Todos En La Familia

By now, everyone is aware of the story in which Chicago White Sox manager, Ozzie Guillen, calls a news reporter a "fag". What made me laugh was Ozzie initial explanation of the comment. He stated that there was a language barrier and that by calling the reporter a "fag", he wasn't calling him a homosexual but merely stating that the reporter lacked manliness. Duh...isn't that what most guys mean when they call another guy a "fag"?

Ozzie said that in his native country of Venezuela, calling a man a "fag" or its' equivalent would only be used to make a point to imply that the reporter should "act like a man" and that the term "fag" was somehow not necessarily a derogatory term for homosexual. The White Sox manager was only challenging the reporter to act like a man.

And for 12 hours, the media seemed to give Ozzie the benefit of the doubt. For a second there, I thought that Ozzie was going to get away with it and I was shocked. I was already starting to scribble in my notepad, "note to self: when making future racial or sexually derogatory remarks, claim to be of South American descent, and blame the language barrier for the blatant mis-understanding. Kind of like a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card.

And then, people got wise and Ozzie got slammed. You just can't blame him for trying I guess.
Maybe, Ozzie has just chosen the wrong career. Maybe the Sox skipper should sign a side deal with Univision to do a remake of a certain classic 70's TV show. It could be called "Todos En La Familia" and he can play a character called Archuro Bunker who sits in his house and insults everyone who walks in the door with a cadre of ethnic, gender and sexual slurs. To add to the zaniness, he can have a live-in son-in-law, who he could constantly refer to as "cabeza de carne". I'm sure he'll be slipping in a few "fags" here and there since that term doesn't seem to offend homosexuals of hispanic descent. Univision is sure to have a hit on their hands.

Lastly, Ozzie is insisting that he refuses to take "sensitivity classes" mandated by MLB, because he would first have to take English classes for the material to be meaningful to him. That kind of implies that it's only possible to be offensive if your native language is english. Something, many of us have suspected for about two decades.

I love Ozzie and I love his brashness and complete honesty, but how about swallowing a dose of common sense and just bite the bullet. Just think of the mileage that Univision could get out of Archuro Bunker in sensitivity training classes in the pilot episode of "Todos En La Familia"!

Who is the Venezuelan Mel Brooks? We'd insist on him directing.


Charles E. Cheese!

Just wanted to give a quick Happy Birthday shout out to my youngest daughter, Kitty. She turned 9 today. We have a visit with a certain oversized rodent coming up to celebrate the event.

And yes, I got her an Ipod shuffle for her birthday as well. Better get started digging that third hole just in case she gets snuffed by Charles E., otherwise known as Chuckie Cheese, for her Ipod.


Holy Cow! The World Just Turned Upside Down!

The conservative religious right chicks makes an argument for choice while the liberal left NOW chicks argue against it? Unbelievable. Who would have thought?

And all it took was a new vaccine, Gardasil, for the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) to expose the hypocrisy in both extreme political points of view.

You just can't buy entertainment like this.

The back story: HPV is a virus similar to the Herpes simplex virus that produces cold sores. Most sexually active people have the virus but it usually lies dormant in the body. It is thought to be the major contributor to cervical cancer. Now there is a vaccine for HPV. The only problem is that most sexually active adults already have been exposed to HPV. So, for the vaccine to work, the thought is to vaccinate underage girls to protect them from contracting HPV thereby eliminating the risk of a future HPV/cervical cancer link. The thought is to vaccinate 12 year old girls for a disease that is only transmitted sexually. Of course, this has thrown both political sides into an uproar and in a mad dash to take opposite positions, both liberal and conservative women have exposed their true hypocrisies and prove that it is always better to think things through independently to achieve rational solutions. These groups have been polar opposite so long, they've forgotten to let the old noodle do some work.

The liberal women initially wanted the vaccine to be mandatory in order to protect all women from HPV causing cervical cancer.

The conservative women stated that vaccinating girls against a sexually transmitted disease was morally wrong since abstinence should be stressed.

In other words, The conservatives were arguing for "choice" while the liberals were arguing against it. Liberals were arguing that preaching abstinence was folly and that the vaccine should be mandatory, leaving a nation of 12 year olds, capable of choosing an abortion but not the choice of whether they wanted the HPV vaccine or not. HPV has been linked to cervical cancer causation but in no way has been irrefutably proven to actually cause it. Conservatives were so hung up on the moral question, that they felt that immunizing girls for HPV was going to give them a license to go out and become sexually active under the pretense of the vaccine's protection.

