without a lot more information.

Try to convince the people who are dying out there that their main concern should be global warming. See if the homeless care about losing three feet of shoreline in West Palm Beach in the next 100 years due to water levels rising on the warming earth.

Hey nutjobs, remember when you cared more about people than baby seals, whales and earth's random climate change? Maybe, if it stays this cold, we can all move to Iraq, where it's warm and we can bask in the chocolate rivers and enjoy the children's gumdrop smiles.

Oops, I guess we can't do that. We're being forced to surrender Iraq to Al-Qaeda by the House and Senate. What a bunch of spineless bastards.

I guess we shouldn't worry about terrorists because global warming will kill us all in about ten thousand years! That's the real priority item.

Welcome To The Teens, Loni!

Ok, it's official. I have a teenager. Loni turned 13 today to much fanfare and celebration.

Loni has crossed over into Teenland and still remains a beautiful, caring and sweet human being. God knows where she got those traits. Obviously, not from Dad.

Happy Birthday Loni! I hope you enjoy your teens as much as the first 12 years.