I could just see the dialogue between a 12 year old girl and boy.

"I just got back from the doctors office, Billy. They immunized me for some sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer of the cervix."

"What's a cervix?", asks Billy.

"Hell if I know. Want to fuck?"

"Sure Sally."

Unfortunately, what conservatives forgot is that everyone eventually becomes sexually active. If 75% of the population has been exposed to HPV, women better make sure that their future husbands are virgins in order to prevent infection.

Liberals seem to miss the fact that if 75% of women are exposed to HPV, why then do only a very small percentage get cervical cancer. And of these cases, how many are fatal? Does this warrant mass immunization and a preclusion of basic rights, which normally they claim is their first priority?

Do these two political groups think that we are that stupid that we have to blindly follow one or the other and their misguided logic? Do parents have no roles in raising their kids at all or are we just going to let these mindless village idiots raise our kids?

As a scientist and a father of three daughters, there is only a few questions that I need answered.

Is the vaccine safe?

What are possible side effects?

Will there be more research to absolutely prove the HPV/cervical cancer link?

Why do few women with HPV get cervical cancer and most do not?

Is the benefit of mass immunization worth the possible individual risks?

Let's leave the morality and rights arguments to those who aren't smart enough to be asking the right questions. They are only interested in pushing their agenda, no matter how hypocritical.

I never meant this blog to ever get political, but I will say this.

Don't be a slave to your party line, no matter which party you belong to. Use the brain in your head in every instance and don't entrust political groups, organized religions or politicians to spoon feed your positions. They may not purposefully try to be hypocritical, but they all have an agenda to serve. Unfortunately, the truth and the logical reasonable solution are victims to the battle.

Whether you believe God gave you the brain in your head or that it has evolved from primates, please don't forget to use it. I was shaking my head in disbelief as CNBC showed a panel discussion that argued the morality and rights issue of the HPV vaccine, when they should have been tackling questions that really mattered.

Conservatives preaching choice, while liberals were arguing against an individuals' right to choose. Now, I think I've seen it all.

That's what I call "Must See TV".


From the Files Of "I Told You So!": The First Ipod Murder


Well, I guess my blog on the Ipod and Social Darwinism turned out to be a little more than a gallon of hot air after all. Ipods do put kids at risk! Here is the link:


Of course, it had to happen in New York, which should come as no surprise. I told you guys and gals that it was only a matter of time before kids started killing each other over these stupid Ipods. What a shame. Now that two of my daughters own them (thanks to my poor parenting and hypocrisy!), I can only say that I am glad that I've already dug holes for them.

Be prepared...be prepared...yodeleheyhey, hehooyodelehehehoo!!!

Deadwood: TV's Best Show

Granted, I don't watch a heck of a lot of TV, so my basis for comparison is pretty weak, but this show eclipsed my love of "The Sopranos" last year.

Unfortunately, this season will be Deadwood's last. All the more reason to enjoy a good thing while it lasts as most of it's stars have already signed on to do other TV shows and movies. This cast was just too good to be kept together.

Who can forget the signature scene in which Swearingen, knife drawn across Bullock's neck in the thoroughfare, while both are fighting in the mud and Bullock's "wife and son" newly pull into town on the stagecoach and happen upon the two unexpectedly.

"Welcome to fucking Deadwood!", exclaims Swearingen to Bullock's family.

You just can't beat this show. Although, I'm sure that the flowery language interspersed between the "cocksuckers" will probably send even the most learned to the dictionary, somehow this show is like crack cocaine for me. Tons of violence, whores and history are interwoven together to craft an amusing tapestry filled with an almost unwieldy number of extremely watchable characters. And the best thing, no fucking Carmela Soprano!

After watching Season 3's second episode last night, this season is shaping up to be a veritable bloodbath! So, sit back and treat yourself to a shot and a whore at the Gem, and enjoy the carnage.

Why has it taken so long for someone to put together a series like this? I'm not a big fan of westerns usually, but this show is for adults what Bruce Campbell's "Adventures of Briscoe County Jr." was for families with kids. Unfortunately, neither will ever be appreciated for their uncanny brilliance.

Rumor has it that a 40-something woman living in the southern US watches Deadwood with her five year old son but it's okay because of her very special bond with him. He especially likes when Trixie is sucking Al's kidney stones out while thumb massaging his prostate.

Sorry, I just couldn't help myself.


Vegetablisberger ("Hey You Guys!")

So, the famed Pittsburgh quarterback dodged a bullet and he seems like he's going to be okay. Maybe a little bit ugly, but okay nonetheless.

Now, it seems like the rest of the city is getting on his case for not wearing a helmet riding his motorcycle. How irresponsible it is given his employment for the city's football team. Now people are talking about bringing back a brain bucket law for cyclists.

I could give two figs about retards that ride motorcycles without helmets. You know who I feel sorry for? The people that have to scoop their brains off the road after they wreck. When you ride a motorcycle on the road, you are basically putting your life in others' hands. That's a simple fact. A helmet law will save some lives but not prevent accidents.

In a world where retards drive cars with cellphones to their heads, applying make-up and eating dinner in the driver seat, why in the world would you float your body above concrete at 55 MPH alongside them? That's basically what you are doing.

Do yourself a favor, buy a car and use your motorcycle for dirt roads. We are raising a nation of idiots behind the wheel who have no attention span. If I had a nickle for every moron I see drifting out of their lane because they are talking on the cellphone, I'd be a millionaire.

Forget a helmet law and let's get a cellphone ban already. If stupid people want to die because they refuse to use personal protection (helmets or seat belts, for that matter), so be it. How about a little protection for the rest of us who are responsible drivers?

Let Social Darwinism cull out the idiots of the world. Let's protect those of us with the sense enough to regard our lives as valuable and worth protecting.


BS Poker, June 9,2007

Attendees (girlfriends/wives): Irish (+the Saint), Meerksy, Handyman, Choder, Ace, Gary (+the Keeper), T-dog (+B-cat), Don Felatio (+Kay), Gavo, Bluey (+Tay), Highmark Blue, Griffin (+Tracer) and Poppinfresh (+Erie).

20 attendees!!! Can you believe it!!! Wow, what a night.

Here are the high(low)lights:

The Handyman makes a surprise appearance.

Meersky brings the previously hospitalized, gimped out, recovering Poppinfresh a wheelchair and proceeds to wheel him around the apartment.

Life-size Barbie's hermaphroditic bulge.

Jesus turns water into wine, Gavo uses German Logic to turn another straight into a three of a kind.

Edgewood/Swissvale revisited with a Highmark generated Itunes epilogue by Stephen Hawking.

The Handyman bringing to light the existence of Highmark's 8 year old crackbaby twins who reside in West Mifflin.

Irish swallowing three 5's, a queen and a room to grow 5 from Ace! Can you say dislocated jaw? Probably the biggest circus seal impression we've ever seen.

Bluey asking Gary, "Don't you know that you should never date a girl with a gag reflex?".

Gavo's impression of the Third Reich's Make-A-Wish chapter participants.

Meersky acting octagonally again as the "Human Stop Sign"

Este (Griffin) and Tracer bringing a 40th birthday oversized donut and cinnamon roll and Tracer and Gary trying six times to light the candles with Meersky turning the fan on and off. After 10 minutes and finally getting the two candles lit, Bluey promptly "wishes" for new friends!

Highmark's ignorant, unfeeling and cold remark to a wheelchair bound, "almost deathpool loser" Poppinfresh: "Hey gramps, thanks for coming, try not to shit yourself this time ok?"

Choder ressurects the memory of Mr. Bubbles and hilariously brings him and Gaston back to life.

The Handyman gets a BOG mention for admitting that he knew Gaston's name.

Tay's false teeth and Bluey's comments:"I'm about a week away from kicking Bucky to the curb""You think Tay should get her teeth fixed?""Zip it...Bucky!"

Tracer and Erie dyke out on Bluey's bed.

Women's BS Poker suffrage! The Keeper and Tay become the first chicks to play with the big boys.

Handyman welcomes Gary's Keeper to the NFL without even giving her the benefit of a reacharound.

Ace accuses Tay of not knowing what a straight is, calls her a lying whore and then faces her 10 high straight wrath through Bluey.

Highmark's "F the French" and Griffin's "Are those my balls on your face?" T-shirts.

Meersky advises and praises Bluey about keeping "his pimp hand strong" after Bluey's "Do some dishes while you're in the kitchen" comment to Tay.

Choder slams Don Felatio with AAA, as Tankboy claims they are non-existent!

The Handyman disgustedly throws Tay a quarter as a reward for kissing Bluey. "Hell, if that's not worth a quarter, I don't know what is."

B-cat's hunger solely for T-dog's sausage prompting Bluey to advocate a dumping.

The Keeper is asked why "after 3 weeks of dating Gary, she hasn't gone screaming into the night yet?" and is given the offer and opportunity to dump Gary as she sees fit and is given the power to replace him with another guy to be placed in this group.

Ocho Rios!!!...not!!! Highmark's 8's Tote board count - a disappointing 2.

Irish's multiple bombing campaign over the French Seawall leaving Bluey looking like Zarqawi in the rubble.

Bluey's son, Pimp-N-Playa AWOL and suspected to be dead.

Don Felatio, upon the start of BS Poker, turns to his wife and tells her, "Kay, I told you. Don't ask me about my business", and promptly drives her home before returning to play.

Keep em' coming and I will add any others you wish to document.


Why I Love New York City!

The day after the US finds and kills reputed "goat sodomizer" Zarqawi, the New York Post immediately goes on the offensive and taunts and kicks the man when he's down and out. Let's not even wait until the body is cool before we start the trash talking.

I love it.

"Warm up the virgins" is immediately followed by the headline inside the paper stating "Evil Zarqawi Blown To Hell!" Friggin' priceless.

You have just got to love New Yorkers passion even though they can be incredibly insensitive and rude.

Us New Yorkers want to give a big shout out to Al Qaeda.

"Fuck You and Die!"


The Slingshot...er...The Swingshot at Kennywood

Yesterday, I went to Kennywood with my girlfriend, Tay, and our girls. Poppinfresh and Erie joined us at the park.

Kennywood has a new ride that resembles a slingshot that is called The Swingshot. Unfortunately, the new ride was being worked on all day by maintenance staff and was not opened until we were in the parking lot ready to leave.

My eldest daughter turned to me at some point during the day and asked me, "Dad, why isn't The Swingshot open?"

I looked at her and with a straight face told her, "They have it closed because it keeps launching kids to the other side of the park. They're trying to fix that. Kids keep getting thrown clear across the park into the water below the SkyCoaster."

She looks at me and gives me a frown because she's heard some semblance of this type of story a thousand times.


Of course we all got a laugh out of it and every time someone asks about the new ride at Kennywood they all get the same story from all of us now.

The Swingshot launches people! It launches people!



Anybody remember the sci-fi B movie Logan's Run? You know, the one where once you reach the age of 30, they dressed you in a robe and levitated you in a circle (hence "carousel") while laser beams shot all the 30 year old "shrivs" out of the sky.

Carousel was supposed to be the future's answer to rampant overpopulation which was it's author's future vision. Carousel was what was supposed to preserve the earth's waning natural resources for the next generations to survive.

Now, in 2 days, I turn 40 and I'm not necessarily going to advocate Carousel. Oh, who am I kidding. That's exactly what I'm going to advocate.

You see, we have a hell of a lot of baby boomers. Way more than Generation X and Y can support. They soon will be sucking up all of our country's resources. Hell, yesterday, I was out on the road and it took me an hour and ten minutes to drive 15 miles because every baby booming shriv in the world had their Sunday car out on the road and refused to do more than 15 miles per hour. I say it's time to implement the Carousel for real.

Now, the tricky part. What age do we set as the cut-off for Carousel?

Hmmmm, since I'm turning 40 and the baby boomers are an anomaly that will only require Carousel for a short period of time. Surely it will be repealed before I hit Carousel age.

Let's say 62 and we can repeal Carousel in 20 years, when I reach the tender age of 60. That should cure my road rage and make sure that Social Security and all the maximum benefits are around when I'm a shriv.

So, let's fire up the Carousel and pass me one of those Swift's Irish Baby Roasters, so I can chow down and watch the festivities while also solving the "Irish Problem" all in one fell swoop!

Bluey's World Merchandise